I will never forgive myself for letting the stupid Oscars suck up most of my day when I should've been focused on more important things in the world like these stunning portraits of the naturally gorgeous Pamela Anderson. These pictures of Pamela at a Terry Richardson party in L.A. are from the far away past that was Friday night, but it's never too late to share brows, lashes, lip liner and lusciousness like this with you.
Pamela looks like she just got her make-up done by a former chola turned beauty school student at a cosmetics stand in Santee Alley. Every man, woman and child needs to take notes, because if you're going to find beauty in a tube of lip liner, this is how it's done. If you don't end up looking like a half-melted and cholafied Old Navy mannequin, you're doing it wrong. Pamela should have one of those QR codes on her, so hos can scan her and find out exactly which products from the Wet 'N Wild section at Rite Aid she uses. The chola porn star look is so NOW.
Terry's party must have been BYOB (bring your own beauty), because not only was Pamela there but some dude carried in glamour tornado Spaz de la Huerta. Don't these pictures of that dude carrying Spaz's messy ass across the red carpet remind you of the scene in Cleopatra where man slaves carry Elizabeth Taylor on a throne? Such regalness.
Madge has a new single called "Girl Gone Wild
With Photoshop" and on the cover for the single she's got a new face obviously inspired by Amanda Lepore - Towleroad
JLo let Casper Smart stay up past his bedtime last night - Lainey Gossip
Spaz de la Huerta does another exquisite photo shoot that looks straight out of Ladies Home Journal - (site NSFW) Drunk Stepfather
Upside down camel toe alert! - Hollywood Tuna
In other news, Katy Perry has also asked Paula Deen to be her nutritionist - The Superficial
Ryan Gosling is in every single movie this year and yet he's not in Jimmy Kimmel's Movie: The Movie with every other actor who is currently living on earth - The Berry
Natalie Portman, please move to the side, because I'd like my eyes to pay complete attention to the hot memaw in spaghetti straps behind you - Popoholic
KNOCKED UP: Uma Thurman is - ICYDK
ASkars looking hot as fux in a tux - Just Jared
Glamberace's eyebrow situation vs. Justin Mikita's eyebrow situation - OMG Blog
Every single picture from the Vanity Fair party. Every single one. - Popsugar
Rehab did Gerard Butler some good and by that I mean he looks like he took a shower - Celebitchy
Uggie gets the best Oscar of all - The Daily What
YES = That dude giving me his best Glamour Shots face while that little girl shows that she's not impressed with JLo - Cityrag
Oprah Fight Club needs to happen - SOW
Nicole Richie in Flare Magazine - I'm Not Obsessed
Stephanie Seymour proudly flashes her tanned nipples in V - Hollywood Rag
And 9 minutes later, Kate Upton butt birthed out an adorable poop burger baby - Videogum
K-Wellfed tells the Herald Sun that he wants his Cheetolings to grow up to be normal people and he'll make sure they know the value of a dollar by forcing them to get jobs at McDonald's. Working at pizza place as a teen made KFed the unemployed, failed rapper, gold digger he is today.
"I'll have them working at Micky D's. That's how we had to do it! I worked at a car wash, I worked at a pizza place. Things like that made me. I can be in this business now and I'm still the same person I am back then, because I know what I want out of life and how to treat people."
Oh, please. KFed is popozaoing out a whole lot of shit. KFed is going to make the Cheetolings work at McDonald's, because his ass just wants free Quarter Pounders. Actually, that's a really good reason. When Brit Brit stops sending KFed a check, somebody's going to have to feed him, because he's sure as hell not going to do it himself.
And now thanks to Photoshop (and everybody who sent this in), we're all done here. Oh no, wait:
Okay, now we're really done.
I normally don't do that "best dress of the night" shit, because: a) Coming from me, who gives three craps? and b) 99.999% of the dresses last night from the House of MEH. But I have to break my own tradition by giving all the gold stars to George Clooney's paid escort Stacy Keibler. Now that awards season is over and Stacy's services as George's red carpet piece are no longer needed, she'll be banished to the land of lost trophies with Sarah Larson, but at least she went out big!
