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The nominations for the biggest pieces of corroded turds that fell out of Hollywood's ass last year were announced yesterday and Adam Sandler beat all the records by getting 11 nominations for the trio of cinematic vomits Jack and Jill, Bucky Larson and Just Go With It. If this doesn't convince Adam Sandler that he needs to reavaluate his life choices and realize that nothing will beat his performance as Stud Boy in Remote Control, then I don't know what will.

12 flying Razzie nominations landed on the pile of steaming shit that is Jack and Jill alone. It's not like I'm surprised that Jack and Jill is pretty much the worst thing to happen to movie's since Vincent Gallo's cum load, but I am surprised that it made $134 million. $134 million. How did that many bitches see that shit? I bet the same people who paid to see Jack and Jill are the same people who suck up all the hot water in their apartment building, because they spend 5 hours a day crying at the bottom of the shower while punching at their faces. They hate themselves that much. Anyway, here's a list of last year's biggest vomit-inducers:

Worst Picture

BUCKY LARSON: BORN TO BE A STAR
Columbia Pictures / Happy Madison Productions

JACK & JILL
Columbia Pictures / Happy Madison Productions

NEW YEAR'S EVE
Warner Bros / New Line Cinema

TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON
Paramount Pictures / Hasbro

TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN PART I
Summit Entertainment

Worst Actor

Russell Brand
ARTHUR

Nicolas Cage
DRIVE ANGRY 3-D, SEASON OF THE WITCH and TRESPASS

Taylor Lautner
ABDUCTION and TWILIGHT S.B.D. PART I

Adam Sandler
JACK & JILL and JUST GO WITH IT

Nick Swardson
BUCKY LARSON: BORN TO BE A STAR

Worst Actress

Martin Lawrence (As "Momma")
BIG MOMMAS: LIKE FATHER, LIKE SON

Sarah Palin (As "Herself")
SARAH PALIN: THE UNDEFEATED

Sarah Jessica Parker
I DON'T KNOW HOW SHE DOES IT and NEW YEAR'S EVE

Adam Sandler (As "Jill")
JACK & JILL

Kristen Stewart
TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN PART I

Worst Supporting Actress:

Katie Holmes JACK & JILL

Brandon T. Jackson (As "Charmaine") BIG MOMMAS: LIKE FATHER, LIKE SON

Nicole Kidman JUST GO WITH IT

David Spade (As "Monica") JACK & JILL

The Underwear Model (aka Rosie Huntington-Whiteley) TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON

Worst Supporting Actor

Patrick Dempsey
TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON

James Franco
YOUR HIGHNESS

Ken Jeong
BIG MOMMA'S #3, HANGOVER PART 2, TRANSFORMERS #3 and ZOOKEEPER

Al Pacino (As "Al Pacino")
JACK & JILL

Nick Swardson
JACK & JILL and JUST GO WITH IT

Worst Screen Ensemble

The Entire Cast of BUCKY LARSON: BORN TO BE A STAR

The Entire Cast of JACK & JILL

The Entire Cast of NEW YEAR'S EVE

The Entire Cast of TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON

The Entire Cast of TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN PART I

Worst Director

Michael Bay
TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON

Tom Brady
BUCKY LARSON: BORN TO BE A STAR

Bill Condon
TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN PART I
Dennis Dugan

JACK & JILL and JUST GO WITH IT
Garry Marshall

NEW YEAR'S EVE

Worst Prequel, Remake, Rip-Off or Sequel
ARTHUR

BUCKY LARSON: BORN TO BE A STAR
(Rip-Off of BOOGIE NIGHTS and A STAR IS BORN)

THE HANGOVER PART 2

(Both a Sequel AND a Remake!)

JACK & JILL

(Remake/Rip-Off of Ed Woods' GLEN OR GLENDA)

TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN PART I

Worst Screen Couple
Nicolas Cage & Anyone Sharing the Screen with Him in Any of His Three 2011 Movies
Shia LeBeouf & The Underwear Model (aka Rosie Huntington-Whiteley) TRANNIES #3
Adam Sandler & EITHER Jennifer Aniston OR Brooklyn Decker / JUST GO WITH IT
Adam Sandler and EITHER Katie Holmes, Al Pacino OR Adam Sandler / JACK & JILL
Kristen Stewart & EITHER Taylor Lautner OR Robert Pattinson / TWILIGHT: BREAKING DAWN PART I

Worst Screenplay
BUCKY LARSON: BORN TO BE A STAR
Written by Adam Sandler, Allen Covert and Nick Swardson

JACK & JILL
Screenplay by Steve Koren & Adam Sandler, Story by Ben Zook

NEW YEAR'S EVE
Written by Katherine Fugate

TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON

Written by Ehren Kruger
TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN PART I
Screenplay by Melissa Rosenberg

This needs more Tree of Life, which scared me away from movie theaters for a few weeks. It was fifty hours of emotional torture. It was like being stuck in a room while 100% sober with someone who is high on acid. You don't know whether you want to choke them out or just bang your head against your knees until the noises stop. It made my hair hurt and I ate a giant ball of vom when I walked out of the theater and heard some pretentious slut say, "It was astonimizing." Yes, astonimizing! See what that Tree of Laxatives movie does to people. It gives them a case of the GOOPY PALTROWS! Tree of Life for worst EVERYTHING.

