This hot television celebrity certainly has her fingers in a lot of pies… and her legs wrapped around a lot of men. The staff and guests of a certain New York hotel are buzzing over the steady stream of celebrities to her room, one per evening. The festivities start like clockwork around 10:00 pm every night and go on for three or four hours of headboard-pounding, filthy-talking, moaning, screaming fun!
In other news, it seems that her taste has shifted from vanilla to café au lait to dark chocolate. While she first became famous for her trysts with a certain pale singer, her visitors this time include a mononymed Canadian singer and a very famous male model. Yummy! We’ll bet her husband is so proud of his wife’s sophisticated palate! (Blind Gossip)
My dream guess:
Hot celeb: Paula Deen
Pale singer: The Mac Tonight Moon Man from the McDonald's commercials
Canadian singer: Anka (as in Paul)
Male model: The Hershey's Kisses Dude
My actual guess:
Hot celeb: Giada De Laurentiis?
Pale singer: John Mayer?
Canadian singer: Drake?
Male model: Tyson Beckford?
IN THIS ECONOMY, this ho (who ever it is) is wasting money on hotel rooms. Ho needs to get herself a secret fuck shack in the city. All she needs is a studio, a mattress, a sink for a quick whore bath and a cabinet for toilet paper, condoms, lube and a box of cornstarch to mask the sex fumes on her crotch.
One of the Real Housewives couples is in panic mode right now because their world might come crashing down because of one side remark made by another Real Housewife that struck way closer to home than intended. Apparently this couple is barely hanging on but does not want the world to see it and were really upset when a cast member who does not even know what is going on said the couple is barely hanging on. The publicists for the couple are in damage control mode, but that is not their biggest worry. Leaks are beginning to emerge in their carefully constructed cover which was never intended for full media attention. Specifically, friends of the couple have been hinting that the couple have an open marriage and that the husband complains he has not had sex in years and that the couple, who do have children might not have actually had natural conception, especially considering the wife's age and the age of the kids. (CDAN)
On part 56 of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion, Pig Slut Brandi swiped at Adrienne Maloof's marriage, so that's my guess.
This child star of celebrity parents is so spoiled and obnoxious that many of his parents’ friends – including their A-list pals – won’t invite the famous family over unless they know the kid’s not coming! The mini-terror is known for bossing around the servers and housekeepers. Who is he? (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip)
Jaden Smith? Suri is not impressed.
I don't know why an evil ho sent me a video titled "Hissing Cockroach Giving Birth." I don't know why I watched a video titled "Hissing Cockroach Giving Birth." I don't know why I'm posting a video titled "Hissing Cockroach Giving Birth." And I really don't know why I'm giving you the option to watch a video titled "Hissing Cockroach Giving Birth."
Just look at it as some terrifying shit that will prepare for you the day when Pimp Mama Kris leaks the videos of her birthing out Kim, Khloe and Kourtney. Wait. Maybe this IS the video of Pimp Mama Kris birthing out the KKK.
If one of Brit Brit's Cheetolings was a girl, this would be them right now.
Most of you have already laughed, weeped and come up with a plan to spike the water system with birth control pills after watching the glorious mess that is Honey Boo-Boo Chile and her creator June the Hutt on Toddlers & Tiaras and every single talk show on television. Part of me wants a daughter just like Honey Boo-Boo Chile, because she's always crunked out of her mind (Like me!), loves money more than people (Like me!) and is a drag queen Jackee Harry trapped in a little girl's body (Like I wish to be!). The other part of me thinks that Honey Boo-Boo Chile and her mom June are a product of the government to promote human sterilization. What ever their deal is, they shared it on The Silver Fox Show (in an episode that airs tomorrow) and I don't think my nightmares will ever be the same again.
Mah Boo gave the moms of Toddlers & Tiaras a child beauty pageant queen makeover, so they know what their daughters feel like. Most of the moms look like any random trick on Slutoween, but June the Hutt took the cake and ate it. Just like June's parenting skills are lost somewhere in the crack of that sideways butt on her neck, my thoughts on this are completely lost too. It's just too much of a beautiful mess. I'd scream at Honey Boo-Boo Chile to turn around and stare into her future, but homegirl is too high to understand. But I do love that she's posing like my chola friend throwing a gang sign in her 7th grade yearbook picture.
