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While promoting his role as Jennifer Aniston's full-time piece on Ellen, Justin "I Don't Talk About My Relationship!!!!!" Theroux sort of talked about Maddox's nemesis when he said she can't get enough of his sweet, sweet breakdancing moves. Justin's girlfriend, who we might know since her face is on the cover of InTouch Weekly ever got dayum week, watched him breakdance in Zoolander and now she asks him to do it all the time. Justin said that he can't get down without his special breakdancing shoes, and that's when Ellen magically pulled them out of her ass for him to slip on and dance for us. I don't think I've ever seen a manorexic bat breakdance before, but if I did, it would probably look a lot like what I just watched.

Okay, I'm a Brooklyn gay so some of my jeans are so damn tight that I need a shoe horn and a prayer to get into them, but Justin has me beat. Either Justin has a permanent case of blue balls from those jeggings suffocating them or he has the freshest balls ever since they're always vacuum packed. Those are the kind of jeans that need a zipper on the front and back. I could maybe wear those jeans as a shrug, but using them a chopstick cozy would be a more realistic.

Here's Justin at Jennifer Aniston's Hollywood Walk of Fame ceremony today wearing pretty much the exact same hipster pallbearer outfit he wore on Ellen. I don't know if he's wearing the same jeggings, but I wouldn't doubt it since that shit is impossible for him to get out of. After the ceremony, Jennifer, her daddy, Adam Sandler, Malin Akerman and a team of world champion tug-o-warers pulled those jeans off of him.

The portrait of real love is CoCo's honey-glazed titty balls spilling out of her quinceanera dress at hers and Ice-T's 10th anniversary ball - Crunk + Disorderly

If world-renowned artist James Franco put a frame around that forehead zit and auctioned it off at Sotheby's, it would beat records and shit - Lainey Gossip

Karrueche Tran is such a caring girlfriend for letting Chris Brown fuck and whoop on other tricks - The Superficial

Brandi Glanville is living the dream - Celebitchy

But why does this naked ass pregnant model have chopstick antennas sticking out of her hat? - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

Jessie J's dress looks like something Austin Scarlett would make if there was a hemoglobin challenge on Project Runway - Hollywood Tuna

What in the hell kind of GD gay marriage photo shoot doesn't include at least 100 hi-res shots of honeymoon butt sex? - Towleroad

HA@Evan Rachel Wood thinking she's Duckie - The Berry

HA@Nicki Minaj thinking she's a Marilyn Monroe Avatar - ICYDK

The wailing girl who got Nicole Scherminger fired is a Nickelodeon star now - Just Jared

Speaking of Scherminger, she was at the BRIT Awards for some reason - Celebslam

I am much more interested in what's going on between that chick in the white bikini and her dog in the background - Popsugar

Methinks Rose McGowan's cheeks and chesticles come from the same laboratory - Popoholic

Surprise, surprise, QuickTrim is about as useless as its spokeswhores - I'm Not Obsessed

Oh, here's just a dude having an intimate moment with Jean Dujardin's right ass cheek - OMG Blog

They'll play this clip again on 48 Hours Mystery when the pug goes missing. You can't trust a dog-massaging pussy - The Daily What

Kevin Bacon's crib looks like a house used for corporate retreats - Cityrag

Crazy is the story about Mr. Kruger from Seinfeld shooting himself in the head and then calling 911 when he didn't die. - Hollywood Rag

Here's kidnapping victim turned America's sweetheart Elizabeth Smart on the day she married her piece of a year Matthew Gilmour in Hawaii. Elizabeth Smart already got a free shade pass (good for one year) from me when she created an ice cold shield over her face that deflected Nancy Grace's concern troll bitchiness. Elizabeth Smart gets another free shade pass (good for one year) from me for this cover of People, because it's obvious that her wedding photographer was Glamour Shots! The only thing keeping this cover from being everything is a faux roman column in the back and a hot pink boa. I really hope People printed this issue on pearlized paper. It's the only way.

If that Sheriff is having a face orgasm from staring at Lindsay Lohan's freckled ass dumplings, then we all know that in the state of California exists a Sheriff who spends his off-duty hours watching granny porn while fucking a bag of prunes. The Belle of the California Justice System returned to her home away from the Chateau Marmont with White Oprah this morning for her second to last probation hearing.

