Brought to you by Becks' Facebook page (via Buzzfeed), here's Posh Beckham making icicles form on the assholes of Lucifer's minions in hell by actually cracking a slight smile while doing a "ball check" pose in front of her husband's billboard in NYC. This is some historic shit since we all figured Posh's mouth was permanently flatlining into bitch mode. Posh can smile! But Posh stopped smiling after a dude parked his car in front of her, got out and tried to stick a quarter in her mouth since she's as skinny as a damn meter.
And here's a few hilariously awkward pictures of Posh, Hamish Bowles and Anna Wintour in the subway at the inaugural run of a Union Jack covered car for the GREAT Britain campaign in NYC today. It's known that Posh would give all five hundred of her kids to get on the cover of American Vogue and Anna Wintour's acting like she's not even alive. To be honest, I don't even know if Posh is alive, because damn it looks like she shares a make-up artist with The Walking Dead. I feel like I'm Haley Joel Osment and she's one of my ghost visitors. Posh is looking like a Dark Crystal puppet inspired by The Curious Case of Ali Lohan and the Mexican zombie (Zombican?) from the Black Eyed Peas. Somebody get Posh 1/1000th of a Triple Bypass Burger!
WARNING: If you're an American, this story will make you TOO proud to be an American.
Las Vegas' The Heart Attack Grill is a giant slice of KFed's idea of heaven and it's a charbroiled magical emporium of greasy gross where mega fat bitches who weigh over 350lbs eat for free and where one burger can be stuffed with almost 8,000 calories. The waitresses dress like slutty nurses and they'll roll you out to your car in a wheelchair after you've eaten more calories than an entire village in Somalia eats in a year. There's even a sign warning you that it's hazardous to your health. It's the perfect place to go when you've released all the fucks in your system to make way for 10 pounds of bacon wrapped around a block of fried cheese stuffed into an entire ground up cow. So that's Heart Attack Grill and the other day, a 40-something dude put the heart attack in Heart Attack Grill when he had one while eating there.
The unnamed man walked into the Heart Attack Grill by himself and made the artery veins around his heart cringe when he picked up a menu. Then he made those artery veins pull themselves from his heart when he ordered a Triple Bypass Burger. The man ate half of the burger when he started getting the sweats and couldn't form words. His waitress/fake nurse told the owner/fake doctor (seen above) who called 911. The EMTs arrived, threw him onto a gurney and wheeled him out of the restaurant through a crowd of tourists who thought it was a stunt and took a bunch of pictures.
The owner confirms that the man had a heart attack and says that he's recovering at the hospital. The owner also tried to keep from creaming into his scrubs over the free publicity when he told Fox5Vegas that he feels sorry for the man: "I actually felt horrible for the gentleman because the tourists were taking photos of him as if it were some type of stunt. Even with our own morbid sense of humor, we would never pull a stunt like that."
See, doesn't it feel like the American flag is warmly hugging your heart? Or maybe you're having a coronary from just thinking about shoving over 4,000 delicious calories into your eat hole at one time.
Have you seen this bitch Purity Bear before? Purity Bear is this total cock-blocking teddy bear who shows up in the heads of young people right when they're about to freak their way to sin. This bitch will ruin your fuck times faster than a case of the runs. Well, Purity Bear is back and this time she's getting into the head of a girl whose date wants to stain the backseat of his minivan if you know what he means. Purity Bear tells the girl that her chocha is basically pizza and she's the box, or something.
You know, that girl is a dumb bitch for listening to Purity Bear. There's something not right about that bear. That bear obviously has ulterior motives. Purity Bear wasn't trying to save that girl from making a mistake she'll later regret. Purity Bear was trying to get the peen for her own whore self. I bet that three seconds after virgin blondie went inside, Purity Bear sucked her man's dick so hard that his cardigan blew off his body. Purity Bear is more like Slut Bear!
And 3/3 of us know that Purity Bear is a shady whore.
