Okay, okay, I'm the terrible one (carve that into my tombstone with Catherine Trammell's ice pick), because I took a quote from a highly personal Gwyneth Paltrow interview and twisted it around before shoving it back into her mouth. But it was so easy. The English language was created just so Fishsticks could utter the words "I'm terrible" and the ingredients were all there so I just had to. So what Fishy really told Good Housekeeping (via People) is that soon after her son Moses swam out of the egg she laid, she suffered a case of the postpartum blues and felt like a terrible person because of it.
Specifically, Fishy said she felt like a zombie. And not like one of those trashy American zombies from Dawn of the Dead. No, Fishy felt more like a refined BRITISH zombie who cares about their diet. Instead of mumbling out rude moans like "OOOOAAARRGGHH!!", they charmingly coo out something like, "CHEERIOOOOOAAARRGGHH!!" And they politely ask you if you're preservative-free before they sprinkle flax seeds on your brains and have one their servants neatly slice it into pieces so it goes down easy. Anyway, this is how Fishy explains it:
"I felt like a zombie. I couldn't access my heart. I couldn't access my emotions. I couldn't connect. It was terrible, it was the exact opposite of what had happened when Apple was born. With her, I was on cloud nine. I couldn't believe it wasn't the same. I just thought it meant I was a terrible mother and a terrible person.
About four months into it, Chris came to me and said, 'Something's wrong. Something's wrong.' I kept saying, 'No, no, I'm fine.' But Chris identified it, and that sort of burst the bubble. I thought postpartum depression meant you were sobbing every single day and incapable of looking after a child. But there are different shades of it and depths of it, which is why I think it's so important for women to talk about it. It was a trying time. I felt like a failure."
The baby sads is a real thing and no laughing matter, but I sort of know how Fishy felt. Whenever I cradle a Paltrow article with my eyes and stare deep into it, I immediately need to put it back in its crib and run to the garage to smoke a cigarette in the family car. Well, since I don't have a garage, I have to go into the bathroom, stuff a towel in the door crack and crawl into the tub for a nerve-numbing smoke.
And here's something Paltrow-related that definitely won't make you depressed:
Did I say "won't" make you depressed, I meant "WILL." So yeah, I'll meet you in the tub. Bring your own fucking light.
Vanity Fair is obviously trying to overtake Highlights as the #1 magazine of every pediatrician's office, because they have put the most famous lesbian toddler since Peppermint Patty on their cover! Something tells me this cover will be slobbered on more than Hugh Hefner's fiancee. The issue features a Bye Bye Bieber photo shoot as well as an interview sprinkled with quotes that remind all of us that he's only 16 going on 7. We all sounded like this at 16 when Vanity Fair interviewed us....
The Bieber goo goo and ga gas about how he should really be admitted into the nursery section of the nearest mental hospital, but he's okay with being crazy because most great musicians are (the great musicians of the world just violently shut the door to their clubhouse and padlocked that shit from the inside). Justin also admits that he suffers from insomnia and keeps the baby monitor in his nanny's room rocking all damn night. On to the Bieb:
On how a 5150 might be in his future: “I’m crazy, I’m nuts. Just the way my brain works. I’m not normal. I think differently—my mind is always racing. I’m just … nuts. But I think the best [musicians] probably are.”
On how he loves the voices of black artists but not because they're black artists: “Music is music, and I’m definitely influenced by Michael Jackson and Boyz II Men and people who were black artists—that’s what I like. But I like their voices and I like how they entertain—it’s not about what color they are.”
On how a trip to the nurse's office to lie down is not an option: “It’s hard to really balance myself. A regular kid, if he catches the flu, he just gets to go home. But I can’t do that…. Everything is important. But, you know, my sanity is important, too. Even if I’m angry, I’ll just put a smile on my face and fake it. I don’t often fake it—what’s me is me….I know I have to give up a lot of myself, or a lot of a private life.”
On how he's basically the main character in a Judy Blume novel: “I just turn over all night and think. My mind races. think about all the things I didn’t have time to think about during the day—like family and God and things that should be more important but you don’t have time to think about, because you just get caught up [in everything else] during the day.”
On how girls don't only like him because he's the biggest superstar in the world: “Not trying to be arrogant, but if I walked down the street and a girl saw me, she might take a look back because maybe I’m good-looking, right?”
