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There's a hurtful, soul-murdering rumor going around that's making staches frown and rhinestones cry. The Daily Star, an esteemed British journal that tops The Daily Mail as the most reputable news source in the world, has threatened all of us by publishing a story today that claims Glamberace will screech his nipples off as the new leader singer of Queen. The quote they used from Glamberace has been scientifically proven to cause a bitch to slowly wall slide while letting out a silent cry of noooooooos.

"The intention is to pay tribute to Freddie and the band by singing some fucking great songs. It's to keep the music alive for the fans and give it an energy that Freddie would've been proud of."

Don't fall against the wall just yet, because apparently The Daily Star lifted this quote from a press conference for the 2011 MTV EMAs. Glamberace performed with Queen at the EMAs that year. Queen's label, Hollywood Records, told Rolling Stone that Glambace is not slipping into Freddie Mercury's latex ass huggers, but he might perform with them for one or two dates:

"The Daily Star item only mentions that Adam may perform with Queen at Sonisphere. This is not confirmed. Nothing has been signed. However, if this were to happen, Queen would be returning to the setting of their final concert with Freddie Mercury, which took place in 1986."

So put a handful of glitter in your mouth and exhale out a glittery sigh of relief, because we've just dodged THE WORST THING THAT WOULD'VE EVER HAPPENED TO MUSIC!!!!!! Okay, okay, maybe I'm turning on the dramatic cunt theatrics, but blame it on the humidifier next to me. You know what smoky vapors do to me. It makes me type in a Phantom of the Opera voice and just makes me EXTRA dramatic.

The truth is, Queen has been touring for years ever since Freddie Mercury floated up to the giant Spandex spool in the sky and I've seen them about as many times as I've eaten broccoli without mayo on top. ZERO! And how many times would I see them if Adam Lambert sang with them? ZERO! So this doesn't really affect my ass. But you know, I'd probably pull myself away from the lure of my humidifier to see Queen if Christopher Lambert (as The Highlander) sang lead.

Guess the ho who has decorated her parbaked breadstick legs with socks made out of vomit and boots made of pure fugness? - Hollywood Tuna

Two hobos go looking for a lost cat - Lainey Gossip

I think what Our Lady of Cunts is trying to say is that Brit Brit's singing voice sounds like a toilet flushing - The Superficial

After looking at this picture of Terry Richardson and Lady CaCa, I'm pretty sure scabies are living on my eyelashes now - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

M.I.A.'s video > Madge's Old Navy commercial of a video - Towleroad

Stacy Keibler will get an empty cardboard box for her belongings and a signed pink slip any day now - Celebitchy

Contrary to popular belief, Ashley Greene can walk and hold a water bottle at the same time - Popoholic

Harry Potter and the Half-Bloody Mary - ICYDK

Posh's A++ eyebrow situation on ID Magazine - Popsugar

Man nipples galore - The Berry

Let's just assume that Michael Cera is either getting into character for a Welcome Back Kotter remake or he really just wants little children to run from him since he looks like PedoBear's sidekick - Celebslam

Joe Man Jello manages to look hot despite the fact that he's obviously suffering through a brain freeze while trying to push out a sneeze - Just Jared

Russian Kids Are Fucking Shit Ass Crazy, Part 4,562,198 - The Daily What

All the E*Trade Baby Super Bowl commercials - Cityrag

Russell Brand really needs to wear pasties with a sheer blouse like that - I'm Not Obsessed

Ryan Gaycrest gets his mouth around some chicken (and not the kind of chicken he's used to) - SOW

The Original Teen Mom is talking - Hollywood Rag

(Picture via Fame)

The torture of RiRi's scalp continued the other day when she bleached whatever natural hair she has left and glued in pieces she ripped out of Beyonce's old discarded wig until she looked like a cross between Peg from Lady and the Tramp and a trampled over Goldie Hawn. I should love this mess since RiRi looks like a late 1970s hitchhiking hooker who's addicted to angel dust and old men who smell like motor oil, but this just looks like a wilting Tina Turner to me. It's like Tina Turner's "What's Love Got To Do With It?" hair got depressed and needs some Prozac. This is taking that Ike & Tina shit way too far.

Mr. Ghetto has already caused many a Walmart shopper to check for ass dust on any products they wish to buy (Note: You should probably always check for ass dust at Walmart anyway.) and now he's back to ruin The Lion King for all of us. What did Simba ever do to Mr. Ghetto?! Any thoughts I had about this mess were swatted away by those bouncing leopard asses. I just want to lie down on the floor and wait until a stampede of wildebeest puts me out of my misery. I'm only passing this on to you, because I believe in the Circle of Fuckery. And what is the opposite of Hakuna Matata, because I have a lot of that after watching this.

(I hate you for this, Crunk + Disorderly)

Since Kim Kardashian is trying to beat the jockstrap's record by wrapping herself around as many professional athlete dicks as possible, she has apparently started down low fucking on Mark Sanchez, the quarterback for the New York Jets. The sports blog Terez Owens (via Radar) is hearing that Kim clamped her ham hocks around Mark while filming the first season of Kourtney & Kim Take It Up The Ass and they recently started up again. Mark has a girlfriend, but that hasn't stopped him from trying to conquer Kim's Mount Doom ass whenever they're in the same city. The source put it like this:

“Kim and Mark like to meet in hotels for dinner dates and flings. Whenever Kim is in New York, they hang out. They are very careful with not being seen together, Mark is seeing someone!”

