What reality judge on a very hit show was so hammered when she came to a taping of her show that there was literal panic about whether or not they could sober her up enough to participate in the taping or going to have her be "sick." (CDAN)
If this blind item was a drink, it would be a cocktail glass with only a single ice cube and a tiny bit of vomit in it and its rim would be permanently stained with oil-based red paint, so that means it's Drunktina! Xtina better hold on to her job on The Voice the same way she holds onto her glass of vodka whenever the bar back comes around collecting glasses. How many jobs can you show up to when you're all kinds of tanked? Oh, what am I saying? Your ass probably showed up to work this morning drunk to the fuck times ten.
Maybe orgy is the wrong word to describe what happened on the making of this movie, but there was certainly lots of rampant sex going on. It all started with an A list movie actress at the time who was starring in a franchise and wanted to keep her glory. She hated doing this movie, but she was committed so decided to make the best of it. For her, this meant having as much sex and doing as many drugs as possible while making the movie. Every co-star was fair game and when one actor thought he was the one she found special, he would be replaced and a new one brought in. She was the goddess of the movie and acted like it. She was a way larger star than any other actor on the film, primarily because she was charging so much to be in it that there was no budget for anyone else.
Besides having sex with the actors on the set, she also brought in an old co-star who was still hanging on to his A list acting fame at the time. An Academy Award winner he dropped by the set and the next thing you know, the pair were in his hotel room and not her trailer. He was with his now wife at the time, but he had wanted the goddess when they had last made a movie together and she had turned him down. This time he was having her, marriage be damned.
Oh, there was the B list movie actress with the alliteration for a name who stopped by one day and they reunited after a few years apart. This actress has played in some very steamy roles of her own.
There was one actor, now a B- list who claimed he had never had sex with a woman before. Men yes, but not women so our goddess had to have him. She did. Now he is married to a B list actress. (CDAN)
I've read this blind item at least 30 times and I've furiously scribbled my thoughts about this on a white wall in my bedroom in between taking hits from a meth pipe, and I still don't know. This shit is hard and it should be the final question on the SATs. It could be Angie Jolie, Halle Berry, Reese Witherspoon (yeah right, not that paper bowl of unflavored oatmeal), but I'm going to go with this:
Goddess slut: Sharon Stone?
Movie that she made while fucking her way through half of the cast: Basic Instinct 2?
A-list Oscar winner: Michael Douglas?
B-list actress: Sally Struthers (I WISH!)?
B-list gay dude: Hugh Dancy?
B-list actress he's married to now: Claire Danes?
When I gaze deeply into the magical shaved ball on RPattz's neck , I see visions of Woody Harrelson in Natural Born Killers meets Susan Powter meets Herp Derp - Lainey Gossip
Somewhere in L.A., John Travolta is calling Spandy Andy to hire him to perform at the halftime show for every Scientology meeting - Towleroad
Brenda Walsh wore that outfit better - The Superficial
Something tells me that Brit Brit was just really sad that they didn't offer her a goat massage - Celebitchy
Laetitia Casta is topless. All the way topless. - (NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
Wonk brows. Wonk eyes. Wonk dress. Wonk chichis. Wonk EVERYTHING. - Hollywood Tuna
Choke her while you have the chance!!! - ICYDK
Oh, look, it's Nicki Minaj's born face - The Berry
Anne V is redefining elegance with every new Slut Dress she wears - Popoholic
St. Angie Jolie could learn a thing or FIFTY from Anne V - Popsugar
Christina Ricci looks like a glitter snap bracelet - Just Jared
I hope the new Zorro takes place in my chonies. Somebody had to say it. - Videogum
Panty Creamer of the Day! - Hollywood Rag
Gabriel Aubry is off the hook - I'm Not Obsessed
Spot the puppy - Cityrag
Robin Thicke has broken the celebrity tradition of getting busted in Texas for smoking the good shit by getting busted NYC for smoking the good shit. Robin was singeing the velvet fibers on his throat with weed smoke while sitting in his Escalade when the cops ruined his party. A source tells the NYDN that Robin wasn't in the drivers seat of the Escalade that was parked on 21st Street near 3rd Avenue when the cops saw his lips around a joint. There was another person in the car, but only Robin was arrested and charged with marijuana possession. Dr. Seaver is going to get his ass for this foolery!
A police source said that Robin was cooperative and even signed a few autographs for the cops. Robin's weed was taken by the cops before he was given a ticket and released.
Robin Thicke is a stupid bitch for openly smoking a joint outside of the city limits of Vancouver or Amsterdam, but that said, I didn't think cops in NYC cared about shit like that. Three out of four blocks in my neighborhood have the scent of weed mixed in with the usual scent of dirty dentures, trash water and piss.
