Archives

The bow blouse that graces Kim Richards' body on every episode of The Real Dynasty Rejects of Beverly Hills!

Episode after episode of RHOBH always features this shimmering sun-damaged spaz of a human Vicodin covered in the leftover pieces of fabric that was used to reupholster the love seat of an elderly Asian lady's sitting room. I just want to sit like a lady on Kim's torso and sip jasmine tea while playing Mahjong. What I'm trying to say is that the blouse is exquisite. The sparkly print is what the herpes sores on a unicorn's vagina look like.

Kim really wears this straitjacket blouse during every single one of her "confessionals" on every episode. I don't know if they just shot all her confessionals for the season at one time (they did) or if she only has one gorgeous blouse to wear since all of her clothes are in boxes, because she's always moving! Or maybe Kim always wears this bow blouse, because it cuts off the circulation to her brain and takes her mind on a hallucination journey way up to Witch Mountain where she's always young, beautiful and Mickey Mouse's favorite.

Kim's bow blouse is not as stunningly elegant as her pearl choker, but it comes close. If Kim keeps calling in WASTED to every event, the producers should just let this gorgeous bow blouse be her stand-in. It's her second skin. It's as special to her as her pointing finger is.

And I just have to talk about Kyle's White Party for a second. First of all, the real reason Russell Armstrong killed himself is probably because Kyle refused to let him into her stupid party after she couldn't get a hold of Taylor by phone (???). Second of all, I know Kyle spends most of our yearly salaries on putting together an illustrious event catered by Fatburger, but it always feels like a Section 8 version of Diddy's White Party to me. It's like, what is the point? They all show up in their finest Windsor Fashion gowns to eat cheeseburgers in Kyle's backyard. How dreadful. I wish Kim would've stumbled in wearing her signature BOW BLOUSE! One look at that bow blouse would've shocked all those bitches in white into getting their periods on the spot. Seriously, what that White Party needs is more period blood.

Lara Stone (28)
JoJo (21)
Anoop Desai (25)
Jonah Hill (28)
Lucy Pinder (28)
David Cook (29)
Ashley Cole (31)
Todd Phillips (41)
Chris Robinson (45)
Michael Badalucco (57)
Uri Gellar (65)
Dick Wolf (65)
Kathryn Joosten (72)

Warning: You might feel the sudden urge to strangle your Christmas tree, shit in your fireplace stockings and cancel Christmas this year after getting into these highly illegal pictures at Egotastic of the underage lizard goddess Courtney Stodden slithering all over her 51-year-old nightmare of a husband who dressed up as Santa Claus. I know, that picture was supposed to be your Christmas card pose and this bitch stole it from you.

Nothing says "Tis the season!" like a gross Santa with cotton dick brows sniffing on the illegal down low goods of a 17-year-old who looks like an iguana in Alexis Arquette drag. This kind of good Christian girl holiday behavior from Courtney is seriously making Jesus consider converting to Buddhism. It's okay, Jesus, just try to focus on the silver slivers of elegance on Courtney's rear claws and everything will be okay (no, it won't).

I swear, somebody really has to start a "Courtney & Doug staged photo shoot or porn stills?" Tumblr, because I can't even tell the difference anymore. And if your skin hasn't completely crawled off of your body to throw itself into the nearest fire, then strap it down, because it will after you click play on this video:

Why isn't a SWAT Team and a group of priests with vats of holy water swarming all over them?! They are disgusting, ridiculous, fucked up, perverted, shameless, dark-sided...and I can't get enough of them.

Whenever you start to think that nothing is possible, just remember that these two messes somehow made a baby together - Just Jared

And to think, it was only a few years ago that Casper Smart was driving a Big Wheel around the preschool playground - Lainey Gossip

KFed then went on to say, "And bitch STILL better have my money every month!" - Celebitchy

Wait, I thought all the male professors at NYU were giving James Franco only Bs and Js - The Superficial

I guess now is as good a time as any to get acquainted with Stephanie Seymour's crotch - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

Before all you ciggie haters cry about how this is the nastiest thing ScarJo has put in her mouth, I need to remind you that she once gargled on Sean Penn's prune sacks - Hollywood Tuna

Sarah Hyland's hair looks like it's eating her head - The Berry

These guys are TOO in love and my bitter old queen ass kept waiting for a kitten to maul them both - Towleroad

Paula Patton brings her curly belly button out for GQ - Popoholic

Where is the CTRL+ALT+DELETEWILLYANDKATE function when you really need it? - Popsugar

Corgi in a swing. The end. - OMG Blog

Girls have more shit to say - The Daily What

The waist on Kellan Lutz's piece has left me in a state of confusion - Hollywood Rag

Ashley Tisdale's first mistake of the day was choosing that outfit - Cityrag

JoJo still exists - I'm Not Obsessed

Xenu, please, Suri already has a pony and his name is Tommy Girl - Videogum

This isn't the first and it won't be the last time that Charlie Sheen's photographed with scared fish in his hand - SOW

Yes, two years ago and we're barely hearing about it now. Why didn't they tell us? Why didn't they sit us all down at the table in the kitchen and pour us a cup of hot cocoa with extra marshmallows before telling us that love is not a thing that lasts forever?! How could we not know? If we stalked Jessica Lange and Sam Shepard the same way we stalk those evil whores the Kuntrashians (or maybe, it's the Kuntrashians who stalk society, yeah that's it...), we wouldn't known this years ago. I blame us! But yeah, People brings us the news that made ever cherub stab themselves in the heart with their own arrow.

Actress Jessica Lange and her longtime partner, playwright and actor Sam Shepard, ended their relationship almost two years ago, PEOPLE has learned exclusively.

The couple, who have been together since 1982, have two children, Hannah and Samuel, together.

