Page Six says that at Vanity Fair's after-Oscar party on Sunday night, Swedish lightning rod ASkars dropped in on the hand of Zeus and after waving away trick after trick throwing their soppy wet coochies at him, he zeroed his glare on the youngest Olsen, Elizabeth Olsen. ASkars' ex-piece Kate Bosworth was also at the party, but I don't think she saw anything since one of the janitors mistook her for a brittle broom and used her to sweep up all the chocha dust that exploded everywhere when ASkars glided in.
A witness tells P6 that ASKars and Elizabeth Olsen were locked in each other's words in a dark corner for a long time. The witness didn't say if "talking in a corner" led to "Elizabeth climbing Mt. ASkars to explore his mouth cavern of orgasms with her tongue," which would eventually lead to Elizabeth frolicking all over ASkars' naked body. So let's hope it doesn't go past the corner.
I have nothing against Elizabeth Olsen. She's like the Marilyn Munster of the Olsens. She's harmless, but my allegiance forever belongs to the health and well-being of ASkars' Swedish nipple knobs. If shit gets serious between ASkars and Elizabeth, he'll eventually have to sit at the dinner table with the Olsen Trolls. ASkars' charm could make a dead vulture's peen swoon, but his powers have no effect on those evil Olsen Trolls. They would scurry up his body, slide down his mouth and eat him from the inside/out. The next time we'd see ASkars' nipples is when the Olsens wear them as earrings. This Elizabeth Olsen and ASkars thing can't happen. ASkars' nipples are at stake. Fartfull! (Fartfull isn't only the name of an Ikea bench, it's also my favorite Swedish curse word.)
Today on Good Morning Amurica, ABC announced the newest cast of questions marks and has-beens who will shake their nipples off either a much-needed check, a defibrillator pad to their flatlining career or both!
That headline is sort of sprinkled with lies, because I recognize 9 out of 12 of these "stars," but I stuff my head with all kinds of useless shit instead of shit I should probably know. Like I can tell you the first and last name of all the cast members from Rags to Riches without IMDBing for a clue, but if you asked me what my dad's birthday is, I'd make the same face White Oprah makes when someone asks her the names of her sons (aka the leeches who don't contribute to her gin fund).
I know a lot of the hos on the new cast of Dancing for Relevancy, but if you haven't turned your brain into a dilapidated pop culture junkyard like I have, you probably don't know a lot of them. So let's play a game. If you know the ho, then you know the ho. But if their name makes you squint while brain burping out a question mark, then they're officially a stranger bitch. Let's play!
Star: William Levy, Cuban hot piece who should be ordered by the United Nations to never wear clothes for peacekeeping purposes.
Partner: MOP HEAD (Damn that bitch)!
Verdict: I know that ho. I know that ho so well that I can sketch his peen print from memory.
Star: Sherri "The German" Shepherd, flat world advocate and one of the screeching hyenas on The View.
Partner: Val Chmerkovskiy
Verdict: I know that ho and I curse the day that I could say that shit with confidence.
Star: URKEL (government name: Jaleel White)
Partner: Kross Eyed Kym
Verdict: I know that ho and he better dance as Myrtle Urkel.
Star: Martina Navratilova, tennis icon and legendary lez.
Partner: Tony Dovolani
Verdict: I know that ho and I already have a fever from picturing the glamour she's going to give us in rhinestones and feathers.
Star: Jack Wagner, the breaker of Heather Locklear's fragile heart!
Partner: Anna Trebunskaya
Verdict: I know that ho and he better Rumba to All I Need at least once every week.
Star: Donald Driver, football dude.
Partner: Peta Murgatroyd
Verdict: Stranger bitch. I know a lot of packers, but none of them are from Green Bay or wherever this dude is form.
Star: Maria Menounos, some EXTRA (extra being the key word) ho.
Partner: Derek Hough
Verdict: I know that ho.
Star: Roshon Fegan, one of Mickey Mouse's hos and star on some show called Shake It Up.
Partner: Chelsie Hightower.
Verdict: Stranger bitch.
