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No, this isn't a picture of a zombie Ellen DeGeneres siphoning whatever youth is left from her latest victim. This is Nick Carter and his girlfriend Lauren Kitt awkwardly trying to make out with each other's cheeks at his 32nd birthday party at Vanity in Las Vegas last night. You're thinking what I'm thinking so let's just scream it together: THE FUCK HAPPENED TO THAT FACE??? (That question applies to both of them)

While Aaron Carter doesn't completely look like he just fell out of a Faces of Meth Magazine, Nick looks like he's been on the cover of Faces of Meth Magazine: AARP Edition. Should I call a priest who specializes in exorcisms? Should I call a damn doctor who specializes in leprosy of the face? Should I call somebody with hair clippers since I'm sure that 1970s Bieber pimp mop on Nick's head is sucking all the hot out of his face. Those extra wide pube chops he calls sideburns are making Nick look like a 65-year-old David Spade who time traveled back to the 1970s to work as a low level porn producer in Hungary. I just wanna stick an IV drip in his hair and then gently blow his eyelids down so he can get some sleep. Damn.

Somebody get the number to 911 and call it, because this shit is serious.

At the Directors Guild of America Awards in L.A. last night, the likes of Jennifer Aniston, Amber Heard, Helen Mirren, Berenice Bejo, Christine Lahti, Clare from 90210, Laura Dern, Missi Pyle, Shailene Woodley, Fred Savage, Hunter "What Happened To Your Face?" Tylo, Jean Dujardin and Gary Oldman all exploded into fine dust when they were photo bombed by an array of glamorously gorgeous scene stealers. For some reason, the organizers of that shit made the right decision by placing the red carpet in front of the cocktail area and the background became the main attraction. Those photo bombers lit that shit up without even trying.

How can Jennifer Aniston and Helen Mirren possibly compete with a "Nice try, but you ain't wearing a skunk tail boa!" side-eye and a Cheri O'Teri-like "Ewwww bitch, go home!" fart face. Aniston is the oatmeal to the photo bombers' cinnamon raisin. We're all pushing around the oatmeal to get to the real stars.

With all that being said, where the hell was Phoebe Price during all of this? The red carpet at an award show cannot be rolled out until the ginger wonder rolls in for seat filler orientation. Chicken Cutlets would've been the dollop of whipped cream by photo bombing the photo bombers.

Jimmy Ray - Thanks to the Spice Girls' creator Simon Fuller, the late 90s was graced by the brilliance of a fourth shelf Elvis impersonator from England named Jimmy Ray. Simon Fuller molded Jimmy Ray into a skinny ass Elvis for our generation and with the charisma of Keanu Reeves and the moves of a sedated Buddy Holly, Jimmy Ray had a semi-hit (his only semi-hit) with "Are You Jimmy Ray?" That song was stuffed with more question marks than the inside of my head when I wonder about what ever happened to Jimmy Ray.

Some of my greatest fap memories from 1998 starred Jimmy Ray. Jimmy looked like a borderline anorexic lesbian man nymph who had the lyrics to a Morrissey song tattooed on his inner thigh, always wore a mechanic shirt, smelled like pomade and menthols and rolled his eyes every time a ho compared him to Luke Perry. Just my type!

I don't know what ever happened to Jimmy. Wiki says he was in some band in 2009, but he dropped off the face of the Internet after that. What ever happened to his ass, I hope that he made the most out of his signature pout. The bitch could pout! And with a pout like that, I hope he either became a MAC counter boy or a child beauty queen.

Adam Lambert (30)
Athina Onassis (27)
Isabel Lucas (27)
Jonny Lang (31)
Jason James Richter (32)
Andrew Keegan (33)
Sara Gilbert (37)
Kelly Packard (37)
Heather Graham (42)
Edward Burns (44)
Greg Louganis (52)
Oprah Winfrey (58)
Tommy Ramone (60)
Ann Jillian (62)
Tom Selleck (67)
Katharine Ross (72)