If you've ever wanted to experience the sensation of a candy raver unicorn's cotton candy pubes brushing up against your eyeballs as the strawberry-scented fart of a Strawberry Shortcake doll trickles up your nostrils, then stare deep into Angelyne's crotch. If I was Willy Wonka, this is the part in the tour where I'd point at Angelyne's down low goodness and tell you that's where the gummy cream in a Spolshberry comes from.
When I was eyeball deep in tourists at the Colosseum in Rome on Monday afternoon, there was an absolutely stunning creature in head-to-toe leopard that could've been Angelyne's long-lost goddess sister. Bitch had a pug face and everything. This 50-something tower of pure elegance had a luscious mop of Clorox-ed hair that would leave bleach stains on your skin if you brushed up against it, a face that was so painted up that I don't think she's seen her natural skin in at least 30 years and an outfit that is definitely on an endangered species list. This woman was my EVERYTHING and has been the best part of my trip to Italy so far. I followed her everywhere and she gave me a show I'd gladly empty my checking account for.
This bitch made her daughter (or "younger sister" as my icon introduces her to strangers as) take pictures of her in every setting. She'd stick her ass out, put her hand on her hip and give it to the camera like she was in a Duran Duran video circa 1984. The Colosseum has never EVER seen a show like this in its history. I couldn't even tell you what the Colosseum looks like, because I was so hypnotized by this glamorous beauty. Who cares about the Colosseum, anyway! I can see that shit at Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas, right? I think the one in Las Vegas has a bar and is air-conditioned too. Why stare at a landmark of Italy that will be here forever when I can stare at the leopard twin sister of Angelyne? I'm still punching myself in the face (excuse me for a second, I have to punch myself in the face again) for not asking for a picture with her. That picture would've been glued to my tombstone and all my dead neighbors would've been so fucking jealous!
Yes, I am FULLY aware that this movie (The Devil Inside - kind of on the nose there, it opens Jan. 6) is going to be a huge, steaming pile of Kardashian. Who cares? I am one of those pinheads who falls for the marketing. If the trailer causes me to watch through my fingers and curse out whoever the sound guy was for the intensely real cracking of possessed people's joints a gristlin', I'm there! Yeah, I know they hired a circus contortionist (or that wrong-ass Courtney Stodden) to play a human bow for Satan. It doesn't make it any less WHAT THE FUCK? WHY ARE YOU PULLING THAT BLANKET BACK?
You give me bitches in (actual) knots, screaming mothers in Italian mental wards, blind nuns, and plenty of blood on the walls, and you shoot in tired POV - my ass is up at the Lowes!
Nothing's ever gonna beat Linda Blair doing the daddy long-legs down the staircase and making her Mom tongue-lash her age-inappropriate vagina, but you can't blame em' for trying.
Wait, isn't Michael K. in Italy? He better watch his slut ass or Beezlebub is going to be right up his b-hole of sin. And no, Beezlebub is not the name of the rent boy he was with last night.
Watch the totally NSFW red-band trailer for The Devil Inside below. Then hold me. Yes, I'm a pussy.
Rachel Uchitel, one of the chicks who's famous for doing down and dirty Ambien-induced ho shit with Tiger Woods, is pregnant and this time she thinks she knows who the father is! Or at least that's what she's telling her husband. TMZ reports that Rachel's developing crotch fruit should be ripe for the picking sometime in April. They did maths and came up with the date from Rachel's tweet with this pic and "Expecting big things for 2012... Five down, Four months to go." She married Matt Hahn, the only man on Earth who's never heard the old saying that you can't make a ho a housewife, in a secret ceremony in October. I wonder if the bride wore white? Hey, cum stains are white, so. Pristine.
So if the baby is due in April, and they of course saved sex for their wedding night (aaahahahhaha), this miraculous bebeh will only take 7 months to fully cook! Fast, just like momma. Someone should tell Matt that butt secks does not result in babies. No, on second thought don't, and let him love the little bundle of joy when he comes out with a lovely tan, looks suspiciously like the pool boy and has a propensity for speaking Spanish.
