I was ready to devote this entire post to Madge trying to hide the zombie veins on her claws with some leftover gloves from Michael Jackson's "Bad" video, but then EVERYTHING changed when I came across this picture of a beautiful butterfly who fluttered off of Mimi's album cover and has now settled on the Madge side. That beautiful butterfly is Madge's publicist Liz Rosenberg (I think) and it's got me wondering why she's the publicist and that pinched plastic vampire piñata is the star. It should be the other way around, because a grown ass woman wearing some butterfly shit on her head outside of a rave or a children's birfday party needs publicizing!
There are a lot of reasons to hate living in this world (example: former Hot Slut Sandra Rinomato quitting Property Virgins!!!), but one reason to love living in this world is a woman matching her eyeshadow and phone to a butterfly headdress for the London premiere of her master's movie. I mean, an actual caterpillar spins a cocoon hoping it comes out as grand as Liz here. Now on to those gloves....
We all know Madge's hands could spook the One Ring out of Mount Doom, so I don't know why she's hiding that shit with those weird gloves. They ruin her entire ensemble. A cape that should only be worn by a vampire going to a swingers party does not go with gloves that should only be worn by a chorus member in an 80s musical about the Bloods. Madge should just let her Gollum hands hang out. Besides, how is Madge going to catch an English virgin to feast on later tonight with those slippery ass gloves on her hands?
So you're Jason Alexander and in the 90s you bathed in freshly printed hundred dollar bills that NBC gave you for starring in one of the biggest TV hits since It's A Living! (Yes, it was a gigantic hit. Ann Jillian was in it so all arguments are invalid.) Cut to present day, you're still Jason Alexander and you find yourself with a dead thirsty sloth on your head and an iPhone in your hand that you're using to grope the lizard balls on a 17-year-old medicated iguana goddess in a way too long skit for Funny or Die. My question is, do you tell yourself that Michael Richards doesn't have it so bad before or after you cut open your skull, remove your brain and dip it into liquid acid to erase the Courtmares smeared all over it?
Or maybe I'm totally wrong and George is actually into this in a "Why is something jumping up and down on your crotch underneath your trench coat, creepy dude on the subway?" kind of way. Now I'm the one who's going to need to de-courtmare my brain.
I'm looking at Amber Rose's outfit and the only thing I'm thinking is, "Prince would look so much hotter in that." - Hollywood Tuna
Stacy Kiebler is good at memorizing the lines from the script George Clooney's publicist gave her - Lainey Gossip
Did Nicholas Sparks and J. Crew co-art direct Channing Tatum's Details Magazine spread? - The Berry
Nice try, Katy Perry's mom, but Tim Tebow is obviously saving himself for ultimate Jesusite Justin Bieber - The Superficial
I will be severely disappointed with Madge if I put her new album on my tongue and it doesn't make me want to stick my ear on a bass speaker while sucking on a pacifier - Towleroad
SamRo and Vanessa Hudgens make a beautiful couple - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
Note to Angie Jolie, if you want to look like a serious director at your movie premiere, you should wear a beret and carry a megaphone - Celebitchy
CALL INSECT CONTROL! A gold praying mantis is attacking Kate Upton's body! - Popoholic
Ashton Kutcher continues his transformation into Charlie Sheen by getting the same haircut as him - Popsugar
Somewhere a poodle just looked at these pictures of Glamberace's boyfriend and barked at its groomer to give him that - Just Jared
RiRi covers Destiny's Child - OMG Blog
This is what a pre-plastic-faced Bruce Jenner would look like he dressed up in Scott Disick drag - I'm Not Obsessed
Brit Brit couldn't make it to the V Magazine photo shoot, so they used a cardboard cutout instead and I don't think anybody noticed - Hollywood Rag
Year of the baby sloth - Cityrag
It's all fun and games until an innocent and delicious ice cream ball goes splat on the floor - Videogum
And thanks again to Tina Fey for dropping Dlisted's name in an interview. Even though I'm part snake and shed my skin every day, wearing it is not recommended by the Surgeon General or the Health Department. (Thanks Urja!)
Why is everybody laughing while Atty completely loses his mind through his throat? It can't be natural for a pug to scream out Trace Cyruses' mating sounds or the sound Jessica Simpson makes when she's reached the bottom of Sizzler's bottomless fried shrimp or the sound of a chicken getting choked (Not a euphemism. I mean an actual chicken getting choked out). Get Atty a Ricola! Get Atty some salt water to gargle with! Get Atty a Q-tip to knock those stones off his tonsils! Get Atty an audition for the role of Eponine in the Les Miserables movie, because if Tom Hooper is actually considering Taylor Swift then...
