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There's really nothing for me to add to this gripping as fuck tale of how Shakira's brother "Super Tony" bravely saved her from getting mauled to death by a seal, so I'll just let her tell you in her own words. How she can operate a keyboard after nearly getting murdered by a seal is beyond me. The woman is so..so..so...brave. From Shakira's Facebook (via People):

This afternoon I happened to see some sea lions and seals. I thought to myself how cute they were so I decided to get a bit closer than all of the other tourists and went down to a rock trying to pet them doing a baby talk while taking pictures... Suddenly, one of them jumped out of the water so fast and impetuously that it got about one foot away from me, looked me in the eye, roared in fury and tried to bite me. Everyone there screamed, including me. I was paralyzed by fear and couldn't move, I just kept eye contact with it while my brother "Super Tony" jumped over me and literally saved my life, taking me away from the beast. We both got our hands and legs scratched by the rocks while trying to protect ourselves. I believe what happened is that it confused the shiny reflection of the blackberry I was taking these pics with, with some sort of fish. It probably thought I was teasing it with food and then taking it away from it. Wow! It's funny that only half an hour before I was complaining to my guide Andrew that I never get to see wild animals up close on adventurous trips. Oh well, I can't say that anymore!! Now I'm off to see some penguins! I hope they are a bit more friendly!

Seriously, is Shakira trying to make us believe that the seal mistook her BlackBerry for a damn fish? Shakira is basically calling that seal a dumb bitch! Shakira is leaving something out, I'm sure. I bet that Shakira started to serenade that seal and since her singing voice sounds like a hurt goat in trauma, the seal tried to eat her. Because seals obviously like to eat goats. Shakira is lying and that seal's good name must be cleared. Somebody drag Shakira's hips in for an interrogation since those motherfuckers always tell the truth.

Does DJ Elegance here do retirement parties? Because my mom's retirement party is coming up and I want to make it an extra classy affair to remember - Hollywood Tuna

Nate Naylor is a douche - Lainey Gossip

And iiiiiii-eeeeeeeee-iiiiiiii want LeAnn Rimes to stop doing this - Celebitchy

How do you say "awww" in Italian? - Towleroad

In possibly related news, Chris Brown has just put in an application to move into the Playboy Mansion - The Superficial

Kate Upton actually looks human when she's not Photoshopped into an 80s porn anime character (I'm looking at you, SI) - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

I've typed Kate Upton's name way too many times today, so I might as well go for the record: Here's Kate Upton again! - Hollywood Rag

Adele plans to spend the next five years with peen, thankyouverymuch - ICYDK

Jessica Biel either has a herp sore on her hand or she doesn't want us to see her stupid engagement ring - Popoholic

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY? - Just Jared

What in Judy Jetson hell is Dakota Fanning wearing? - Popsugar

If I ever need a pimp, I want him to look exactly like Dwight - Crunk + Disorderly

Jessica Simpson totally sent this to herself today - Popsugar

And Casey Anthony totally sent this to herself today - Videogum

Taylor Swift's new video looks like a sequel to Nell - I'm Not Obsessed

A herp derp buffet - Cityrag

The scary part is that this is what I sort of looked like in the 7th grade - SOW

Does getting power fucked into a neck brace sound like a good time to you? If it does, then please call up David Cronenberg, because I'm sure he'll want to turn your sucio fantasies into a movie. Then, take advice of those crazies at PETA and get with a vegan, because only grazing on grass turns a trick into a whiplash-giving, pussy-chaffing, crotch-breaking, concussion-inflicting violent hump machine.

Oh, PETA, if you're trying to make us miss the Photoshopped titties of E-listers in your ads, then it's working.

via ONTD

Detective La Toya has hung up her magnifying glass now that she's officially gotten to the bottom of EVERYTHING and I've been waiting to see who would inherit to her deerstalker cap. Enter crazy ass bitch Nancy Grace who wants to get to the bottom of EVERYTHING, everything being Whitney Houston's death. It's looking like Whitney's Calgon nightmare happened because she overdosed, but Nancy Grace isn't buying it. During an interview with CNN the other day, Nancy said she wants to know who gave Whitney those pills and who let Whitney drown in the tub. Dun dun dun...

"I'd like to know who was around her, who, if anyone gave her drugs...and who let her slip, or pushed her, underneath that water? Apparently, no signs of force or trauma to the body. Who let Whitney Houston go under the water? They were medicating her out the yin-yang."