Please etch Chola Betty White into my tombstone. It's my ONLY wish. - Cholafied (Thanks, MJ)
A limp, flavorless piece of broccoli is selling limp, flavorless broccoli - Lainey Gossip
Courtney Stodden's newborn portrait finally emerges - Towleroad
I think I see a 2-year-old's leg hanging out of Hilary Duff's vagina - Hollywood Tuna
Michelle Duggar's lady parts looking like Mordor isn't the sign from God that Michelle Duggar needs to stop spawning - Celebitchy
ScarJo closes the curtain on her cellulite show - The Superficial
What in Double Dragon hell is Bar Refaeli wearing? - Popoholic
Avril Lagine on FHM Australia for reasons that my mind will never understand - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
Squinty Zellweger looks like she just crawled out of a sweat lodge - Just Jared
Amanda Seyfried takes us on a journey up her nostrils on W Magazine - ICYDK
Reese Witherspoon wants to bump chins with Jennifer Aniston - Popsugar
Jessica Simpson just found the perfect labor dress - Hollywood Rag
Kim Kardashian should play Hannibal, because that would be our chance to finally shut her mouth with a half mask - Videogum
31 flavors to fap to - The Berry
Bitch, please, Brit Brit pisses two of those out daily - The Daily What
Because every female singer is singing "I Will Always Love You" this week, here's Glee's Amber Riley singing "I Will Always Love You" - OMG Blog
Adele is not going away for five years - I'm Not Obsessed
CoCo's ass looks like a beluga whale taking a nap in the fetal position - Cityrag
This deception is almost movie worthy. You have a foreign born B list actress and singer who is barely known here in the US but is A list back home and has had some very interesting boyfriends in the past. Their previous choices makes you wonder how she ended up with them. Anyway, her part of the deception was simple. She found a former A list tweener and convinced him she was in like with him. He even got to fool around with her once or twice.
On the other side of the equation is a former almost A list singer. Now you feel like the singer is not far from playing casinos and state fairs. Anyway, our singer is married to a reality star and has been for quite some time. There are kids involved. So, we have the foreign born star and the singer and they have been together for about six months. The thing is they can never go anywhere when she is in LA and have to really sneak around and use her friend's apartments even with her pretending to be the girlfriend of the former A list tweener. Now though they will have several weeks together alone while they film a new show out of the country. They are going to use this time to decide if the final cut should be made and the singer can move on with the foreign born star. (CDAN)
To recap! A foreign born singer/actress, who is A-list in her country but not really know in the US, charmed some former A-list tweener dude and is only using him for show. Meanwhile, the foreign singer/actress is humping on a different former A-list singer who is on his way to hasbeenville and has kids with his reality star wife. The foreigner singer/actress and the former A-list singer are going overseas to do a reality show together and that's when they'll figure out if they want to be together. Shit, I think I just confused myself. QUICK! Somebody hand me chalk, a chalkboard and Will Hunting's brain.
Ohfuckit, let's just call it like this:
Foreign A-list singer/actress - Delta Goodrem?
The former A-list tweener she's using - Nick Jonas?
The former A-list singer she's really fucking on - Joel Madden?
The reality star he's married to - Nicole Richie?
The show they're doing overseas - The Voice in Australia?
There, that was easy-ish.
Which Oscar-winning star is wigging out over her badly damaged and severely thinning hair? The 40-something actress has gone from her natural red locks to bleached blonde so many times that she’s almost bald! (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip)
Paging Beyonce! Paging Beyonce! Please send your wig master to Nicole Kidman's front door. Thank you.
She’s pregnant. It’s still early but she’ll start to show soon. And she’s happy, they’re both happy, but also really, really freaking out. Because around the time of conception, they were both using rather frequently. It’s just what they do together. Besides, she thought she was past the point of another child. So it was a surprise, to say the least. A pleasant one, yes, but she’s not sure if it’s one she wants to keep. She is convinced the child will not be right. She is convinced, in her mind, in her words, that she’ll “be paying for it” for the rest of her life, in the form of care and stress, and that this will be her punishment for such recklessness - to be attached to a kid that will need her, in ways she’s afraid to imagine, forever. She’s also super paranoid that if she does have their baby and the baby has health problems, he’ll turn and blame her, and be disgusted by her, and leave her. Without all his access, it’s a totally different life. And ultimately she still wants to be desired, she prioritises being desired. It’s a decision she is agonising over but she’s running out of time.
The good news? The drugs have stopped completely. (Lainey Gossip)
I want to say Rebecca Gayheart and McSteamy, but she JUST birthed one out. I've got nothing to put into the guess box.
India has the Ganges, Israel has the Jordan River and last night Sarajevo had the most sacred holy stream of all when St. Angie Jolie broke down into a fountain of raw emotions after hearing that her homewrecking protégée, Sienna Miller, has given up the game. No, Angie Jo's forehead tapeworm nearly quivered off of her face and she had a weepy moment while telling reporters at the premiere of her movie In The Land Of Nut 'N Honey that she hopes her film will be a wake-up call to the world do something major about the serious shit that's happening in Syria. Um, okay, but how can Angie's movie be a wake-up call when it looks like it's going to put bitches to sleep? No, I haven't seen it. I don't know. I'm sure if anything can stop wars it's Angie's directorial debut! And I shouldn't throw any shade since Angie is wearing a beautiful vintage dress from Jessica McClintock's funeral collection.
And do you want to do it or should I update Wikipedia with the newest sighting of a holy Weeping Statute?