Speaking of getting high, here's a clip of Mah Boo trying the "Go-Go Juice" that June the Hutt gives Honey Boo-Boo Chile to give her energy. It's basically the nectar of the white trash gods (Red Bull and Mountain Dew).
You can try Honey Boo-Boo Chile's Go-Go Juice for yourself in a few weeks when Walmart inevitably sells it in their baby section next to Toddler's First Eye Waxing Kit and strawberry-scented wig glue for kids.
On Watch What Happens Live last night, the Beast Vincent of hip hop, Lil' Kim, let the piping hot hate she feels for Fire Marshall Minaj (copyright: ONTD) melt her frozen face so she could move her mouth to say that only a stupid ho would write a song called "Stupid Hoe." The bitch battle royale between Kim and that dark-sided Linda Blair wannabe Nicki Minaj is alive and well. It's never going to end until they finally go at it and all that's left afterward is a patch of Barbie hair and a puddle of silicone.
I know I called Kim a "stupid ho" in my headline, but I've always liked her ass. Kim's face reminds me of La Toya Jackson's fourth generation face (I think Toy Toy's on her fifth by now) and she gave me my life motto: "You ain't lickin' this, you ain't stickin' this." That said, I can't with her ass and I can't with Nick Minaj. When it comes to female rappers, the only teams I'm on are Team KHIA and Team Oaktown 357!
Here's Nicki's arch rival at The Blondes show in NYC yesterday looking like Mufasa in Swan Lake.
Chris Brown, the crusty wart clinging to the ass lips of earth, is already a noted Twitter poet and so it's no surprise that he's a gifted wordsmith all the time. Contrary to popular belief, Chris Brown doesn't gets his hos by hitting them over the head with a club before dragging them to his cave up in the hills to rabidly hump on them. No, Chris Brown is a master of romance and knows exactly what to say to a lady to make her swoon from all her parts. Oh, did I say swoon? I meant that Chris Brown knows exactly what to say to a lady to make her spew out a river of barf that will carry her to the nearest nunnery where she'll open her life to the lord and close her chocha to ALL MEN.
I used to think that nothing could make me consider a life of celibacy (and this is coming from a whore who could easily find a way to fap to the Chyna sex tape) until I went to GrossUSOutWeekly and read the pick-up line that Fist Brown allegedly used on a girl.
Chris Brown -- who pleaded guilty in 2009 for felony assault for hitting then-girlfriend Rihanna -- confidently approached an attractive brunette Feb. 10 at the Lasio Professional Hair Care suite Grammy gift lounge and asked her, "Can I get your number? I promise I won't beat you!" the woman tells Us Weekly.
"He and his friends laughed, then one yelled, 'That's his new line!' Ugh! I wanted to throw up!"
In 100 years, the 2112 edition of Encyclopedia Britannica (Britannica is going to make a huge comeback, trust me) will cite Chris Brown's pick-up line as the catalyst for the infamous Running of the Clits. Seriously, I didn't even know I had a clit until it ran up my asshole after reading that shit.
And of course, Chris Brown's spokeswhore is denying that mess came out of his mouth: "I'd be surprised if Chris said something that stupid."
Yes, because Chris Brown never shits up piles of stupid:
You win, Chris Brown's spokeswhore.
Valentine's Day is already a disgusting, vomit-inducing, eye-rolling holiday of grossness and JLo decided to take it to the next sucio level by Tweeting this picture of her and her bought-and-paid piece Casper Smart to her almost 5 million followers. JLo's delusional ass thought she was giving her followers the perfect portrait of real love, but this is anything but. AWKWARD is one word that just farted out of my brain. This is the moment when JLo looked down and realized that her leased boy toy has her ex-'s face tattooed on his arm.
If I direct my ear toward Eternia, I can pretty much hear Marc Anthony cackling from the top of Castle Grayskull over this shit. Skeletor will forever haunt you, JLo! When you hug your piece in his crib after he's had a scary nightmare about getting suffocated between two Puerto Rican warthogs, it's Skeletor's face you'll see. When you gently put a SpongeBob SquarePants Band-Aid on his arm after he gets his first tetanus shot, it's Skeletor eyes who will be mocking you from Casper's arm. You will never escape Skeletor!