Star: Gavin DeGraw, a member of the John Mayer tribe and a Guinness World Record holder for being the only dude on the planet who still wears newsboy caps past the age of 30 and under the age of 65.
Partner: Karina Smirnoff Ice.
Verdict: I know that ho and I can't wait to see the disco ball lights ricochet off of his epic forehead.
Star: Glady Knight, no description of her skills needed.
Partner: Tristan MacManus
Verdict: I know that ho.
Star: Katherine Jenkins, opera singer.
Partner: Mark Ballas
Verdict: Stranger bitch
Star: Melissa Gilbert, star of Hollywood Wives: The New Generation!
Partner: Maksim Douchekovisky
Verdict: I know that ho.
So even though this is probably one of the worst casts ever, there's only 3 stranger bitches among them for me. Not bad. Hopefully, ABC makes up for this shit cast by putting William Levy in a Spandex dong hammock (and keeping Sherri Shepherd out of anything Spandex) every week.
An ancient form of self defense made obsolete with the invention of the match in AD 577. - I am Legend
The ultimate test of The Samuri is to catch a fart and paint it red. - Jimmy Deduca
That's nothing. Jenna Jameson can fart out a whole football team. - Sweetas
Nestle and the Girl Scouts cookie people joined together to create a delicious sugar baby for our bellies they named the Crunch and Thin Mints candy bar! We should all congratulate the 8-year-old Girl Scout who sold ten million boxes of Thin Mints to Nestle to make this happen, but I'm not going to do that yet since you can't buy this bar of YES!! in stores. It's just a sample. So we'll have to put on our undercover Girl Scout uniforms (don't act like you don't have one), gather in front of Nestle's headquarters and wait until the salespeople come out so that we can throw money at them before grabbing their sample cases full of this deliciousness.
I hope this means that the heavens will open up and drop Samoa/Almond Joys into our eat holes. I also hope that the Girl Scout Cookies ice cream and this candy bar is leading up to what we really want: Girl Scout Cookies vodka! I've tried to make it on my own, but the Samoas keep clogging up my at-home distiller.
via The Daily What
Cindy Wilson (55)
Fefe Dobson (27)
Karolina Kurkova (28)
Natalia Vodianova (30)
Ali Larter (36)
Tangi Miller (38)
Rory Cochrane (40)
Robert Sean Leonard (43)
Rae Dawn Chong (51)
John Turturro (55)
Gilbert Gottfried (57)
Mercedes Ruehl (64)
Mike Figgis (64)
Stephanie Beacham (64)
Bernadette Peters (64)
Kelly Bishop (68)
Mario Andretti (72)
Tommy Tune (73)
Gavin MacLeod (81)
Charles Durning (89)
I will never forgive myself for letting the stupid Oscars suck up most of my day when I should've been focused on more important things in the world like these stunning portraits of the naturally gorgeous Pamela Anderson. These pictures of Pamela at a Terry Richardson party in L.A. are from the far away past that was Friday night, but it's never too late to share brows, lashes, lip liner and lusciousness like this with you.
Pamela looks like she just got her make-up done by a former chola turned beauty school student at a cosmetics stand in Santee Alley. Every man, woman and child needs to take notes, because if you're going to find beauty in a tube of lip liner, this is how it's done. If you don't end up looking like a half-melted and cholafied Old Navy mannequin, you're doing it wrong. Pamela should have one of those QR codes on her, so hos can scan her and find out exactly which products from the Wet 'N Wild section at Rite Aid she uses. The chola porn star look is so NOW.
Terry's party must have been BYOB (bring your own beauty), because not only was Pamela there but some dude carried in glamour tornado Spaz de la Huerta. Don't these pictures of that dude carrying Spaz's messy ass across the red carpet remind you of the scene in Cleopatra where man slaves carry Elizabeth Taylor on a throne? Such regalness.
