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Ever since Ashton Kutcher broke the vows of an open marriage by getting caught dicking side piece after side piece, there have been rumors that Demi Moore was back to numbing the pain with the sweet nectar and she's been looking like she's barely surviving on kosher coke, hair strands and Kabbalahtinis. Well, it looks like she has been and that shit has caught up with her ass, because TMZ says that Demi was (cue the dramatic music) was RUSHED to the hospital last night after she had some kind of substance abuse issue. "Substance abuse issue" is just publicist talk for: Bitch went too far with the coke.

Some police insider tells TMZ that paramedics showed up to Demi's house in L.A. last night after somebody called 911. They looked her over for about 30 minutes and decided it was best to take her to the hospital. Demi was kept in the hospital overnight and she's seen been moved to a "facility" to get more help. Demi's publicist jacked all of us off when they said this:

"Because of the stresses in her life right now, Demi has chosen to seek professional assistance to treat her exhaustion and improve her overall health. She looks forward to getting well and is grateful for the support of her family and friends."

Exhaustion? Are we still using that one? I was unaware that we all time traveled back to 2004. Listen, we're all grown ass adults here, so a bitch can tell us that Demi is exhausted from doing Klonopin curls into her mouth and that she needs to improve her health by drying out. While Demi is drying out, I hope she sits on her bed and has a moment of clarity where she realizes that she's actually Heather Locklearing it over Kelso from That 70s Show. Kelso! All this for Kelso. If you're going to have a meltdown, at least have a meltdown over a non-douchebag.

That swan is like, "I know this bitch is going to write some fairytale ass song about me without giving me a cut." - Lainey Gossip

And when Khloe Kardashian and her biological father are reunited in person, he can take her to Ogre Swamp to meet the rest of us her biological relatives - The Superficial

There won't be a dry eye at Brit Brit's wedding when Daddy Spears hands her leash over to Sam Merless - Celebitchy

Pfft! Disney has been allowing beards for YEARS (see: Zac and Vanessa) - Towleroad

The hell kind of Wonder Woman is this? - Hollywood Tuna

Even Whitney Port's nip slips are boring - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

Hilary Duff's pregnancy is lasting longer than the entire run of Lizzie McGuire - Popoholic

That side-eye in the corner says everything I need to say about Michael Cera's hipsterstache - The Berry

Why won't Posh let the right side of her face be great? - ICYDK

Hugh Jackman's dog was over it before it began - Just Jared

Eva Mendes is going on dates with Ryan Gosling's dog now. What does it meeeeean? - Popsugar

This dog is an unknown and yet Keanu Reeves still gets acting jobs? - The Daily What

Mel Gibson DOES approve of Kat Von Douchebag and her sainted crotch - Cityrag

Vanilla Ice goes indie - SOW

Bow Wow looks like a Nerf ball shat all over his feet - Moe Jackson

Panty Creamer (From The Neck Down) Of The Day: Michael Phelps - Hollywood Rag

The soon-to-be Mrs. Rojo Caliente, Cynthia Nixon, caused a shit storm yesterday when she said that she chose to be a lesbian and that in her personal opinion she believes that for some hos it is a choice. Some gay activists lit her asshole up for giving ammo to homophobes and some homophobes gladly used that ammo by leaving comments on other sites like, "One of dem admitted it's a choice! See!" I just wanted Rojo to take me in her teddy bear arms and hold me until bitches stopped screaming at each other.

Well, in another interview, Cynthia gets into her sexuality more. Cynthia says that when she was with a dude, she loved that dude with her heart and loved his peen with her poon. Now that she's with the most beautiful lesbian in the world, she loves that woman with her heart, and loves that woman's poon with her poon. But Cynthia doesn't consider herself bisexual, because nobody likes bisexuals. This is a piece of her conversation with The Daily Beast's Kevin Sessums:

KS: Were you a lesbian in a heterosexual relationship? Or are you now a heterosexual in a lesbian relationship? That quote seemed like you were fudging a bit.

CN: It’s so not fudging. It’s so not. I think for gay people who feel 100 percent gay, it doesn’t make any sense. And for straight people who feel 100 percent straight, it doesn’t make any sense. I don’t pull out the “bisexual” word because nobody likes the bisexuals. Everybody likes to dump on the bisexuals.

