When we last heard of the Brazilian blossom Sheyla Hershey, she was lying on her death bed after she tried to kill herself because she was forced to downsize her 38M titties and she didn't want to live in a world where she didn't have two globes of pure silicone suffocating her lungs (aka asTITSiation). It was a true titty tragedy (aka a tragititty). Well, those same plastic chest planets that almost put her in the grave, kept her out of the grave this past weekend. This is the information the Surgeon General needs to order that a "FAKE TITS SAVES LIVES!" label must go on every bag of chichi gel.
Sheyla tells The Mirror that after she got boozed up at a Super Bowl in Houston, TX, she sort of kind of smashed into a tree while driving home. Sheyla wasn't wearing a seat belt, so the sheer force of hitting a tree should've sent her flying through the windshield to her death. But thankfully, Sheyla has a pair of 38KKK built-in airbags that saved her life. Sheyla denies that she was drunk, but she was still arrested and will have to answer to the DUI charge in court next month.
It makes my nipple slits smile knowing that Sheyla has fully recovered from her suicide attempt and has realized that the world needs beauties like her to keep spinning and she will continue to stretch out baby blue cotton jumpsuits (Really, the fuck is she wearing?) with her enormous tits. But then it makes my nipples slits frown knowing that the Houston Police Department put this beauty behind bars for even a quick minute. That is an injustice! Sheyla is a precious gift and if she left this world, the silicone industry would go bankrupt and fake tits would become extinct. It would be a sad world. And Sheyla's hippo ass tits stopped this from happening. So she should be awarded a Nobel Peace Prize, not arrested! We need a petition for this shit.
And I also need to see Sheyla reenact this crash on The Insider. But only because I need to know how she's able to drive with those quadruple stuffed chest balls in the way. Did she remove her driver seat and just drives from the backseat using two cat grabbers? Does she drive with her tits and uses her hands to reapply her exquisite eyebrows? I bet it's the latter. There's really NOTHING Sheyla's life-saving tits can't do.
Obviously, Dexter's ginger beard of fiery dreams has brought him and his ex-wife back together again. No woman can resist a ginge who looks like a hipster leprechaun lumberjack. - Lainey Gossip
The Steve-O of Norway is just winking at Darwin now - Towleroad
Amber Rose looks like she's smuggling three litters of pugs in her leggings - Hollywood Tuna
FYI: Miranda Kerr's baby weighs more than she does - The Superficial
Jodie Marsh was robbed of a role she was born to play! - Celebitchy
Four words I was not expecting to read today: Nia Long Camel Toe - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
If only they made lights that could perk up Simon Cowell's depressed titties too - The Berry
I see that Vanessa Hudgens gets her fashion inspiration from Courtney Stodden's elegant armlet - Popoholic
Sarah Jessica Parker takes a night off from scaring the children by covering her cronie hands - Popsugar
I'm more disappointed that Russell Brand didn't sign his name with a smiley peen - ICYDK
R.I.P. House - Just Jared
The Liposuction of Venus - OMG Blog
In possibly related news, Jersey City has announced it will start putting Valtrex and antibiotics in the water - I'm Not Obsessed
KD Lang is looking AWFUL - SOW
True love served 12 different ways - Cityrag
Rose McGowan's face is slowly slipping off of her head - Moe Jackson
Prince, come and get your squirrel - The Daily What
Quick Correction: When I think of dry coochie, I think of Bruce Jenner's dried-up labia face. But the makers of Zestra, a sex sauce for ladies with cottonmouth of the 'gina, think of Pimp Mama Kris and so they asked her to be the spokeswhore for their pussy lube. This is a genius move on Zestra's part since when you look at Kris Jenner's face, all the moisture evaporates from your wet parts and you need a bottle of lube more than ever. Try it. Stare at Kris' face and then try to tell me I'm lying after you look down into your panties to find a tumbleweed and a patch of dried tears.
Here's a piece from Pimp Mama Kris' introduction letter on Zestra's site:
You can’t always plan a romantic dinner or wait for a vacation to have amazing sex, so you have to take advantage of those moments of mutual intimacy. And that’s what I love about Zestra…it works in minutes and is easy-to-use. For me, it’s instant gratification. In a busy, complicated, hectic life, you can still fit in the time for sex, and you know it’s going to be enjoyable.
Zestra is a safe, natural blend of botanical oils. And it’s clinically proven to enhance sexual desire, arousal and satisfaction in 70% of women. This includes women of all ages and life stages, as well as women on certain types of medication who experience sexual difficulties. That’s important to me. So whether you are 30 or 50, on antidepressants or just stressed from everyday life, Zestra can work for you.