"Is this going to medicate me out of the ying-yang?" is what I'm going to ask the clerk at CVS when I buy my next box of Claritin, because that is a phrase that needs to be used more often.

I'm happy that Detective Nancy is searching the foggy cobblestone streets for clues into the death of Whitney Houston since somebody has to, but somebody should also investigate why Nancy Grace suddenly cares about a case that doesn't involve a missing white woman. Something in the milk ain't clean about that.

via HuffPo

The only way to follow up a post about Billy Bob Thornton looking like this is with a post about Jean Claude Van Damme looking like this. Jean Claude didn't do himself up like this on his own. JC is shooting Welcome to the Jungle in Puerto Rico and I'm guessing he's playing a basement-dwelling mama's boy who has always dreamed of enlisting in the army, but hasn't gotten around to it since sniffing dirty panties he buys off of eBay and trying to unlock all the nameplates in Halo: Reach takes up all of his time. That's the kind of douche who always has dried cum stains on the bottom of his t-shirt, because he's too lazy to take it off during fap times.

Maybe it's because I'm more dizzy in the brains than usual since the only thing I've put in my stomach today has been 3 Truvia packets, 10 cups of coffee, a banana and Raisinettes (aka The "I Hate What I've Become" Diet), but does Jean Claude look a little Brad Pittesque in the eyes to you? Bitch has that vacant stoned "Shiny! Shiny! I see shiny!" look in his eyes.

And because you're wondering, I'd still hit it. I mean, wouldn't you sit on his face just so you don't have to look at his Fu Manstache anymore? Feeling that stache with your fuck part is probably a lot more pleasant than feeling it with your eyes.

Just when I was starting to forget that once upon a gross Billy Bob Thornton and Angie Jolie poured grenadine syrup into a vial necklace to make all of us think that they are so crazy that they fucked the blood out of each other, he has to barf it up all over again. Billy Bob is at the Berlin International Film Festival promoting his new movie Jayne Mansfield's Car (???) and he talked about the screenplay he's working on with his writing partner right now. And Then We Drove is some movie about a dude who goes on a road trip, picks up a hitchhiking ho along the way, falls in love with her and then makes millions of people eye vomit their retinas off by groping on each other at movie premieres.

The producer of And Then We Drove, Alexander Rodnyansky, tells Variety that the movie was sort of inspired by Billy Bob's marriage to St. Angie. They'll start shooting all around the West Coast as soon as the script is done.

I'm all for Billy Bob doing a Kalifornia meets Fear & Loathing movie starring Jennifer Aniston as Angelina (please do this, Billy Bob), but it's obvious that his next movie should be a feature film version of Lazy Town and he should play the villain. Billy Bob's second face was born at the Botox needle just to play that role.

What did you do, Billy Bob? To your face! From the the hairy tooth under his lip to his frozen forehead to the beaver carcass on his head... I can't. Billy Bob looks like a Botoxed otter who tried to escape the zoo by dressing in disguise as John Travolta. I swear, the Glade candle on my coffee table can make more facial expressions than Billy Bob can.

Blue Ivy Carter's face twin, Ashanti, has to take what she can get, so when she sees a discarded, extra-long mattress on a darkened street, she has to get on top of it and pose, pose, pose! I get it. But what I do not get is the race car track over her chocha, the 5 o'clock shadow on her pits (I say whack it or let it grow wild), the eyelashes that look like a mini version of Mickey's fan weave in B*A*P*S, the braid band and everything else. Bitch looks like if Cherry from Punky Brewster traveled into the apocalyptic future to work at a Nascar-themed strip club. I should not look at you and have the sudden urge to run a Micro Machine over your crotch. Ashatni needs to ASTOPni!

Mark February 12, 2012 as the day our Earth God, Oprah, actually begged us mere mortals to return the favor we owe her for giving us OPRAH!

As obviously none of you know since nobody is watching that shit, Oprah's cable network OWN is still on the air, but it could be letting out its final breath any day now. To put things into perspective, if OWN was an anus, it would be an anus belonging to me. Because only one or two people want to get near it and after they do they regret spending time with it in the first place. It's like the Trinity Network if the Trinity Network was run by OPRAH! I've watched OWN a few times, but shit ain't for me. It's too preachy, too serious and it wants me to learn a life lesson from it. Fuck that. The only lessons I want to learn from TV are how to complain about the wall color when I'm buying a house (House Hunters), how to react like a crazy fool when the taxidermist unveils my stuffed dog to me (American Stuffers) and how to pick the perfect outfit to wear before a drunken girl fight so that the censors have to blur out my exposed asshole (Bad Girls Club).