It's stories like this that are the reason why it's best to get your weed on at home. You don't have to worry about cops ruining your good time and you also don't have to worry about getting judgmental glares from strangers when you're so stoned that all you can do is slowly fap yourself. I know, this city is such a fun killer. New PRUDE City is more like it.
Don't ever say that hillbillies don't get into the finer things in life like a relaxing massage, because here's a man getting his knots untwisted by the hooves of three pygmy goats. Who needs massage oil when you can use goat shit instead? It was a baaaaah-ppy ending for all. It's pretty refreshing to see a bunch of goats pound a hillbilly, because usually it's the other way...you know.
Short answer: EVERYBODY!
Long answer: Tyler Perry, Mad Mel, Aretha Franklin, Alicia Keys, Cousin Dionne (DUH), Kevin Costner, High Priestess Oprah, Stevie Wonder, Clive Davis, Bobby Brown, CeCe Winans, Marvin Winans, Ray J and Rickey Minor.
Whitney Houston's funeral is tomorrow at the same Newark, NJ church where she first yodeled in the choir and I half expect Giuliana Rancic to be on the red carpet asking mourners who they're wearing. It's turning out to be like that. Celebrity after celebrity has been invited and People will start live streaming it in the morning. Aretha Franklin, who was like a godmother to Whitney, is going to sing and Kevin Costner is expected to reenact scenes from The Bodyguard. No, but Kevin Costner is going to speak. The name that is punching me in the eyeballs until all I see are stars spelling out the letters "W-T-F" is Mel Gibson's name. According to TMZ, Mel "I Hope You Get Raped By A Pack Of..." Gibson tried to help Whitney get off the bad shit a while ago and her family has always been grateful for that.
Mel has already told the family that he can't go, which sort of sucks, because you know who else is going? Those fame whoring heathen cunt demons of The Westboro Baptist Church. Mad Mel would rage their faces right off and we'd be rid of those crazies forever. But I guess we don't need Mel for that since Cousin Dionne will be there. Cousin Dionne's got the number of every single one of those hussies.
There comes a time in every trick's life when they have to grow up and graduate from young mess to old mess. Like take me for instance. I've been trying to drink red wine instead of tequila, because a bunch of doctor types on TV say that drinking 1 bottle of red wine every night makes your heart healthy and shit. Yes, those doctors might've said to drink 1 glass of red wine, but I was too drunk on red wine to fully understand and I don't want to undernourish my heart of the red wine it needs. It's better to be drunk than sorry. (Side note: Shouldn't health insurance companies pay for your red wine? It's heart juice! Somebody should tell Dr. Oz to get on this. He's the Surgeon General, right? I know he's at least the Surgeon Lieutenant.) Besides, ordering red wine at a restaurant makes you look extra classy.
Pete Doherty is growing up with me, because he has hung up his heroin needles for good. It's not like Dreamboat has anymore veins his arms, but if he did, he wouldn't stick a syringe full of the liquid bad shit into them anymore. Dreamy is only going to smoke his heroin from now on. That right there is the sign of a TRUE adult.
Dreamy had a conversation with The Independent to promote his new art show (???) in London and he talked about almost getting fork raped in the chokey and how he will never ever kiss his veins with the lips of a needle again.
On how Kate Moss had a serious elephant fetish: "Kate used to collect elephants, so I'd buy them for her wherever I went. When we split up she destroyed all my stuff, but she didn't destroy my elephants. Because I couldn't get over her for a while I just kept buying elephants and now I've got a huge elephant collection for sale. I might post them anonymously to her as a wedding present."
On what he regrets about his relationship with Kate: "The drugs. The thing is, she knew from day one when we began our relationship that I was using very heavily. She knew that. So, you can't suddenly turn around and say, 'you've got to stop all that'. I do have regrets about Kate, but I wouldn't want to talk to you about them. I'd only talk to a highly skilled doctor with large amounts of morphine and a hypnotherapist. And a small monkey."
On how he's retired from shooting up, because he wants to turn down his crackie antics for his new girlfriend: "I've stopped injecting. The only way I see myself in a serious relationship is if I am toning it down a bit. When you're banging up all day you can't really have someone else in your life, especially if she's an English rose. I wouldn't let her touch anything, I just wouldn't."
On how some dude threatened to butt rape him with a fork in prison: "I got on OK in Pentonville [in 2006] because it was kind of my local, if you like. A lot of people wanted to get me, but more wanted to do me a favour. In Wayland last year it was lads from east rather than north London, and loads of other places. People I didn't know. I didn't have any money, I didn't have any drugs. One guy said he was going to stick a fork up my arse. I threw my telly at him because I thought that would get me put in isolation."
On how his new daughter: "The little girl was two months premature. I said I'd try to be there for the birth. You know what, I don't want to talk about that. Yeah, she's mine. We're using the baby's blood in one of the pictures." (Note: The interviewer says he thinks Dreamy was joking about that last part, but I'd be disappointed if a Pete Doherty art show didn't have at least one work of newborn blood on it.)
