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Beyonce and Jay-Z bought an entire wing of the sixth floor of Lenox Hill Hospital for $1.3 million, because self-entitlement runs through their veins, and because they didn't want anybody seeing their South American surrogate being shuttled in getting a picture of their precious Baby Blue Ivy. Their headset-wearing bodyguards trolled the entire floor and stopped any ordinary peon from entering the golden wing of eternal light including a father who just wanted to see his premature twin girls. Neil Coulon tells The New York Daily News that he tried to see his sick girls in the neonatal intensive care unit on the sixth floor, but Jay-Z's goons blocked his way and banished him from the entire floor.

“Three times they stopped me from entering or exiting the NICU (Neo-natal Intensive Care Unit) and it happened once on Friday — just because they wanted to use the hallway. They should have been more strategic about it Tches are children with problems in intensive care and you're just going to take over the hospital like you own it? All I want is an apology.

I know they spent $1.3 million and I'm just a contractor from Bed-Stuy, but the treatment we received was not okay. My wife is just terribly upset. She had a C-section. She gave birth to twins. She is sore. Nobody needs this. This is the NICU. Nobody cares if you’re a celebrity. Nobody is star-gazing. They just want to see their children.

To have that circus roll into town and ruin our parade was unpleasant."

A rep for Lenox Hill said that she's trying to hear Mr. Coulon's complaint, but it's hard to hear him over the sound of a machine counting all the cash that Jay-Z and Beyonce gave them. I'm sure Mr. Coulon will soon receive a postcard from Lenox Hill that reads: Jay-Z and Beyonce gave us money-loving whores $1.3 million, your argument is invalid.

Mr. Coulon had it kind of easy, though. I heard that on Saturday night, every world leader ordered a cease labor on all contracting coochies, because Beyonce refused for her special golden child to be born at the same time as a bunch of regulars!

Click play before proceeding, because this kind of foolery needs a theme song and this is just the theme song for it:

When Beyonce's gold-plated House of Dereoyster slipped out the second coming on a bed of blessed weaves Saturday night, I just knew it was only a matter of time before the Illuminati theories started dropping on the Internet and the Internet hasn't let me down. Beyonce and Jay-Z's daughter's name Blue Ivy (which still sounds like the name of a European porn star or a Los Angeles-area new American bistro with a C rating on its door) probably represents their weird obsession with the number 4. Ivy after IV and Blue after Jay-Z's The Blueprint Project, which he's done 3 of, so Blue Ivy would be his fourth. Yeah, the way they hump on the number 4 is weird, but they're beyond rich and sometimes that kind of money turns a ho into a bona fide crazy.

But the best theory as to why Beyonce and Jay-Z named the golden child Blue Ivy came from Twitter, of course. On Sunday morning, the topic #illuminatisveryoungest started trending after some disciples of fuckery claimed that Eulb Yvi (Blue Ivy backwards) is the name of Lucifer's daughter. Gather brings us this gift wrapped in a ribbon of HAHAHAHAHAs:

It seems that people believe the name "Ivy" stands for "Illuminati's Very Youngest." Why people think this, it's not clear. Maybe because daddy Jay-Z is rumored to be a part of the Illuminati. It's highly unlikely, however, that the ultra-secretive group would allow a newborn to join their ranks. Especially since the Illuminati is said to be a men's only club.

A Twitter user said the following : Rai Mitha (@Rai968): IVY =Illuminati's Very Youngest. Eulb Yvi (her name backwards) is Lucifer's daughter's name in Latin

So basically, if you take Blue Ivy and turn it backwards you get Eulb Yvi, which just so happens to be Lucifer's daughter's name in Latin. Now, that's a weird combination. So, Beyoncé's daughter is not only the Illuminati's Very Youngest, she's also the daughter of Satan? Does that make Jay-Z the devil incarnated?

