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This is Kaia Gerber and thanks to a whole lot of hard work, determination and tirelessly showing up to go-see after go-see, she has finally landed an ad campaign for Versace Kids. Oh, erase that first part. What I really mean is that Kaia was born out of the correct vagina and is one of the only kids on earth who doesn't cry for Lord Jesus to save them when Donatella Versace rides onto the set in a chariot made from the bones of the children who crossed her. So Kaia got the job!

Kaia, who is what you get when Cindy Crawford and Rande Gerber mate, makes her modeling debut in the Versace Kids campaign, and Donatella said in a press release that Kaia did so well that not once did she think of sucking the youthful innocence out of that child to feed the dark organ of death in her chest:

"Like her mother, Kaia has a very special gift. The camera really, really loves her. Having Cindy on-set for the shoot took me back to all the amazing Avedon shoots we worked on together. It was such a special treat watching Kaia walk in her mother's footsteps!"

First of all, I'd grab a vat of holy water and throw it at Donatella's face if she put socks AND sandals on my child's feet. Socks and sandals are only okay if you're a Riverside County frat boy going to the liquor store to buy Red Bull and chewing tobacco.

Second of all, I suffered through HOURS (like 8) of Barbizon lessons and do you see "Young Versace ad campaign" in my modeling resume that doesn't exist?! This makes sense, though. Barbizon was a BarbiJOKE. Case in point: The highlight of any Barbizon class was going to 7-Eleven for a snack. We'd take a break from learning how to do the "bite the sunglasses" pose (like this) and we'd go to 7-Eleven. We were all kids with $2 in our hands so we'd all buy candy. Then we'd sit on the curb and eat the candy in front of our professional modeling teachers. And not ONCE did these supposed professional modeling teachers tell us to immediately barf out that candy in the toilet. See, a total joke of a modeling school.

Who knew that some people would actually be offended by Marky Mark implying that the passengers on the 9/11 planes were fawkin' pussy queeahs and didn't have the red third nipple of courage to kill the terrorists like he does? Tons of people were not amused, including the families of the victims, and so Marky Mark's sort of kind of apologizing through TMZ for hurting all yooz rehatd's feelings.

"To speculate about such a situation is ridiculous to begin with. I deeply apologize to the families of the victims that my answer came off as insensitive, it was certainly not my intention."

Marky's publicist, or who ever wrote that shit, should keep it in a file. Because they're going to need it when Marky tells Douche's Journal if that if he was on the Costa Concordia cruise ship, he would've punched that rock into dust and used his extra full long nuts to paddle the ship to safety. PAH!

Michael Fassbender does the "Please don't go, your genitals are all I need. I'll order pancakes." pose on The Hollywood Reporter - Just Jared

Somewhere someone is making a copy of Josh Hutcherson's drivers license (see pic #5) to use it to get into exclusivo Hollywood events (and Vanessa Hudgens' pants, again) - Lainey Gossip

Charlotte Ross must have been lying in an oxygen tank full of silica gel packages for the past 5 years, because she is all kinds of well preserved - Hollywood Tuna

You can practically cut the sexual tension between Anthony Bourdain and Paula Deen with a butter knife - Celebitchy

How to successfully smuggle an 8-ball in your ass crack: Be Courtney Love in a short skirt, because that'll make any TSA agent throw up their hands while saying, "I'm good." - The Superficial

Easy for Nick Jonas to say, he's the only straight one - Towleroad

I don't know what kind of creatures are clinging to Megan Fox's boots, but we still need to start a fund to save them - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

My mom wore this outfit better when she picked me up from school one day in 1986 - Popoholic

Scraping five layers of orange lead paint off of Snooki's face actually made her look semi-human - ICYDK

Thor put a baby in Tacky Pataky - I'm Not Obsessed

SOPA explained with help from a koala-humping goat and Oprah - The Daily What

Rosie O'Donnell also forget to mention that Tommy Girl is not gay, because he likes to go to ice cream shops since gay people never go there - Videogum

RiRi looks like her torso is getting suffocated by gigantic spoons - Popsugar

Panty Creamer of the Day (smells like an old cheeseburger and linoleum dirt): The Hoff in overalls - Hollywood Rag

The bad news for Mischa Barton is that Rachel Bilson kind of dissed her ass. But the good news for Mischa Barton is that somebody actually said her name! - SOW

In Out Magazine's Love Issue, Doogie Howser cuts open the veins in his beating heart and spills out the story of how he immediately started seeing hearts seconds after meeting his now fiancé David Burtka. I read the entire thing and even with lines like "He's my lifeline, in an amazing way. Without him, I can't breathe" and "I was in love with him before he was comfortable saying it" sending a quiet awww from my eyes to the bitter mound of rotten sloth meat in my chest, I still wanted NPH to tell me about their drunken fights at 3am.