Now, if you are reading this and thinking, “Okay Kris. Busy I can handle. Being over 50 (and fabulous!) I can handle. But what do I do if I’m bored to tears with my relationship?” Well, I’m going to give you the same answer. Try Zestra.
Kris doesn't mention this in her letter, but she also smears Zestra on Bruce's Cassandra face when he needs to make an expression.
Doesn't Zestra sort of sound like that gross shit Olestra? You know that crap they put in chips that gave everyone the butt vomits? I bet that when Olestra flopped, the makers repackaged it as lube and are now calling Zestra! It figures that a Pimp Mama Kris-endorsed lube will give you a wet pussy and a wet ass at the same time.
In today's NSFW crossover episode between Memaw Is Not The One and Tales From Public Transportation, my new role model lays into some young trick on a SEPTA bus in Philadelphia and if I had to use one word to describe this it would be: MAGIC!
This memaw doesn't need to pull a switch out of her bag when she can verbally hit a ho with gems like "I'm not a stupid bitch like you!" and "You see this fist?" Leave it to the older and wiser generation to teach us that you don't need to punch your enemy to prove a point, you just need to call them a stupid bitch over and over again. Whenever I'm feeling low, I'll pick myself up again by thinking about how somewhere in Philadelphia this granny is serving some STANK on a young trick who just doesn't know.
Now, where can I get all the paperwork I need to legally adopt this poetic granny as my standby abuelita?
UPDATE: I had to pull the pic down, but click here to see it and more.
In the battle to see which childhood star can look the meth-iest, Lindsay Lohan is still winning by a thousand meth faces, but Macauley Culkin is a close second. Entertainment Tonight got a hold of a few pictures of 31-year-old Kevin McCallister in NYC yesterday looking like Steve Buscemi trying to shape shift into a crackhead Gary Busey. Macauley's rep must be White Oprah, because they tell ET that he's in perfectly good health and there's no reason to start a prayer circle for him. What part of this picture says "perfectly good health" to you? I'm blaming all of this on that can of Red Bull and that Spencer Pratt-ish flesh pube beard. Somebody please get Macauley a razor and a can of Ensure.
via Yahoo (Thanks to everybody who sent this in)
Beyonce and Jay-Z are making it clear that if anybody's going to make money off of their chosen one, it's going to be their asses. A few days after Blue Ivy Carter became the only baby born on earth (It's true. All our birth certificates are now null and void since B.I.C. is the only human that matters.), several hos tried to trademark her full name to use on a line of baby products. Those trademarks were stamped with a giant red DENIED and the trademark office said that the name already belonged to the most famous human on the planet. According to The Washington Post, Beyonce and Jay-Z are trying to stop future trademark filings by reserving the name Blue Ivy Carter for a future line of baby cosmetics (the fuck?), diaper bags, strollers and all sorts of other tacky baby shit.
One expert thinks Beyonce and Jay-Z's application will be approved right away since parents have the right to trademark the names of their underage kids. Another expert is side-eyeing all of this, because he thinks Beyonce and Jay-Z are getting special treatment since their application has been fast-tracked.
Two things: Welcome to Planet Bey-Z, second expert. Of course, Beyonce and Jay-Z are getting special treatment. The line always forms behind them and the phrase "take a number" is as foreign to them as natural sunlight is to Basement Baby. Second, I love how Beyonce and Jay-Z are really trying to act like they're just doing this to stop shady whores from making $$$ off their baby and they have no interest in putting out a line of baby product products. We all know that the shelves of Babies 'R Us will be soon covered with B.I.C. baby lace fronts and B.I.C. baby bodysuits with the words "Suri Who?" bedazzled on them.
In other Jay-Z news, if you're in the mood for an eye seizure, try to sit through Jay-Z and Kanye's video for N*ggas in Paris. WARNING: You might want to smoke a bowl of Blue Ivy Kush (no trademark) before entering strobe light fuckery hell.
That oily, rank-smelling drops of nastiness that just appeared on your monitor is from potent sarcasm dripping from that title. In case you didn't already know from that cloud of insanity hovering over L.A., the joint ambassadors of CRAZY, Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry, are turning their pretty faces into uglycrazyfaces while fighting over Nahla in court. Gabriel loses his shit over every move Halle makes and Halle loses her shit over every move Gabriel makes. The whole scene is messier than a fist party catered by Metamucil. So that's why it's such a perfect time for Halle to pick up Nahla and move all the way to France to be with her piece Olivier Martinez. And of course, Gabriel is taking the news so well that he's bought Nahla a beret and has taught her how to say "I have the best and sanest mommy ever" in French. Only, he's not.
