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You know what question I'm talking about since you're asking that question right now while staring at that picture of THE QUEEN! What kind of royal secrets are hiding within The Queen's beloved pocketbook? The pocketbook that she takes with her to sit on both royal thrones. The pocketbook that she cuddles with at night. The pocketbook that is her conjoined twin and her only confidante. Memaws are serious about their handbags and The Queen has never been an exception. But a royal biographer, who is obviously going to be executed soon for committing treason, did some ninja-like shit to uncover what lies beneath Her Majesty's handbag.

In Sally Bedell Smith's new book, she claims the following shit always has a place in The Queen's pocketbook. From The Telegraph (via Jezebel):

- A mirror, because every queen must have a portable mirror with her to ask who the fairest of all is. (FYI: When The Queen asks, this is what her mirror shows her.)

- A £5 or £10 note to drop in the donation basket at church on Sundays.

- Mints, lipstick, reading glasses and a pen.

- A plastic suction cup with a hook to hang her best friend on. An anonymous source explained it like this: “I watched the Queen open her handbag and remove a white suction cup and discreetly spit into it. The Queen then attached the cup to the underside of the table. The cup had a hook on it, and she attached her handbag to it.”

The Queen ain't the one to let her precious purse sit on the floor where the dirt of a commoner's common shoes lie. Sally also wrote that if Her Majesty needs a pair of gloves, her ladies-in-waiting hold on to that kind of shit for her. But you know, this is kind of disappointing and it must be some kind of cover up. I refuse to believe that The Queen's pocketbook isn't filled with bricks (for when she really needs to fuck a bitch up by hitting them over the head) and a lone house slipper (for when she really needs to slap one of her grandchildren in the teeth for sass talking). I won't take any other answer.

And unfortunately, I don't have any answers for the other question that just loaded into your brain which is: Why the fuck did I read this shit?

Since we're on the subject of THE ROYALS!!!, here's the tingle of my loins Prince Hot Ginge leaving some club in London last night with Becks. That scratch on his nose? Yup, sass talking to his memaw again.

Blue Ivy Carter won't push out a caca unless it's going into a rabbit fur diaper lined in Scottish cashmere and she won't roll out of her $22,000 crib unless someone is shaking a canary diamond-encrusted rattle at her, so it's no surprise that apparently she has six nannies and a diamond collection. Some source tells InTouch Weekly (via IDLYITW) that the holy spawn of Beysus and Jay-Zeus always has a personal nanny on hand whenever she needs to spit up on someone (like she's going to spit on herself) or needs someone to drag away the House of Dereon's court jester (Basement Baby) from her sight. B.I.C.'s plans to out Veruca Salt Suri Cruise are going well according to some friend:

According to a friend, the new mom has two nannies on call at all times, which makes for a total of six nannies for little Blue Ivy Carter. “Beyonce wanted to make sure that her daughter has the best of care,” a friend of the singer tells In Touch. “Her diaper is changed every hour.” And proud papa Jay-Z, 42, is also lavishing attention on the newborn – by way of bling. “Jay-Z bought her diamond earrings and a platinum baby bracelet,” reveals the friend. “Even her bottle has pink sapphires on it.”

The rivalry (in my bored head) between Suri and B.I.C is heating up (no, it's not)!

Since we're all keeping score, Blue Ivy has six nannies and Suri Cruise has a team of robots-in-waiting provided by Scientology and her own mom is pretty much her personal mule. Point goes to Suri. Blue Ivy has diamond earrings and a platinum bracelet, and Suri Cruise has a tiara made of polished moon rock and a Chanel clutch that doubles as a taser for when Stepford Katie ever acts wrong. Point goes to Suri. Blue Ivy has a bottle with pink sapphires on it and Suri Cruise has only been photographed with a plastic bottle in her hand, embarrassing. Point goes to B.I.C.

So with all that, this story only gets two and a half Angry Suris out of five.

Julio CC Lopez, Mario Lopez's douchebag of a dog.

On Thursday night, I dragged myself out of my hermit cavern of cookie crumbs and American Stuffers reruns (Note: That show is fucked up) to go to Julie Klausner's live podcast show where she introduced me to the creepy Twitter world of Julio CC Lopez. Mario Lopez took a break from lifting nipple weights with his nipples (to put even more muscles on his nipples) and he queefed out a Twitter page for his dog Julio Lopez. Julio Lopez's Twitter is a safe place where Mario can drop the whole fake G-rated personality he gives us on Extra and be his true self: a bitch-loving douche hole slut. If the canine world was asking for their own version of Joe Francis, Mario Lopez as Julio Lopez would be their answer. Let us count thee ways....

There's a chance that one of my uncles is Julio CC Lopez's ghost Twitterer, so I'm just going to say that I'd rather hang out with Julio CC Lopez than Mario Lopez. But you should still keep your precious bitches away from Julio. Julio is the kind of douche who will sprinkle roofie powder on his butt hole before your dog sniffs on it.

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There's a hurtful, soul-murdering rumor going around that's making staches frown and rhinestones cry. The Daily Star, an esteemed British journal that tops The Daily Mail as the most reputable news source in the world, has threatened all of us by publishing a story today that claims Glamberace will screech his nipples off as the new leader singer of Queen. The quote they used from Glamberace has been scientifically proven to cause a bitch to slowly wall slide while letting out a silent cry of noooooooos.

"The intention is to pay tribute to Freddie and the band by singing some fucking great songs. It's to keep the music alive for the fans and give it an energy that Freddie would've been proud of."