Eulb Yvi?! That sounds like the name of the illness I'm currently suffering from that's making my b-hole hack up phlegm. I would say that some bitches need less Twitter in their lives, but I don't mean that, because we need more hot-blooded puddles of mess like this. So they're basically trying to say that Beyonce's Baby is the new Rosemary's Baby. I swear, Beyonce is so damn shameless. She's stealing from move plots now! But I still need to see the scene where Beyonce's wig spooks right off of her head when she stares into her House of Dereon stroller and sees a demon child (who has a face like this).

But seriously, after doing some research, I found out that in Latin the name Eulb Yvi actually means JACKSHIT NOTHING! It means nothing. Besides, the real name of Lucifer's daughter is Sirk Rennej.

And while doing research, I also learned that the latin phrase K Leahcim means dim slore in English.

Lady CaCa is hiding out in a giant empty pickle jar full of Valtrex powder, OxyClean and Debby Downer this morning to keep the terrifying Chilean rape monster that is Snooki from forcibly smooshing pickle sludge into her. That South Park episode wasn't just leaded fuel for your night terrors, it was a piece from the real-life future! The waxed Chilean wombat jumped on her Twatter yesterday and spit this fear-inducing nugget out:

The charred pieces of brain meat in Snooki's head are powered by dirty jacuzzi water, rotten fake tan grease and boiled pickle juice, so of course she's going to say shit like this, but that doesn't mean it was necessary or right. The visuals alone! If the visuals in my head were scratch 'n sniff, they would smell like a whole lot of NO (which strangely enough, smells like her own brand of skank water).

On a positive note, it still amazes me to see how far science has come. I mean, scientists actually taught a brain-deficient chimp to Tweet on its own. Don't let anybody tell you that pickles don't work as positive reinforcements.

And here's one of Lady CaCa's greatest fears getting The Big Doucher constellation tattooed on her shoulder in Hollywood the other night.

The world's first 100% effective birth control has been approved by the FDA. - BaconSlut

Runners-up:

From the nifty shoe designers who brought you the "fuck-me" pumps, here's the "foot-in-your-ass if you're into that" pumps. - Das ist ein Dreck

The phrase "crocodile tears" finally makes sense... - GingeMinge

Chaz Bono's 'A Peen For Everybody Foundation' launches *Pink rubber Boot Day* Wear a clitty pink boot if you love someone who's had a urethral penoplasty. - Sandbitch

via Poorly Dressed

The firefighters and life savers from Heartland Fire & Rescue who kept Mojo the chihuahua from floating off to the great big hump toy in the sky after smoke from a fire nearly took his tiny adorable body. I know that perfectly placed concrete crack is inspiring you to make a chihuahua fartquake joke, but temporarily ignore that urge to read about the harrowing tale of a team of firefighters fight to keep Mojo from yapping at the Grim Reaper.

When a fire started to eat at a mobile home in El Cajon, CA, the owner was able to run to safety, but their chihuahua Mojo wasn't so lucky. Mojo passed the hell out and was just about to begin his strut toward the doggy door on Heaven's Gates. But insta Hot Slut Travis Timmins and other firefighters found Mojo, brought him outside and gave him oxygen for 10 long, finger-biting minutes. A crowd gathered around and they didn't know whether to punch their ears from the tension of the anticipation or to overdose on the awwwws from watching a bunch of hot fireman put a tiny oxygen mask over Mojo's tiny face. The latter pretty much happened when Mojo came back to the living and was SAVED by those hot fire fighters. Sadly, the mobile home is completely destroyed, but happily, Mojo is expected to make a full recover and will be biting at ankles for many years to come.

