Somewhere in L.A., a newborn baby boy is looking up at Ben Affleck's grizzly man ass face and wondering why his father is the unabomber sketch. That is a face that'll make you wanna call America's Most Wanted.
People is hearing from a source that 6-year-old Violet and 3-year-old Seraphina are big sisters to a brother with an unknown name who was born in Santa Monica, CA. Jennifer Garner said a while ago that Ben is cool with a boy or a girl, but you know his ass was just putting on a front, because he's the kind of dude who's been keeping a collection of Red Sox onesies for the son he's always wanted. So Ben's finally got the son of his dreams! Unless....his son ends up like me and would rather dye his She-Ra doll's hair red with food coloring than even glance at a baseball for five seconds.
I'm going to temporarily ignore the winks coming from all those "cheating A-list actor staying with his actress wife for the sake of their unborn child" blind items to talk about the name. We don't know the name yet, but if they're going to keep with the flower or bible theme, I'm guessing they'll go with Dandelion Affleck or Hosanna Affleck. They'll probably name him Matt Damon Affleck, but part of me hopes they'll name him Farnsworth Umbrella Blake. You know, so he can go by F.U. Blake for short.
Lindsay Lohan shot an interview with Matt Lauer for Today this morning (it airs Thursday) to promote her SNL shit this weekend, her ruining of Elizabeth Taylor's image and her devotion to delusion, because she mouth farted out the same shit she said last year. Last year, LiLo told Matt that she was completely keeping her nostrils clean of the bad shit and was on her way to giving mouth-to-mouth to her ravaged carcass of a career. We all know how that turned out. This time, LiLo told Matt that she was totally talking out of her crack hole last year and she now knows she has to prove herself by not acting like a crack bag of fuck ups. As you mutter to yourself "actions fart louder than words" over again, read what LiLo had to say this time:
On if she was high on denial during her last interview: "Definitely and I think it was -- it's a scary thing to have to kind of express to people ... I wasn't as comfortable with myself then. I think it was a fear factor that I had about what was really going on. And, you know, I had to get that wakeup call."
On her party monster ways: "That's not my thing anymore. I went out, actually, a few months ago with a friend. And I was so uncomfortable. Not because I felt tempted, just because it was just the same thing that it always was before. And it just wasn't fun for me. I've become more of a homebody. And I like that."
On if whether or not the industry is at a point where they can trust her to show up on time and do the job: "I think that that's gonna take -- I think that takes time. And I think that it's actions. Because people can say things all they want, but I think I still need to go through the process of proving myself, you know, with 'SNL,' being on time, being, you know, keeping my -- can't say the word -- but stuff together."
On how the dirt in Elizabeth Taylor's grave will get a good mulching from all the rolling: "We're in the middle of casting and figuring -- we start production soon. I've been doing tons of research. But I've always kind of researched her. She's always been a fascinating woman to me. So I'm really honored. And I will not let anyone down, especially myself."
On how she hopes SNL will show directors and producers that they don't have to be afraid of investing in her ass anymore: "I don't want people to have that reason to be scared anymore. So being able to have this opportunity with 'SNL' and the film, I'm gonna do what I'm supposed to do, and enjoy doing it, and do it as best as I can."
Yes, LiLo is the epitome of a homebody and she's always sipping chamomile tea on her loveseat while watching G-rated Hallmark Hall of Fame movies in her footie pajamas. Just like she did this past weekend, and last week, and a couple of weeks before that. But then again, the bar is her home, so it's not like she's lying.
LiLo's whole "I'M A CHANGED CRACKIE" shit reminds me of the story I told on Twitter this past weekend. I was at a bar that was cash only and all I had was $5 on me. So I had to run to the ATM to get booze money and on my way back I run into this nearly toothless dude who could've been homeless. I was already vulnerable, because I was only 3/4th drunk and needed my drank bad. I kind of nodded as he told me that he's a recovering (unintelligible) and that he needs money to get back to his family in (unintelligible). My smallest bill was the $5, so I handed it to him. He said, "I only asked you for a $1 and you gave me $5." He sort of stared at me blankly for a second and I expected him to throw a thanks at me or maybe hug me. I don't know. I just knew I had a delicious cup of the sweet nectar waiting for me and wanted to get out of there. That's when this ho knocked me in the face with some audacity and said, "You know what would really make this $5 better? Another $5." That bold bitch motherfucker. Who the hell says that shit? I should've snatched that $5 back and then told @lindsaylohan to come and get her relative on the corner of 22nd and 8th.