First of all, Stacy's dress is gold and so even though George was a huge loser last night, he still went home with a trophy that has the personality of metal. Second of all, not only does that flower thing on her hip look like a delicious gold Cinnabon, but if you think like a 13-year-old (aka like me) you'll see that the flower thing also looks like a blossom of gold labias. It's genius! It's like a vagina flower on her hip. If George suddenly got in the mood to hump, Stacy wouldn't have to do a thing. She'd just have to cock her hip to the side while George cocks the flower on her side. So because of all that, STACY WINS!
And I also threw in a few pictures of some other dresses, because it's not like you've already seen the same pictures on a million other sites. In order: Stacy with George, Princess Charlene with Prince Pierced Peen, Sandra Bullock, Rose Byrne, Penny Cruz, Viola Davis, Tina Fey, A NUN!!!, Milla Jovovich, Rooney Mara, Melissa McCarthy, Fishsticks (it's a bird, it's a plane, it's supercunt), Natalie Portman with her maybe husband, Esperanza Spalding, Michelle Williams and Pharrell. Wait. Where was Sally Kirkland? The Oscars aren't the same without Sally Kirkland running around the red carpet wearing a rug from Pier 1 as a dress. So that's why the Oscars sucked. It didn't have its good luck charm.
What more could a Tommy Girl want? Tommy's got a French man face nuzzling up against him and his eyes are sending tingles down to his Scientolohole, because he has fallen in love with that Oscar statue. If you put your ear to Tommy's head as he stared at Oscar, you would hear Color Me Badd's "I Wanna Sex You Up" blasting in there. The places Tommy wants to take that gold-plated tube of fun (fart if you need a clue).
Thomas Langmann, who won that Best Picture Oscar for producing The Artist, better have kept his hands on that trophy the same way I kept my mouth over my vaporizer to get through last night's show. Because if he left Oscar by itself for a quick minute, Tommy Girl would've un-velcroed the secret "easy access" flap on the ass of his pants and made it disappear by sitting on it. Tommy's no-no would've sucked the gold right off of that thing and left Thomas with nothing but a grey shell of a trophy that smells like a bath house floor. So it's a good thing Thomas didn't let go. Actually, I take that back. Thomas should've given Tommy that Oscar, because it's wrong to deny someone of true love.
Here's more of Tommy with peen on the brain (no, seriously, that forehead looks like the imprint of a peen lying on his brain) at the Oscars and later at the Vanity Fair party with Stepford Katie. Katie looked like shit. Was she serious with those clip-on bangs and that polyester hair tail from Sally's. Who does she think she is, Ambular from Clueless? Whatever.
If you're one of the lucky ones who missed the Oscars and want a full-on recap, just pour a glass of lukewarm tap water into a paper bowl full of instant oatmeal and watch as it slowly slowly slowly cooks, because that's about as exciting as the boring mess some of us sat through last night. Everybody kept saying that last night's show was like Werther's Original night in the rec room of a Boca retirement home since it felt like a moth ball air kiss from the Academy to the olds, but saying that is an insult to memaws and papaws. The olds didn't like that shit either. Trust. The olds thought they were getting a dancing Billy Crystal, but because he's fucked with his face so much they got a dancing mummified Kim Jong-Il instead. Most of the olds probably took off their teefs and went to bed before Best Supporting Whatever was passed out.
But besides Meryl Streep's speech, there was a bright spot among the bleakness. It came when Jean Dujardin wiped the permanent smugness off of George Clooney's face by winning Best Actor. Then Jean Dujardin kept the tingles coming by face posing for his life in the press room with Meryl Streep. Jean Dujardin is damn fucking charming. He's like a skinny Gaston from Beauty and the Beast without the doucheness. Sometimes his face looks like he's starring in a toothpaste commercial from the 50s and other times it looks like he's watching two unicorn babies slide down a complete double rainbow in the distance. Jean's face is always set to magic.
Looking at him holding onto that Oscar trophy makes me think that he probably gives the most charming handjobs ever. I bet he smiles that twinkly smile the entire time and gives you an extra twitch in your crotch when he raises his eyebrow at you. Normally, I'd think that smiling while cumming is totally creepy, but it isn't when you do it with smile master Jean Dujardin. It's impossible to not feel happy inside when you're staring at a French man whose smile makes you hear cartoon birds singing and shit.