And if I should ever black out due to listening to a Ke$ha song without protection (aka condoms stuffed in my ear holes), then please use this picture to bring me out of the dark. It's like a visual defibrillator blast to the soul.

via The L.A. Times

Duchess Catherine (30)
Nina Dobrev (23)
Paolo Nutini (25)
A.J. McLean (34)
Chad Ochocinco (34)
Maggie Rizer (34)
Angela Bettis (39)
Lara Fabian (42)
Joey Lauren Adams (44)
Dave Matthews (45)
Haddaway (47)
Joely Richardson (47)
Imelda Staunton (56)
J.K. Simmons (57)
Crystal Gayle (61)
Jimmy Page (68)
Joan Baez (71)
Brian Friel (83)
Judith Krantz (84)

After Shit Girls Say, Shit Gay Guys Say, Shit Black Girls Say, Shit White Girls Say To Black Girls and Shit Cats Say, here's the one my soul has really been waiting for since the beginning this shit started: Shit Latinas Say! But you know, this should really be called Shit Nuyoricans Say, because besides the "pedo like..." line, none of the Latinas I know say shit like this. Where's the line about crunchy curls, or chile salt with watermelon or reciting the lyrics of a Stevie B song or any of that? This is like Really Ugly Betty meets Precious (Preciosa?). This mess is strictly New York.

And with that, I think everyone is out of shit to say. Unless, Shit Mah Boo Says While Completely Naked comes out, we're all done shitting!

Also, a quick technical note: Your ass can reply to comments now and all conversations will be condensed into one thread. The year is 2012, but Dlisted hast just stepped into 2008. YAAASSS!

via Best Week Ever

Wearing a chiffon bag in a lovely shade of dried cat barf (I think the exact color is Pantone #49uncool), St. Angie Jolie escorted Brad Pitt to the Palm Springs International Film Festival and tried not to let out a trickle of saintly laughs when he told People the reason why he's hobbling around with a pimp cane. Maddox has the awful job of slathering Icy Hot on Pepaw Pitt's screwed up knee and it's all because:

"I was carrying my daughter [Vivienne] down the hill and I slipped. It was either her or me."

You would think that Vivienne would be able to heel the torn ligament in her dad's knee by pressing her tiny palm against it while blowing out a few healing saliva bubbles, but her powers are not that strong I guess. Because Brad has to walk around with a cane for a little while.

Ho, please! Fell down a hill? We all know what really happened. Angie shanked him in the knee with her elbow bone and then slapped him in the nuts with her forehead vein after she read that Jennifer Aniston shit. That's what really happened and I'm sure the bible of truth that is Star Magazine will spread the real facts on their cover this week.

The fell down a hill crap is as believable as Brad saying that he slipped in the shower. Like that bitch takes showers. That being said, Maddox should still get Brad a Life Alert just in case.

The new chosen one has stepped onto the planet and knocked the halos right off of Brangelina's twin messiahs, and yet Jessica Simpson's baby is still baking in a puddle of trans fat in her womb. Beyonce barely had a dollop of anything on her stomach at her 9th month and it really looked like she was growing her baby in her damn wig, and then you've got Jessica who is giving us a whole of DAMN at 7 months. My eyes swole up just by looking at her. I bet Jessica doesn't even walk. Bitch stands really still and lets out a high-powered pregnancy fart that pushes her a few feet. Then she takes a deep breath, stands really still and lets out another high-powered pregnancy fart that pushes her another few feet. Bitch's got a motor in her ass.

Jessica came out big on Friday night for NBC's TCA Party where she was there to whore out her new fashion reality show with Nicole Richie. Jessica told reporters that you won't find her waddling around A Pea in a Pod, because she stays away from maternity clothes, "I buy bigger sizes, which is very important, but I haven't really gone to maternity clothes because I don't really love maternity stuff."

Who needs maternity clothes, anyway? It's easier just to lay out a black tarp, spray Jessica down with fried chicken grease and then roll her over that tarp with the help of a thousand villagers and the tree trunk of a mighty oak. Then they wrap her up, lift her up with a crane, throw a few pounds of sequins at her BOOM! Instant knocked up glamour! But seriously, Jessica really does look happy, which is more than I can say for the owners of every Korean all-you-can eat barbecue in the L.A. area who had to close up for 9 months after hearing that Jessica swallowing tin trays for two now.

Awwgasm alert! Sometimes getting the Hot Slut stamp is as simple as being a baby deer and licking the fleas off of a kitten on a bed of guinea pig bedding in a kiddie pool with the tag still on it. This is one of those times.

(For Joan)