David O. Russell, noted asshole (click here and here for evidence) and director of The Fighter was being investigated by the Broward County Sheriff's after his 19-year-old transgendered niece told police that he molested her chichis in the gym of a Florida hotel during a workout on December 30th. If this story was a cup of alphabet soup, it would only have the letters W, T and F floating in it, because this shit is just fucked up.
TMZ says that David's niece told police that they were doing ab crunches together (???) when he stopped to ask her about her transition and that led to talk about how hormones are making her tits grow. The niece claims that during their talk David slipped his hands under her top to touch her bare breasts. So there's David, molesting his transgendered niece right next to the ab crunch machine in the middle of a damn gym. If it makes you feel less gross, David and his niece aren't related by blood. It didn't take a layer of gross off? Yeah, me neither.
The niece reported the titty grab three days after it happened. She told the cops that it made her feel uncomfortable, but she never told him to stop. When the cops asked David about it, he said that she gave him permission, because she wanted to know if one of her tits was bigger than the other. David also said that his niece is the one who made him pinky swear to not tell anyone about it. At this point in the police interview, David probably should've ate his fist and shut the hell up, but he kept talking:
In the police report, one of the investigators notes, "Russell stated [his niece] is always causing drama since the transgender transformation and has become very provocative and seductive."
That shit actually came out of his talk hole. Lily Tomlin, please feed this asshole your boot. David should've just told police, "It's Florida!" That would've been a better excuse.
And when you're a 52-year-old grown man and a 19-year-old asks you to PINKY SWEAR to not tell anyone about you grabbing her nipples in a hotel gym, just perform a citizen's arrest on yourself and go directly to jail. Because something illegal definitely went down.
A little while ago, a rep for the Broward County Sheriff's office said that they are not filing charges against David and the case is closed:
"We are pleased that the authorities have looked into this matter and have confirmed that the investigation has been concluded and the case has been closed."
They probably checked the law books and found out that in Florida a pinky swear is considered a legally binding agreement and so none of their testimonies could be used in court. Damn.
The Internet assembled into one big Detective La Toya last October when a Texas-based Asian American actress threw a $1 million lawsuit at IMDB for exposing her real age of 40 instead of posting her Hollywood age of 30-something. The female question mark of Asian descent wanted IMDB to pay for fucking with her money, because she claimed in her lawsuit that Hollywood discriminates against 40-something unknown actresses. The guesses were everyone from Catherine Zeta-Jones (a valid guess) to Bai Ling to the entire cast of The Joy Luck Club. The good thing that came out of this is that it made me watch The Joy Luck Club again and I bonded with my dog by reciting the line "You make-ah me happeh" into his eyes on a daily basis.
Anyway, IMDB asked a judge to dismiss the case if the actress didn't reveal her identity. The Hollywood Reporter reports that the judge has sided with IMDB and the anonymous actress has dramatically stepped out of the dark and revealed that she's the one and only:
According to those bitches who did her wrong, IMDB, Junie Hoang was born Huong Hoang in Saigon, Vietnam on June 16, 1971. Junie's illustrious credits include 12 Corazones, My Big Phat Hip Hop Family, The Bong Connection, Operation Repo, Gingerbread Man 3: Saturday Night Cleaver and an episode of I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant as a triage nurse.
If you guessed Junie Hoang, then give yourself a slap in the face and follow it up with a punch to the eye, because that's what you get for lying. Nobody guessed Junie Hoang! Because nobody knows who Junie Hoang is. But I guess a bunch of us do now and I hope that Junie Hoang at least gets to play the role of Junie Hoang when some show on truTv does a reenactment of this. (SPOILER ALERT: She won't. Some 20-year-old white girl will get the role.)