KS: But it is the “B” in LGBT.

CN: I know. But we get no respect.

KS: You just said “we,” so you must self-identify as one.

CN: I just don’t like to pull out that word. But I do completely feel that when I was in relationships with men, I was in love and in lust with those men. And then I met Christine and I fell in love and lust with her. I am completely the same person and I was not walking around in some kind of fog. I just responded to the people in front of me the way I truly felt.

So Cynthia thinks that bisexuals don't get any respect and that's her reason for not identifying as one? The hell kind of logic is that? Dumb sluts don't get any respect, but that doesn't stop me from proudly proclaiming that I am one, because maybe one day we'll get the respect we deserve (we won't). Oh, Cynthia. This is a mess. But if Cynthia thinks she's a whateversexual, then she's a whateversexual. It's her sexuality and she can define it any way she wants.

Personally, when it comes to sexuality the only questions I ever have are: Do you have a peen? How big is it? Can I see it? Why did you just throw that drink in my face? Can you do it again?

via Towleroad

Family Feud is purposely dipping their board into gutter sludge now, so they can end up on YouTube and go viral. Because unless 3 of the 100 people they surveyed were you, me and Tommy Girl as his Top Gun character, who in cock pit hell said that something a pilot holds onto during a long flight is "his schlong." What pilot holds his own schlong? Isn't that what the co-pilot is for? No, I'm seriously asking that, because Marion and I are thinking of quitting our jobs to become co-pilots.

via Warming Glow

Vanessa Paradis, seen here looking Johnny Depp's Mad Hatter after tanning and a brow pluck, is doing press for her new movie Cafe de Flore around Paris and all reporters were told to keep questions about her personal life inside of their mouths or she'd nibble their eyes out with her reverse Jack O' Lantern grill. The hosts at the French radio station Europe 1 (via DM) didn't listen to that warning and asked Vanessa about the rumors that VaJohnny is now lying next to the grave of Heidi & Seal's marriage. Vanessa didn't confirm, deny or even open a beer bottle with her gap and down all the sweet nectar before breaking the bottle on the host's head. Vanessa only said this:

"You know, when I eat three peas, I'm pregnant. When I visit a city, I'm buying a house. In the winter I separate, in the summer I marry. It's been fifteen years since I've been getting married every year. In addition I have to answer all these rumors!"

Oh, Vanessa, it is SO HARD for you having to answer all those questions. SO HARD. My sympathies would be with you at this difficult question-asking time, but I've already sent them out to something that really needs them today: Michael Fassbender's big dick for not getting an Oscar nomination.

Whenever somebody asks Vanessa a question she doesn't want to answer, she should put on a pastel polo shirt, warm up her voice and then give us what we all really want. THIS:

Seriously, every question should be answered with Joe Le Taxi.

At last night's NYC premiere of the soon-to-be Razzie sweeper W.E., Madge told reporters that she was crossing her fingers and hoping that the academy would be so fearful of her wrath that they'd throw a bunch of nominations at her. Cut to this morning when she woke up in her coffin with a giant bouquet of hydrangeas on top and a note from the academy that read: Thanks, but no thanks. Okay, okay, technically W.E. was nominated for an Oscar (for Best Costume), so I guess the male members of the academy are still a little scared that Madge will crawl up into their beds at night, rip their nutsacks out with one bite and then replace the heads on the Oscar trophies with their gold-plated huevos.

For once, I can't really make fun of the shit that Madge wore to her premiere last night (or the shit she wore while escorting Baby Brahim to his nursery for bedtime). Bitch looks like the evil queen double fisting two tutu-wearing ballerinas. It's totally appropriate! Speaking of fisting, I also can't make fun of Madge's (DO NOT CLICK ON THAT NSFL LINK!!!) veiny testicle hands for once. I thought about it and if I was ever in the market for a silicone fist, I'd buy one modeled after Madge's hand. Four words: Veiny For Your Pleasure. I mean, John Travolta so wants to make sweet love to Madge's hand right now.

It is really hard to believe this former A- list boy bander and now a C who kind of was his own one boy band has always been in the closet. Despite every single public romance he has had with a woman he has always wanted to come out. He has been caught so many times and given the perfect opportunity to come out, but he keeps waiting and waiting.

