Archives

Masochist vegans who are members of the We Hate Simon Cowell Facebook group have never been more turned on.

Simon Cowell's deflated man tits look like a plate of poorly pounded chicken paillard sloppily breaded in stale rye breadcrumbs, but he's not letting their sad and defeated attitude get to him while he lives the glamorous life on a yacht in St. Barts with his fiancee and ex-girlfriend. While you're in your cubicle eating around the rotten parts of a banana left in the back of your office refrigerator, rich ass Simon and his friends are playing with those bananas for fun! To rich bored bitches, bananas are toys! But on a sad note, I bet this is making Ryan Seacrest wipe a single tear on his OshKosh B'Gosh undershirt, because it wasn't too long ago when the only fruit Simon liked to play with was him. :(

Meanwhile, thousands of miles away in Los Angeles, Paula Abdul is having a deep conversation on her banana phone while a pear transcribes the conversation on a slice of jicama.

Brad Pitt's hair looks almost Fabio-ian on the cover of W Magazine. Or maybe it looks almost JodieFoster-ian? - Lainey Gossip

50 Cent is the DOUCHE percent - The Berry

I think this is the first time I've seen a bunny make a FML face and rightly so - Hollywood Tuna

And yet this dead bride still looks a billion times more authentically happy than Kim Kardashian on her faux wedding day - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

CALLING TIM PEELER! CALLING TIM PEELER! Your long-lost Sasquatch soulmate has been spotted working as a Khloe Kardashian look-alike at a strip club in DC - Celebitchy

Tila Tequila wants to become Tila Slivotiz - The Superficial

The Beyonce horsefly looks like a Kardashian horsefly to me. I mean, fat golden shower ass? - Towleroad

Please tell me Daniel Craig's new SoHo apartment is on Bond Street - ICYDK

Leonardo DiCatchAHo's latest piece is totally wearing a jacket that used to be a sleeping bag - Popoholic

If each one of the ladies of the Critics Choice Awards said "I'm wearing a dress by BORING and shoes by Unisom" when asked what they're wearing, they'd totally be telling the truth - Popsugar

Despite wearing a wetsuit, Lindsay Lohan looks like water hasn't touched her skin in a long minute - Just Jared

But can Eva Green eat a fence through an apple (or however that saying goes) like Vanessa Paradis can? - IDLYITW

TEBOWIE! - ICYDK

How is possible for Posh to be carrying a baby that weighs more than her ass? - SOW

When pandas cut their bamboo with weed - Cityrag

Toni Braxton's Lupus flare up put her back in the hospital - I'm Not Obsessed

Dolly Parton's face doesn't belong to nature anymore, but she's still got it! - Hollywood Rag

Before your ass even asks, yes, this is what my family gatherings look like. And yes, the hot piece in the blue-kini is playing the part of my drunk tia. But unlike the hot piece in the blue-kini, my drunk tia keeps sexy posing through the concussion. Tip of the day: Never let anything press pause on your sexy posing, even a brain hemorrhage.

And thankfully, no sexy posing tias were fatally harmed in the making of this video.

via SayOMG

In case you're wondering, a 5-second-long marriage to a drug counselor can't survive a honeymoon at the crackhouse, an overdose and hate from "evil" Irish journalists. Not even butt fucking until your rectum rips like a picture of the Pope can fix all of that. Sinead O'Connor wrote on her website last night that her marriage to Tenhead McHateDrugs is completely over this time and the only companion she needs in her life is an anal balloon pump. Here's a piece of what Sinead wrote:

Ireland is a very fucked up country. Certain sections of our media are pure evil. These people, along with others caused enormous damage deliberately and maliciously to my innocent flower of a husband, purely because he was with me. And so his association with me became something very bad for his life. And slowly since we were married I became very ill as result of what was done to my husband and i was unable to cope. And became depressed..

The behaviour of one particular paper resulted in very serious damage to my husband and myself personally and consequently made the marriage untenable so that it is now over and I hope the media will kindly leave the poor man alone to get on with his life.

I will never again associate myself romantically with anyone as I could not bear to see these things done again to someone I love.

I have been told by the one paper who tried to destroy my husbands job that it is entirely my fault they did as I don't just shut up and sing.

Well guys.. I'm gonna be me. And if anyone doesn't like that they can seek therapy. Because I am wonderful. Exactly as I am. As Bridget Jones would say. And I shall continue being me. If being me means certain Irish media will try to destroy my romantic life.. So be it.. I have ten fingers and a number of toys (not really the toys.. But need them now so maybe u cud all post me some!)

