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The good gay news today is that soon gays and gayelles will be able to have the rained out, flying fish wedding of their dreams at the Seattle Fish Market, because Washington is inches away from legalizing gay marriage finally. The other gay news that I'm not sure how to wrap the lobes of my brain around is that Cynthia Nixon told The New York Times that she made the choice to slurp on lady clit and fall in love with a woman.

"I gave a speech recently, an empowerment speech to a gay audience, and it included the line ‘I’ve been straight and I’ve been gay, and gay is better.’ And they tried to get me to change it, because they said it implies that homosexuality can be a choice. And for me, it is a choice. I understand that for many people it’s not, but for me it’s a choice, and you don’t get to define my gayness for me. A certain section of our community is very concerned that it not be seen as a choice, because if it’s a choice, then we could opt out. I say it doesn’t matter if we flew here or we swam here, it matters that we are here and we are one group and let us stop trying to make a litmus test for who is considered gay and who is not.

Why can’t it be a choice? Why is that any less legitimate? It seems we’re just ceding this point to bigots who are demanding it, and I don’t think that they should define the terms of the debate. I also feel like people think I was walking around in a cloud and didn’t realize I was gay, which I find really offensive. I find it offensive to me, but I also find it offensive to all the men I’ve been out with."

At first, I took her words to mean that she chose to eat pussy the same way a gay person chooses to ignore their gayness by getting with someone from the opposite sex to please society. But that didn't really make sense, so I backed up out of that thought and then figured that she's trying to say who cares if it is a choice. That seemed sort of right, but then the light hit me after I asked myself, "Michael, if the most beautiful lesbian in the world Rojo Caliente asked you to drop the dick out of your mouth and come to the ginger side, would you go?" The answer is a full body FUCK YES! I'd drop that dick (but I'd come back for it afterward), grab my burn cream and prepare my tongue for some chili-crusted red snapper. So what I think Cynthia is TRYING to say is that she's a Rojosexual.

If one of the Nelson twins became a post-op transsexual and stuffed her chest with dinosaur eggs, this is what the band would look like today and I'd be their biggest fan forever and always - Hollywood Tuna

Angie Jo is back to wearing black and I'm pretty sure Brad Pitt got a flea dip so all is well in the world again - Lainey Gossip

By the looks of that outfit, the only thing Justin Bieber is going to star in is Ernest Goes To Lederhosen Hell - The Superficial

More evidence that RiRi continues to make wonderful life choices - Celebitchy

You might see this as pictures from AVN, but Courtney Stodden sees this as pictures of her future wardrobe - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

This was J.J. Abrams original idea for Lost, but he knew it would be too horrifying for the public to watch - Popoholic

Blind Item Solved: Kristin Calawhatever is with child - ICYDK

Is Cameron Diaz moisturizing her face with the cooking grease my abuelita keeps in a jar under the sink? - Hollywood Rag

Gay marriage needs to be made legal in Australia so two of my favorite Australians, Sharon from Kath & Kim and Gran from Angry Boys, can get married - Towleroad

Before the love died... - The Berry

BREAKING: Shiloh got a haircut - Popsugar

Allan Hawco's ass, come and get it - (NSFWish) OMG Blog

Zac Efron gets his butch on at Home Depot - Just Jared

I think I've made Tom Brady's new mansion with Legos before - Cityrag

Eurika for MVP! - Videogum

Presenting the Gold Digger Anthem of 2012 - Crunk + Disorderly

Tracy Morgan was down and out in Park City over the weekend - I'm Not Obsessed

The video of Suri's birth finally surfaces - The Daily What

A good wig, a strong breast cream that will keep her underchichi areas from chafing and a furrier who specializes in Muppet pelts are just some of the things that are important to Aretha Franklin, but she made it clear in a statement today that nothing is more important to her than the sanctity of marriage which is why she's decided to press pause on making William "Catfish" Wickerson her third husband:

"Will and I have decided we were moving a little too fast, and there were a number of things that had not been thought through thoroughly. There will be no wedding at this time. We will not comment on it any further because of the very personal and sensitive nature of it. We appreciate all of the many well wishes from friends."

So either: a) Catfish wasn't about to sign a prenup; or b) Catfish and Aretha didn't want to lose the quick sinful rush they feel from having premarital titty sex.

via UsWeekly

I already know that there's no way I can sneeze with my eyes open and I'm not about to try, but after watching this clip I now know that I can cringe with my entire face while my eyes stay wide open to watch a girl shove an entire tissue finger up her damn nostril. Do not try this at home unless you really want the devil to show himself through your face.

