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7-year-old Rita Lawlor was given an award by The Sarasota County Fire Department for slapping the life back into her mother with a slice of pizza. Just when I was about to get my baby making part snipped so that I can never drunkenly go down to the sperm baby to donate my shit for quick weed money, I see something like this. If I passed out right now, my dog would eat the pizza AND my face. Children (when teamed up with pizza) save lives!

via Buzzfeed

Since promising the paparazzi yet another set of 10 million pictures of her frolicking around on the beach in a bikini doesn't seal the deal anymore, Vanessa Hudgens promised them a little something more like a totally natural and not-at-all staged OHMYGAH MY TITS ARE FALLING OUT OF MY TOP LIKE I PRACTICED ALL DAY OHMYEFRON STOP STOP NO I'M JOKING KEEP GOING OHMYGAH WILL A LITTLE NIP SLIP GET ME MORE MONEY OHMYGAH I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING TO ME OHMYGAH moment in Hawaii yesterday.

I haven't seen anything this pathetic and desperate since, well, since about 10 minutes ago when I caught myself in the mirror uploading a fake Craigslist "casual encounters" ad so strangers will respond to it with their hot dick pics. Well, nobody responds to my real ad so what I'm supposed to do? Go dick picture-less?

If Lindsay Lohan isn't pushing ridiculous lawsuits out of her lawyer's ass, her lawyer's ass is taking ridiculous lawsuits filed against her. Remember during Lindsay Lohan's crackier days when she nearly sent a sunglasses-wearing child to Jesus when clipped the kid's stroller wheel with her Maserati? (Click here if you want to dip back into the fuckery to relive the coked-up memories.) The kid's soul was scarred, because she stared into the eyes of a meth-faced ghost, but other than that she rolled away without any injures. But the nanny pushing the kid is now saying that she got injured and she wants some cash from LiLo.

Nubia Del Carmen Preza (which I'm pretty sure is the same name as one of the queens on the new season of RuPaul's Drag Race) filed a lawsuit in L.A. yesterday claiming that she got messed up physically during the September 2010 accident (or was it?). Radar says that Nubia Del Carmen Preza is also suing the car company who let LiLo use their Maserati.

At the time, LiLo denied clipping the stroller, but she'll also deny she's a coke whore to your face while she's got an 8-ball up her nostril and a drug dealer's peen up her poon (or vice versa, depending on her mood). Nubia never filed a report with the police department and this lawsuit is the first time anyone has ever heard about her so-called injuries.

It's obvious that Nubia is straight scamming a trick and she's estúpida for doing so. Nubia is a Latina who isn't famous. LiLo is a white celebwhore who has proven time and time again that the justice system is her personal bitch. Six seconds after they stroll into court, LiLo will be pardoned for EVERYTHING and Nubia will be sentenced to 3 years in a mythical place we've never heard of called an "overcrowded-proof jail."

On ESPN's Dan Le Batard is Highly Questionable (via THR) the other day, Pat Sajak told Dan Le Batard (pronounced: luh butt tard) a secret and it wasn't that his current hairpiece is made of Vanna White's old bangs or that he was the prototype for the Teddy Ruxpin doll. Pat told Mr. Luh Butt Tard that back in the 80s he and Vanna would drown their insides with a margarita typhoon between shows and then stumble back to the set not knowing their vowels from their consonants. So basically, nothing has changed!

"Vanna and I would go across and have two or three or six and then come and do the last shows and have trouble recognizing the alphabet. They're really good tapes to get a hold of. I had a great time. I have no idea if the shows were any good, but no one said anything, so I guess I did OK. I would be hesitant to have anything to drink now."

And after the show, the drunk hot flashes would overtake Vanna and Pat's bodies, so they'd rip off their clothes, she'd sprawl out on the wheel, he'd spin it and then poke her with his peen every time she came around. When Vanna had enough, she'd put the bankrupt wedge over her chocha. But seriously, Vanna keeps giving me reasons to hate her. I already hate her for the following reasons:

1. Vanna gets to drape herself in ensembles that are the epitome of GLAMOUR. (Exhibit: A)
2. Vanna has a luscious mane of ash blond hair that takes hairspray like no other.
3. Vanna starred in NBC's greatest achievement, The Goddess of Love.
4. Vanna's job is so easy that a fat, lazy fart-brained chihuahua can do it. No, seriously, I have a fat, lazy, fart-brained chihuahua and even he can touch an iPad when it glows.
5. Vanna's face is on yarn.

The list goes on and on, but now "getting fucked up on the job" is now at the top of that list. Although, I shouldn't really hate her for that one since I'm typing this while wondering if my diet will allow me to switch the wheat bread on my sandwich for beer.

And here's one of the clips Pat was talking about:

I should be impressed by his chugging skills, but I'm more impressed that the pussy wig on his head stays on even when he tilts back.

You might think that you're looking at a simple picture of Tommy Girl spending some quality time with Blue Ivy's arch rival Suri Cruise at Disneyland in Anaheim, but some serious business is going down here. This isn't fun-having. This is training. When Xenu finally beams himself down to earth and queefs out a billion thetans that will plug up our plumbing pipes, preventing our men from having "cleansing" time with their "bros" in the steam sauna, spinning space pods will land to take us to the promise planet. So Tommy isn't having fun, he's preparing himself for the spinning pod. That's why every time you stick out your finger and tell him to sit and spin, he shrugs and does it.