TMZ says that Halle's lawyers filed papers yesterday asking the court to approve her move to France. A hearing will be scheduled soon and workers are currently padding the walls of the court room since bitches are obviously going to get crazy. One source tells TMZ that Gabriel thinks this is Halle's way of trying to keep him from his daughter and he doesn't like that Nahla is going to live with Olivier full-time. TMZ thinks Halle has a case, because her stalker has broken into her house a few times and Nahla might be safer in Europe.
Why didn't Halle just make a baby with Gabriel, dump him as soon as she got knocked up, stage a photo-op outside of a sperm donation center and then deny deny away when he asks her if the kid is his. That's what any reasonable person would do! Because it's pretty obvious that Halle only wanted Gabriel's baby-making chowder and is trying to push him out of the picture for good so she can have Nahla all to herself. Halle is just adding another layer of crazy to this overgrown pile of crazy.
The only good that can come out of this is that Gabriel will star in a real life remake of Not Without My Daughter:
Yes, even during high pressure situations, Gabriel still keeps it cool enough to make a sexy model face.
What started out as a feel good story about a firefighter rescuing an Argentine mastiff from an icy lake ended with the news anchor getting messed up in the lips. Kyle Dyer of Denver 9 News was almost done interviewing the dog's owner and the firefighter when she got closer to Gladiator Maximus (I can't with that name) and the ho bit her ass hard. Paramedics were called and Kyle had to be taken to the hospital where she underwent reconstructive surgery for injuries on her lips. Kyle's co-anchor said that it could take a few weeks for her to fully recover and she won't be back on the air for a while.
The day before, Max fell into a cold ass lake while trying to catch a coyote. The news covered his rescue and Max sort of became a local star for the day. So Denver 9 News brought Max, his owner Michael Robinson and firefighter Tyler Sugaski into the station to talk about it. Max and Kyle seemed like they were bonding on a real level at first. Kyle pet Max and he didn't look like he wanted her lips in his stomach as he gazed into her face. But when Kyle got a little closer, Max lunged at her.
Animal Control was also called to the station and they took Max to doggy jail. Max has been quarantined for 10 days to make sure he doesn't have rabies. A rep for the Denver Environmental Health department told the NYDN that once those 10 days are up, a judge will decide what happens to Max. Max's owner was also hit with three citations for not having his dog on a leash, allowing his dog to bite and not updating his dog's rabies vaccination.
On one hand, Kyle has probably seen too many Disney movies and thinks that dogs just love it when a stranger tries to kiss on their face without an invitation. (Obviously, Kyle should sue Disney for this.) Kyle thought she was going to have a precious "Lady and the Tramp" moment with Max and he gave her a Cujo moment instead. On the other hand, Max's owner needs to be sentenced to three months in Cesar Millan's Academy of Dumb Fuck Owners for obvious reasons.
And I think Max being stressed the hell out has a lot to do with the fact that his owner named him Gladiator Maximus.
If you told me that this was really White Oprah trying to look like 25-year-old (in Stodden years, obviously) Lindsay Lohan with the help of a backwards discount wig named Crystal from Party City, bronzer (in shade: death diarrhea) mixed with bloody dirt from a crime scene and the make-up artist who did Pam's rotting skin on True Blood, I wouldn't call you a liar. This is LiLo at an amfAR gala in NYC last night, and I wouldn't be surprised if she once she strolled in looking like that, the organizers changed the event to benefit her instead of AIDS research, because DAMN. We can all update the saying "like death warmed over" to "like LiLo warmed over."
LiLo obviously doesn't have any friends, because a true friend wouldn't let her leave the motel room looking like Owen Wilson going to a Halloween party as a zombie Loretta Swit. Somebody needs to cover her with a fumigation tent and drag her to church for a long soak in a bowl of holy water right after they sit her down for a one-on-one intervention with Nancy Reagan. LiLo is a walking Just Say No campaign. I mean, those gaping nostril holes need a lap band around them, because bitch can snort a line from across the room.
When you're 25 and making Woody Allen look young, fresh and hot by comparison, it's time to get Jesus in your life. Shit, Scientology is the devil, but at this point I'd tell LiLo to get some Xenu in her life.
It took his whole fortune to achieve and forty years of trying, but finally Beiber was able to butch up his image. - Datura
Dog the bounty hunter's seldom seen son, Pups, the pussy hunter - Eileenie McMeanie
When Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchison invite another porn iguana into their bedroom, they like to send her home with a commemorative portrait. - skabazzle
Sure, Derek got charged extra at Glamour Shots in the mall, but as far as he was concerned, the greek tragedy set surcharge (and the escorts on clearance he rented) were worth every fuckin' penny. - Aphid