It's like one of my friends was farting on and on about how much she loves her boyfriend and blah queef blah blah blah queef blah. My gag reflex can handle a lot of things (wink wink, call me), but one thing it can't handle is hearing about her perfect package of sweet true love. SICK! I am not the one for that. But I am the one to talk to after you and you boyfriend get into a whiskey-fueled fight in front of a bar over some random slut he might have smiled at. That's the kind of shit my soul wants to deepthroat.

But if you're not permanently living in a fart bubble of bitterness like I am, you really should read NPH's love story and you'll probably get Diabetes from it ("Novo, y'all!" - Paula Deen). You know it's for real love when NPH lets David kiss him on the adam's apple. ON THE ADAM'S APPLE! I wouldn't even let Prince Hot Ginge's peen kiss me on the adam's apple. That is truly my HELL NO spot. There's this little ditch on my adam's apple and whenever I touch it, a shot of ewwww crawls up my spine like I just looked at those Ke$ha nudes again.

Heather Locklear may or may not be in rehab right now after swallowing a death cocktail of various pills & booze, and Star Magazine says she slipped into a whirlpool of woe because of a fight she had with her ex-fiance Jack Wagner. File this under: Why didn't these hos save the fighting shit for the Melrose Place reunion in 10 years?

A few days before Heather's overdose, she brawled with Jack on the driveway of her house in Sherman Oaks. Jack showed up to get a few things he left at her house and they immediately started arguing. Jack said some stuff about her family, Heather said some stuff about his family and all that led to him pushing her. Amanda Woodward is never the one, so she knocked him to the ground by punching him in the face. Before the cops arrived, Heather snatched up Jack's dog, threw it into the car and drove away from the scene. And this is where a thick layer of confusion swept over me, because Star then says that Heather did talk to the cops and told them she didn't want to press charges.

Locklear quickly fled, but not before grabbing Jack's dog and putting it in the car.

According to Star's source, the drama didn't end there. The police arrived and after speaking to them both they realized the gash across Wagner's face was caused in self defense. "Heather didn't want to press charges, so she left."

So Jack showed up to Heather's house, they got into a fight, he pushed her, she punched him, she dognapped his dog, the police came a runnin', she came back, she said she didn't want to press charges, Jack didn't say anything even though he got punched in the face and then she left again? Let me guess, the name of Star's source rhymes with Feather Cocklear and they left out all the drunk burps she made while telling them her side of this mess.

Heather, slowly move your lips away from the bottle and hand it to me. I can drunkenly write incoherent gibberish for the both of us.

It's a good thing for terrorists that this generation's Chuck Norris, Marky Mark, didn't get on one of those planes as his ass was scheduled to, because if he did then 9/11 would've never happened.

In between talking about how he's a good Catholic boy who doesn't jack off (Tip: You can stop right here, because that explains everything.), Marky Mark bragged to Men's Journal that IF he was on Flight 93, he would've served up a funky bunch of American justice right in the faces of those terrorists and landed the plane safely while soothing all the passengers (who did nothing, obviously) with an acoustic version of "Wild Side."

The bald eagle has stopped letting out a "Never Forget" tear for a quick second to laugh at the shit that came out of Marky's mouth:

"If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn’t have went down like it did. There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, 'OK, we’re going to land somewhere safely, don’t worry.'"

The words "THIS BITCH" are permanently embedded onto my retinas, because that's the only thing that blinked in front of me after I finished reading that quote. We shouldn't laugh at Marky, though. Marky once blinded a Vietnamese man in the eye with a metal hook for no reason, so he's capable of anything. Marky would've stunned the terrorists with his dramatic monologue from Three Kings, and then knocked those box cutters out of their hands with his third nipple before blowing them out of the plane door with his Funky Bunch thrust. Then Marky would've turned to the imaginary camera that follows him everywhere and said America's newest motto: "Say hello to the debul for me."

Or Marky would've made those terrorists bleed through their eyes by showing his movie Rock Star in the first class cabin.

Marky Mark does't act in action movies, he LIVES in action movies and I hope that nobody ever yells "Cut!" on his ass, because what comes out of his mouth is gold-plated shit soup for my soul.

Answering "yes" to the question "Is the dick so good that it makes you want to double slap yourself?" is one thing. But answering "yes" to the question "Is the dick so good that you're willing to get triple punched into the E.R.?" is another.

