The Fix's Maer Roshan spent months inside of Courtney Love's head poking at the malnourished rats, putting out the trash can hobo fires and trying to make sense of the scribbled thoughts that her brain spits out. Maerwrote an article last May about his time with Courtney, but there were so many strands of fuckery that didn't make the article so he used them in a new e-book on her. Even though Courtney threatened to ruin his ass, Maer still went through his old notes, interviewed people in her life and read legal documents to put the book together. There's some priceless pieces of it on The Fix, but one of my favorite is a quote from Courtney where she says crack transformed her brain into that of a calculus genius:
“The strange thing is, while the crack screwed me up in a lot of ways, it improved me in certain others. I’ve never been good with numbers, but when I was on crack I could do math really, really well. I became a fucking whiz at calculus.”
This ho is crazy, but what I want to know is, when does Courtney Love ever come in contact with calculus. Like did she have calculus books laying around? You know how Snapple has facts written on their caps? Does a bag of crack rocks come with a mathematical problem? I can just picture Courtney scribbling all sorts of shit on the wall like numbers, shapes, Looney Tunes characters, the middle names of her enemies and thinking to herself that she's really making calculus her bitch when she's actually just drawing a bunch of gibberish. Calculus? More like Crackulus. Courtney is like the crackhead Good Will Hunting and I really hope Matt Damon plays her in the movie.
With all that being said, I still wish Courtney was the Secretary of Education when I was in school, because then smoking crack would've been part of our daily math curriculum! I still would've failed math, but at least I could've been fucked up on crack while doing so.
Dear Adam Levine, please stop squeezing on Xtina like that before her tampon pops out again - ICYDK
There is a God and that God is obviously a theater queen, because he used his powers to get Taylor Swift knocked out of the Les Miserables movie - Lainey Gossip
Her mother whipping her way to a tragic mid-life crisis is not keeping Tater Head from the stroll - The Superficial
If Emma Roberts keeps us this bitchy beard reputation, her career as a beard in Hollywood will be ovah! - Celebitchy
Ashton Kutcher's side ho can now write "nip slipper" on her 2012 tax return next to occupation - (NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
Kate Upton as ScarJo as Marilyn Monroe - Hollywood Tuna
And not once did The Silver Fox tell Madge to shut her loud leather dominatrix secretary outfit - Towleroad
Matthew Gray Gubler, if that's what you need today - The Berry
Oh you know, it's just Charlize Theron in a monokini, blocking hos from turning left - Popoholic
Raven's signature chewed up brows are going to Broadway - Just Jared
The story here is Joe Jonas trying out a new beard, but my mind is wandering to the image of his brows chewing on Raven's brows - Celebslam
Viggo Mortensen's body is ready for Michael Assbender - Popsugar
Would you judge me if I told you that I blew up each one of these pictures and sat on them all? - Cityrag
Aren't there other bottom shelf trollops the paparazzi could've wasted their clicks on? - I'm Not Obsessed
I do love a dude who can teabag me while we're both standing - The Daily What
I think I had a dream about this once - Videogum
What ever kind of medicinal good shit Joan Rivers was smoking on the last episode of Joan & Melissa needs to find its way vaporizer, because it took her on a messed up journey that ended with her getting into the hot tub with her clothes on and drinking chlorine water out of her shoe. I might believe this staged mess if Joan was a newbie stoner-in-training, but she's already admitted that she's smoked her fair share of heaven's blossom and she even toked her original face off with Betty White back in the day. Betty White just turned down the Cypress Hill and took off her bong mask to shake her head at Joan Rivers trying to act like she's that baked. And if throw a black wig on Joan Rivers, this could easily pass as a night in the life of Demi Moore.
The pictures of GOOPY Paltrow in Harper's Bazaar will cover your eyes with the organic grease that's smeared all over her legs, but don't worry you'll wipe those away as soon as your eyes start rotating at all the colon balls of pretension that come leaping, twirling and floating off of her tongue. You know, though, this interview isn't as ridiculous as the usual shit that comes spewing out of her talk hole. The worst part doesn't come from the mouth of GOOP, it comes from Harper's writer Justine Picardie. Justine drank the GOOP and kept drinking the GOOP until the GOOP started spilling out of the pores on her fingers. I mean....:
We've grown accustomed to the symmetry of her face and her killer body displayed on the red carpet since her catapult to fame in the '90s. But when you see her today, without the distractions of props or makeup or styling, in jeans and a white button-down shirt, Gwyneth's calm beauty is striking, as is her extraordinary discipline. As she falls naturally into yoga stretches during the course of the conversation, supple as a cat, you realize that this is a woman for whom working out has become essential.
And excuse me as my mouth naturally falls onto my erect finger so I can wet heave and jerk my head until my brain has erased that paragraph from my memory. I bet GOOPY totally served Justine a pizza from her wood-burning garden pizza oven. All of the powers of GOOP lie within that wood-burning garden pizza oven. Or the porcelain bathtub in her bedroom. Those are the weapons of GOOP's mass pretentious. Now on to quotes!