My ass is hung all the way over and this morning I nearly puked my liver out when I sniffed on a delicious piece of meat of the gods (see: BACON!!!). (The sweet nectar is a holy elixir from heaven, but I question my undying love for it when it keeps my mouth from sucking on BACON!!!!) Even though I can't with food right now, I'd immediately put on a cum rag/bib and slobber all over the first course James Martin served up on Saturday Kitchen. I don't know shit about James Martin, but now I know both of our craniums have permanent peen prints on them since we've always got delicious looking dick on the brain.

via ONTD

The next time you get a case of blue balls or a blue waffle infection, prepare yourself to get a letter from Beyonce and Jay-Z's team of lawyers, because they pretty much own the color blue now. NO BLUE FOR YOU! With blue skid marks in her weave, blue polish on her nails, a blue jacket on her back and Blue Ivy Carter (or maybe that's a blue sack of blue potatoes) cocooned into blue blankets, Beyonce went to lunch at Sant Ambroeus Restaurant in NYC yesterday with Jay-Z. BLUE! BLUE! BLUE BLUE! EVERYWHERE! It's a bluesplosion! Who in blue hell does Blueonce think she is? A Crip? Somebody jump her in.

Emilio "El Indio" Fernández, actor, screenwriter, director and the Mexican hot piece who dropped all his chonies to get desnudo to pose for the Oscar statue.

No, the Oscar statue was not inspired by the MGM Lion's favorite butt dildo. I know most of us thought that. But the story goes that MGM's art director Cedric Gibbons was one of the original Academy members and was in charge of designing the trophy that sits in one of Kate Winslet's piss rooms. Cedric needed a dude model who would get nalgas-out naked and pose with a sword. Cedric's wife Dolores del Río thought Emilio was the one and somehow persuaded him to take off his panties. Emilio sort of looks like my uncle and if he was anything like my uncle, Delores persuaded him with a six-pack of Corona, 2 limes and a bag of El Sabroso chicharrones.

El Indio died in 1986, but we'll forever remember him for his rock hard nalgitas and nipple-less pecs when acting types give his gold-plated crotch a finger job during their acceptance speech.

Michael Bolton (59)
Teresa Palmer (26)
Shiloh Fernandez (27)
Ally Hilfiger (27)
Corinne Bailey Rae (33)
Erykah Badu (41)
Max Martin (41)
Mark Dacascos (48)
Greg Germann (54)
Bree Walker (59)
Dante Ferretti (69)
Fats Domino (84)

In case you forgot because your brain purged this information to make way for more important shit like the recipe for the perfect dream wedding cake, let me remind you of the foolery that went down between Sacha Baron Cohen and the Academy this week. To promote The Dictator, SBC planned to drag his poodle's ass beard onto the red carpet at the Oscars tomorrow. The producers of the Oscars shut down SBC's plans and said that he could come, but he had to dress as himself and not as his character. SBC fired a shot at the Oscars when he went on the Today Show as The Dictator and blasted their asses for banning his publicity stunt. Well, after all that shit, the producers have given into SBC's attention whoreist threats and are letting him stroll down the red carpet as The Dictator. The Dictator declared victory on his Twatter last night:

VICTORY IS OURS! Today the Mighty Nation of Wadiya triumphed over the Zionist snakes of Hollywood. Evil and all those who made Satan their protector were vanquished and driven into the Pacific Sea. What I am trying to say here is that the Academy have surrendered and sent over two tickets and a parking pass! TODAY OSCAR, TOMORROW OBAMA!

My mom said the other day that everybody should come to the Oscars dressed as their characters, because she doesn't recognize them when they're covered in fancy. That is a genius idea. Michelle Williams should come as Marilyn Monroe, Bryce Dallas Howard should come with a piece of shitty caca pie in her mouth, Glenn Close should come as the Irish Beavis, Jonah Hill should wear a fat suit and Michael Fassbender should just repeatedly come on the red carpet if you know what I mean.

But seriously, this stupid shit makes me miss the good old days when Bjork laid a swan egg on the red carpet. The Oscars should invite Bjork, so she can show all those amateur whores how a true STUNT QUEEN does it.

Lady Bienvenida Buck, a 55-year-old veteran gold digger who has earned the field of calluses on the bottom of her feet by social climbing all the way to the top of Liverpool's elite!

Lady Welcome A Buck is a two-time divorcee (her third husband died from cancer) who is solely famous for marrying for a buck. Basically. Lady Buck's first husband was Sir Antony Buck, a political type who was 30 years older than her. That married crumbled into dust when she had an affair with Sir Peter Harding, the Chief of Defense during the Gulf War. Apparently, Lady Buck destroyed Sir Peter's career when she told a tabloid all about the affair she had with him while they were still married. Lady Buck currently has two lovers (one married, one not married), but she's through with marriage and is focusing most of her time on politics.