UsWeekly has echoed (see: copy and pasted) CDAN's blind item about how RiRi is eating the cake again, Anna Mae, by hopping on the pool noodle dick attached to the rage-stuffed ass roid who Ike Turnered her in the eye several times.

Some "music industry insider" tells UsWeekly that RiRi's coochie found lust on a hopeless ass again and it's been going on for about a year.

"She comes to see him anytime she's in L.A. They can't get enough of each other. I don't see it ending well. Rihanna loves to live dangerously, and talking to and hooking up with Chris is all part of that."

Chris Brown's spokeswhore punched the letters L, I and E into this story and claim that he's not stepping out on his girlfriend Karrueche Tran. But the L.A. Times recently put their magnifying glass to a few Tweets from RiRi. RiRi Twatted this mess right after pics of Chris with his piece spending New Year's together came out:

How can you lie to her, while u lay with me???.....If you don't have an answer, you don't have to answer.

That Tweet is a wreck and doesn't have an ounce of sense on it, so it's probably just a lyric to one of RiRi's songs. But if UsWeekly and CDAN are right, then I hope that all those huge ass blunts RiRi is getting baked on in Hawaii will erase the part of her brain that is telling her Chris Brown's dangerous dick is crack and her pussy is Pete Doherty. Weed don't fail us now!

Radar started digging a grave in the Hollywood Relationship Cemetery for Vanessa Paradis and Johnny Depp's relationship a couple of weeks ago when they reported that V and J are no longer rubbing their greasy, dirty, cheese-covered parts on each other. (What's really sad is that when Vanessa and Johnny rub on each other, their bodies churn out a gourmet ball of French American cheese jelly that is best enjoyed on a slice of stale bread with a glass of red table wine.) Well, People Magazine just jumped into their tractor and dug a bigger hole in VaJohnny's grave, because they say on their cover this week that the love between Vanessa and Johnny is flatlining.

People's sources say that Vanessa, Johnny and and their two chirruns used to live a simple family life in a small town in the South of France. You know, they'd skip around in berets all day and then spend their evenings baking baguettes on the wood burning fireplace in their 18th century chateau while reciting the works of famous French poet Pepe Le Pew. Charming shit like that. But not anymore. The family spends most of their time in L.A. now and Johnny and Vanessa are hardly ever together. People doesn't really spit any details on their website (you have to flip through it at Barnes & Noble if you want to know more), but their source says that after 14 years, it's all but done.

People Magazine is usually the voice of the publicist, so when they go rogue, it has to be true. This doesn't really leave me with the sads inside. The bar on Hollywood relationships is so low that Lucifer is using it as a butt dildo, so 14 years is FOREVER in Hollywood years. It does kind of suck, though, that the image of Johnny sticking his tip into Vanessa's ultra wide teeth gap is no longer relevant. Vanessa's nights are so not going to be the same without hearing Johnny give her that dirty talk like, "Tell me you want me to finger that gap, pute!"

Cindy Barshop, formerly of The Real Housewives of New York City and currently of The Real Asswipes of Old Douche City, has come up with the perfectly pointless thing for rich ladies who have always wanted to know what it feels like to have the coochie of a fox. For just $220+, Cindy's team at her waxing salon Completely Bare will give you the newborn by waxing your punane until every part of it is touching air and then they'll warm it up with a vagina wig made from real fox fur. It's like a fur coat for your cooter and you it's so luxurious that you won't even care that after a long August day your crotch will smell like a herring taking a bath in a bowl of butt sweat at the bottom of a used bunny cage.

TMZ says that Completely Bare also offers a feathered merkin and the fur one comes in a bunch of colors including pink.

As my abuelita used to say, "Usted haga lo que quieras con tu chocha a y que voy a hacer lo que quiero con mi chocha." (Okay, she never said that, but I wish she would've said that.) It's your vagina, but do you really want a dead fox lying on your naked beaver? Mother Nature just punched the tears out of her eyes. Besides, that hot pink patch of furry fug looks like the scalped head of a troll doll. If you really want to see a troll doll going down on you when you look at your crotch, just get yourself a troll doll vibrator! Damn.

And PETA doesn't have to worry about throwing red paint on all the fox fur merkins out there, because the wearer's pussy will do it for them on a monthly basis.

Was anyone REALLY surprised when they saw what showed up on Brit Brit's colonoscopy? - nili

Runners-up:

Animal Rights groups were ecstatic when Nicole Ritchie and Parisite Hilton volunteered for the "I'd rather suffocate than eat meat!" campaign. - jalynne

Up until now I thought it was just an urban myth about what you will find between the mattress and box springs at the Exacalibur in Vegas. - citizenstrange

via Flavorwire