On how she loves the wrinkles that were majorly Photoshopped off in these pictures: "I'll take my wrinkles. I don't like the Botox thing."
She goes on to admit that she gets tons of facials and has done laser treatments. I believe her. Like this bitch is really going to fill her face with some shit any poor can buy with a credit card. Botox is so provincial. If Fishsticks wants to get rid of a wrinkle, she just recites Justine's paragraph above into the mirror and her face will naturally barf out globs of fat that will fill her lines. Voila!
On how she goes on a 12-week detox every season: "I have a lot of inflammation in my system, so I'm not having anything I'm allergic to—no gluten, no dairy, no sugar. I'll wake up exhausted; I can feel my adrenal cortex being really high. When I get into bed, my heart will pound, my skin won't be good, I'll feel cranky, and then I'll just know it's time."
So if this bitch detoxes for 48 weeks out of the year, that means most of the year she spends starving herself and shitting her asshole off. This explains everything. If you only ate grass sweat and laxatives camouflaged as organic vitamins, any sense of reality you had would come shooting out of your b-hole.
On how her father's death SAVED her life: "All I've learned about nutrition and health came from his cancer. I'll probably have a long and healthy life because he didn't."
On how she thought Apple was going to be a junior butch lez: "I've been saving my clothes for her since before she was born. I was like, I'll bet you anything I'll have a daughter, and she'll be a really cool butch lesbian and be so above clothes, and I got a very clothes-obsessed child. So if she's a lesbian, she's a lipstick lesbian. She doesn't like anything avant-garde at all. She likes anything that's pretty, pretty, pretty or has a bow or a ruffle or is pink."
On her anti-feminist advice to her really famous friend (like she has any other kind): "She is an actress and in a new relationship with someone else with a big career, and I said this may not be feminist, but you have to compromise. It's been all about you and you're a big deal. And if you want what you're saying you want—a family—you have to be a wife, and that is part of the equation. Gloria Steinem may string me up by my toes, but all I can do is my best, and I can do only what works for me and my family."
On how her husband Chris Martin doesn't pass his peen around, but one of her ex-boyfriends did: "I had a boyfriend who used to cheat on me all the time. I was quite naive. I knew on a cellular level, but I bought his story."
The cheating boyfriend is totally Brad Pitt (or Ben Affleck). The actress friend is totally Cameron Diaz (exhibit: A!). And I'm totally going to juice a box of Twinkies and eat a bowl of corn syrup sprinkled with powdered preservatives until my heart is pounding, my skin hurts and cranky is the only emotion I feel. Because if that's this twat's idea of being wrong, then I don't ever want to be right!
On Sunday night's The Real Howives of Atlanta, common felon turned kept bitch Marlo Hampton got into a butch bitch battle royale with resident doberman Sheree Whitfield and it quickly turned into Marlo bragging about how her townhouse is paid for, her Aston Martin is in her name and she didn't have to spend a cent of her own money on her adam's apple removal surgery. (I made that one up, but pass me Marlo's medical file and I'm sure I'll be able to point to it.) Sheree then let it be known that Marlo got all of the fancy shit she owns by opening her legs to an 80-year-old white sugar daddy. I know, Sheree said it like it's a bad thing. Marlo is just using what a good surgeon gave her to make it rain hundred dollar bills without getting out of bed. My dream job.
Part of me thinks that Marlo was one of those frontin' hos who drives a 1988 Toyota Tercel with an Aston Martin shell over it, lives in the detached garbage behind the townhouse she says she owns and buys all of her luxury "designer" bags from an exclusive boutique housed in the back of a truck. But if Hello Beautiful (via C+D) is right, then I'm very wrong. Because they're hearing from a source that Marlo hit the sugar daddy jackpot yeeeeaaaars ago when billionaire Ted Turner put her on his payroll:
“Ted Turner was Marlo’s sugar daddy. My understanding is that Marlo is one of the reasons why Jane Fonda divorced Ted Turner.
Ted Turner is the 'sponsor' who financed the The Red Carpet Boutique Marlo had at the Perimeter mall in ATL. Marlo knows how to get money, she’s a true hustler.”
Well, color me impressed and punch me in the face with a Hanoi Jane fist. Marlo is not only a spot-on Chilli from TLC female impersonator, but she's also a successful gold digger. Marlo's talents know no bounds and here she is showing off one of the talents she shares with her arch rival Sheree:
Say what you want about Marlo, but you can't deny that she has the fighting skills of one of those sound-activated goblin Halloween props you buy at Walgreens. Now that is a true talent.
It's going to be 60 degrees in NYC today, RiRi has publicly turned her back on the Illuminati, Rutgers is offering a Beyonce course and now there's a chance that the Pfizer recall has officially become a disaster to humanity because SNOOKI MIGHT BE SPAWNING! As the 20th century's greatest philosophers Bill & Ted once said: "Strange things are afoot at the Circle K!"