Madge has a new single called "Girl Gone Wild
With Photoshop" and on the cover for the single she's got a new face obviously inspired by Amanda Lepore - Towleroad
JLo let Casper Smart stay up past his bedtime last night - Lainey Gossip
Spaz de la Huerta does another exquisite photo shoot that looks straight out of Ladies Home Journal - (site NSFW) Drunk Stepfather
Upside down camel toe alert! - Hollywood Tuna
In other news, Katy Perry has also asked Paula Deen to be her nutritionist - The Superficial
Ryan Gosling is in every single movie this year and yet he's not in Jimmy Kimmel's Movie: The Movie with every other actor who is currently living on earth - The Berry
Natalie Portman, please move to the side, because I'd like my eyes to pay complete attention to the hot memaw in spaghetti straps behind you - Popoholic
KNOCKED UP: Uma Thurman is - ICYDK
ASkars looking hot as fux in a tux - Just Jared
Glamberace's eyebrow situation vs. Justin Mikita's eyebrow situation - OMG Blog
Every single picture from the Vanity Fair party. Every single one. - Popsugar
Rehab did Gerard Butler some good and by that I mean he looks like he took a shower - Celebitchy
Uggie gets the best Oscar of all - The Daily What
YES = That dude giving me his best Glamour Shots face while that little girl shows that she's not impressed with JLo - Cityrag
Oprah Fight Club needs to happen - SOW
Nicole Richie in Flare Magazine - I'm Not Obsessed
Stephanie Seymour proudly flashes her tanned nipples in V - Hollywood Rag
And 9 minutes later, Kate Upton butt birthed out an adorable poop burger baby - Videogum
K-Wellfed tells the Herald Sun that he wants his Cheetolings to grow up to be normal people and he'll make sure they know the value of a dollar by forcing them to get jobs at McDonald's. Working at pizza place as a teen made KFed the unemployed, failed rapper, gold digger he is today.
"I'll have them working at Micky D's. That's how we had to do it! I worked at a car wash, I worked at a pizza place. Things like that made me. I can be in this business now and I'm still the same person I am back then, because I know what I want out of life and how to treat people."
Oh, please. KFed is popozaoing out a whole lot of shit. KFed is going to make the Cheetolings work at McDonald's, because his ass just wants free Quarter Pounders. Actually, that's a really good reason. When Brit Brit stops sending KFed a check, somebody's going to have to feed him, because he's sure as hell not going to do it himself.
And now thanks to Photoshop (and everybody who sent this in), we're all done here. Oh no, wait:
Okay, now we're really done.
I normally don't do that "best dress of the night" shit, because: a) Coming from me, who gives three craps? and b) 99.999% of the dresses last night from the House of MEH. But I have to break my own tradition by giving all the gold stars to George Clooney's paid escort Stacy Keibler. Now that awards season is over and Stacy's services as George's red carpet piece are no longer needed, she'll be banished to the land of lost trophies with Sarah Larson, but at least she went out big!
First of all, Stacy's dress is gold and so even though George was a huge loser last night, he still went home with a trophy that has the personality of metal. Second of all, not only does that flower thing on her hip look like a delicious gold Cinnabon, but if you think like a 13-year-old (aka like me) you'll see that the flower thing also looks like a blossom of gold labias. It's genius! It's like a vagina flower on her hip. If George suddenly got in the mood to hump, Stacy wouldn't have to do a thing. She'd just have to cock her hip to the side while George cocks the flower on her side. So because of all that, STACY WINS!
And I also threw in a few pictures of some other dresses, because it's not like you've already seen the same pictures on a million other sites. In order: Stacy with George, Princess Charlene with Prince Pierced Peen, Sandra Bullock, Rose Byrne, Penny Cruz, Viola Davis, Tina Fey, A NUN!!!, Milla Jovovich, Rooney Mara, Melissa McCarthy, Fishsticks (it's a bird, it's a plane, it's supercunt), Natalie Portman with her maybe husband, Esperanza Spalding, Michelle Williams and Pharrell. Wait. Where was Sally Kirkland? The Oscars aren't the same without Sally Kirkland running around the red carpet wearing a rug from Pier 1 as a dress. So that's why the Oscars sucked. It didn't have its good luck charm.