Sinead also wrote that she's taking her meds again and a psychiatrist told her that she's not bi-polar. So the ex Mr. O'Connor can go back to his pre-Sinead world and every now and again think about how he helped her realize that the brown in difficult brown is really the Irish media. But for real, who knew the Irish media was that damn gangsta. Those bitches can destroy marriages and ruin lives in just a couple of weeks. Hmmm. Can't they remove their shank from Sinead and point it toward something that's actually made of pure evil. You know, like the Kardashians. It's the least Ireland can do for giving us Bono. We'll call it even!

The news the butter and sugar industries didn't want to believe was coming but knew was coming has finally came in a swarm of flying Truvia packets. After months of rumors, our butter messiah Paula Deen is about to announce that she's been diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes. That sound you hear is butter-thirsty Norwegians diving into the butter lake in the underground cavern under Paula's house. Shortly after the news broke, the sugar industry issued this official response:

One would expect Paula to handle this news by punching the Land O' Lakes Girl in the face before kneeing King Ding Dong in the ding dong, but apparently she's turning her 'beeties into MONAY! The Daily says that Paula has quietly worked out a multimillion dollar deal with Novartis, the drug she's currently taking for her diabetes, to be their new spokesperson. Paula is expected to announce this any day now. A source also says that Paula will probably change the way she cooks and the days of making deep fried chocolate noodles with creamed cheesecake sauce are behind her.

This just makes me want to weep salty tears on a bar of butter before deep throating it, but how can I eat a bar of butter if our butter queen can't?! Paula is going to have to trade her morning cup of sugar with a splash of coffee for a morning cup of Stevie with a splash of green tea. What is going on? If next you tell me that Sandra Lee has joined AA and has vowed to start making edible food, I'm going to impale myself on Guy Fieri's head.

"There's a taxi waiting outside for you, sweetie" is the line that slipped off of George Clooney's tongue to Stacy Keibler at the Critics Choice Awards in L.A. last night after Brad Pitt hobbled in saint-less. It was a brodate at the CCAs! Just look at those pictures of Brad making the silver hairs in George's ears quiver by whispering into it. Try to tell me that Brad and George's chemistry is not shooting an Atlantic Starr into your head.

Anyway, Brad showed up alone last night, because Angie Jolie was off doing a live web chat with Marie Claire to promote In the Blood and Honey (click here to see the live chat with a cameo by Maddox...sort of). During the Q&A, Angie confessed that right before her first day of directing, she slowly melted down in the shower like Jennifer Aniston when she finds out that she's out of uncooked cookie dough-scented body wash.

"I had a complete emotional breakdown in the shower and Brad found me crying. I felt this huge responsibility and I felt very small. 'Who am I to take this on?'

I didn't plan to become a director, and I still have trouble saying I'm a director. I just wanted to tell this story and I ended up by default being the director. It was a pleasure, but I wonder if it would be a pleasure with another cast and crew, and a subject matter that wasn't so special."

Oh, please. The real reason Angie shriveled into a puddle of frightened emotions and almost slipped down the drain is because a drop of Suave Strawberry Smoothie shampoo accidentally fell in her mouth and eating the extra calories scared her. Angie didn't feel small. She felt HUUUUUGEEEEE! But seriously, Angie's shower time breakdown got Brad Pitt into the shower finally, so it's a good thing it happened. The next time the Pig-Pen in your life refuses to bathe, just have a mental breakdown in the shower and he'll come running to your rescue before he realizes you're about to drop a soap bomb on him.

ABC has chopped up Cynthia McFadden's interview with Madge and has sold it off in parts to Nightline (aired last night), Good Morning America (aired today) and 20/20 (airing tonight), and so the quotes are slowly trickling out like water torture. On Nightline last night, Madge kicked CaCa's tuck out again by saying "Born This Way" sounds "reductive." This bitch really used the word reductive like she's a spelling bee judge or some shit. Like she was helping Lourdes with some English homework that afternoon and barely learned the word. The way she said it too. Madge said it while smugly patting her smart gene. By the way, "reductive" basically means "simple" in pretentiouscuntanese. Moving on....

Cynthia also brought up the fact Madge's last piece Baby Jesus was only ten seconds out of the manger and her new piece Baby Brahim still has his mother's womb jelly stuck up in his ass crack. Cynthia asked Madge why she's always spreading her cougar coochie on boy toys who haven't yet mastered the art of lifting up the toilet seat before taking a pee pee.

"I didn’t choose to, you know, I didn’t, like, write down on a piece of paper I’m now going to have a relationship with a younger man. That’s just what happened. You see, that’s the romantic in me. I just met someone that I cared for, and this happened to be his age.”