Source: Rats Off via Buzzfeed

The Mona Lisa has had a good run as the First Lady of High Art, but the time has come for her to slide off of the wall, because a worthy replacement has emerged in Desperate Scousewives star and my personal deity Layla Flaherty. You can't tell me that you wouldn't wait 2 hours in a line outside of the Louvre to see the stunning portrait above behind bulletproof glass:

It's meant to be, right? It's like the Mona Lisa is only meant to be a preview for the true work of beautiful art that is to come. I'll add your name to the "Layla Flaherty To Replace The Mona Lisa" petition I'm going to send the Louvre.

In just a couple of weeks, Layla Flaherty has made me a believer of whatever she's preaching by carrying herself with dignity, grace and class. Take the other night for instance. Most whores would spend their night getting so fucked up on the sweet nectar that they'd suck off anything, make an ass out of themselves in the middle of a Subway and eventually pass the hell out on a street barrier before getting carried to their car (like all of us!). But not Layla. Layla spent her night cleansing that dirty, slutty city with her vat of holy water mouth. Layla baptized the head of a lip gloss peen! Layla baptized the wrapper around a foot long (I bet that foot long was so pissed it was wearing a paper condom)! Layla baptized a Sprite bottle! Layla baptized the glass door of a Subway that probably has already been baptized by the piss splatters of a hobo! Layla baptized a dress bow! And after all that baptizing, Layla grew so exhausted from all her charitable deeds that she passed out and had to be carried back to her church by one of her disciples.

If this isn't proof that Layla is the second cumming coming, then I don't know what is.

If Jennifer Aniston had a baby for every time the tabloids said she was having a baby, she'd have more babies than Cabbage Patch Groom Dolls (read: a lot of fucking babies) and a child army to rival all child armies. If the tabloids aren't saying she's got a crying fetus in her womb, they're saying that she's crying in the fetal position inside of Beanie Baby Mountain (aka her safe place), because she got dumped again. But for the past few weeks, Star Magazine, The Enquirer and some others have been saying that Jennifer's dog is breathing a sigh of relief, because now that she's knocked up it no longer has to wear a bonnet while she tucks it into its crib at night. The Daily Mail is now co-signing all of that and their source is telling them that Jennifer is taking a break from barfing out romantic comedy after romantic comedy to be a mother:

"She wants to focus on herself and hopefully becoming a mother. She is thinking of launching her own fashion line which would allow her to spend more time at home."

But the fun haters at Gossip Cop asked Jen's publicist about this and he said her uterus still has a vacancy sign on it and she's not taking a break anytime soon.

Who to believe? On one hand, the tabloids have been nailing me in the head with their "The Last Sign of The Apocalypse: Jennifer Aniston is Having Twins" headlines so hard that I'm starting to believe it. But on the other hand, if Jennifer Aniston was pregnant, she'd put on a bikini bottom made from her latest sonogram scan, stick two positive pregnancy tests over her nipples and then run in front of her arch rival Maddox during one of his staged photo-ops.

We really shouldn't believe that Aniston is knocked up until we see Maddox with a defeated look on his face and a mourning outfit on his body. FYI: In the Brangelina world, a mourning outfit is anything that's not black.

Wayne Coyne of the Flaming Lips is working with Ke$hit on her next album and the answer to your first question "How much of the bad shit is he snorting to get through that?" was Tweeted by him before you even asked it. But before you write an essay for your 8th grade English class about how Wayne and Ke$ha are your new idols for being SO COOL!!!, SO EDGIES!!! and SO ROCKNROLLZ!!!, I should tell you that she Tweet claims that those sloppy ass lines are just crushed up Tums.

Whatever that shit is, it should come with every purchase of Ke$ha's next album. If it's coke, you're going to want to smoke it through that Sprite can to numb the pain after her musical herpes gets into your head. If it's TUMS, you're going to want to snort it through your ear holes to stop your eardrums from burning (note: earburn is a real thing). So thanks, Ke$hit!

via ONTD

Because Celebrity Fit Club worked so well for him, KFed is doing another weight loss show in Australia and during a challenge, his heart started freaking out the same way it did when he found out that the Jack in the Box by his house was going to stop serving 24 hours a day (been there). Team Chunk (copyright: C+D) is taking a hit this month. First Paula Deen gets struck down with the 'beeties, then we learn that Twinkies are in danger of going extinct and now KFed is on the verge of a cardiac breakdown.