He dated this at the time, huge tween actress for a very long time but most of the time she was having sex with our boy bander's brother. The brother is where she was rumored to have picked up the gift that keeps on giving. The good news for the brother was that since the boy bander was "dating" her, the brother never got in trouble for having sex with a minor for almost a year.

One time our boy bander was on tour with a different girlfriend. This girlfriend was a singer and is now an actress or she may still be both. Anyway, this actress/singer had no clue that our boy bander liked guys and was a virgin at the time. She got the gift that keeps on giving from a different band guy. Anyway, the virgin walked in on our boy bander on his knees servicing one of his male backup dancers. About an hour later the virgin was gone.

One of the boy banders best "girlfriends" was with this celebutante who made her name in some sex tape action and a reality show. Anyway, she was totally into the fact that our boy bander liked guys and was into having threesomes. She moved on though because a celebrity couple offered her more money to come stay with them for awhile.

I don't think there is any truth to the rumor that our boy bander had sex with the celebrity father of one of his other "girlfriends." She is also a celebrity, although I wish she was not. (CDAN)

Jonathan Knight has already waved his I Love Peen flag high up in the air, so I can cross him off the list (although, I'm still waiting for Jordan Knight to wave his). JC Chasez has a brother, but he doesn't fit into the rest of this shit. The Maddens didn't really fit all the way either, so I'll go with The Carters!

Gaybander: Nick Carter?
Huge Tween Actress: I don't know!
Brother: Aaron Carter?
Virgin actress/singer: Willa Ford?
Celebutard turned fuck tape star: Parasite Hilton?
Girlfriend whose father the gaybander didn't sex on: Tila Tequila (HA)?

or

Gaybander: Aaron Carter (even though he never touched the A-list and was never in a boy band)
Huge Tween Actress: Lindsay Lohan?
Brother: Nick Carter?
Virgin actress/singer: Hilary Duff?
Celebutard turned fuck tape star: Kari Ann Peniche?
Girlfriend whose father the gaybander didn't sex on: Brooke Hogan?

And since we're on the subject of one of the Carters being gay.... I wish I was making this next part up, but I'm not. Some dude I dated for like three weeks kept a framed picture of Nick Carter on a table next to his sofa. I figured that shit just came with the frame, but I was wrong. This motherfucker told me that Nick Carter is his favorite dude to jack off to, so it's easier for him to just leave a picture of Nick Carter out all the time instead of pulling up pictures of Nick Carter on his laptop every time he's jack it. Practical? Yes. Something I needed to know? No.

How could I get it on with him on the sofa if I knew he was just picturing me as a portrait of Nick Carter in a Pottery Barn frame? Okay, I could and did, but still.

Sundance Blind Item - This what now counts for an A list Tween television actress was flirting heavily with this director who is the boyfriend of this usually annoying B list movie actress. Anyway, the director was going to keep it at flirting until the tweener told him she was over 18(barely). Hello hotel room. I'm sure the excuse he gave to his girlfriend for missing her big event was priceless. Our B list actress was out of her mind ticked off. (CDAN)

Demi Lovato (or that chick on iCarly), Kate Bosworth and Michael Polish?

This young celebrity is gay. His parents didn’t feel that his sexual orientation would enable him to be successful, so they pushed him into marriage early to maintain that wholesome family image and to quash gay rumors. They picked out a star struck young lady for him, and quickly announced their engagement. Imagine the young girl’s surprise when she found out that her sexy new husband didn’t want to have sexy time with her. They do smile and kiss while posing for PR photos, but then he goes cruising for guys on the internet. He also likes to hit up the gay bars when he’s in LA. You might think that he has the best of both worlds, but he is actually miserable in the fake marriage. For right now, though, he just isn’t strong enough to get out… or come out. (Blind Gossip)

Kevin Jonas, but I'm going to blind myself to this blind item, because Joe Jonas is supposed to be the gay one.

