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While most celebwhores rang in the new year by burning their nipples on a hot beach somewhere, Jessica Simpson took her bought and paid for fiance Eric Whateverhisnameis off to Aspen for the holidays. When Jessica wasn't buying her bitch shiny baubles from fancy stores, the two were trying to stay away from Papa Joe who would crawl up in a St. Bernard costume to try to get her to drink from the barrel wrapped around his crotch. Papa Joe is never right.

You know, it looks like Jessica's chin poured gravy all over her neck before swallowing it up in one bite, and she is dressed like a Garanimal-loving toddler with a Snooki obsession, but I sort of like it. Ugh. Andre hangovers always make me a little nice in the heart, so blame it on that.

Celine Dion put this ethereal holiday portrait of her blessed family into the mouth of a white pigeon and sent it off to everyone at Caesar's Palace, where she's about to reign once again. This is pretty much how I pictured Celine and her family at bedtime. Celine caresses her lips with Bonne Bell frosted pink lip gloss and slides into a cloud of 10,000-thread count sheets before serenading Pepaw René, Rene-Charles, Baby Eddy and Baby Nelson off to dreamland. Pepaw René has to protect his fragile eyeballs with sunglasses since it's always so fucking blinding bright in there with all that damn white!

via HuffPo

CoCo knows, and so with the help of a Costco-sized jar of Crisco, a dozen sweat shop seamstresses and thread made from Kryptonite, she got into a dress that gave Roger Rabbit a double boner in the ears. CoCo's gown was full-length when she arrived at her New Year's Eve party with Ice-T in NYC last night, but she always underestimates the extreme power of her hongray hongray camel toe and didn't think it would bite at her dress and rip that shit in half. CoCo is still the epitome of elegance and grace, and her beauty never fails to gently cradle my hangover and rock it softly.

Chinese New Year isn't until February, but it's never too early to celebrate and pay tribute to the year of the rabbit. And by the year of the rabbit, I'm pretty sure the Chinese meant that 2011 is the YEAR OF JESSICA RABBIT! Duh. May your 2011 consist of: patty caking until you dry orgasm, puffing your chichis up to cartoon proportions and wearing purple opera gloves with every single outfit. Adjust your plans accordingly. Happy Year of Jessica Rabbit, everyone!

And let's get the red sequins foolery started by looking at pictures of people dressed up like 2011's new lord and savior:

Dedee Pfeiffer (47)
Eden Riegel (30)
Elin Nordegren (31)
Kate Levering (32)
Catherine McCormack (39)
Morris Chestnut (42)
Sophie Okonedo (42)
Verne Troyer (42)
Spencer Tunick (44)
Tina Landon (45)
Richard Roxburgh (49)
Grandmaster Flash (53)
Larry Clark (68)
Frank Langella (72)