If you were ever doubting that celebwhores get special treatment, slap yourself and then come back to these pictures. Like that midget bitch Tommy is really tall enough to ride that ride. Every Disney employee turned their head when Suri gave Tommy a lift so the top of his hair touched that line.

Also, I'm pretty sure Suri is a Juggalette now. She'll take her barley water with a shot of Faygo.

Also also, now I know why the boys in the sauna call him Tea Party Tom. By day, he's the tea bag in a teacup and by night he's tea bagging at tea parties.

Prepare yourself to know what it feels like to never trust anything that comes out of Brad Pitt's mouth again (because I know that up until this point you hugged every word that came out of Brad Pitt's mouth with warm arms of trust). Brad Pitt has regularly declared before the gay gods (aka a sculpture of Rojo Caliente riding a Liberace unicorn centaur down a flannel rainbow) that he will never slip a wedding band on Angie Jo's bony finger until everybody in the U.S. can get married. Well, the bitch is a teller of lies.

As you and your same-sex partner wait at City Hall until it's legal for you to file a marriage certificate, the asshole who vowed to stand with you until the end will whisk on by with his zombie vampira skeleton bride and cut in front of the line. RIGHT IN YOUR BETRAYED FACE. Because Brad tells The Hollywood Reporter that he's probably going to break his promise by becoming Angie's third husband:

"We’d actually like to, and it seems to mean more and more to our kids. We made this declaration some time ago that we weren’t going to do it till everyone can. But I don’t think we’ll be able to hold out. It means so much to my kids, and they ask a lot. And it means something to me, too, to make that kind of commitment.

I’m not going to go any further. But to be in love with someone and be raising a family with someone and want to make that commitment and not be able to is ludicrous, just ludicrous.”

I'm going to force myself to not get hypnotized by the fact that Brad's goatee looks like an upright grandpa stache and an upside-down grandpa stache holding hands over a soul patch, because there's more important matters at hand (not really). Brad has just proven that he cares about keeping his commitments as much as he cares about finding a shampoo for extra oily hair. (Seriously, Brad, it's not hard. Just ask someone at Sally's Beauty.) If Brad rips the notary stamp off the promise he made to gays and gayelles, how can Angie Jo trust that he won't rip the notary stamp off the marital bowels (Oh, Freud, I love it when you trip me) he makes to her? Oh, wait.

The Fairy Bride Shake Weight was a big seller in Uzbekistan. - clutching-at-straws

Runners-up:

Mexican prisoners have been known to smuggle cell phones in their rectum, while American prisoners are well know for smuggling coke, and now it has been discovered that latvian prisoners have begun smuggling their guardian angels. - stolidog

If everyone had just left Michael Phelps alone he would have stuck with pot...now he's dancing with the absinthe fairy - corinacorina

.....And nine months later, Khloe was born. - skabazzle

via PIU

Like something out of The Mangina Monologues, Ken Dahl, the blossom that sprouted up when Missy Elliot dropped her seed on one of Funheart Bear's ovaries, gives you a reason to be thankful that they don't make Rosetta Stone for your pussy. Because if your pussy could talk, it would either recite Forrest Gump's "Why don't you love me, Jenny?" speech to every man who comes to visit (Jennifer Love Hewitt's pussy, I'm talking about you) or it would recite Audrey II's "FEEEEEED ME, SEYMOUR!!!!" speech to every man who comes to visit (Parasite Hilton's pussy, I'm talking about you). So be thankful that you've all got the Helen Keller of pussies.

via Crunk + Disorderly

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TMZ says that Demi Moore did have a seizure on Monday night, but it wasn't from downing a cocktail of coke, benzos and most of her liquor cabinet like most of us figured. They say that Demi and an Arizona junior high schooler who just got into Blur have a lot in common, because she was inhaling nitrous from a can when she slipped into a semi-coma. Yes, bitch was doing whip-its. I wish I meant that she was sucking fumes out of a Whippet's ass, but no. If Demi ever ran out of nitrous, she'd be walking on sunshine over to OfficeMax to get some computer duster like Allison's ass.

The source says that Demi was clouding her pain by inhaling whip-its and she ended up having a sort of seizure on the floor before she fell into a half coma. Even Lindsay Lohan is looking at Demi and thinking, "Broke trash!" You know, everybody's always screaming about how Demi is trying to hold on to youth by marrying a toddler, partying with her daughters and taking MySpace-like bikini pictures in her bathroom, but I shrugged all that off until now. Partying with your daughters is one thing, but drugging like a 14-year-old suburban kid is another. Grow up, Demi, and do coke off toilet seats like the rest of us adults do!

Hopefully, Demi gets the help that she needs, because going to the hospital for a whip-it overdose is not the way a 49-year-old should go through life. I can just picture Demi with Vicks under her nose and Limp Bizkit blasting out of her speakers. How dreadful. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get the sound of Devo out my head by sucking on a whip-it for old time's sake.