Congrats to the happy couple! And little one, hold out for a c-section. You don't want to slide down that.
It's often occurred to me that Victoria Jackson's whole "Right Wing conservative-helium-head-wacky bitch-conspiracy theorist" act MIGHT just be some sort of STUNT QUEEN performance art piece. It will all make sense one day at a low-budget indie theater near you (no parmesan to sprinkle on the popcorn and that homeless-looking person you figured for a university professor who left personal hygiene off the syllabus is actually homeless). There you'll watch Victoria's documentary on how she fooled America into thinking she was a ridiculous has-been who embarrasses even the Bachmanns, Perrys, and Santorums of the world with her crazy. Probably not, though.
The former SNL cast member has claimed that she recently had a six-hour meeting with the FBI in which she was privy to evidence that reveals America is being taken over by a radical "Muslim Brotherhood." Fucking that janitor with the security clearance has its privileges!
"I just went to a briefing in Washington DC, across the street from the Capitol, at the Longworth building at 8:30 am two days ago and it changed my life," Jackson said last week on her web show, "Politichicks." "For six hours, I saw pictures and names and dates and facts and Islamic law books and Korans, Surahs for six hours and they proved to me... that the Muslim Brotherhood has infiltrated our highest positions in government and this is serious."
The most chilling part of the meeting that probably took place entirely in Victoria's fool head? President Obama is behind all of this and we will all have to "convert or be killed'! The Huffington Post reports that Victoria didn't actually meet with the Feds. She actually met with an ex-FBI agent who got fired for soliciting funds for his own personal anti-terrorism group from a wealthy trial witness he was having an affair with. This meeting probably took place in a Subway after Victoria's shift was over.
The biggest question here is why in hell does she dress like Minnie Mouse's developmentally disabled sister?
(via The Huffington Post)
I said a HEY HEY HEY! Steven Tyler got engaged over the weekend and his family is unthrilled. Hasn't he put up with enough shit? A bathtub fucked him up, he endures Jennifer Lopez's "THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT ME!" side-eye shanks during American Idol time, and he's slowly transforming into Aughra from The Dark Crystal. Just let him be legendary, Tyler family! It's that Liv Tyler. Ever since she over-acted the shit out of stabbing that Rex Manning cut-out to death in Empire Records, I haven't been able to commune with her suspect ass.
Janice "The Muppet" Dickinson 's girlfriend Erin Brady was flashing a rock over the holiday during a vacation in Maui, and TMZ sez that his kids aren't feeling the joy. Erin is allegedly a giant cunt.
Sources connected to the Tyler clan tell us ... several family members have clashed with Erin Brady for years ... and have told friends, "She's just not nice."
One source tells us, "She's just been mean to the family."
How the fuck else are you supposed to ensure your millionaire fiance cuts off his family and leaves all his money to you? Send muffins? You throw shade at them, he asks why, and you get in his ear and tell him his family is a big Satanic cult trying to kill him, and that you're the only pure and true thing in his life. Then you put something in his toothpaste. Has no one seen Black Widow?
This is going to be Stevie's 3rd marriage, and his relatives are also miffed that he didn't let them know he was proposing. Note that he made sure his finger sparkle is bigger than what he gave her to wear on her digit. Call her MISS Tyler.
I love me some Steven Tyler. He reminds us of so many characters from pop culture with the mouth and the shady lady ragbag hippie outfits. He's like the physical embodiment of The Squiggle.
All is well in the world now that Marc Jacobs and his ex-fiance Lorenzo Martone are back to meticulously manicuring their pristine as fuck face beards together. Marc Jacobs took a ten second break from Lorenzo to break his brown sugar walls on the mole rat-sized dick of Brazilian fuck star Harry Louis, but he was struttin' his ass next to Lorenzo in St. Barts yesterday afternoon.