Which squeaky-clean pop star is desperately trying to keep his pot-smoking habit and hookups with a Las Vegas hooker under wraps? The young crooner's famous girlfriend wouldn't care so much about his wacky weed habit, but she probably wouldn't appreciate the cheating! (National Enquirer via Gawker)

Justin Bieber? But he's obviously not toking up enough. He needs to smoke from his SpongeBong until the good shit does us all right by numbing his tongue and the rest of his yodeling parts.

For a while there, it seemed like Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry both let their crazy go dormant and slid to their corners to cool their raging assholes by feeding it a Valium enema and a marijuana suppository. But you can't keep the crazy down for long. Halle Berry will show up in a court in L.A. today to ask a judge to take away all of Gabriel Aubry's visitation rights until Child Services finishes investigating him for putting their 3-year-old daughter Nahla in danger by allegedly shoving at the nanny.

TMZ reported last night that Nahla's nanny, Alliance Kamdem (ALLIANCE!!!), filed a police report after she claims Gabriel pushed her while his daughter was in her arms. Alliance says that earlier in the day, she went to pick up Nahla from school and was told that the kid didn't go. When Alliance went to Gabriel's condo, she picked up Nahla before asking Gabriel why Nahla didn't go to school. That question summoned Gabriel's crazy and he responded by screaming "You're the fucking nanny. Who do you think you are? You are a nobody. You don't need to fucking know anything!" at Alliance. These Hollywood dudes. If they're not fucking the nanny, they're screaming fuck words at the nanny. Gabriel then shoved Alliance into the door while Nahla was still in her arms.

Alliance apparently suffered an injury and when she was questioned by the police, she told them that Gabriel is a tall drink of asshole and regularly curses at her in front of Nahla, making the kid cry. When Gabriel isn't throwing racial slurs at Alliance, he's making her sit in a corner in his condo until he's ready to deal with her.

As well as Child Services looking at Gabriel, the LAPD also opened up a criminal battery and child endangerment investigation against him.

Yes, there are two sides to every story and both of these sides are absolutely fucking ass crazy. Do I believe that Gabriel rages at the nanny? ¡Sí! Do I believe that Halle Berry has got the nanny in her pocket and is using her to fuck with Gabriel? ¡Sí! Do I believe that Nahla is going to emancipate herself as soon as she knows what that is and will quickly enter the Berry Aubry Protection Program? ¡Sí! But more importantly, do I believe that Alliance Kamdem is the hottest name for a nanny I've ever heard? ¡Síiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!

Tilda Swinton, ROBBED! Uggie the Dog, ROBBED! Michael Fassbender's big dick, ROBBED! Almodovar, ROBBED! Emma Stone's thirsty, busted, five cent curly fries wig from The Help, ROBBED! The diarrhea pie from The Help, ROBBED! The Help for Best Movie That Should've Been On The Hallmark Channel Instead, ROBBED! That satin scorpion jacket Ryan Gosling wore all through Drive, ROBBED! The guy behind me who snored all through Tree of Life for Most Appropriate Soundtrack, ROBBED! The ROBBED list goes on and on and on....

Jennifer Lawrence, who I'm pretty sure was asleep during the whole thing, and some token old white dude presented the Oscar nominations this morning and most of them were to be expected (Streep, Clooney, Pitt, Williams, The Artist for pretty much everything) but there were a few HUHS? and surprises like Jonah Hill, Nick Nolte, Melissa McCarthy, The Help for Best Movie and Extremely Loud and Incredibly Oscar Baity for Best Movie. If Extremely Loud wins, the only person they need to thank is Marky Mark, because if he was on one of those 9/11 plans, their movie would've never existed!

AnytheyareallgoingtohellfornotnominatingTilda, the full nomination list is after the jump and even though there's a lot of gold-plated fuckery here, I love that the Oscar dude showed Madge and Elton John who the real bitch queen is by shutting both of them out. JUMP!

DO NOT use a black light to inspect your bed linens in a Tokyo hotel room. - zachhcaz

Runners-up:

There was more cocaine in Kesha's recording studio than originally thought. - BaconSlut

Nineteen kids and counting, Jim Bob Duggar is still haunted by all the sperm he simply flushed away. - Datura

The non-weepers at Kim Jong Il's funeral were NOT sent to work camps. They were, however, dipped in seasoned flour and deep fried. - turnelbup

via Poorly Dressed