A spokesperson for Channel 9's Excess Baggage show tells The Telegraph that KFed was doing a standard warm-up drill with an Australian football team when he started to complain about chest pains. The medic on set checked his pulse rate and that shit was PopoZãoing so hard that an ambulance was called. KFed was taken to Mt Druitt Hospital where doctors are keeping him overnight for observation. The rep wanted it to be known that KFed did not have a heart attack (Translation: Brit Brit, keep writing those checks, because KFed ain't going anywhere). The rep also said that KFed has dropped some chunk while doing the show and the number 232 looks back at him when he steps on the scale.

You know, since I got back from Italy a few weeks ago, I've been on a sort of diet. I haven't been eating a pizza and Top Ramen taco every night and I've been doing crunches (aka trying to make out with my peen lips by folding in half). But not anymore. Fuck exercise and fuck getting healthy. Working out kills! Look at KFed. KFed's fat, out of shape ass ran in the Australia heat and it almost killed him.

Whenever I walk by a gym, everybody in there looks like they are in the middle of a painful death. Life is seeping out of their pores in the form of sweat and they're huffing like they're trying to push out their last breath so the misery can end. If I had just beamed down to this planet, I would think that the gym is a torture camp. Then when I walk by a Cold Stone Creamery, it's the exact opposite. Everyone is happy. Everything is beautiful. And everyone is licking up the cream like it's the blended placenta of a rainbow. If I had just beamed down to this planet, I would think that Cold Stone Creamery is a happiness camp.

Doesn't Dr. Oz says that we should listen to our bodies? Well, when I start to do half of a crunch, my body screams out, "NOOO! IT HURTS!" But when my tongue touches cream, my body screams out, "YESSS! IT FEELS GOOD!" So see, I'm only doing what Dr. Oz tells me to do.

Who do I need to talk to about extending the weekend to today and tomorrow, because all of us need an extra two days to recover from the emotional roller coaster of tragic uncertainty that Heidi Klum and Seal put us through. It all started on Saturday morning when the meaning of love cried itself into a sad puddle after TMZ said that Heidi is filing for divorce this week. Then on Sunday morning, People peeled us off of the bathroom floor, gently pulled the bottle of Jack out of our anuses and the dildo out of our mouths (In our vulnerable state, we all got confused about what goes into which hole. It happens.) to tell us that Heidi and Seal were working out. But the roller coaster finally crashed into the pavement last night when Heidi and Seal told People that they are done.

"While we have enjoyed seven very loving, loyal and happy years of marriage, after much soul-searching we have decided to separate. We have had the deepest respect for one another throughout our relationship and continue to love each other very much, but we have grown apart. This is an amicable process and protecting the well-being of our children remains our top priority, especially during this time of transition. We thank our family, friends, and fans for their kind words of support. And for our children's sake, we appreciate you respecting our privacy."

TMZ is now saying that Seal is a complete raging dickfart and since nobody likes a mean seal, Heidi is getting out of there. It also isn't soothing Seal's ego knowing that his wife makes more money than he does.

Whatever the reason is, can they just stop it already? One day Seal's in Heidi, the next day Seal's out of Heidi. My emotions (and my whiskey-soaked prostate) can't take it! All this Seal news has forced me to listen to "Kiss From A Rose" more times than one person should (once) and I got so low that I even searched for Heidi's song on YouTube. That's the Internet equivalent of reciting lines from The Way We Were to your cats while wearing your nastiest period sweats and eating bowls of ice cream soup.

And on a different note, almost every article about Seal and Heidi I read mentioned that he has a new album coming out. This is why the state of California should really add "Stunt Queen Moves" to its reasons for divorce list.

The new TempurPedic breast implants do not transfer motion, and can be used as a serving tray. - ImpertinentVixen

Runners-up:

Look everyone Courtney Stodden just turned "21" and her boobs are finally done "maturing naturally." - TFBuckFutter

Spencer and Heidi are so broke, Heidi's implants had to get a job. - TomHanksIsHot

IN THIS ECONOMY, all US Airways flight attendants are now required to serve beverages AND double as flotation devices. - Danasaurus Sex

via Evil Milk