You know, Vanity Fair should've saved the original Bieber for a supplement or something, and instead they should've done a cover story on 17-year-old Jamie Laou. Jamie is an Australian boy who has become Internet famous because he's basically Justin Bieber's doppelgayelle:
Yup, this just confirms what you've always known: the four horsemen don't wear helmets, they wear bowl cuts.
Let out a cougar yelp and toast to 2010's Mrs. Robinson, because 46-year-old Vivica Fox has announced to Page Six that her 27-year-old club promoter boyfriend of a year, Omar "Slimm" White, put an 8-karat diamond ring on her hitchin' finger at the Ritz Carlton in Miami during the holidays. Viv recently bragged that her baby marking parts are of the Duggar variety, so put on your catchers mitt, because she'll be popping BABIES!!!!! out of her seasoned chocha any day now.
In case you need an answer to the question, "Why would the star of Three Can Play At That Game marry a 27-year-old club promoter?", visit Sandra Rose to see a picture of Slimm with his best part out (you have to log-in over there to play). Dick so large that it'll make your hairline jump back to praise the lord. No wonder the sight of Viv's face is making you snap your fingers and patiently wait for her twin to show up so that they entertain you with song. Slimm's gut busting peen gave her that cat scratch fever and it's written all over her face.
No wonder why Taylor Momsen hates her parents...she was bottle fed. - Provolone
In his old age, everyone thought John Travolta would let his plugs and his beard go, and settle down with a nice bear. No one expected a raccoon. - LaChaylo
The pool of females willing to date Mel Gibson is beginning to dwindle. - kacky
If life throws you lemons, make lemonade.
If your raccoon accidentally eats Sandra Lee's Kwanzaa Cake, turn him into the world's only living farting bagpipe. - Emeriesan
Miss Viola Swamp, the meanest substitute teacher in the whole world and star of the Miss Nelson Is Missing!. When the ungrateful, chalk-burning asshole brats of Miss Nelson's class take their acts of terror to unmanageable levels, she jumps onto the JetBlue evacuation slide and temporarily quits that bitch. The children break out into a hood rat stuff cheer, but that is short-lived when the bitchiest bitch of a substitute teacher, Miss Viola Swamp, enters the classroom to whip the badness out of those little evilings. Miss Viola Swamp gives the kids twice as much homework and they soon learn that she really is not the one. Not today. Not ever.
The brats beg for the return of Miss Nelson and they go looking for her. A few days later, she shows up and the kids vow to never do bad shit again. And basically, we find out that Miss Viola Swamp was Miss Nelson in an Amy Winehouse mask.
Everybody needs a Miss Viola Swamp mask in their lives to keep brats in check at all times. A Miss Viola Swamp mask is the antidote to hood rat stuff. (Warning: This is where we enter the NC-17 section of my post) Although, don't wear that mask around me, because there's a good chance I'd jump on it and have a threesome. I mean, you can't tell me that Miss Viola Swamp's nose doesn't look like a swole peen (a swole peen with a case of HPV, but a swole peen nonetheless) and her chin could pass as a cone vibrator. Yeah, you can always count on me to drag all of us into the gutter.
With that said, VIVA MISS VIOLA SWAMP!
Charlyne Yi (25)
Erin Cahill (31)
Harmony Korine (38)
Yvan Attal (46)
Julia Ormond (46)
Beth Gibbons of Portishead (46)
Dave Foley (48)
Till Lindemann (48)
Patrick Cassidy (49)
Michael Stipe (51)
Julian Sands (53)
Patty Loveless (54)
Ann Magnuson (55)
Tina Knowles (57)
Dyan Cannon (74)
If Hemingway was locked in a tanning bed for 48 hours and then forced to write a novel on the back of a stained cocktail napkin from Karma while inhaling fumes from the house smoosh bed, it would read a lot like the excerpts from Snooki's soon-to-be Pulitzer Prize winning work of fiction: A SHORE THING. The New York Post has the excerpts and it's everything we could've hoped for AND MORE:
"He had an okay body. Not fat at all. And naturally toned abs. She could pour a shot of tequila down his belly and slurp it out of his navel without getting splashed in the face."
"Yum. Johnny Hulk tasted like fresh gorilla."