The bill collectors must be shoving themselves through Ellen Kardashian's plumbing pipes to get into her house, because she's throwing up all the secrets she knows about the Kardashians to Star Magazine. First came Ellen's accusation that Khloe is not a Kardashian by blood and now she's saying that if you crawled into the back of Bruce Jenner's closet, you'd find a wardrobe fit for a night time queen. After a long day of getting his nuts twisted by the devil claw attached to Pimp Mama Kris, Bruce loves to wind down with a marabou boa around his neck and the size 15 heels he stole from Khloe's closet on his feet.
Ellen apparently heard from Bruce Jenner's ex-wife that when the lights go down and the bedroom door closes, he transforms himself into Brucella Jenner (and you know he looks better than Kris)! This is what came out of Ellen's mouth about Bruce's not-so-scandalous secret:
“'Of course Bruce was every woman’s heartthrob when he was that age, right? But Chrystie said, ‘Yeah, until I went on a trip and I came back and he had gone through all my clothes. And I found my bras… He’d clip them together and wear them.' I couldn’t live with that.
And Ellen went on, "No, I couldn't live with that. But I can totally live with telling everyone about it! Now, can I get those stack of hundreds you promised, because these bill collectors are totally up my ass! No, I mean that literally, because when I sat on the toilet this morning one of them crawled up there."
And I think it's about time that I show you what this Ellen Kardashian looks like:
Yeah, are you thinking what I'm thinking? Let me put our thoughts into picture form:
Dim your monitor, sit all the way back, tilt your head, squint your eyes and hold your breath until your brain becomes slightly dead (like a Kardashian!).... You see it, right? Bruce Jenner IS Ellen Kardashian. Ellen Kardashian IS Bruce Jenner. It all makes sense (but it only makes sense because your brain is slightly dead from holding your breath that long).
Wilmer Valderrama's got his eye on you, Chris Hansen.
The exit door to Mickey Mouse's rehab center for the teen stars he helped to screw up now has a regular fixture named Wilmer Valderrama in front of it. Wilmer is available for any damaged barely legal teen star who needs a 31-year-old nutsack to cry on ("...and while you're there" - Wilmer). Because E! News says that after humping on each other for about a year, 19-year-old Demi Lovato has taken her final ride on Wilmer's self-proclaimed XXL chalupa dick. Demi might've confirmed this highly important breaking news on Twitter when she turned into the Emo of Anistons by re-Tweeting a Marilyn Monroe quote before Tweeting a few words of encouragement for herself:
"A wise girl kisses but doesn't love, listens but doesn't believe, and leaves before she is left." Marilyn Monroe
The smartest thing a woman can ever learn, is to never need a man.
In other words, bitch got too old for Fez.
(Image via Pacific Coast News)
Olivier Martinez almost always looks like he's internally wrestling with whether or not he should break some really bad news to you like the insurgents kidnapped your entire family or he just smoked your entire stash, so I don't think I could wake up to that face every morning, but Halle Berry can. The company who sold an engagement ring to Olivier Martinez tells People that Halle is about to become somebody's wife for the third time in her 45 years on this planet. This will be Olivier's first marriage.
A rep for jooree designer Gurhan opened up their fat talk hole to say that Olivier gave Halle a diamond and emerald engagement ring after being together for more than a year.
END WELL: This isn't going to. Halle's divorce from David Justice left her in such a serious state of the sads that she almost gassed herself to death in her own garage (what's even more sad is that she was going to take her dogs with her). Halle's second husband Eric Benet was allegedly a chronic peen passer and his friends say that she was so crazy that they gave her the nickname of Scary Berry. And I can still stank smell the shit that was thrown around during Halle's custody battle with Gabriel Aubry. So yeah, if you think the hot piece from Unfaithful looks bad now, wait until you see what he looks like when this relationship sucks all of the hotness out of him.
But there is something Olivier can do to stop this. Every time Halle's natural craziness starts to poke out during a fight, Olivier should make the face he's making in the picture above. Halle will have no choice but to put the crazy on pause to ask, "What? What? Do you smell carbon monoxide? Did I fart without my butt knowing it? Did the rebels break in through an upstairs window to kidnap us all? Did dumb ass Timmy fall down the well again? Tell me! Tell me please!"
Suri Cruise has long been the reigning child princess of spoiled luxury and a jewel was added to her crown when she allegedly put together a $100,000 Christmas list, but that jewel has just been snatched away by 8-second-old Blue Ivy Carter. B.I.C. won't even roll out of her crib for a pile of $100,000 gifts. B.I.C. shits on $100,000. I mean that literally, because I'm sure her diapers are made of £50 notes. Britain's Star Magazine (via SS) says that Blue Ivy Carter is slobbering and barfing on the gaudiest shit Beyonce and Jay-Z's money can buy.