Here's the newest completed high art project from Photoshop Lifetime Achievement Award winner Lil' Kim. The group of Photoshop artists who cracked their knuckles from spending days on end touching up the cover for Kim's new single should be proud that they made her face look like an inside/out plastic lion mask decorated with lead-based varnishes. Kim should be celebrated as a true original, because when was the last time you saw the Beast in Beauty's dress? Nicki Minaj can stay sitting, thankyouverymuch.
via Rap-Up (Thanks, Cory)
If the Victoria's Secret Angels are flawless and rare diamonds found at the bottom of the ocean after Gloria Stuart threw them overboard, then Kate Upton is a fake gold necklace in the briefcase boutique of a Mexican dude selling jewelry and house dresses on a beach in Tijuana. The VS Angels are special beauties and Kate Upton will turn your skin green. That's what a casting director for the Victoria's Secret fashion show basically told The New York Times (via UsWeekly) last week.
Kate Upton's Photoshopped crotch has already been seen by the eyes of millions on the cover of SI: Swimtsuit Edition, but that's not good enough for VS. The casting director, Sophia Neophitou, sharpened her shank of a tongue and then slashed this out:
“We would never use [Kate Upton for a Victoria's Secret show]. She is too obvious. She's like a Page 3 girl. She's like a footballer's wife, with the too-blond hair and that kind of face that anyone with enough money can go out and buy."
DAMN. That shit seems harsh until I tell you that Sophia walked in on Kate Upton sucking her husband off, punching her child with one hand and choking her kitten out with the other while pissing on her favorite pair of shoes.
I sort of agree that Kate Upton is what you get when you walk into a 99 Cent Store and ask for an Amber Heard, but she's harmless and I'm sure she'll do just fine without wearing a fucking Mardi Gras float on her back during a VS show.
If it's true that I inherited Miss Cleo's SLYCIC skills, then I'm sure Kate Upton will get cast in Transformers 4 (after she washes Michael Bay's Ferrari like nobody else) and make millions from her line of bikini bottoms shaped like Doritos. Then she'll date Leonardo DiCatchAHo for a minute before marrying Tiger Woods without a prenup. Ho will be fine.
And if irony loves me, it will tell me that at last night's Sports Illustrated party in NYC, Kate Upton wore a dress from the VS catalog. I mean, it does look like it.
When Sienna Miller announced that she is turning the motor off on her bull dozer vagina and is temporarily retiring from her position as everyone's favorite home wrecking hero to get married and have a baby, I didn't want to believe it. It's like if somebody told me that Pete Doherty was starting to bathe regularly with actual soap or that Prince Hot Ginge was seen buying a box of Feria for Men (in shade: black leather) for himself. THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING.
There are so many more lives that need ruining and so many more houses that need to be torn in half by Sienna's wrecking ball clit. Sienna Miller would never change teams and move on over to the dark side by becoming one of them (read: married with children), or so I thought. But she has. Anakin Homewrecker has become Darth Mommy and these pictures of her at a W Magazine party in NYC prove this. I don't think Sienna's got a gut full of wedding rings she fucked off of married man after married man. I'm pretty sure there's a baby in there.
It's as if I've seen a picture of Tommy Girl in flats or a fully covered LeAnn Rimes. This is my unicorn sighting.
Speaking of a difficult brown....
The Grammy producers sucked on Chris Brown's taint by giving him two performances when they only gave Jennifer Hudson a quick second to sing for Whitney Houston and you'd think that would be enough for him to shut his whine hole over a pile of soft dicks, but it wasn't. Last night, The Terrible Twat of Tappahannock went on a Twitter tantrum (which his bitch ass later deleted) directed at all the "haters" who think it was wrong of the Grammys to give a lady beater air time and an award. Chris told all his haters to suck on a fuck, because he's got a Grammy now. You know, because only good people win Grammies. I bet Hitler is kicking his own asshole in hell, because if he won a Grammy we'd all forgive him.
This is the river of wailing shit that Chris Brown let out last night (via Mashable):
strange how we pick and choose who to hate!Let me ask u this.Our society is full of rappers(which I listen to)who have sold drugs (poisoning)
But yet we glorify and imitate everything they do. Then right before the worlds eyes a man shows how he can make a Big mistake and
Learnt from it, but still has to deal with day to day hatred! You guys who to hate!!! But guess what???
HATE ALL U WANT BECUZ I GOT A GRAMMY. Now! That’s the ultimate FUCK OFF.
Yes, Chris is showing with these Tweets that he's completely changed and is now a charming, calm, rational individual who no longer has anger management issues.
Even if you took away the fact that Chris almost beat RiRi's face off, he would still be a chair-hurling, window-breaking, tantrum-throwing, nutless anus bag whose brain stopped developing in the womb. Chris Brown hasn't learned shit and he's still a piece of shit. I know, that's an insult to shit. The next time you take a shit, please apologize to it on my behalf.