Anyway, OWN isn't doing too well in the ratings and so Oprah is starting to get desperate. A quick minute after the Grammys started on Sunday night, Oprah asked her nine million followers on Twitter to switch their shit to OWN:

“Every 1 who can please turn to OWN especially if u have a Nielsen box.”

Some of her followers dared to speak out of place and told her she was being unethical and corrupt. Those followers have since been wished into an endless field of TVs that play nothing but reruns of the Iyanla show.

Deadline says that Oprah's begging blew up in her face, because it's against Nielsen laws to openly ask a Nielsen family to watch a specific show or network. In this week's ratings, Nielsen will add a note to all of OWN's shows stating that Oprah tried to cheat and shit.

I would've watched OWN on Sunday night IF I had a Brigitte Nielsen box, but I don't and I'm a little disappointed by this. OPRAH is OPRAH. You'd think that after she desperately begged for viewers, she then would've Tweeted: "Everybody, look under your La-Z-Boy right now. YOU GET A NIELSEN BOX! AND YOU GET A NIELSEN BOX!" Oprah's omni powers are slipping.

And I would feel for Oprah, but the truth is, she brought this upon herself by bringing this:

....upon us. Karma, etc...

Hours before Sports Illustrated was supposed to show off the cover of their annual For Horny Teen Boys Who Don't Have Private Internet Access issue on The Late Show last night, a gas station in Michigan leaked it after the magazine arrived early. A GAS STATION IN MICHIGAN! Sports Illustrated should've moved the unveiling to that gas station in Michigan, because that would've been a more fitting place to bring out this 80s cartoon mess of a cover. Kate Upton is only 19-years-old and I'm sure she's perfect in real life, but they sort of fucked her up. I'm sure before the cover shoot, the conversation between the editors went something like this:

"We need to shoot her from below so that her tits looks like two Junior Mints melting over the side of a picnic table. Then catch a pirate hamster, rip off his eye patch and throw it on Kate's crotch. Don't worry if it makes her crotch look like two jelly snakes fighting under a Spandex blanket. We're going to Photoshop her down low bits until she's got Barbie crotch. Oh, and don't bring our high-powered fan. We don't need it. We're going to give Kate a sideways Flock of Seagulls 'do with four cans of hairspray and a tease brush."

A MESS!

But like I said above, it's still an important day for horny teens whose parents won't let them be alone with the computer. It's kind of like the equivalent of what the JCPenney catalog meant to me as a young ho. Whenever that shit was dropped off at our porch (it didn't fit in the mail box, wink wink), I'd grab it, tear out the "underwear for men" section and basically stitch the pages to the back side of my chonies.

Yesterday, the whole of the Internet got a boner after Matt Bomer said in so many words that us gay sluts actually have a chance with him (that's how I took it) and today the Matt Bomer of Australia (basically), Sharon from Kath & Kim, said on national television that she's full gayelle. Magda Szubanski, seen on the right as her Kath & Kim character and seen on the left as herself, has come out in the name of marriage equality. The chunk of lard jelly in my chest hasn't felt this much love for Magda since she refused to have the character she created be used in the pile of rotten spunk that was the Americanized Kath & Kim. Let's never speak of that shit show again, foxy morons.

This was what Magda said today on Ten's The Project (click here to see the video):

"It's not like I was running around hiding it, but there's a difference between living life openly and living life absolutely publicly. How do you communicate to someone what it feels like to be on the receiving end of prejudice? I was so nerve-wracked yesterday, I demolish a whole packet of Tim Tams.

I am absolutely not straight. I do not identify myself as bisexual either. I identify myself as gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay. If there's a tablet you could take to cure it, I wouldn't take it.

I love my work ... You almost feel like you have to choose. I know you are going to ask me if it would have been hard (to be gay and an actor), but it's only recently that things have changed. It's only in the last four years things like civil unions have been granted."

I was going to spend my Valentine's Day night by going into random restaurants to find the most in love couple in the place. Then I was going to push at one them before telling him that he left a case of herpes on my ass when we fucked last week. But instead, I'm going to eat a Russell Stover's (the chocolate, not a piece I met on Grindr) while watching my first season DVD of Kath & Kim. Happy Sharon Comes Out Day!