The Daily Mail says that JLo quickly took the picture down and I'm guessing it's because she saw what we're all seeing. I bet that right after she pulled it down, she pulled Casper to the nearest toddler tattoo parlor to get Skeletor's face off of his arm. It's an easy fix. Just throw a wig on that skeleton's face, ink two dollar signs into its eyes and you can call it a JLo tattoo.
And I'm actually surprised that JLo posted her first posed photo with Casper on Twitter for free. JLo was paid a shit load of money to pose with the Dragon Tales Twins on People Magazine, so one would think that she'd do the same thing with her newest child. Oh, JLabuela, love is changing you.
This picture of 95-year-old legendary clubkid Zelda Kaplan was taken yesterday at the Joanna Mastroianni fashion show just minutes before she died as the second model took the runway. As Riley K (no relation), who sent this to me, said: Now THAT, ladies & gents, is how you make an EXIT!
Ruth Finley was sitting next to Zelda at the show and told The Washington Post that she suddenly slumped over. Ruth thought that Zelda fainted and didn't know at the time that her spirit was floating on to the great big front row in the sky. After Zelda slumped over, two men carried her away and she was pronounced dead at the hospital. The show still went on and those who knew Zelda say that's what she would've wanted, because she lived and died for fashion.
Zelda grew up in New Jersey and was a housewife from the 50s to the 60s. When Zelda moved to NYC in the 60s, she went from housewife to party girl. Zelda went out almost every night to all sorts of events, only drank champagne and didn't get up before 2pm. When Zelda wasn't doing humanitarian work in Africa, she was poppin' her pussy on the dance floor next to Amanda Lepore and other clubkids.
Some people say that they want to die in a bed of white cotton sheets while surrounded by their weeping family and friends, but fuck that. Zelda showed us how it's really done by dying while doing what she loved. That's why I want to die with a Zinger (or a peen, I'm not too picky) in my mouth while writing the words "this stupid bitch" in a blog post about a stupid bitch.
Rest in peace, Zelda. You're now in up heaven, out-partying the angels.
He can show you his cock ring by merely lifting up his pant leg. - Migraine Sally
Laugh if you must, but when I bust an old geezer fart, my feet remain on the ground. - Rocket
This gymnast was disqualified for trying to get away with doing both the rings AND the highbeams. - cs182
If you got cables I can give you a jump. - Preferred Username
Because it's turning out to be all-animal Hot Slut Week and I'm not one to go against the natural order of shit, here's another one and probably my favorite one of all. Meet Baby, a super doggy mom from Germany who has become a maternal figure to abandoned baby animals and has nursed them out of the dark. Just like how she's nursing my soul out of the dark with that suspicious "Are you going to eat my face off or give me a no-teeth love bite?" side-eye. That is a poppin' side-eye for the ages. I just want to put it into a locket around my neck to remind me that amazing shit happens every second of the day damn.
Norbert Damm of The Lehnitz animal sanctuary near Berlin tells AP that Baby has raised cats, raccoons and all other sorts of wild creatures throughout the years. And when six little wild boar piglets were brought in after they were found in the wild (three were abandoned, three were left for dead after a hunter killed their mommy), Baby immediately became the sheep mom to their Lambert. Baby thinks the boars are her babies and hasn't left their side. But Mama Baby will soon have to sing "Goodbye" to her boar chirruns, because once they're healthy enough they'll be moved to a nature preserve to learn how to catch food for themselves. Then Mama Baby will spread her maternal love on a new litter of babies in need.
These pictures below will make you grow bulldog ovaries before getting pregnant and giving birth to a furry bundle of AWWWWWWWWs that you'll immediately hand over to Mama Baby since there's no way you can do a better job at mothering than she can. Bitch is a professional mother and if the world was a right place, she'd be in charge of raising Charlie Sheen's twins, Ali Lohan and Halle Berry's kid. Shit, she should raise all of us!
Elizabeth Olsen (23)
Agyness Deyn (29)
Lupe Fiasco (30)
John Tartaglia (34)
Sarah Clarke (40)
Christopher Eccleston (48)
Andy Taylor (51)
John McEnroe (53)
LeVar Burton (55)
James Ingram (56)
Vincent Ward (56)
Steve Kmetko (59)