As the ATM tells you to fuck off when you try to take $10 out (like me, you know which ATMs spit out tens) for lunch today, think about Blue Ivy Carter rocking on a tacky ass horse that costs more than your house before you bite on a live electrical wire. This is the list of Veruca Salt-approved shit that's in Blue Ivy Carter's life:
A Swarovski-studded high chair by Carla Monchen - $15,000
A Fantasy Posh Tots Coach Carriage Crib - $22,000
A gold handmade rocking horse by Ginza Tanaka - $600,000
A windmill playhouse - $30,000
A lucite crib - $35000
The source adds that Blue Ivy already has a designer wardrobe worth thousands and a diamond rattle from Tiffany & Co. Beyonce and Jay-Z also spent $350,000 on cloning Blue Ivy's Manhattan nursery in their other homes. The daughter of the 1% has been born!
We should probably stage an OCCUPY BLUE IVY'S NURSERY protest, but I think it's best that we instead use our energies on sending good thoughts (and our live savings) to Suri during this difficult time. Suri is wearing this season Chanel heels and Blue Ivy is wearing NEXT season someshiticantevenpronounce booties. Suri has a full-time personal hairstylist who lives in her bathroom and Blue Ivy has a weave garden of grown women who are each growing their hair out just for her. Suri gets carried everywhere by humans since her feet are too precious to touch sidewalk and Blue Ivy is never going to even look at the sidewalk since she's going to travel around in a platinum-plated iHovercraft pod created by the late Steve Jobs. What I'm trying to say is that SURI CRUISE IS POOR!!! We should pray.
And this story gets 5 out of 5 Angry Suris.
Asking "Which Kuntrashian can you stomach the most?" is just like asking "Would you rather eat hyena diarrhea, armpit cheese or Ke$ha?", but most hos would probably say that they can take Khloe Kuntrashian (she's armpit cheese, by the way) the most. So because of this, many believe that Khloe does not have Kardashian blood running through her veins. Pimp Mama Kris has denied this a million times over, but Robert Kardashian's ex-wife and widow claim that he told them he was NOT the father. I don't know if I should be happy or sad that Maury's team is trying to get DNA swabs from Chewbacca, Ludo from Labyrinth, Chyna and Andre the Giant's corpse for a very special Kardashian episode for sweeps.
Jan Ashley married Robert Kardashian right after his marriage to Pimp Mama Kris shriveled into nothingness, and she tells Star Magazine that he confessed to her that he knew he wasn't Khloe's biological father.
"Khloe is not his kid -- he told me that after we got married. He just kind of looked at me and said [it] like it was a matter of fact. He said, 'Well, you know that Khloe's not really a Kardashian, don't you?' And I said…'OK,' and that was it."
Robert's widow, Ellen Kardashian, backs up Jan's ESCANDALOSO words. According to Ellen, Robert told her that he wasn't even dipping into Pimp Mama Kris' kunt maker at the time Khloe was conceived. Pimp Mama Kris even admitted in her book that she screwed around with a side piece named Ryan around the time Khloe was made. Jan lays it out like this:
"Khloe brought it up all the time. She looked nothing like the rest. She was tall, had a different shape, light hair, curly hair. Didn't look anything like the other three children. Robert did question the fact that Khloe was his. Any normal man would if they knew their wife had cheated on him. [But] he never would have considered a DNA test. He loved her very much."
DISCLAIMER: Ellen Kardashian filed for Chapter 7 in 2010 and lost her home to foreclosure this past October. So if you want to, you can file all of this under: Taking A Page From Pimp Mama Kris' Handbook On Shamelessly Whoring For Some Quick Coin.
It really doesn't matter at this point if Robert isn't Khloe's biological father or if she's the product of Pimp Mama Kris' wild night at a sex party in Narnia. The damage has already been done. The Karkrashian trifecta is complete and there's no going back. Besides, Robert Kardashian isn't Kim, Kourtney or Khloe's father anymore. After they drained the blood from their bodies and replaced their veins with water from the river of wailing, they became Lucifer's daughters! And by Lucifer I mean Ryan Seacrest.
And here's some pictures from last week of Khloe and Kim confusing the animals at the Dallas World Aquarium, because those two should be the ones in a cage.
Want to see the world through Brad Pitt's eyes? Well, now you can with "PittVision". - Opsat1
Justin Timberlake devised a stylish and clever way of staying awake during sex with that boring ass girlfriend of his. - perky
You still can't make me watch Whitney. - TFBuckFutter
Say what you will, but he's the one who will be laughing if the Three Stooges attack. - I am Legend