Okay, the source lost me at "very careful with not being seen together." Kim not wanting to be seen is like Khloe not wanting to drag a small dog by the neck up to her den in the hills every time she sees one. It's instinct! Kim isn't powered by a beating heart and working internal organs like us. Bitch gets her energy from eyes looking at her and cameras flashing at her. That's how she feeds the dark orb in her chest. And wasn't Mark Sanchez recently caught doing a 17-year-old or something? And before that he was doing Hayden Pantyairs who looks like one of the boys from The Sandalot with tits. Kim's second face is younger than a preteen, but she's over 30, so I don't think she's the kind Mark pulls his peen out for. Pimp Mama Kris needs to do her research before she leaks fake stories.

Here's Kim walking around Miami last night while looking like a sweet and sour chicken wing.

Just a few days before the spirit of a 13-year-old skater boy from the Midwest possessed Demi Moore's body and made her nitrous her way to a seizure, she was partying next to her daughter Rumer Willis in the VIP section at the dick cake party Miley Cyrus threw for her piece. Demi is officially that divorced mom who crashes her kid's birthday party in the basement and hands all the boys bottles of Mike's Hard Lemonade before ripping off her Juicy Couture hoodie to shake her concrete titty balls to a Lil' Wayne song. If you took away the whole "murdering her husband" thing, bitch would be Nicole Kidman in To Die For.

TMZ says that at Miley's party, Demi guzzled down Red Bull after Red Bull like those cans had the jizz of eternal youth in them. Demi partied with Rumer and her friends in the VIP section before leaving at around midnight. Some source says that Demi is wrapping her thighs around her fading youth and refuses to let go. A different source tells People that even Bruce Willis knew Demi was fucked up in a sad way and tried to get her help before she snipped Ashton Kutcher's leash.

When you're a 49-year-old woman partying it up with your daughter at a club and you've got a can of bull piss in your hand while your eyes are watching Miley Cyrus lick the pube beads on a dick cake, somebody needs to tell your ass that this is what rock bottom of a mid-life crisis looks like and you need to stop. Now, I'm not saying that partying with your kids is wrong. I've partied with some of my aunties and it's usually the best. They buy all the drinks and they designate themselves as the responsible driver. They also have your back when you have to punch your way through the bathroom line to drunk barf into the sink. But what they don't do is ruin the damn party by overdosing on whip-its. I swear, Demi should leave that kind of behavior to White Oprah. Get your own mid-life crisis, Demi!

Just like when Brit Brit mowed her swamp weave and when Felicity took a machete to her curly hair mane, the children are losing their shit (put a diaper on 'em) over 11-year-old Willow Smith snipping her hair whip off and I'm sure you've already seen this highly important world news on CNN Jr.

The newest Smith Family ATM Machine posted a Tweeted of pictures of her buzzed cue ball and my first thought was: Stop making fucking fart faces or it will stay like that forever and then Will & Jada will have a really hard time making more money off of you. My second thought was: Oh, so that's what a real life Oscar from Shark Tale looks like. No, really, shaving her head totally brings out the Will Smith in her face.

Unless Khia announces that she's running for President on the Bust A Nut Party's ticket, my vote goes to Roseanne who is promising us a change we can smoke up! Roseanne officially announced on Twitter last night that she has filed all of the paperwork to run for President as a Green Party candidate. If the Four Horsemen, locusts, false prophets and dead fish are allowed to vote, Roseanne will become President in 2012 and she says that she will legalize the good shit in every state, wipe away everybody's credit card debts and give us a European-style healthcare system. Roseanne had me checking her name on the ballot at "legalize the good shit." But Roseanne's promises do sound like some crap you'd read on a 14-year-old's "If I Were President" essay.

This is the statement she released to E! News about her latest STUNT QUEEN move:

"I am pleased to announce that I am seeking the Green Party's nomination for President of these United States of America. The Democrats and Republicans have proven that they are servants—bought and paid for by the 1%—who are not doing what's in the best interest of the American people. As a long time supporter of the Green Party, I look forward to working with people who share my values. Behold the greening of America!"

Roseanne is made of pure crazy, doesn't make sense a lot of the time and would probably use her powers as President to become a billionaire by forcing us to eat macadamia nuts daily for the next four years. Bitch will fit right in with the other candidates! And I really hope that she chooses Crystal Conner as her running mate.

Yeah, that screenshot does look like a poodle in Marilyn Monroe drag begging for a treat....

It's the return of Madge thrusting her seasoned and weathered boy toy catcher right in your face. To whore out her Super Bowl halftime show on Sunday, Madge birthed out her video for that song that still sounds like an auto-tuned Toni Basil queef and this mess is the weirdest joint commercial between Old Navy and Target I've ever seen. Seriously, this video is a Magic the Dog cameo away from being an Old Navy commercial inspired by the cinematic classic Sugar & Spice as seen through the eyes of a David LaChapelle wannabe.

It's kind of like what happens when Lourdes spikes Madge's morning Benefiber with liquid acid. Madge busts out her spandex-covered crotch, suffocates a baby doll with her dry titty faucet, makes a team of young pieces grope her ass and relives the glory days by Like A Virgin-ing (with a dash of Material Girl and Vogue) herself. Usually when Madge is humping on a brick wall, I get Sally O'Malley meets Baby Jane vibes, but I didn't this time, so I don't hate it at all and her face does look as flawless as a shellacked Tupperware lid. But I'll probably like it a lot more when Sue Sylvester eventually does this video on Glee.

And Glittery Gays of YouTube, you know what to do.

The police finally found a way to keep George Michael from loitering. - magusxxx

Runners-up:

© Lorena Bobbit. - marcusbacus

If you thought drinking Donkey jizz was bad, Fear Factor's newest segment called "would you rather..." also features Blohan's firecrotch. - tonicbitch

A never before seen photograph from the Heaven's Gate compound. - BaconSlut

via Break