As expected, Judge Stephanie sprinkled lines of crushed up gold stars in front of LiLo for doing what she's supposed to do including completing her community service and showing up to her therapy sessions. LiLo just has to finish up 14 hours of morgue duty and 5 therapy sessions before her last hearing on March 29th and then she'll be a FREEEEEE crackie.

Judge Stephanie must be a special kind of vampire who can glamour cokey zombies into doing what she wants, because it's a miracle that after all these years of spitting at the taint of the justice system, LiLo is no longer speeding down the Fuck Up Highway. Since Judge Stephanie has LiLo well trained (for now), can she please order her to stop bleaching her weave until it's the color of stomach bile? Peroxide should take a restraining order out against LiLo, because nobody's hair color should be the exact shade of dick funk. And on a positive note, I do like LiLo's mint dress. It's very "call girl on an early episode of Miami Vice."

Because Jennifer Love Hewitt is a shy, private and demure person, she celebrated her 33rd birthday yesterday at the long-running headquarters for fame eaters that is The Ivy. THE IVY: Where THIRSTAY hos can quench their thirst on $30 lemonade and camera flashes.

JLove, who is seriously the prototype for every desperate sadling on The Bachelor, screamed for the paparazzi to scratch her attention spot by flashing all kinds of signs that read shit like "Happy Birthday 2 Me," "Watch The Client List In April," and "Bye Pappos." You know, I shade JLove often for taking desperate to whole new desperate levels, but these pictures are kind of refreshing. Because usually if JLove's holding a sign, it reads: I NEED A MAN!!!!!!!!

It feels unnatural posting pictures of The Ivy without The Ivy's forever Poison Ivy Queen in them, so I was moved to do this:

And now I can exhale.

Adam Levine and his creature of elegance girlfriend Anne V were both on Howard Stern yesterday morning and in between talking about whether or not Snookitina is chunkalicious, he educated the children on his fool-proof birth control method. Adam obviously gets his birth control method tips from drunk frat boys, high school douchebags and coked-up investment bankers, because he says that the secret to not knocking a ho up is pulling out before the jizz hits the ovary. YES, the tried and true pull-out method. The same method that is the reason why most of us are here now! THIS BITCH:

“This is the longest, most functional relationship I’ve ever been in, I don’t want to screw it up. [I use] a fool-proof birth-control system, [the pull-out method].”

Adam has a tattoo of an eagle spitting out a happy trail on his torso, but I still don't think bitch is this stupid. Dude was just telling jokes. Adam doesn't only use the pull-out method. This is Adam's true dumb-proof birth control method: Milliseconds after Adam drops a dollop of jizz in Anne's V, he pulls out, gets on his knees and softly whisper into her coochie, "Make way for Adam Levine's fetus fishes..." Anne's ovaries shut in half and hide behind her uterus until the coast is clear. They're not trying to procreate with Adam Levine.

And before your brain spits out images of Adam making a cum pool in Anne's belly button, he says that he usually jizzes in towels. It's easy cleanup and if he's in a hotel, he just leaves it on the floor for the housekeeper to clean up. Nasty cotton fucker! Why do I have a feeling that on an upcoming episode of My Strange Addiction, we're going to learn all about Ryan Seacrest's addiction to eating hotel towels.

via The Frisky

The last time President Obama serenaded the people, I took a Magic Eraser to that memory, because I didn't want to accidentally bring it up while talking to my mom. Almost every time Obama's name comes up, my mom gets fluttery in the voice and I can tell she's about to go through some changes. That is my cue to pick up and go. It's like whenever I'm at her house and Anderson Cooper pops up on the TV, she jumps off of her La-Z-Boy and the next thing I hear is her bedroom door shutting, locking and the sound of Julio Iglesias' greatest hits blasting from her stereo. It's like that. My mom did bring up Sinatra Obama's last singing performance and our conversation went something like this:

Mom: Did you see Obama singing the other night?

Me: Um...um... Yish, but Anderson Cooper's on my TV right now!

