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"Steven Tyler Butchers National Anthem At NFL Playoff Game" is Radar's headline and it's as obvious as the headline "Michael K Nicks Himself While Shaving Ass Crack In The Shower, Will Sting When He Shits For A Couple Days." It's like, DUH.

When we get Steven Tyler, we know we're going to get a dude who looks like Teri Hatcher's great lesbian aunt (the one who sells hemp tampons at a flea market in Portland) and we know we're going to get a dude who sounds like a deaf coyote getting fucked in the ass with its own tail. Just know that your ear drums will be pounded raw and try to get lost in the twinkles jumping off of his glamorous scarf.

The world almost experienced a mass pumpkin suicide yesterday when TMZ heard that the reigning king and queen of Halloween, Heidi Klum and Seal, were making plans to murder the life out of their marriage after 6 years together. Cherubs turned their arrows on themselves and lovebirds made plans to legally change their name to loveisaliebirds. But everybody can stop now, because one of People's sources say that TMZ is being a melodramatic tea-spilling queen. Because although Heidi and Seal have hit a rough patch (Side note: Whenever anyone uses the phrase "rough patch" when talking about relationships problems, I always picture that rash you get when you rub up against a crotch with serious pube stubble.), they aren't making plans to legally quit each other anytime soon.

Heidi and Seal's marriage is getting shanked in the ass by a rose, but they're still trying to work it out. The source says that before Heidi leaves for Germany to shoot Germany's Top Model and Seal leaves for Australia to do The Voice over there, they are spending time together at home in Brentwood. Cut to the source: "They've been fighting a lot lately, but they have no plans to announce a split right now. They're not divorcing. They seem to be doing a lot better. They're both wearing their wedding bands."

Wait. So Heidi and Seal are trying to fix their marriage by spending all their time together? Didn't spending time together fuck them up in the first place? The problem is that they're always fighting, so now they're in a house together where they can fight all the time. The fuck kind of solution is that? If that solution was on a dress form, Tim Gunn would sashay in and kick it to the floor before saying "Make it work!"

I think that when a married couple is fighting all the time and they need to be in the same house together they should look to Oprah's "pretend you have a British houseguest" marital advice as the solution to their problems. And by that I mean, they should stop fighting to make fun of Oprah and her ridiculous ass marital advice. Making fun of Oprah can be the glue that holds your marriage together.

Ingredients:

Two heaping cups of Shakira's She-Wolf video

The root from Grace Jones' iconic pussy stretch pose

1 clove of Lady Gaga's anime eyes, minced

Half a slice of RiRi's Umbrella video, cut into cubes

An entire box of Crayola pastel chalk, melted

A handful of nose cartilage, coarsely crushed

An entire bag of generic brand silicone (preferably a bag that is past its expiration date)

Directions: Throw all ingredients into one of Lil' Kim's old pink wigs, securely tie wig up with a garland of tarantula legs, throw it on the ground and pound with your ass until your jumping bowels are hitting your brain so much that you start to experience a slight epileptic seizure. Serve on a garden hoe with a Hilton-sized IQ. If a garden hoe with a Hilton-sized IQ is not available, serve on a brain dead rake. If a brain dead rake is not availabe, just serve on a Kardashian.

via Crunk + Disorderly

I don't usually cover football or sports shit (the golden kind not included) here at Dlisted unless the story's main character is BULGE, but this story molested its way into my inbox so many times and so I took that as a sign. Besides, that picture has a buffet of man bulge (that bulge on the far left looks like a sack of fingerling potatoes and I've got the cream if he's ready to mash), so technically I'm within the guidelines.

In case you didn't already know from the trickle of candle wax and tears dripping down the sidewalk in front of your window from Penn State students holding a morning mourning vigil, Joe Paterno, the ex football coach who touched many lives and later got fired for turning his eyes to little boys getting touched, died from cancer at the age of 85 today. Joe's family released this statement about his death to ESPN:

"He died as he lived. He fought hard until the end, stayed positive, thought only of others and constantly reminded everyone of how blessed his life had been. His ambitions were far reaching, but he never believed he had to leave this Happy Valley to achieve them. He was a man devoted to his family, his university, his players and his community."

"Devoted to his community"? I don't think they mean what they think they mean.

And I know today is like pre-cum Super Bowl day or something, but the real entertainment is going down on your Facebook feed right now. Pop the Jiffy Pop and watch as your friends go after each other over this. Half are like "A LEGEND HAS DIED!!!!!!" and the other half are like "Yeah, a legend who is now in heaven ignoring the rape of boy angels." It's a $10 million Snickers commercial away from being the Super Bowl of Facebook brawls.

The must-have phone of the 80s: the clear phone! If you grew up in the 80s, then the clear phone was probably on your birthday, Christmas, 8th grade graduation or inaugural menstrual celebration list at one point or another. It was a vibrator for your ears and everybody had to have one. And it lit up! If your best friend had a clear phone and you didn't, you'd willingly ruin your friendship with them by stealing it. (But eventually, you'd willingly ruin your friendship with them by fucking their boyfriend on their daybed, so you did the right thing. Your friendship with them was doomed to end since you're a thief and a slut.)

My mom didn't think I was old enough for my own phone in the 80s, so I had to wait until the early 90s to get a clear phone when it was already over. But I didn't care. I also didn't care that my mom didn't get me the official clear phone from Spencer's Gifts and got me a piece of trash knock-off clear phone from the swap meet instead. It was never worked and was a piece of shit, but not your regular piece of shit. It's like if you saw a regular piece of shit on the street, you'd just say "That's a piece of shit!" and keep walking. But if you saw a clear piece of shit, you'd be hypnotized by it for a second, because you'd get to see all of the inner workings that make it a piece of shit.

I don't know where my clear phone is today, but wherever it is, I'm sure it's entertaining the eyes of many by being a dazzling piece of shit. I hope it never changes.

Linda Blair (52)
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Christopher Masterson (32)
Balthazar Getty (37)
Gabriel Macht (40)
Olivia d'Abo (43)
Guy Fieri (44)
Steven Adler (47)
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Jim Jarmusch (59)
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