The respectable journal of truthiness Star Magazine tells us that in a few months a living creature will call Snooki its mommy. You can go ahead and cancel Groundhog Day tomorrow, because that Punxsutawney Phil bitch ain't coming out since he's digging his way to hell as I type this shit. Star's source says that Snooki and her midget hulk of a boyfriend Jionni smushed a baby into her womb and she's telling everybody about it.
“She is pregnant and has only told her closest friends and some family. She’s been telling people that she has a big announcement coming."
This is good news for the makers of the first ever tanning bed crib. This also good news for Planet Earth who are assembling their bravest camera crew yet to capture the world's first known birth of a Hulk/Ewok hybrid. Everybody else is fucked, because little Pickole Vodkotta LaValle will devour our world's supply of pickles and taint our jacuzzis.
Oh well, we should all still meet in front of the cave Snooki will give birth in, because there's no way she's going to let a little thing called "pregnancy" get in the way of her drinking gallons of the sweet nectar every night. That placenta is going to be 100+ proof! PLACENTA SHOTS FOR EVERYONE!
Two R.I.P. posts in a row and it's not even noon. Grab a few bottles of Strawberry Hill, bring a fully stocked bong and pull the blanket over February.
Aaron and Nick Carter's sister, Leslie Carter (in the middle), died yesterday in upstate New York and that's pretty much all we know. The Carter family released a statement to Access Hollywood, but they're keeping the cause of Leslie's death to themselves for now.
“Our family is grieving right now and it’s a private matter. We are deeply saddened for the loss of our beloved sister, daughter, and granddaughter, Leslie Carter. We request the utmost privacy during this difficult time.”
Like Aaron and Nick, Leslie was a singer and had a song called "Like Wow" on the Shrek soundtrack. Leslie was also in the family's mess of a reality show The House of Carters. She married her husband Mike in 2008 and gave birth to their daughter Alyssa Jane on April 1, 2011.
It's one thing to wake up to the news that Don Cornelius has strut up to heaven at the age of 75, but it's another hearing that you got there after he apparently committed suicide. And on the first day of Black History Month. Damn. Damn. Damn. TMZ says that police were called to Don's home in Sherman Oaks, CA early this morning after he allegedly shot himself in the head. Don was shortly pronounced dead at the hospital. Don's family hasn't confirmed any of this and an investigation into the cause of his death is happening right now.
Don was apparently in a sad and sick way after divorcing his wife in 2009. Before the judge granted the divorce, Don told the court that he was suffering from major health problems and wanted the divorce behind him before he died. During the past few years, Don had a stroke and had to undergo brain surgery.
Don created Soul Train in 1970, because he wanted to give soul music a wider audience and there was nothing like it on TV. Soul Train moved to syndication in 1971 and throughout the years James Brown, Michael Jackson and Aretha Franklin all performed on it. Rosie Perez, Pebbles, Jody Watley, MC Hammer and Nick Cannon all got their start shaking their shit on Soul Train. Soul Train aired over 1,000 episodes and ended in 2006.
Rest in peace, Don. And as Don used to sign off every Soul Train with: “As always in parting, we wish you love, peace and soul!” Don is with the angels now doing THIS:
Neither snow, nor sleet, nor lack of brains will will keep us from our deliveries to Charlie Sheen. - Rocket
Unfortunately, "Sledding Wives" wasn't a big hit for VH-1 or Shaunie O'Neill. - eatmylumpia
George Clooney's unemployment line. - tonicbitch
via Poorly Dressed
They're taking our jobs! They're outsourcing to dogs now! But honestly, this labrador, or golden retriever, or Marley & Me dog, or overgrown beagle dog, or whatever she is (all big dogs look the same to me - NO RACIST) is a really dog secretary. Oh sorry, I mean a really good junior administrative assistant dog. This dog is serious about the job and gets it done fast. If this was you or me, we'd take ten times as long to even pick that paper up off the printer. Truth.
While waiting for it to print, we'd walk to the back, grab a Cactus Cooler out of the refrigerator and then talk to one of the vet assistants about how Sarah Michelle Gellar's wig on Ringer last night looked so thirsty and busted that not even a desperate chicken would lay an egg on that ugly shit. We'd eventually make our way to the front, grab the paper, look at it like it means something to us and immediately get distracted by all those pictures taped to the side. We'd ask the other assistant, "I haven't seen these before. Is that your daughter? She has your hair. Oh, that's not your daughter. Are you sure? You should call Maury. (crickets)." Finally after all that, we'd hand the receipt over to the customer but not before telling him, "Oh, shit. I loved your mom in Mermaids! Did you get that new dick yet?"
So yeah, this dog is doing a better job than you, me and everybody else. She should get DOGPLOYEE OF THE YEAR!
via Reddit (For Kane)