Tilda Swinton, ROBBED! Uggie the Dog, ROBBED! Michael Fassbender's big dick, ROBBED! Almodovar, ROBBED! Emma Stone's thirsty, busted, five cent curly fries wig from The Help, ROBBED! The diarrhea pie from The Help, ROBBED! The Help for Best Movie That Should've Been On The Hallmark Channel Instead, ROBBED! That satin scorpion jacket Ryan Gosling wore all through Drive, ROBBED! The guy behind me who snored all through Tree of Life for Most Appropriate Soundtrack, ROBBED! The ROBBED list goes on and on and on....
Jennifer Lawrence, who I'm pretty sure was asleep during the whole thing, and some token old white dude presented the Oscar nominations this morning and most of them were to be expected (Streep, Clooney, Pitt, Williams, The Artist for pretty much everything) but there were a few HUHS? and surprises like Jonah Hill, Nick Nolte, Melissa McCarthy, The Help for Best Movie and Extremely Loud and Incredibly Oscar Baity for Best Movie. If Extremely Loud wins, the only person they need to thank is Marky Mark, because if he was on one of those 9/11 plans, their movie would've never existed!
AnytheyareallgoingtohellfornotnominatingTilda, the full nomination list is after the jump and even though there's a lot of gold-plated fuckery here, I love that the Oscar dude showed Madge and Elton John who the real bitch queen is by shutting both of them out. JUMP!
DO NOT use a black light to inspect your bed linens in a Tokyo hotel room. - zachhcaz
There was more cocaine in Kesha's recording studio than originally thought. - BaconSlut
Nineteen kids and counting, Jim Bob Duggar is still haunted by all the sperm he simply flushed away. - Datura
The non-weepers at Kim Jong Il's funeral were NOT sent to work camps. They were, however, dipped in seasoned flour and deep fried. - turnelbup
via Poorly Dressed
Blow, Springfield, Missouri's premiere beauty and nightmare emporium where Stone Cold Steve Austin's first cousin (who obviously was exposed to perm fumes early on in life) twice removed glamours you up and then takes you down to the salon's basement where he, a woman with a raccoon nest on her head and a fourth-tier Levi Johnston impersonator have a ménage à noooo in front of your eyes. It's like Shampoo meets Hostel, and now I know why they call it Blow. Because you're going to need a lot to handle Ty Barnes' yesiroofiedyouface. And yes, I like my threesomes nightmare-style, so I'd hit it. All of it.
Ernest Borgnine (95)
Jade Ewen (24)
Mischa Barton (26)
Nicole Lenz (32)
Tatyana Ali (33)
Kyle Brandt (33)
Ed Helms (38)
Matthew Lillard (42)
Mary Lou Retton (44)
Natassja Kinski (51)
Yakov Smirnoff (61)
Gennifer Flowers (62)
Neil Diamond (71)
Aaron Neville (71)
Jerry Maren of The Wizard of Oz (93)
The good gay news today is that soon gays and gayelles will be able to have the rained out, flying fish wedding of their dreams at the Seattle Fish Market, because Washington is inches away from legalizing gay marriage finally. The other gay news that I'm not sure how to wrap the lobes of my brain around is that Cynthia Nixon told The New York Times that she made the choice to slurp on lady clit and fall in love with a woman.
"I gave a speech recently, an empowerment speech to a gay audience, and it included the line ‘I’ve been straight and I’ve been gay, and gay is better.’ And they tried to get me to change it, because they said it implies that homosexuality can be a choice. And for me, it is a choice. I understand that for many people it’s not, but for me it’s a choice, and you don’t get to define my gayness for me. A certain section of our community is very concerned that it not be seen as a choice, because if it’s a choice, then we could opt out. I say it doesn’t matter if we flew here or we swam here, it matters that we are here and we are one group and let us stop trying to make a litmus test for who is considered gay and who is not.
Why can’t it be a choice? Why is that any less legitimate? It seems we’re just ceding this point to bigots who are demanding it, and I don’t think that they should define the terms of the debate. I also feel like people think I was walking around in a cloud and didn’t realize I was gay, which I find really offensive. I find it offensive to me, but I also find it offensive to all the men I’ve been out with."
At first, I took her words to mean that she chose to eat pussy the same way a gay person chooses to ignore their gayness by getting with someone from the opposite sex to please society. But that didn't really make sense, so I backed up out of that thought and then figured that she's trying to say who cares if it is a choice. That seemed sort of right, but then the light hit me after I asked myself, "Michael, if the most beautiful lesbian in the world Rojo Caliente asked you to drop the dick out of your mouth and come to the ginger side, would you go?" The answer is a full body FUCK YES! I'd drop that dick (but I'd come back for it afterward), grab my burn cream and prepare my tongue for some chili-crusted red snapper. So what I think Cynthia is TRYING to say is that she's a Rojosexual.
