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Where there's a Ryan Gosling covering his face with a Famous Monsters Magazine, there's a Joyce DeWitt look-alike who's trying to strap herself to his carry-on so he has no choice but to take her on a sky ride of love.

So yeah, Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes are still nibbling on each other's wet parts and suddenly they're all coy about it. Ryan and Eva spent their New Year's in NYC together, and when they showed up at JFK and arrived at LAX yesterday, they both had their faces covered like my one-night tricks when they leave my apartment in broad daylight. (Or like my family members preparing themselves for the rancid scent of invisible butt smoke when I reached for a fourth piece of pistachio cake at Christmas Day lunch.)

Either these whores have a spray of herp sores on their mouths or they're turning on the STUNT QUEEN moves for the holidays. Eva Mendes is really acting like the camera flashes down give her life and like she didn't e-mail all the paps her exact itinerary. Bitch, give George Costanza his hat back and get over yourself.

Although...if I was walking around with some dude wearing a trucker hat and the year wasn't 2003, I'd probably cover my mug out of embarrassment too.

For some of your asses, it's your first day back in cubicle purgatory after a long weekend of lying gut down on your sofa while sucking down a post-Christmas daiquiri (ingredients: leftover Christmas candy of all kinds, the cheap wine your cheap uncle brought to dinner and the perfume from The Dollar Tree that your cheap uncle's wife gave you as a gift) through a straw, so maybe these pictures of some Iglesias nipples will help to soothe your third hangover of 2012. If you're thinking to yourself, "But Michael, I like my Iglesias nipples well-aged and seasoned. Dáme Julio!", then I just have to say, "MOM! Put down your iPad and let's never subliminally speak about Iglesias nipples again."

Whenever I think of Enrique, I think of that beautiful brown face dingle that a possum gnawed off a few years ago after he spread a little queso on it. I still miss that succulent face nipple. I hope he kept it. Actually, since Enrique always goes on about his hamster peen, I hope he attached that mole to the end of his toddler dick to give him more girth. Enrique is mole-ed for Anna Kournikova's pleasure.

If Rebecca Black turned to huffing White Rain hairspray out of a paper sack to deal with the pain of Samoa canceling an entire Friday, lost her entire Friday fortune and then moved to Pittsburgh to reinvent herself as a muffing-pounding white girl rapper using the skills she learned at Ke$ha's Academy of Frontin' Ass Basic Rhymes, then she would be just like Shira!

With a budget that could buy half-a-dozen stale muffins at the Hostess Outlet and a wardrobe fit for a special needs dance team doing a Pussycat Dolls song, Shira's new video is a work of muffin pounding art.

Never mind that Shira's muffin is probably made of bran, powdered milk and old walnuts, since when is a CUPCAKE a MUFFIN? But I shouldn't be so damn hard on Shira, because she just got her muffin pounded, bruised and busted in a car crash:

@ShiraMissMuffin SHIRA
car accident, 2 broken bones, sprained neck with brace... and car is dead and gone...... bed bound

Well, Shira, I guess that's what happens when you accept rides from a dude who looks like he lives in the woods, is on every government list, eats squirrel brains and snorts wet leaves.

(For Crystal)

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If a bitch ain't getting engaged (see: Retha and LeBron James), then a bitch is getting married. The dried piece of tortured horse meat that is the sanctity of marriage was kicked in its core this past weekend when that slut pig Brandi AnalGlanville married one of her douche hole friends for a day (and for fucking shits), but it also got a sprinkling of glitter on it when human unicorn horn Johnny Weir married his Russian lawyer boyfriend Victor Voronov. Somewhere, there's a foot massager with a broken heart.

Johnny Twatted this out about his new marriage:

I'm married! @vitya_zvesda ♥

@Jillzarin Wedding in summer! But all the official stuff is done now! No more livin' in sin!

That summer wedding is on its knees and begging to be filmed for a reality show and I'm on my knees right next to it. Johnny's wedding is going to be a decadent display of rhinestone-encrusted EXTRAVAGANZAAAAA! Haven't you always dreamed of seeing a groom wearing a tuxedo made entirely of gold leaf? Johnny will make that dream come true. Haven't you always dreamed of watching flower girls dressed in swan costumes make figure eights around the two grooms standing under an altar covered in fur flowers? Johnny will make that dream come true. Haven't you always dreamed of seeing two grooms exchange vows in Russian as an almost naked harpist plays the theme song to Doctor Zhivago? Johnny will make that dream come true.

Johnny and Victor are totally going to get married at this palace of pure elegance:

They mayke yo dreemz come thru! And you can trust them, because they lifted their hands all grand-like when they said it.

And no, Johnny's dog is not eating your soul with its radioactive eyes. Johnny is so magical that whenever he touches a creature, its eyes turn into glowing mood rings.

All of you need to do what Aretha Franklin's 8th world wonder chichis are doing in that picture above by hitting the ground to pay tribute to her and Catfish's love. After years and years of nearly drowning in her endless sea of chichis by motorboating without an anchor, Aretha's "forever friend" William "Catfish" Wilkerson has finally slipped a ring on her skinny ass finger and asked to become her third husband. People has the details from the lips of Retha and her rep about the wedding of the year:

The iconic singer, 69, and Wilkerson are discussing tying the knot on Miami Beach, with an exclusive reception aboard a private yacht.

And for her dress?

"Ms. Franklin is considering Donna Karan, Valentino and the queen of wedding dresses, Vera Wang, to design her gown," says her rep.

Adds Franklin herself of the upcoming nuptials: "We're looking at June or July for our date and no, I'm not pregnant, LOL!"