Marc and Lorenzo are in St. Barts with Chupa Zoe and Chupa Jr., and thank EVERYTHING for that. The people of St. Barts would throw themselves into the mouths of open sharks if they noticed that a soul-sucking demon beast was on the island, but they were too busy to notice because they were getting hypnotized by the flecks of glitter that spark off of Lorenzo and Marc when they wink at each other.
I'm not even mad at the fact that Marc's torso looks like the doodled-on book cover of a lonely 15-year-old girl who sits in a bathroom stall during lunch hour and thinks she's the reincarnation of Thora Birch's Ghost World character. Marc looks like the damn head coach of Lisa Frank's gymnast team.
This former A list female singer who has had a very crazy year has checked into rehab on three separate occasions this month. She has also checked herself out the very next day each time because she is afraid she will lose her current job if her current bosses find out. (CDAN)
The wild peroxide tumbleweave of drunk regrets that is Xtina? But you know, Snookitina shouldn't worry about getting dropped into the out box by the producers of The Voice. They hired that dehydrated talking frog Carson Daly, so they are obviously out of fucks to give, which means they probably wouldn't care if she dried the mess out of her system in rehab for a while.
Bitch just needs to hide a tube of life (aka red lipstick) on her body just in case her therapists in the tank think red lipstick is the root of all her foolery and confiscate all her tubes.
This former almost A list female singer who does not do too badly for herself in her other endeavors now, gave her boyfriend a certain amount of money she wanted him to spend on her for Christmas. She even told him what she wanted and when she was planning on displaying it on public. Not only did the boyfriend not get what she wanted him to get, he apparently pocketed about 85% of the funds she gave him for the present and says he should get it as a bonus for his efforts this year. (CDAN)
Jessica Simpson? But I'm sure Jessica's gold digging man piece already knows that when her knocked up ass starts to get heated up with anger, just pull out a caramel-covered pickle and watch as her eyes go black and her jaw unlocks before you throw that shit into the forest. By the time she comes back with mutilated pieces of caramel pickle on her lips, she would've completely forgotten what her ass was mad about.
This C List actor from a cable thriller recently got a tattoo in a very private area of his body. What did he get? A Lady Gaga tattoo. (BuzzFoto)
Please don't tell me Norman Reedus has a tattoo of Lady CaCa's face inside of his ass crack. But it's sort of poetic to have a CaCa tattoo right on top of your CaCa hole.
Crasher from GoBots: Basically Crasher, was the Pete Burns of cartoon characters - you kind of couldn't tell if she was a man or a woman, she wore too much make up (for a robot/car) and she went around screaming a lot. Also she liked stepping on things and would basically get off on destroying things. She was the first 80s character into S&M!
Sienna Miller (30)
David Archuleta (21)
Mackenzie Rosman (22)
Thomas Dekker (24)
Vanessa Ferlito (31)
Noomi Rapace (32)
John Legend (33)
Seth Meyers (38)
Malcolm Gets (47)
Joe Diffie (53)
Denzel Washington (57)
Gayle King (57)
Dame Maggie Smith (77)
Nichelle Nichols (79)
Stan Lee (89)
Okay, so I lied earlier. Get used to it. Lilo, in her infinate wisdom has maybe/reportedly/okay probably chosen her NYE desination. Ahlan!live has cast a huge shade of NO!! on the rumors that Lilo will stay home privately snorting and drinking her New Years Eve festivities. Lilo has reportedly signed on with Pam An, Allen Lamb and others to welcome the new year aboard a yacht that none of us poor mofos are welcome on to kick off New Year's Eve 2012.
Lilo, at one time I hoped the best for you. Now, you're just an embarrassment, much like that time in cheerleading when my dress flopped over my ass to show the away team my red pantaloons while I was on top of the pyramid. Just. Stop. But still, I never got paid for showing my pantaloons, which makes me wonder who is right. Damn you Lilo for making me doubt myself and my career path. I'm gonna roll another joint.
Thank you parissucksliterally