"I didn't choose to"? To quote everybody who stands in front of Kim Kardashian before she opens her mouth to say something: NOW YOU KNOW THAT'S A LIE! After being with a dude (Guy Ritchie) who didn't keep his mouth shut, Madge likes to be the one holding the whip in a relationship and so she chooses fuck pieces who will gladly hand the deed to their ballsacks to her and won't curse back because they can barely speak English! No hate from me. I guess when you're around a bunch of bitches who will do everything you say all day, you just want to go home and surround yourself with a bunch of bitches who will do everything you say all night. Makes sense!

Here's the full interview from Nightline last night and I sort of love that 24-year-old Brahim refuses to massage her centaur hooves. I'm sure Brahim won't make that mistake again after Madge punished him by ordering her henchman to cut off his auntie's feet and deliver them to her on a platter:

And will somebody let Madge know that we already have one Dowager Countess of Grantham and we don't need another, so she can finally quit the Downton Abbey act.

Steven Soderbergh's Magic Mike isn't coming out in theaters equipped with plastic-wrapped seats and popcorn butter that can double as lube until June, but they're already pushing out stills to keep nipples hard and panty cream churning until the summer.

Entertainment Weekly put out those pictures of Channing Tatum (that's Carol O'Neal to you and me), Alex Pettyfer, Adam Rodriguez and Matt Boner flexing their cum gutters as male strippers. One thing I've learned from these pictures is that I ain't shit, because I should've went to nipple waxing school and gotten a job as the head man hair puller on this movie. These dudes are as hairless as a baby worm's pussy. Living The Life is dipping Adam Rodriguez in a tub of NADS and wrapping him in a cocoon of wax strips before pulling that shit off fast. Then I'd carefully pluck each hair off the strips, wash them all off and knit them into a g-string onesie for me to wear around the house. That's not creepy. It's called BEING GREEN! Damn me to hell for not coming up with this sooner.

And I know we've only seen like two or three pictures from this no-no puckering mess, but it sort of does look like the dude version of Showgirls. Showguys! Steven Sodbergh better not disappoint and he better include a scene where Matt pushes Alex down the stairs and Channing rides Matthew McConaughey's dick in a pool while flopping around like a Beverly Hills mermaid having a seizure.

Justin, please can you show us on the doll where Selena touched you? - charlib21

Runners-up:

Funny...I always thought he sang out of his ass. - JazzyJane

Homo arigato, Mr. Roboto - ISprainedMyUvula

Bieber educates a fan regarding the Kennedy Assination: "Back, and to the left. Back, and to the left. Back, and to the left. Back...and to the left." - GingeMinge

via Splash

Victoria "Viki" Lord Gordon Riley Burke Buchanan Carpenter Davidson Banks (as played by six-time Emmy winner Erika Slezak) - An era ends today as One Life to Live takes its last breath before it's buried forever in the Underground City of Eterna after 44 years and over 11,000 hours of scripted foolery. It will be replaced by THIS. 2012 is really fucking us up early.

Erika became the reigning matriarch queen of OLTL in 1972 when she replaced Gillian Spencer as Viki and she's been choking out Dorian and plotting to kill bitches as her one of her other personalities Niki Smith ever since. OLTL is the only soap opera I watched regularly, because my mom watched it at work and it gave us some shit to talk about over the fried lard balls my abuelita cooked almost every night. Whenever I faked being sick to go home early from school before 1pm, I'd get my notebook out and takes several notes as Viki taught me how to look shocked when I find out that one of my alter personalities smothered my own father in 1976, how to look shocked when I find out that one of my twins' fathers is my rapist and how to look shocked when I find out that my husband's stalker faked her own death and then framed him for it. The list of "How To Look Shocked" goes on and on.

So rest in peace, OLTL. You lived your one life by spreading melodramatic theatrics all over the world and gifting us with the glamour of Asian Blair. But I'm not going to say rest in peace to Viki Lord, because I'm hoping that on the first episode of that Revolution bullshit, Viki and Erica Kane will run over Ty Pennington when they crash onto the set in a 1966 Thunderbird convertible.

And now I leave your asses with a quote from Erika on the death of OLTL:

"We were told the daytime audience doesn't want entertainment anymore and that they just want information. Well, that's the biggest load of bullshit. People always want entertainment."

YES! Entertainment like this:

I didn't have to sniff freon as a kid to get high (okay, I still did), because I had OLTL to give me acid flashbacks and hallucinations.