Last year, millions of nipple slits made a frown when Aretha Franklin was hospitalized with some kind of "mysterious illness," so I'm going to turn off my bitch switch for a quick second and throw out a calorie-free congratulations to the soon to be Mrs. Catfish! Wait. That's why Retha's marrying his ass. Since she has to stay away from fried catfish to keep her new body, she figures if you can't beat 'em, take their name. Go on, Mrs. Catfish!

Just like a freeze dried In-N-Out Double Double, I don't travel well (Airplane riding is hard! #firstworldproblems) so my ass is every degree of jet lagged and my brain is more fucked than usual today, but this clip from Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin's New Year's Eve show has taken my soul in its arms and rocked me raw. There is finally a good reason for why Kathy Griffin is always struttin' around with her disappearing belly button out. Kathy brought the PG-rated ho shit out on New Year's Eve by stripping down to her best Maidenform bra, which caused Mah Boo to ejaculate out a steady stream of giggles. It's like Mah Boo has never seen a ginger in her bra before! It's like Mah Boo is really trying to act like he doesn't remember that time I streaked by his firehouse with my heart crossed in lace and a Tina Louise wig on my head. But whatever brings a giggle out of Mah Boo is good by me. Because when Mah Boo giggles, a no-no puckers for the very first time. And speaking of puckering...

I'd like to thank my spirit animals Lahoma, Sweetas and J. Harvey for spreading foolery all over Dlisted while I was DRANKING my way through Italy with my family. If it wasn't for them, I wouldn't have been able to learn the valuable lessons of Italy. Like did you know the Italians put a special ingredient in their pasta that covers your liver with a protective coating and allows you to swallow whole bottles of wine at one time without your internal organs running out of your asshole for dear life? An Italian doctor told me this. Or maybe it was an Italian waiter. Same thing.

And another thanks to J. Harvey for putting the extra fancy word "cuntafasse" into my dictionary and to Sweetas making me feel better about my completely unhealthy obsession with Mah Boo by making Charlize Theron reach for a restraining order form. Sweetas and J. Harvey did Dlisted good and they did it with less grammatical errors than me. Although, a blind, illiterate kindergarten drop out has better grammar skills than me, so I guess that's not saying much.

I was shoved by an NYPD cop on New Year's, too! He shoved my face out of the seat of his cop pants. I like cops.

Veteran actress Ellen Barkin claims she was "shoved" by a police officer on New Year's Eve. In the video below, you see Ellen cursing out officers about what she felt was an unnecessary arrest of Occupy Wall Street protesters. Wait, isn't Ellen Barkin the 1%? Look at her, defying her status in life and coming to the aid of the other percentage! In her defense, she DID play one of the best trailer park mommas going. She's done the research, and knows the life. Holy shit, I want a loop of that movie playing on my gravestone.

 Anyway, Ellen unleashed hell on her Twitter feed about the incident. Here's some heated Twats:

"Just threatened on my street by NYPD, cop shoved me, both hands, onto sidewalk..Is it a crime 2 stand in the street in NY? WTF is going on here?"

"I was trying 2 make my way 2 young girl they had thrown in2 the van.She was not a protester. Was not drunk. She was walking home"

“F--k all of u, Bloomberg & every1 goosestepping behind u”

When you made 40 mil from your divorce, you can tell the mayor of NYC to fuck off.

Ellen's director boyfriend Sam Levinson shot the video. So, uh, most straight guys I know would be up their with their lady trying to either A) pull her stupid ass off the street so the cops don't arrest her or B) backing her ass up because it's their girl. This guy ran behind a car and started taping. It's like the 21st century equivalent of putting your coat over a mud puddle so a lady can walk across!

The Post reports that, in the video, the cop says "Sidewalk, Miss" and Ellen retorts "Get your motherfucking hands off me". Cougar was wrought! If you Zapruder this shit, it doesn't look like a shove, exactly. It looks like mildly irritated cop wanted mouthy actress out of the street and was kinda guiding(?) her. He did turn her around. Fucked if I know, this was the mildest shit I saw that night. NYE in NYC is CRAZED. At one point, me and the mister were in the thick of the shit, unable to move, and a small Latina woman accused me of "rubbing up against her". Honey, unless you grew a dick, you're not my type. She actually screamed "I don't know why you touchin' me!" BECAUSE WE'RE A MILLION PEOPLE IN A VERY ENCLOSED SPACE! SOMEONE'S ARM IS UP MY ASS AND YOU DON'T SEE ME COMPLAINING! I like fisting, too.

Oh, and I'm off to Manhunt Daily once again. This was a fucking BLAST. I was honored as hell to cover for my blogging deity Michael K., and to work alongside talented bitches like the hilarious blogging angel Sweetas and Lahoma. I'm not sure what gender Lahoma is but I sort of hope it's like a cunty AI that Michael programs to cover "Hot Slut". Like Siri's bitch sister! You guys in the comments are rad. Yeah, some of you hated my ass and compared me to AIDS (I think I actually read that) but I did see some of you write some nice shit about me. You pierced my numb shell and ignited  a spark of gratitude in my heart, kids. Thank you.

Jerome Watkins (as played by Duane Davis) - The kid that spent 6 weeks in the bathroom in the movie Summer School! Remember this shit? Mark Harmon is assigned to teach a bunch of misfits for the summer, and on Day #1 Jerome gets up to go to the bathroom. He doesn't show up again until finals at the end of the summer and he ends up getting the highest score. Moral of the movie - shitting makes you smarter! Happy New Year - this year, ditch your job and say you were in the bathroom for 6 weeks!

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