I didn't know Richard Dreyfuss had a serious case of crazy in him, but apparently he does and he used it to turn a fluffy post-Oscars interview with a local news station into a puddle of WHAT?! The reporter dude asked Richard who his favorite young actor of the moment is, and he mumbled out that he's too busy saving the country to go to movies and then he verbally brain farted about how he wants everyone in American including the Koch Brothers to re-sign the Preamble.
I love it when hos turn a boring generic interview into a "4am moment on the C train with a subway prophet," so I'm not complaining, but I do have to ask why Richard was even there if he doesn't watch movies? Was he there for the free hooch (probably) or did his partner in crazy Jeff Bridges send him there to gather more intel on the Star Whackers? Whatever the case may be, I'd rather have watched Richard do this all night than stare at Billy Crystal's canned chicken face for 4 hours.
Bitches who said that one of the original first ladies of crazy, Sean Young, can't even get arrested in Hollywood are gargling and swallowing their words this morning, because the insane bitch who paved the way for fellow crazies like Spaz de la Huerta was thrown into handcuffs after she brought the insanity on a security guard at the official Oscars after party last night.
TMZ says that after the Oscars, Sean hung around the entrance to the Governors Ball with a group of friends. Apparently, Sean didn't have a ticket to get in and was trying to crash that shit. The security guard knew that Sean was trying to be slick and slip in, so he kept telling her to try the after-party at the IHOP on Santa Monica instead. You can't keep a crazy bitch away for long and Sean kept trying to get in. The security guard finally had enough of her shameless trying and the two got into it. The security guard says that Sean slapped him in the face and that's when he busted a CITIZEN'S ARREST on his ass. Sean was taken to a police station in Hollywood where she was kept for four hours.
TMZ has a video of Sean leaving the police station at 2 in the morning and the smell of teeth dust will hit your nostrils as soon as you start watching it. Sean should go into ventriloquism, because I don't know how the words made it out of her mouth while she was doing the 4th gear coke grind with her teeth. Dr. Drew's track record remains unblemished (of success stories that is).
Sean tells TMZ that it's the Academy's lawyer's fault. Sean said that she was at the party with friends when for no reason at all, the Academy's lawyer told the security guard to arrest her ass. No, Sean's side of the story makes no sense, but Sean never makes sense and I want off of this planet as soon as Sean starts making sense. Sean Young's crazy makes Dlisted go 'round!
And before Sean was arrested for impersonating a famous person, she managed to take pictures with the likes of Sandra Bullock, the owner of Angie Jolie's right leg and a sunburnt Santa Claus on meth. Sean should've worn her homemade Catwoman costume, because then she would've gotten the respect she deserves!
JLo shouldn't even be the second-string trophy girl at the San Juan Community Theater Awards, but for some messed up reason the Oscar Meyer Awards asked her to present some shit with Cameron Diaz last night. Maybe it was a Make-A-Wish situation and the producers wanted to the charity tax right-off, because when you Google "WHY IN ALL THE FUCKS WAS SHE THERE?!," JLo's mug will be smiling back at you. But whatever, JLo wasn't asking any questions and she made sure to stretch her 15 seconds on stage by stretching her dress to the point of no return.
While dressed like a standby letter turner on a 70s Mexican game show, JLo made hos everywhere press pause on their Tivos to see if she was flashing an inch of the nipple plate that Skeletor used to snort lines of crushed baby bones off of. JLo's stylist says that it was just an optical nippleusion and there was no nip slip situation. Whatever, at least staring at JLo's peek-a-nip distracted me from listening to her talk or looking at Cameron Diaz's face. I mean, Cameron Diaz's FACE and HAIR! That's what eating Diddy's ass on a full-time basis does to you. If Cameron meant to look like a Florida teenage boy whose hair and face got fried in a meth lab explosion, then a slow clap for her.
And back to JLo's nip (I hope to never type those words again), since last night's theme was obviously fame-hongray body parts, why didn't Jean Dujardin's peen tip poke out the piss slit in his pants while he was accepting his award. All we got was JLo's maybe nip and Angie's skeleton leg. Where was Jean Dujardin's peen tip when we needed it most?!