Guess who's in a bikini again.... Oh, why am I bothering with this question bullshit. It's LeAnn Rimes. You know it. I know it. We all know it. If you see a trick in a bikini, nine times out of ten, it's LeAnn. - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
What it would look like if Toni Collette and John Mayer with an Ogilvie home perm got together - Lainey Gossip
The scab nectar of America is leaking over to the UK again - Hollywood Tuna
This 24-month-old is already smarter than I could ever hope to be - The Berry
Will Jada Pinkett-Smith move her box of strap-ons out of her marital home already, because dragging this mess out is killing me (not really) - Celebitchy
Shakira's sun-soaked nalgitas. That is all. - The Superficial
Whenever I see Dominic Purcell, I think how is it possible that he was never in Oz? The world ain't fair. - Towleroad
Ashley Greene can walk, sip from a straw and carry a pocketbook at the same time - Popoholic
In this episode of Planet Earth, watch as a zebra/cheetah hybrid tries to waddle around after eating its entire herd - Popsugar
Hot Slut Runner-Up of the Day: Ole the Corgi - The Daily What
The golden child of a million halos has not been born yet - Necole Bitchie
Lily Allen named her daughter after your memaw - Just Jared
Milla Jovovich really likes seaweed - Hollywood Rag
How Mimi isn't in at least 10 of these pictures is beyond me - Cityrag
Isaac Mizrahi got married - I'm Not Obsessed
What would Zoila say? Trace from Flipping Out is a guy with an iPhone and a camera-loving peen - (NSFW) Queer Click
This regional KIA commercial starring Gary Busey is incomplete without one of his signature acronyms for KIA - Videogum
I'm just going to drop this off and keep on going....
When asked about her dating life by Ellen DeGeneres, Alley, 60, admitted she usually goes for "psychos" and "players," so the host suggested she try going with the opposite of what she's attracted to.
"I'm thinking ugly men might be the solution," the Dancing with the Stars alum responded. "I'm talking about butt ugly. Because I go for really handsome men and I think butt ugly would be appreciative."
What you're looking at is not a flier for a taxi dance club/potato bar located on the outskirts of Reno. This is the picture 18-year-old Sydney Spies (no comment on that name) tried to submit as her official senior portrait for the yearbook at Durango High School in Colorado, but the student editors got together and banned it for being too sexy. They rejected Sydney's picture and now she's scheduled to meet with the school's principal, because she feels her rights have been violated.
The school's administration agreed with the student editors that their yearbook is an award-winning piece of serious journalism and they could never let this kind of not-so-fresh skankiness smear their award-winning image! The yearbook's student editor explained to the Durango Herald, "We are an award-winning yearbook. We don’t want to diminish the quality with something that can be seen as unprofessional.”
Sydney has staged a protest, because she feels the school is unfairly stomping on her freedom of expression and she doesn't want this to happen to anyone again. Sydney is fighting the good fight! Every high school student should have the right to tramp it up in their yearbook photos. We're here! We're sluts! Get used to it!
But seriously, when did it become okay for high school seniors to pick their own yearbook pictures? This shit was not an option for me. My picture is so damn busted that several assholes asked me if it was damaged during printing (come to think of it, they ask me that about every picture of myself). If the generations before these brats had to suffer through shitty yearbook pictures, so should they. We didn't have the luxury of using the services of the finest photographer in Durango. We weren't allowed to be photographed from below the nipples, so we couldn't show off the fancy yellow skirt we bought AT REGULAR PRICE at Mandee's. We didn't get the option to use our mother's funeral table runner as a top. We didn't get any of that so they shouldn't either. #Getoffmylawnetc
With all that being said, now is the time for Courtney Stodden to truly become the Gloria Steinem of her generation. Courtney, get your lucite heels to Durango and fight for Sydney's right to bring the sexy to her yearbook. Sydney is missing some clear bra straps, though.
Vanessa Paradis and Johnny Depp's 14 year long relationship has lived through a movie shoot with St. Angie Jolie, dick wandering rumors and his various degrees of hotness, so every whore expected them to last forever. Well, I guess forever in Hollywood years is 14, because Radar is putting all their chips on Vanessa and Johnny joining the Another One Bites A Dust Club of 2012. Their source is trying to say that the love between VaJohnny is slipping away the same way a ho does when they walk behind Johnny as he shakes out the greasy mop of oily locks on his head.