Here's LiLo in NYC last night looking like a greasy weave ball caught in a shower drain. Come to think of it, that homeless dude was carrying an orange Birkin bag...
Natalie Portman and the pirouetting father of her Ivy League graduate baby (yeah, he already graduated) Benjamin Millepied silently announced that their asses are married when they wore their wedding bands to the Oscars on Sunday. Maybe their silent announcement was an homage to The Artist? Or something. Natalie would rather eat raw meat out of a leather wallet (no euphemism, she's veganese) than talk about her personal life, so there's probably not a chance in hell she's going to confirm this. But who needs Natalie to confirm this when her jewelry designer will do it for her. Jooree designer Jamie Wolf tells People Magazine that those rings are of the marriage kind and she made them for Natalie and her huzzzzzbeeeeeend.
Jamie Wolf confirmed today that she designed Natalie Portman and Benjamin Millepied’s “wedding rings,” she shares in a release.
Wolf created two diamond rings for Portman, made to fit on either side of her engagement ring, and a platinum band for Millepied. Both baubles are eco-friendly, made with recycled metals and conflict-free diamonds.
This marriage is going to last about as long as it takes me to do a full plié without farting (that could take a while, actually), so it was kind of smart of Natalie to not officially announce that she's somebody's wife. Because if she didn't announce the marriage, she doesn't have to announce the divorce in a year. Well, silently played, Natalie.
Julia Roberts is in Vanity Fair and the only thing I'm thinking that she took a picture of her calico cat to her colorist and told him to give her that - Lainey Gossip
How come when Freida Pinto pulls her tank top down like that, millions of men cream their eyeballs, but when I do it my dog finds a way to bark out the word "STOP!" in English - Hollywood Tuna
Lindsay Lohan told the SNL writers that she's down for anything and nothing is off the table, so I'm hoping that means we'll get a skit where White Oprah is shot into the universe out of a canon - The Superficial
Like a 90s Amy Winehouse is the vibe Katy Perry's giving me on Interview Magazine - Celebitchy
Excuse me as I shed a tear for the loss of all that delicious German beer, and yes, that waiter is in danger, girl - Towleroad
Just a peek of Salma Hayek's world-saving chichis - Popoholic
RiRi shows us through her outfit that she sucks at choice-making - ICYDK
Here I was thinking that Dolly Parton smelled like butterfly wings, hummingbird juice, wig glue and sunshine - OMG Blog
Oh look, it's Ke$ha's face twin - (NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
They should've cast Trace Cyrus as the Young SJP and called it The Carrot Diaries - The Berry
Chupa Zoe's nanny is more of a fashion icon than she is - Popsugar
I co-sign the "Is this bitch serious with that beard?" face Tom Hardy's dog is throwing - Just Jared
That paradise wallpaper in Solange's basement looks so lifelike - Crunk + Disorderly
I am only okay with this if ASkars is cast as the German girl - Videogum
Last night a window saved my life - The Daily What
Sean Young might not have been drunk on booze but she was definitely drunk on the crazy - I'm Not Obsessed
This needs more Statham spit - Hollywood Rag
Smack my bitch up, indeed - Cityrag
What in the hell kind of GD shit is Johnny Depp on, because looking like this is only okay if you're a hungover colorblind 8-year-old circa 1977 or if you've passed out in the bushes after fucking a hooker and she stole all your clothes so you had to get new ones from a nearby Salvation Army bin. No grown ass man should be wearing jeans by OshKosh B'Gosh. Johnny isn't fighting the hotness, he's killing it not-so-softly. Johnny is starting to make Keef Richards look fap-able.
Johnny looks like he smells like what peen cheese tastes like. Somebody needs to give this bitch a donation. But there is hope. Johnny is wearing a medium blue hanky on his right side and that means he's into everything but 69ing. I hope "everything" includes giving him a full body soapy handjob in the shower and following it up with a Palmolive facial. It cuts the grease.
Road work ahead, they have no idea....
So if you're thinking about getting knocked up, just put some aspirin between your legs and forget about it, because Chestica Simpson is KNOCKED UP for all of us. My eyeballs feel swole just from looking at Jessica and she still has a few more weeks to go before her body explodes. She's either going to give birth to a fully formed 18-year-old or Michelle Duggar's going to kiss her record goodbye when Jess pops out an entire kindergarten class. Not even a private school class. Jess is going to birth out an entire public school class, so they'll have to share a desk and shit.