The esteemed literary journal of EVERYTHING, The Daily Mail, profiled the lifetime achievement-winning gold digger, because she's considering running for Mayor of Liverpool. Lady Welcome A Buck spoke to the DM from her apartment in the MOST EXCLUSIVE part of Liverpool after she had her first breakfast glass of champagne (it makes her glow) at 11 in the morning. Lady Buck believes that she is what Liverpool needs since she's an international socialite who has humped on top political figures, and if the pussy could talk it would have one hell of a campaign speech. This is the shit that Lady Buck said when the DM asked her what she can do for Liverpool:

"I think that I could win. I am the voice of the young people of this city. I know a lot of influential people who could bring investment to Liverpool, I have very good connections.

I have travelled on Concorde hundreds of times and stayed in palaces. I have lived in Dallas, Texas and Dubai. I have met princes and have contacts with very powerful entities and governments. I live in a very secure, prestigious part of Liverpool, but here I like to travel by bus. I like to go out of my comfort zone to learn about this city. The people of Liverpool are kind and generous. I have lost my mobile phone three times and it has always been returned to me. The people here are hard workers. These are not lazy people, they are fighters. They deserve much better."

To recap: Lady Welcome A Buck would make a good mayor, because she's lived in Texas, has been on the Concorde, lives in a PRESTIGIOUS part of Liverpool and has screwed on very powerful men. Who do I have to fuck to become an official Liverpooler, because my life won't be complete until I vote for Lady Buck. Because Liverpool's political world definitely needs their own Countess LuAnn.

(For Tiana)

Carrot Top (47)
Isabelle Fuhrman (15)
Justin Berfield (26)
Oliver & James Phelps (26)
Lovefoxxx (28)
Kimberly Caldwell (30)
Chelsea Handler (37)
Rashida Jones (36)
Julia Iglesias Jr. (38)
Anson Mount (39)
Sean Astin (41)
Daniel Powter (41)
Tea Leoni (46)
Nancy O'Dell (46)
Veronica Webb (47)
Neil Jordan (62)
Ric Flair (63)
Jack Handey (63)
Sally Jesse Raphael (77)

Watch out, Tina Fey! Justin Beiber's newly dyed locks are trying to wrap themselves around Tina's Garnier gig and snatch it away. Take care. - Just Jared

Admiral General Aladeen (aka Sacha Baron Cohen with a bushel full of Kardashian taint fur on his chin) throws verbal bullets at the Academy and movie Brandon Teena - Lainey Gossip

Grab a swab stick, a new candidate for Khloe Kardashian's bio daddy emerges - Towleroad

I don't know what's going on here but I know it involves Melanie Griffith's nipples - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

Kim Kardashian's tag-a-long dude looks like Lindsay Lohan's best friend Pootie after a meal or a hundred - The Superficial

Angie Jo and Billy Bob Thornton sexing on each other today probably looks like two old candlesticks rubbing together - Celebitchy

I just wanna blot Stacy Keibler's legs with several rolls of Bounty - Hollywood Tuna

It's a shame that Topanga didn't keep her classic crashing wave bangs - The Berry

Don't underestimate the power of Raymour & Flanigan - ICYDK

We should all assume that Hilary Duff is going to give birth to a kindergartner - Popoholic

How are we going to go on as a society without a Friends movie? - Videogum

Up! in real life - The Daily What

So which number is Chris Brown on Jay-Z's 99 problems list? - I'm Not Obsessed

JLo SANS Photoshop - Moe Jackson

Getting his soul sucked into Madge's crotch vortex doesn't sound like a good time to Victor Cruz - Hollywood Rag

I can haz Oscar - Cityrag

The time I mistook Justin Timberlake for Jason Sudeikis - Popsugar

This singer appears to have the perfect marriage, despite the initial controversy that surrounded her union. A baby, a doting husband….oh, wait, he isn’t so committed as it would appear. In fact, he still secretly hooks up with his ex. If more proof is needed that a leopard never changes its spots, then this would be it. Hint: She has recently, recently been in the spotlight. (Celebzter via Blind Gossip)

Alicia Keys & Swizz Beatz? Dionne Warwick and all her Psychic Friends could've seen this coming. Alicia is a new kind of dumb if she didn't think that at one point in her marriage her nostrils would be inhaling unfamiliar cooch fumes coming from her husband's dick.

Which former Disney kids were caught on video doing cocaine with the actress daugh­ter of a famous Hollywood star who’s currently battling her own addiction problems? The young stars were caught on cell phone cameras at a house party, where they were snorting lines as they giggled at old episodes of the show that launched their careers! (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip)

Rumer Willis, Miley Cyrus and somebody else? I bet Rumer could cut a serious line with her chin.

What C list wannabe hip hop singer/and "actor" scored drugs for his now dead ex-girlfriend before she died? (CDAN)

Ray-J & Nippy? Hell to the DUH.

What C list television and movie actress had an author "mugged and beaten" because he was going to reveal all in a book about her B list movie actor husband and name all the names of every male celebrity he has ever had sex with. (CDAN)

Tommy Girl is still bouncing his Scientolohole on the tip of the A in A-list, but I'm still going to guess that he programmed Stepford Katie to call the hit.