Mom: *click*

So I'm not exactly amused with President Obama for picking up the mic at the White House's all-star blues concert last night and singing out a few lines of "Sweet Home Chicago" with BB King and Mick Jagger. Obama is just fucking with me now. If Obama gets re-elected and keeps singing out, it's going to be a long four years of awkward moments and phone hang-ups. Obama's new motto should be: Yes, I Can Make You Reach For The Brain Clorox As I Make Your Momma Go Through Some Changes.

Lower tier actress - you know her name - is desperate for a big(ger) break. When she heard The Director was working on a new blockbuster, she begged and begged for a meeting. And he repeatedly kept dicking her around, cancelling at the last minute, making her wait for a couple of hours before sending the assistant out to tell her he wasn’t showing. I mean, he’s a legendary misogynist. And there’s nothing he likes more than playing mind games with young actresses.

Though he has no intention of putting her in his movies, he’s having a great time fucking up her head. So he sent word that he might agree to see her but only if she loses some weight. This girl was fit to begin with. Like really fit. So she’s starving herself to let go of an extra 10, even though there’s not much there to begin with. But it’s not like it would help. Again, he’s just doing this because he can, for shits and giggles, because he’s a twisted fuck. As he explained to a colleague, “That girl is regular person pretty, and not even really regular person pretty. Definitely not hot enough for one of my movies.” And it’s like he’s almost insulted that she thought she was. Which is why this game, this game is just his way of putting her in her place, of punishing her for actually thinking she’d be good enough, sexy enough, to be his new model muse. He justifies it by saying he’s giving her a “life lesson”. Oh, and “if she offers me a blowjob, I’ll take it. One of these days, maybe I’ll throw her a favour”. Sad part is...she’s coming close to it. She’s coming very close. (Lainey Gossip)

Michael Bay (of pigs) and Ashley Greene? Ashley Greene needs to do her research, because everyone knows that Michael Bay is the real life Chad from In The Company of Men. Every young actress and Victoria's Secret model checks under her bed every night, because there's a good chance Michael Bay is under there with a bikini in one hand and a sponge for her to wash his Ferrari with in the other.

Michael Bay is a tall drink of douche and any young actress who auditions for him should know that he's either going to make them buff his rims or rim him in the buff.

It turns out that Hollywood is not the only place you need beards. Sports also has a need for beards. What happens when you combine the two? You get an NFL player who wants to meet gay actors so "dates" a B list actress. Hey, she has done it before for a reality star. (CDAN)

I'm getting a later start than usual this morning, because while researching this blind item like any serious journalist would, I Googled "gay NFL" and it took me on a journey that can only be described as visual lube. My fap material file is all filled up now. Anyway, my guess for this is pocket beard Hayden Pantyairs, Scotty McKnight and Stephen Colletti? That Scotty McKnight dude never made my gaydar pucker until I started looking pictures of him. In almost every picture, Scotty makes the same OMGSOEXCITEDTOSEENEWPEEN face I make whenever Corbin Fisher adds a new porn piece.

Which B/C list singer/musician who writes her own songs, recently came to the conclusion that because she has never really experienced a healthy relationship with a man, she might actually be gay? She’s always had really close women friends who she bonds well with, but her relationships with men always seem to go south and she’s never really felt she’s been in love before. She’s decided to explore this new part of herself and we’ll see if any new relationships pop up in the news. (BuzzFoto)

Sheryl Crow? Kelly Clarkson?

Faces of meth - Muppets edition. - brassy

Runners-up:

After ten years on the job Camron The Cum Sock decided it was time to take a bath. - Whamo

Although it doesn't giggle or squirm, the new Infect Me Elmo has reached a niche market. - Chilly

via The Telegraph (Thanks Lulu)

Put a nail on the vacant space above your toilet, because here's the perfect HIGH ART masterpiece that will make you heave and tingle at the same time. Unicorn Booty posted this stunning portrait created by an unknown computer artist genius of Rick Santorum's face made entirely of gay porn. It's a Rick Santporno! Rick Santorum's mug makes a lot of people yack, but if you get closer to this gorgeous portrait you'll have the sudden urge to fap.

Man nalgas and peens really bring out the beauty in Rick's face. Oh Rick, you really make all of us swoon when you've got dirt stars in your eyes. For the slightly NSFW full ass version, click here or here.

(For Angelique)