I don't know whether to say a prayer in front of my Saint Guadalupe candle for the bra straps holding up Jessica's 400-gallon leche sacks or for her ankle bones who are probably going through some serious shit right now. I'll pray for neither and drink an entire pitcher of cherry Kool-Aid instead, because I've suddenly got a craving for some.
Once upon a two years ago, a brain-dead slut baby trapped inside of the body of an Armenian whore bag got pimp slapped by the hand of a 20-year-old party girl trapped in the body of a Demi Moore. It all started when Kim Kardashian's useless ass Tweeted that she was out "big pimpin" with her girlfriends. Now, Pimp Mama Kris should've been the one who pimp slapped that trick for not knowing her place as a common ho. But it was Demi Moore who dragged Kim to the classroom and tried to school her on the meaning of "pimp."
Demi tried to get it through Kim's vapid head that her use of the word "pimp" was glamorizing sex slavery. It was seriously a meeting of the stupids and I completely forget about it. Well, Kim didn't forget about it and Janet Charleton (via Jezebel) says that she dedicated a special song to whippit-loving Demi at Elton John's Oscar party:
At Elton John’s party Kim was heard making fun of the fact that Demi was caught doing drugs with much younger friends -“she called ME immature!” Kim laughingly requested a song “dedicated to Demi” – the song was Devo’s “Whip It!”
And during karaoke night in rehab tonight (please tell me they have karaoke night in rehab), Demi will dedicate the following songs to Urinal Kim: "Splish Splash," "Yellow" by Coldplay, "What the Water Gave Me," "Raindrops Falling On My Head" and David Chappelle's "Piss on You."
Fishsticks Paltrow is an Oscar-winning actress, a Grammy-nominated book talker, a wood-burning pizza oven advocate, a noted eye roll-inducer, a shit tube expert, the pride of Britain and a woman who redefines "pretentious ass bitch" with every GOOP newsletter she queefs out. Well, you can add a new title to Fishy's never-ending list of gifts: master future-teller! The GOOPY one has been cleansed by the infinite light of greatness beaming off of Blue Ivy Carter's halo and tells Hollywood Life (via UsWeekly) that B.I.C. will be the Liza Minnelli to Beyonce's Judy Garland.
"She is going to be an entertainer. She just has this glow around her like her mother. She's stunning. She has the most beautiful eyes.
Beyonce is doing great. She's just a natural at being a mom."
A glow around her? You DUMB DUMB GOOP! That's not a natural glow. Beyonce gets her "glow" from seven layers of liquified gold spread across her face and from the team of assistants shining soft light at her from mobile diffused spotlights. That's the glow of money, honey. And about that "she's going to be an entertainer" thing. I would say "No shit, bitch" to Fishticks, but she'd probably respond with, "No shit? You should try my $425 colon cleanse then!"
I don't have to hump a crystal ball with my eyes to see that Blue Ivy Carter is going to be an entertainer. B.I.C.'s name is trademarked, she has already had a hit single and she just has to let out a burp to get a multi-million dollar record deal from any label of her choosing. I'd glow too if I knew my shit was set for life. But Fishy obviously doesn't understand this, because unlike B.I.C., she had to pound the pavement and work hard for everything she has. It's not like she's only famous because her mom is Blythe Danner, her godfather is Steven Spielberg and her ex-piece is Brad Pitt. No, not at all.
And is that Paula Abdul to the right? (Just pretend and say yes.) Fishy looks like a giant white Vicodin pill in that cape dress thing, so why didn't Paula swallow her whole? Oh Paula, you disappoint.
Page Six says that at Vanity Fair's after-Oscar party on Sunday night, Swedish lightning rod ASkars dropped in on the hand of Zeus and after waving away trick after trick throwing their soppy wet coochies at him, he zeroed his glare on the youngest Olsen, Elizabeth Olsen. ASkars' ex-piece Kate Bosworth was also at the party, but I don't think she saw anything since one of the janitors mistook her for a brittle broom and used her to sweep up all the chocha dust that exploded everywhere when ASkars glided in.