The source's story is that Vanessa and Johnny are verbally brawling all the time and he's pretty much over it. The source puts it like this: "Johnny isn't handling anything well right now. People around him are worried about how Johnny is doing because he and Vanessa seem so fractured right now. Their relationship is heading toward the end. Johnny has started reaching out to lawyers, probably to quietly discuss how to get out of the relationship. They're not married but they've been together for years and have kids together so it isn't as easy as just breaking up."
Johnny is a drunk doucheweasel sometimes (who isn't?) and his mouth diarrheas up the stupid on a regular basis (whose mouth doesn't?), but I'm still going to snort all of this up with a grain of salt. Like I said above, Johnny's relationship survived through the home-killing tornado that whirls out of St. Angie's hypnotic vagina. If Johnny and Vanessa can survive that, they can survive anything. So yeah, VaJohnny is going to last till the end of eternity. Oh wait. I think I'm getting Johnny's true loves mixed up again. What I really meant to type is that Johnny and Tim Burton's love is going to last till the end of eternity. There, that's better.
Justin Bieber and his daddy, the Canadian KFed, went to Shakey's in L.A. yesterday and as he jumped onto the booster seat on the driver side of his Range Rover, he flashed the new Jesus tattoo on his leg. It's nice and everything that the real Jesus is paying homage to the other Jesus with an ink portrait on his chicken leg, but it's incomplete! Let me fix that for Justin:
Jesus' eyes rolling up into Justin's shorts was just screaming for that. I will fax this to the tattoo shop inside of the Kid Zone Play Center, so Justin's artist is ready to go. I'm sure his legal guardians, Selena Gomez and Usher, have already signed a consent form so Justin doesn't have to worry about that.
High Priestess Whitney was right when she preached that the children are our future and now it looks like our future is going to be every shade of ESCANDALOSO, because my homewrecking queen Sienna Miller has got a uterus full of fetus. UsWeekly says that the retired MPV-winning man thief and her boyfriend of a year Tom Sturridge (the fancy Skid Row resident she's puckering on in the picture above) will be parents to a hipster baby in a few months. If Peaches Geldof getting knocked up wasn't reason enough to start digging your 2012 underground bunker, then this news will be enough. SHOVELS OUT!
Sienna's rep hasn't confirmed any of this, but one of her loud mouth friends told UsWeekly, "They just spent the holidays in Paris together after they announced the news in London. [Their] were not surprised by the news of the pregnancy. They're really good together."
That baby is going to be such a damn hipster. It's going to come out of Sienna Miller's former bulldozer vagina in a vintage Liz Claiborne cape (True Story: I was in a Salvation Army in Greenpoint and heard some dirty hipster ask if they had any Liz Claiborne brand capes), an American Spirit in its mouth, the scent of patchouli wafting off of it and a monocle over its eye (because it will be a monocle-wearing baby before monocle-wearing babies are the thing). I just hope Sienna teaches her hipster baby everything she knows about relationships. Like age is nothing but a number and a wedding ring is nothing but something that will give your genitals an extra tingle while your married piece fingers you. A wedding ring is sort of like a cock ring for your finger!
But if it's true that kids turn out the opposite of their parents, then Sienna's child will probably care about the importance of bathing as much as it cares about respecting the marital vows of others. BOOOOOO!
If "doing the horizontal Dougie on Doogie Howser" is an item high on your cum bucket list, then let this clip from The Price Is Right teach you how to cross that shit off the quickest way possible. Somehow get on The Price Is Right, freebase a whole can of Amp to give you that "hyena getting struck by lightning" feeling and when Neil Patrick Harris walks out, immediately dry hump him until security pries you off with an electric spatula. You will probably walk away with a prize package consisting of a restraining order and a permanent block on Facebook from NPH, but the memory of watching his face contort into a state of sheer fear as you sexually assault him in public will last forever.