"Any juicehead will get some nut shrinkage. And bacne. They fly into a 'roid rage, it is a 'road' 'roid rage."
"I love food. I love drinking, boys, dancing until my feet swell. I love my family, my friends, my job, my boss. And I love my body, especially the badonk."
"Gia danced around a little, shaking her peaches for show. She shook it hard. Too hard. In the middle of a shimmy, her stomach cramped. A fart slipped out. A loud one. And stinky."
I'm pretty sure I've written that last one word for word on this blog before. Now I know what honor feels like. And I'm not going to pretend like I won't be reading Snooki's own "On the Road" this summer when I'm baking my nips on the roof of the Holiday Inn. Don't worry, I'll cover it with the jacket from a more respected novel. Like something by Jackie Collins. Or maybe I'll just wait for the movie version directed by Almodóvar and starring Penelope Cruz.
I was under the impression that England's finest rose Jodie Marsh was the only talented tailor who could create a stunning titty-apron-thing out of duct tape, coasters from Party City and a piece from Liberace's hammock. But I better slide out from under that impression, because I was wrong. JWoww, the stunning Jersey Shore nymph who is about as natural as a Chicken McNugget, has achieved the impossible: she has found a way of making the dickey look both dignified and practical. A feat that even Jodie Marsh has yet to conquer.
On New Year's Eve, most of us have to crawl, slide and roll down the long road of embarrassment to get to our final state of the night: half-naked with duct tape over our nipples. But JWoww cut out all the embarrassing shit and went straight for it. Whoever said that JWoww is a dumb whore with jacuzzi sludge for brains better take that hurtful shit back. The bitch has ideas! Sadly, the dumb whores at MTV don't agree with me.
UsWeekly says that they forced JWoww to cover up her elegance with a white blazer before their New Year's Eve Special went live. This is coming from a network that airs close-ups of The Situation's face without forewarning their viewers to proceed at their own discretion. MTV wouldn't know taste if it gave them genital warts.
And if you need something challenging to keep you occupied for the next few hours (or days), point out the most natural globes in this picture. Actually, I think that's a trick question.
Chloe Sevigny's hipster chichis in a bikini. But there's nachos involved and that's a selling point. (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather
Fishticks (typo and it stays here) Paltrow is going to don Dietrich brows in her next movie? FF to 2012 NOW! - Lainey Gossip
Demi Moore flaunts her iPhone-ready body for the real world - The Superficial
Snooki as a blonde - Hollywood Tuna
Since Elton John's luxury apartment is already crowded with his glasses and ego, his new baby will live next door - Towleroad
Even Photoshop's "humanize" tool can't take the Thundercat out of Kim Kardashian's face - The Berry
You've already seen err'body in a bikini so you might as well see Maria Menounos too - Popoholic
Jennifer Garner too - Popsugar
AND JLove - Just Jared
And AND Alessandra Ambrosiasalad - Celebslam
Everything's dying in Arkansas - TDW
Snooki drops - Celebitchy
Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds ate dinner together on New Year's Eve, which obviously means they are making babies and flipping through wedding magazines together - ICYDK
It's a new year, so Paula Abdul is once again reminding us that her liver is so clean you can eat noodles off of it - I'm Not Obsessed
Salma on a jet ski - Moe Jackson
RiRi wearing the Slut Dress' second cousin nobody ever talks about - Go Fug Yourself
Who pissed in Wonky's Valtrex? - Cityrag
Terrence Howard's new arch rival - Hollywood Rag
Traveling on an eight-seater Pegasus donated by Zeus himself, Brangelina and their gang of tiny deities paid visits to both Namibia and Missouri over the holidays. Between their travels, they even managed to write a $2 million check to a wildlife sanctuary. Brangie ended their goodwill holiday tour by chewing on pieces of teriyaki-glazed whoopie cushion (that's what that shit really tastes like) at Benihana in Beverly Hills. Well, Brad and the child army sank their teeth into beef while St. Angie carefully licked on a bell pepper (cut into the shape of a flower blossom) for about an hour straight.
You know, even though Benihana has been described as TOTAL TRASH, it's still one of my favorite "special occasion" restaurants. And the Benihana mug I stole from my mom as a child is still one of my most prized possessions. Dear future children of mine, This is what you're going to inherit:
It has so many uses: margarita cup, flower vase, ash tray, neti pot, bong....