Farm fresh foolery thickened the air at NBC's Winter Press Tour in L.A. last night when the hos from The Voice came out looking like eight degrees of MESS.
We've got Xtina whose titties could use a pep talk and a shot of Prozac, because they look like they're slowly sliding down into a deep depression. Sad chichis are sad. Then we've got Cee-Lo whose goatee makes him look like the evil fat midget baby of a T-Rex and Genghis Khan. Then there's Adam Levine and his piece who look like they should be playing a game of patty cake with their flap jackets. And finally, there's Blake Shelton and
Slappy the Dummy Carson Daly making my gay gene shrivel down into the shape of a shrieking vulva by hugging on each other like that.
A MESS! Which button do I press to turn my chair the other way?
Kristy McNichol, known to you 70s hos as Buddy from Family, or us 90s hos as Barbara from Empty Nest, or you 2000s hos as "Mom, who is this bitch Kristy McNichosomething?", is proudly waving her Home Depot and flannel flag. Kristy retired from the acting game in the 90s, but is stepping back into the slightly dim spotlight to tell that the world that she's a big lez. For those of you who are still on the floor from hearing about Clay Gayken, this shocking and surprising news will probably keep you there. I'll bring you a blanket and a mayo sandwich later. In the meantime, this is what Kristy's publicist told People about her decision to publicly come out at the age of 49.
McNichol, 49, who has lived with her partner Martie Allen, also 49, for the past two decades, decided to make a statement about her sexuality and share this photo because she is "approaching 50" and wants to "be open about who I am."
She "is very sad about kids being bullied," her publicist Jeff Ballard tells PEOPLE. "She hopes that coming out can help kids who need support. She would like to help others who feel different."
Done with acting, McNichol spends her time focusing on tennis, yoga, travel and raising her beloved miniature dachshunds. "She is very happy and healthy," says Ballard. "And she enjoys living a very private life."
YAY for this! The world definitely needs more proud lesbians telling People magazine that they are proud lesbians, and I definitely need to get on a successful sitcom like right now. Then I can retire from sitcom acting in like 10 years and spend my 40s and on focusing on tennis, yoga, travel and raising beloved miniature dachshunds. And now that People has caught up with Kristy McNichols, can they please do a cover story and 15-page spread on the whereabouts of Park Overall!
The former Prime Minister of Australia Bob Hawke - What I know about the 23rd Prime Minister of Australia couldn't even fill up the tip of an XXS condom. If you asked me about Bob Hawke 24 hours ago, my brain would spit out a puff of nothing (instead of spitting out a puff of crap air like it normally does). I don't know if he ran Australia into the ground or if he brought it into the golden age by planting the silicone-covered peroxide seed that later grew into the country's official flower: Brynne Gordon. I don't know. But what I do know about Bob Hawke is that if I'm ever sitting next to him at a bar, I better grip my beer with two hands and my mouth or he'll make that shit go BYE! in 11 seconds (which is how long it took him to down a 2.5 pint when he broke the record in 1955). Now THAT'S how you become the leader of a country!
(Thanks to everybody who sent this in)
Nicolas Cage (48)
Liam Aiken (22)
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Dustin Diamond (35)
Tift Merritt (37)
John Rich (38)
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Doug E. Doug (42)
Rex Lee (43)
Kathy Valentine (53)
Donna Rice (54)
Katie Couric (55)
David Caruso (56)
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