If one of the Nelson twins became a post-op transsexual and stuffed her chest with dinosaur eggs, this is what the band would look like today and I'd be their biggest fan forever and always - Hollywood Tuna
Angie Jo is back to wearing black and I'm pretty sure Brad Pitt got a flea dip so all is well in the world again - Lainey Gossip
By the looks of that outfit, the only thing Justin Bieber is going to star in is Ernest Goes To Lederhosen Hell - The Superficial
More evidence that RiRi continues to make wonderful life choices - Celebitchy
You might see this as pictures from AVN, but Courtney Stodden sees this as pictures of her future wardrobe - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
This was J.J. Abrams original idea for Lost, but he knew it would be too horrifying for the public to watch - Popoholic
Blind Item Solved: Kristin Calawhatever is with child - ICYDK
Is Cameron Diaz moisturizing her face with the cooking grease my abuelita keeps in a jar under the sink? - Hollywood Rag
Gay marriage needs to be made legal in Australia so two of my favorite Australians, Sharon from Kath & Kim and Gran from Angry Boys, can get married - Towleroad
Before the love died... - The Berry
BREAKING: Shiloh got a haircut - Popsugar
Allan Hawco's ass, come and get it - (NSFWish) OMG Blog
Zac Efron gets his butch on at Home Depot - Just Jared
I think I've made Tom Brady's new mansion with Legos before - Cityrag
Eurika for MVP! - Videogum
Presenting the Gold Digger Anthem of 2012 - Crunk + Disorderly
Tracy Morgan was down and out in Park City over the weekend - I'm Not Obsessed
The video of Suri's birth finally surfaces - The Daily What
A good wig, a strong breast cream that will keep her underchichi areas from chafing and a furrier who specializes in Muppet pelts are just some of the things that are important to Aretha Franklin, but she made it clear in a statement today that nothing is more important to her than the sanctity of marriage which is why she's decided to press pause on making William "Catfish" Wickerson her third husband:
"Will and I have decided we were moving a little too fast, and there were a number of things that had not been thought through thoroughly. There will be no wedding at this time. We will not comment on it any further because of the very personal and sensitive nature of it. We appreciate all of the many well wishes from friends."
So either: a) Catfish wasn't about to sign a prenup; or b) Catfish and Aretha didn't want to lose the quick sinful rush they feel from having premarital titty sex.
I already know that there's no way I can sneeze with my eyes open and I'm not about to try, but after watching this clip I now know that I can cringe with my entire face while my eyes stay wide open to watch a girl shove an entire tissue finger up her damn nostril. Do not try this at home unless you really want the devil to show himself through your face.
The Mona Lisa has had a good run as the First Lady of High Art, but the time has come for her to slide off of the wall, because a worthy replacement has emerged in Desperate Scousewives star and my personal deity Layla Flaherty. You can't tell me that you wouldn't wait 2 hours in a line outside of the Louvre to see the stunning portrait above behind bulletproof glass:
It's meant to be, right? It's like the Mona Lisa is only meant to be a preview for the true work of beautiful art that is to come. I'll add your name to the "Layla Flaherty To Replace The Mona Lisa" petition I'm going to send the Louvre.
In just a couple of weeks, Layla Flaherty has made me a believer of whatever she's preaching by carrying herself with dignity, grace and class. Take the other night for instance. Most whores would spend their night getting so fucked up on the sweet nectar that they'd suck off anything, make an ass out of themselves in the middle of a Subway and eventually pass the hell out on a street barrier before getting carried to their car (like all of us!). But not Layla. Layla spent her night cleansing that dirty, slutty city with her vat of holy water mouth. Layla baptized the head of a lip gloss peen! Layla baptized the wrapper around a foot long (I bet that foot long was so pissed it was wearing a paper condom)! Layla baptized a Sprite bottle! Layla baptized the glass door of a Subway that probably has already been baptized by the piss splatters of a hobo! Layla baptized a dress bow! And after all that baptizing, Layla grew so exhausted from all her charitable deeds that she passed out and had to be carried back to her church by one of her disciples.
If this isn't proof that Layla is the second
cumming coming, then I don't know what is.
If Jennifer Aniston had a baby for every time the tabloids said she was having a baby, she'd have more babies than Cabbage Patch Groom Dolls (read: a lot of fucking babies) and a child army to rival all child armies. If the tabloids aren't saying she's got a crying fetus in her womb, they're saying that she's crying in the fetal position inside of Beanie Baby Mountain (aka her safe place), because she got dumped again. But for the past few weeks, Star Magazine, The Enquirer and some others have been saying that Jennifer's dog is breathing a sigh of relief, because now that she's knocked up it no longer has to wear a bonnet while she tucks it into its crib at night. The Daily Mail is now co-signing all of that and their source is telling them that Jennifer is taking a break from barfing out romantic comedy after romantic comedy to be a mother:
"She wants to focus on herself and hopefully becoming a mother. She is thinking of launching her own fashion line which would allow her to spend more time at home."
But the fun haters at Gossip Cop asked Jen's publicist about this and he said her uterus still has a vacancy sign on it and she's not taking a break anytime soon.
Who to believe? On one hand, the tabloids have been nailing me in the head with their "The Last Sign of The Apocalypse: Jennifer Aniston is Having Twins" headlines so hard that I'm starting to believe it. But on the other hand, if Jennifer Aniston was pregnant, she'd put on a bikini bottom made from her latest sonogram scan, stick two positive pregnancy tests over her nipples and then run in front of her arch rival Maddox during one of his staged photo-ops.
We really shouldn't believe that Aniston is knocked up until we see Maddox with a defeated look on his face and a mourning outfit on his body. FYI: In the Brangelina world, a mourning outfit is anything that's not black.