2012 really is putting all of us through the changes. Case in point: Dreamy is getting Kate Moss a wedding gift that isn't a crack pipe necklace and he handled that whole "fork rape" thing the way any normal person would by throwing a TV at that crazy bitch. The old Pete Doherty would've told that dude he'll fuck two forks for a crack rock, a spoon and a syringe. You're a big kid now, Dreamy!
No, this is not a picture of your neighborhood weed man who got arrested for jacking it in the romance section of a video store and who still wears the trench coat he wore during his goth days in high school. This is the dude whose face was all over the poster I ripped out of BOP Magazine and stole from a Stater Bros. grocery store when I was like 13. Yes, I was a teenage thief. I should turn myself in for that crime.
It's 46-year-old Richard Grieco at the Wanderlust premiere in Westwood last night. Yes, Russell Brand is about to file a copyright infringement lawsuit against Richard for stealing his grooming habits, but do you remember what Booker looked like not too long ago? Richard looked like the Grinch if the the Grinch stole a crackhouse.
So even though I can smell his patchouli-scented sweat from here and he's wearing the same jeans he wore in 21 Jump Street, I'd hit it until it was the 80s (2080s that is) again. I owe it to my 13-year-old thieving self.
At last night's premiere of Wanderlust at the Village Theater in Westwood, dozens of people finally had the answer to the question, "I wonder what it look like if a fugly pink prom gown from the 80s barfed all over one of Tootsie's good dresses?" when Malin Akerman showed up wearing this mess. (In my best Tim Gunn voice) This is just TOO much dress.
If Malin cut those sleeves off (they kind of look like satin intestines) with Jennifer Aniston's chin, she would've looked fine. Hell, if she cut off the dress and only wore the sleeves with those shoes, she would've looked fine too. That fugness looks even worse when Malin's standing next to Jennifer Aniston. They look like they both got really good deals at the Big Business costume sale and they're too happy about it. Here's a fashion tip: If Bette Midler and/or Lily Tomlin would've worn it in Big Business, strip it off your body and try again. Trying to top Bette and Lily is an impossible act.
When Jennifer's posing on her own, though, her dress doesn't look that awful. It not the usual little black shit she wears and it's drawing our eyes to her womb. If you stare at Jen's magic eye dress long enough, you can almost see a fetus with a widow's peak wearing an "Eff Off Maddox" onesie. So, well played, Aniston.
Here's some other hos at last night's premiere including Paul Rudd and Justin Theroux. Justin and Jennifer stayed away from each other on the red carpet, but at least she didn't make his ass wait in the car this time.
So this is the real reason why Adele had that throat surgery. Adele was moaning and throating in the deeeeeep. France's well-respected and highly esteemed literary journal of le truth, Public Magazine, published an EXLUSIF! story about a tape featuring two hundred-time Grammy winner Adele setting fire to her loins on the peen of an ex-boyfriend. 411mania says that the ex-boyfriend (maybe the one who looks Jesse Camp trying to reinvent himself as a Jimi Hendrix impersonator) wants to fuck with Adele for some reason and so he's doing so by releasing a video of him fucking on her. The scorned ex sold the tape to a French paparazzo type named Jean Claude Elfassi who will release the tape any day now. I'll be really disappointed if Jean Claude doesn't use one of these as the title for this shit:
Rolling On The Peen
Cooter Has It
Set Fire To The Taint
Someone Like You Needs To Get On This Poon
Take It All
I know, none of those worthy enough for an Adele fuck tape and I'm sure your ass can do better.
Anyway, America's own well-respected and highly esteemed internet journal of truth, Media Takeout, has a couple of stills of Adele allegedly getting adicked in front of a video camera and those tragic sperm fish eyebrows tell me that it's not her. Not only that, but would Adele really let a trick film her getting down in the backseat of a car? I know Adele is a refined lady, but I don't think she's that much of a refined lady. But if this is her, then I'm sure that around this time next year, we'll watch as she accepts five hundred more Grammys for Best Fuck Moan and Best Coochie Queef in a sex tape.
UPDATE: Thanks to Amanda for directing my eyes to a beyond NSFW (and the link will take you to pop-up city so beware) old porn where Public Magazine obviously got their stills from. The chick in the tape is American and when she moans, it doesn't sound like a mezzo soprano songbird humming into a rainbow. It's not Adele.
Kris Humphries asked for a divorce from Kim the minute he found out he could have the exact same thing and lots of it, just without all of the talking and constant need for attention. - fosho
It's hard to have a plastic fetish AND be a germaphobe at the same time. - Vern
Tom digs through inventory to find the Katie replacement part needed for her nightly reboot. - luscious_t
At Thai hotels, this is what they leave on your pillow at night. - ImpertinentVixen