Don't fall against the wall just yet, because apparently The Daily Star lifted this quote from a press conference for the 2011 MTV EMAs. Glamberace performed with Queen at the EMAs that year. Queen's label, Hollywood Records, told Rolling Stone that Glambace is not slipping into Freddie Mercury's latex ass huggers, but he might perform with them for one or two dates:

"The Daily Star item only mentions that Adam may perform with Queen at Sonisphere. This is not confirmed. Nothing has been signed. However, if this were to happen, Queen would be returning to the setting of their final concert with Freddie Mercury, which took place in 1986."

So put a handful of glitter in your mouth and exhale out a glittery sigh of relief, because we've just dodged THE WORST THING THAT WOULD'VE EVER HAPPENED TO MUSIC!!!!!! Okay, okay, maybe I'm turning on the dramatic cunt theatrics, but blame it on the humidifier next to me. You know what smoky vapors do to me. It makes me type in a Phantom of the Opera voice and just makes me EXTRA dramatic.

The truth is, Queen has been touring for years ever since Freddie Mercury floated up to the giant Spandex spool in the sky and I've seen them about as many times as I've eaten broccoli without mayo on top. ZERO! And how many times would I see them if Adam Lambert sang with them? ZERO! So this doesn't really affect my ass. But you know, I'd probably pull myself away from the lure of my humidifier to see Queen if Christopher Lambert (as The Highlander) sang lead.

Guess the ho who has decorated her parbaked breadstick legs with socks made out of vomit and boots made of pure fugness? - Hollywood Tuna

Two hobos go looking for a lost cat - Lainey Gossip

I think what Our Lady of Cunts is trying to say is that Brit Brit's singing voice sounds like a toilet flushing - The Superficial

After looking at this picture of Terry Richardson and Lady CaCa, I'm pretty sure scabies are living on my eyelashes now - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

M.I.A.'s video > Madge's Old Navy commercial of a video - Towleroad

Stacy Keibler will get an empty cardboard box for her belongings and a signed pink slip any day now - Celebitchy

Contrary to popular belief, Ashley Greene can walk and hold a water bottle at the same time - Popoholic

Harry Potter and the Half-Bloody Mary - ICYDK

Posh's A++ eyebrow situation on ID Magazine - Popsugar

Man nipples galore - The Berry

Let's just assume that Michael Cera is either getting into character for a Welcome Back Kotter remake or he really just wants little children to run from him since he looks like PedoBear's sidekick - Celebslam

Joe Man Jello manages to look hot despite the fact that he's obviously suffering through a brain freeze while trying to push out a sneeze - Just Jared

Russian Kids Are Fucking Shit Ass Crazy, Part 4,562,198 - The Daily What

All the E*Trade Baby Super Bowl commercials - Cityrag

Russell Brand really needs to wear pasties with a sheer blouse like that - I'm Not Obsessed

Ryan Gaycrest gets his mouth around some chicken (and not the kind of chicken he's used to) - SOW

The Original Teen Mom is talking - Hollywood Rag

(Picture via Fame)

The torture of RiRi's scalp continued the other day when she bleached whatever natural hair she has left and glued in pieces she ripped out of Beyonce's old discarded wig until she looked like a cross between Peg from Lady and the Tramp and a trampled over Goldie Hawn. I should love this mess since RiRi looks like a late 1970s hitchhiking hooker who's addicted to angel dust and old men who smell like motor oil, but this just looks like a wilting Tina Turner to me. It's like Tina Turner's "What's Love Got To Do With It?" hair got depressed and needs some Prozac. This is taking that Ike & Tina shit way too far.

Mr. Ghetto has already caused many a Walmart shopper to check for ass dust on any products they wish to buy (Note: You should probably always check for ass dust at Walmart anyway.) and now he's back to ruin The Lion King for all of us. What did Simba ever do to Mr. Ghetto?! Any thoughts I had about this mess were swatted away by those bouncing leopard asses. I just want to lie down on the floor and wait until a stampede of wildebeest puts me out of my misery. I'm only passing this on to you, because I believe in the Circle of Fuckery. And what is the opposite of Hakuna Matata, because I have a lot of that after watching this.

(I hate you for this, Crunk + Disorderly)

Since Kim Kardashian is trying to beat the jockstrap's record by wrapping herself around as many professional athlete dicks as possible, she has apparently started down low fucking on Mark Sanchez, the quarterback for the New York Jets. The sports blog Terez Owens (via Radar) is hearing that Kim clamped her ham hocks around Mark while filming the first season of Kourtney & Kim Take It Up The Ass and they recently started up again. Mark has a girlfriend, but that hasn't stopped him from trying to conquer Kim's Mount Doom ass whenever they're in the same city. The source put it like this:

“Kim and Mark like to meet in hotels for dinner dates and flings. Whenever Kim is in New York, they hang out. They are very careful with not being seen together, Mark is seeing someone!”

Okay, the source lost me at "very careful with not being seen together." Kim not wanting to be seen is like Khloe not wanting to drag a small dog by the neck up to her den in the hills every time she sees one. It's instinct! Kim isn't powered by a beating heart and working internal organs like us. Bitch gets her energy from eyes looking at her and cameras flashing at her. That's how she feeds the dark orb in her chest. And wasn't Mark Sanchez recently caught doing a 17-year-old or something? And before that he was doing Hayden Pantyairs who looks like one of the boys from The Sandalot with tits. Kim's second face is younger than a preteen, but she's over 30, so I don't think she's the kind Mark pulls his peen out for. Pimp Mama Kris needs to do her research before she leaks fake stories.

Here's Kim walking around Miami last night while looking like a sweet and sour chicken wing.