A witness tells P6 that ASKars and Elizabeth Olsen were locked in each other's words in a dark corner for a long time. The witness didn't say if "talking in a corner" led to "Elizabeth climbing Mt. ASkars to explore his mouth cavern of orgasms with her tongue," which would eventually lead to Elizabeth frolicking all over ASkars' naked body. So let's hope it doesn't go past the corner.
I have nothing against Elizabeth Olsen. She's like the Marilyn Munster of the Olsens. She's harmless, but my allegiance forever belongs to the health and well-being of ASkars' Swedish nipple knobs. If shit gets serious between ASkars and Elizabeth, he'll eventually have to sit at the dinner table with the Olsen Trolls. ASkars' charm could make a dead vulture's peen swoon, but his powers have no effect on those evil Olsen Trolls. They would scurry up his body, slide down his mouth and eat him from the inside/out. The next time we'd see ASkars' nipples is when the Olsens wear them as earrings. This Elizabeth Olsen and ASkars thing can't happen. ASkars' nipples are at stake. Fartfull! (Fartfull isn't only the name of an Ikea bench, it's also my favorite Swedish curse word.)
Today on Good Morning Amurica, ABC announced the newest cast of questions marks and has-beens who will shake their nipples off either a much-needed check, a defibrillator pad to their flatlining career or both!
That headline is sort of sprinkled with lies, because I recognize 9 out of 12 of these "stars," but I stuff my head with all kinds of useless shit instead of shit I should probably know. Like I can tell you the first and last name of all the cast members from Rags to Riches without IMDBing for a clue, but if you asked me what my dad's birthday is, I'd make the same face White Oprah makes when someone asks her the names of her sons (aka the leeches who don't contribute to her gin fund).
I know a lot of the hos on the new cast of Dancing for Relevancy, but if you haven't turned your brain into a dilapidated pop culture junkyard like I have, you probably don't know a lot of them. So let's play a game. If you know the ho, then you know the ho. But if their name makes you squint while brain burping out a question mark, then they're officially a stranger bitch. Let's play!
Star: William Levy, Cuban hot piece who should be ordered by the United Nations to never wear clothes for peacekeeping purposes.
Partner: MOP HEAD (Damn that bitch)!
Verdict: I know that ho. I know that ho so well that I can sketch his peen print from memory.
Star: Sherri "The German" Shepherd, flat world advocate and one of the screeching hyenas on The View.
Partner: Val Chmerkovskiy
Verdict: I know that ho and I curse the day that I could say that shit with confidence.
Star: URKEL (government name: Jaleel White)
Partner: Kross Eyed Kym
Verdict: I know that ho and he better dance as Myrtle Urkel.
Star: Martina Navratilova, tennis icon and legendary lez.
Partner: Tony Dovolani
Verdict: I know that ho and I already have a fever from picturing the glamour she's going to give us in rhinestones and feathers.
Star: Jack Wagner, the breaker of Heather Locklear's fragile heart!
Partner: Anna Trebunskaya
Verdict: I know that ho and he better Rumba to All I Need at least once every week.
Star: Donald Driver, football dude.
Partner: Peta Murgatroyd
Verdict: Stranger bitch. I know a lot of packers, but none of them are from Green Bay or wherever this dude is form.
Star: Maria Menounos, some EXTRA (extra being the key word) ho.
Partner: Derek Hough
Verdict: I know that ho.
Star: Roshon Fegan, one of Mickey Mouse's hos and star on some show called Shake It Up.
Partner: Chelsie Hightower.
Verdict: Stranger bitch.
Star: Gavin DeGraw, a member of the John Mayer tribe and a Guinness World Record holder for being the only dude on the planet who still wears newsboy caps past the age of 30 and under the age of 65.
Partner: Karina Smirnoff Ice.
Verdict: I know that ho and I can't wait to see the disco ball lights ricochet off of his epic forehead.
Star: Glady Knight, no description of her skills needed.
Partner: Tristan MacManus
Verdict: I know that ho.
Star: Katherine Jenkins, opera singer.
Partner: Mark Ballas
Verdict: Stranger bitch
Star: Melissa Gilbert, star of Hollywood Wives: The New Generation!
Partner: Maksim Douchekovisky
Verdict: I know that ho.
So even though this is probably one of the worst casts ever, there's only 3 stranger bitches among them for me. Not bad. Hopefully, ABC makes up for this shit cast by putting William Levy in a Spandex dong hammock (and keeping Sherri Shepherd out of anything Spandex) every week.