Chaz Bono's former fiancee wasn't looking forward to putting her mouth over a peen instead of a poon, but now that she's gone he can freely chase after his dick-getting dreams. But first, Chaz has to fill his peen fund with enough dollars to pay for the surgery. Chaz tells Rolling Stone that he's already picked out a doctor in Belgrade and all he needs is around $45,000 to take his down low parts from clit to cock. Chaz broke it down, and yes, my eyeballs bungeed out of their sockets and hit the screen after I read that his shiny new dick could be Tommy Lee-sized.
"I could get a phalloplasty, which builds the phallus from a donor site on your body," he says straightforwardly, "but I'm leaning more toward a metoidioplasty. It's a procedure that uses what you already have down there" – he means his clitoris – "which has grown larger from the testosterone. You end up with a smaller phallus than with the phalloplasty, but it's fully functional, it gets erect, and the sensation is all there."
Does he know how big it's going to be?
He frowns. "You know, I don't really. I mean, I've never seen one erect. So it's really hard to say. But, you know, soft, probably about three inches, and it grows considerably. I don't know what the average size difference is, but when I'm having sex I probably get three or four times larger." He pauses. "I was in a fairly typical heterosexual relationship, which caused some militant members of the queer community to think I'm reinforcing stereotypes or whatever. Anyway, I think Jen wished I wouldn't get the bottom done, but she understood my need to." He shrugs. "You have to understand, though, for me the life transformation has already happened."
I don't know if it was Chaz or another transman who said that he wasn't touching his bottom area yet, because the recovery from the surgery is as painful as getting fucked in the pee hole with a hot screw and the dick doesn't even work that well anyway.
I read a while ago that some new dicks can only get fully erect with the help of a pump. That would kind of suck. You're like, "Get ready, bitch, this rock hard fat dick is going to fuck you into another religion! Hold onto your nipples cause they're gonna pop off from the fuck quake I'm about to hit you with. We're going to break the Richter Scale tonight! Are you ready? Oh wait, can you grab that bike pump out of the closet..." (<---- That's pretty much the dialogue heard in Hugh Hefner's room every night.) But I'm glad to hear from Chaz that this doesn't seem to be the case anymore. I'm also glad to hear that Chaz's peen will be able to grow naturally and then some!
I mean, it's been a while since I've failed grade school math, but three times four equals twelve, right? Chaz can get himself a 12 inch salchicha dick? Chaz says that he will never ask Cher for the money since he wants to do this own his own, but I say, STOP IT! When it comes to getting a 12-inch dick, all pride for independence should fly out of the window. Just get that 12-inch dick, Chaz! Seriously, if Chaz gets hit by a bus tomorrow, wouldn't he want to be hit while having a 12-inch dick? I don't even see Chaz's lips moving and I can tell that he's fighting to say the word YAAAASSSSS!
Hell, Cher is so rich that she can buy everyone a 12 incher. She could be like the Oprah of 12-inch dicks. You get a 12-inch dick and you get a 12-inch dick! I'll take one. My arm is getting so tired from hitting the snooze button 50 times every morning, so it would be nice to be able to hit that button with my new 1 footer.
And Google tells me that Chaz will still have an orgasm, but won't be able to ejaculate. Those surgeons should try to fix that problem. Can't they install jizz sacks down? Flavored ones? That would really be the best and I'd get that. Can you imagine if you had flavored jizz? That would be a priceless pick-up tool. Think about it. You're at the cream bar at Starbucks when some hot piece mutters to himself, "Ugh, they're out of hazelnut." You wink inside knowing you've got this, grab his cup and fiddle with a few knobs on your nutsack before you quickly shoot out a stream of hazelnut deliciousness. That would be a beautiful story to tell everyone on your wedding day.
(Image via Out Magazine)