"They both are pursuing independent lives," says a source.

Lange, 62, who stars as Constance in FX's hit series, American Horror Story, was just nominated for a Golden Globe and Screen Actors Guild award.

If their love would've died inside of the house, then we all could've been together forever and ever!!!! (If you don't watch American Horror Story, then what I just typed made me sound creepier than usual. )

Since it was Stepford Katie's birthday yesterday, Suri, her full-time stylist and dresser, let her be a big girl and choose her own ensemble. Big mistake. Big. HUGE! Stepford Katie went to dinner in NYC wearing some shit that is only acceptable at an Amish disco or a pilgrim key party. Katie is only 33 years old, so I don't think her tits should be slow dancing cheek-to-cheek with her elbows. (Yes, elbows and tits have cheeks. Go back to anatomy class!)

Tommy must be wearing his highest lifts, because if he wasn't he'd be face-to-nipple with his wife's chichis. The last time his face got too close to a pair of actual lady breasts, he shriveled down like a snail under a salt shower and a hand full of penis fingers had to stroke his forehead while telling him everything is going to be alright. Tommy's titty trauma is no joke.

And I'm not sure if Suri is hiding, because she's sick of her parents parading her in front of the paps or if she's genuinely I CAN'T-ING inside over her mom's embarrassing outfit.

The Dark Knight Gets A Boner trailer played before the IMAX showings of Mission Impossible 4 this weekend and so dozens of busted and grainy bootleg copies made their way onto the Internet. Some of those bootlegs were so damn bad they looked like they were shot during an earthquake on 8MM by a junkie with the heroin shakes. Well, Warner Bros. finally got their shit together and released the full trailer today. You can put down your flaming pitchforks of outrage, because there's no Catwoman in this trailer. But there is a masquerade ball scene that I do not appreciate....

Remember in Batman Returns when that hot bitch Michelle Pfeiffer glamorously lets her sanity unravel in front of Michael Keaton while she sticks him in the side with her gun at the masquerade ball? There's a scene like that in this trailer, but instead of Anne Hathaway bringing out the insane glamour, she whispers about some 99% shit. Bitch is going on about how the rich are going to get theirs. The hell? Bitch, grab your whip and start purring and whippin' at hos. OCCUPY GLAMOUR, not WALL STREET. Oh, Michelle Pfeiffer, please deliver us from this.

And that Bane trick needs to do more "red leather, yellow leather" exercises, because I can't even pretend to know what he's saying.

via DS

Poor Joe Jonas had the aches in his stomach so bad on Sunday that he had to check into the emergency room at The Children's Hospital in L.A. Yes, the fucking children's hospital. I did hear once that Joe Jonas has the esophagus of a 5-year-old boy (No Sandusky). TMZ says that Joe was partying hard in Chicago on Friday night, yodeled out musical notes during a concert on Saturday night and when he got back to L.A. on Sunday his insides were gurgling like the soul-devouring minion Disney implanted in there was trying to eat its way out.

Joe's spokeswhore wouldn't say why he had the sicks, but they did say that he was released shortly after he got there and was well enough to eat sushi with his brother later last night. So to recap, Joe Jonas had to go to a children's hospital for stomach problems and he later drowned the pains with a whole lot of raw fish. This story is a spread eagle Hilton who doesn't ask you any questions. Just too too TOO easy.

But seriously, why is this giving me shades of the "Jordan Knight gets a gut full of jizz pumped out of him?" urban legend? Well, Joe Jonas is this generation's Jordan Knight, so I guess this is his destiny. This should also teach him to have a private medical team standing by when his piece convinces him that an arm-sized dildo covered in Mexican cocaine will make his prostate's life! Tommy Girl would never make that mistake.

(Image via Fame Pictures)

What's that saying? You can Photoshop a skid mark, but it's still a skid mark. The Kardashians proved that saying right for their annual sacrifice to the Adobe Gods. Last year's Karkrashian Khristmas Kard theme was "kreepy, kooky & kunty" and this year's theme is obviously hall of the sequined dead souls. This is the picture that's on the cover of the pamphlet Lucifer hands you when you're about to sign your soul over to him and he wants to make sure you're making an educated decision that's best for you.

These whores didn't even pose together. They took their pictures separately, threw them all under the silhouette of three giant titty balls (or are those used condoms?) and used the constipation tool to make all of them look like wax mannequins with the hard shits. They also pulled pounds of Sasquatch blubber from Khloe's legs and piled it all on Kourtney's ass. Not to mention that Pimp Mama Kris is the only one not wearing black and white. A wreck. But it was nice of those Kardashians to represent Kris Humphries' personality with that wooden chair in the back.

And this mess also comes in 3D. When you put on the glasses, a double stream of Ray J's piss comes splashing at you. Happy Pissmas from the Kuntrashians!

As you already know, Kim Jong Kardashian died while fighting a USA-made Godzilla robot on the North Korea border over the weekend and the entire country took to the streets to publicly melt down over the loss of their leader. I really haven't seen a dramatic, open-mouthed, tumbling of raw emotions like this since Nicole Shitsinger killed Rachel Crow's dreams on The X-Factor. This is what it looks like at the Scientology Center when the men's wet sauna is temporarily closed for maintenance (aka jizz balls caught in drain again). This is also what the Dlisted comment section looks like when I slobber out another post about Mah Boo Anderson Cooper.

Since the crazy is all these people have known their entire lives, this seems pretty authentic to me, which is a whole new level of scary. But because this aired on North Korean State Television (aka Asia's version of TLC), some people are saying this wailing flash mob was staged. If it was staged and these North Koreans are acting, then we need to send every Kuntrashian over there to learn from these masters how to properly bust out a fake dramatic cunt meltdown. Or just send the Kuntrashians anyway.