Okay, okay, technically it's a marshmallow rolled in bubble gum extract and deep fried until your blood sugar level starts screaming for mercy. That makes it sound less diabetes-ey, right? And how can your mouth deny something that looks like a Care Bear's bowel movement?
Before we begin our favorite weekly activity of stoning Fishsticks Paltrow with stones not imported from the coast of Majorca and not cleansed with the distilled tears of an albino dolphin (that's the worst part for her), let me ask if any of you know the exact time in that Contagion movie when she dies a slow, painful, tonsil-curling, eye-bulging, blood-spewing, nipple-shriveling death? Because that's obviously the only part worth sitting through and I need to know what time I should make dinner reservations at the Chevy's across the street from the theater. Now on to THE STONING!
In Contagion, Fishy plays a cheating wife who bring a virus (GOOP) to the United States that makes people spit out liquid death as their insides slowly turn into the meat that Taco Bell slaps between a shell. It's the same suffering Fishy briefly went through when she had to kiss Matt Damon during a scene after he drank an entire Pepsi. One of her slaves-in-waiting to quickly change her sheepskin tongue condom (she wears one whenever she has to come in contact with a bitch who hasn't been deemed 100% organic by the FDA).
Fishy talked about both cheating whores and viruses to The Daily Telegraph. First up, is Fishy's thoughts on passing the peen:
"I am a great romantic - but I also think you can be a romantic and a realist. Life is complicated and long and I know people that I respect and admire and look up to who have had extra-marital affairs. It's like we're flawed - we're human beings and sometimes you make choices that other people are going to judge. That's their problem but I really think that the more I live my life the more I learn not to judge people for what they do. I think we're all trying our best but life is complicated."
"Learn not to judge people"? BITCH, don't act like if I ate a Twinkie in front of your face, you wouldn't shit out the stick that's stuck up your ass, chisel into a gavel using a Cartier shank and bring it down as you yelled, "GUILTY OF NON-GOOPERY!"
Fishy then went on to say that if a virus killed cheaters, there would be no mortals on earth for her to terrorize.
"If death by virus was a punishment for extra-marital affairs there would only be three dudes left in this world right now...... I'm lucky - I have a wonderful, blessed life. I have two fantastically delightful children and a very nice husband, so... Knock on wood."
And then she went on about how disasters happen for a reason (Note: There's NO reason for GOOP so ho's belief ain't shit):
"I don't believe in religion at all but it's spiritual. I believe in a divine power and I believe that everything happens for a reason and if it's your time to go, it's your time to go."
But back to the cheating thing. I love how she basically says that all husbands cheat before she quickly tries to pull Chris Martin out of that category by saying how happy she is. I see what you did there, GOOP, and it didn't work. "Very nice husband" is like saying "cheating whore bastard who hates my wood-burning pizza" with a fake smile.
If a virus killed man cheaters, we'd definitely see Chris Martin's face during the In Memoriam at the Annual Cunt Awards.
The grade school gutter gremlin is at it again. Fresh off of his jet plane publicity stunt, Soulja Boy is once again getting his name on Twitter feeds by telling the army troops to "fuck off" in his new song called "Let's Be Real." The entire poignant lyric that will soon be featured in a book of beloved American poetry along with works from Maya Angelou and E.E. Cummings goes like this:
"Fuck the FBI and the army troops. Fighting for what? Be your own man.
I'll be flying through the clouds with green like I'm Peter Pan."
You can burn two of your five senses by watching the video for this piece of shit mess here, but you'd be better off watching the grainy video of you dancing to "Thuggish Ruggish Bone" in your parent's garage so I'd go with that instead.
But anyway, after several members of the military and veterans dissed this generation's MC Hammer for dissing them for fighting for his right to diss them, he made his publicist/cousin take a break from their full-time job as a check cashing clerk to write this apology statement to Global Grind for him. You know this didn't from the same brain that shat out Kiss Me Thru the Phone.
"As an artist, I let my words get the best of me. Sometimes there are things that we feel, things that we want to express, and when we put them on paper and speak them out loud, they can come out wrong," he wrote in a statement. "When I expressed my frustration with the US Army, not only did my words come out wrong, I was wrong to even speak them. So, I write this to give my sincerest apology to all members of the United States military services, as well as their families that were offended by my most recent lyrics.
As a young man who grew up in the post-9/11 era, I have watched our country fight two wars that seem like they are never going to end. I have seen thousands and thousands of our brave men and women get killed in battle and often times, I think for what? A lot of people in this country are struggling to make ends meet and I think a lot about what if we had never gone to war. Where would our economy be? Our schools, our after-school and work programs, our streets? I mean, damn, 48 people got shot in New York City just this past weekend ... in 3 days ... I'm not saying that it is just because of a bad economy, but at a certain point we have to take care of our own people.
In no way would I ever want to offend those who are protecting our freedoms ... a lot of homeboys who I grew up with, a lot of people who come from the neighborhoods we live in ... In no way do I want to hurt any of our honorable soldiers who put their lives at risk, regardless of how they feel about the two wars we fight in. I am just frustrated that we haven't been able to bring you all home quick enough and my frustration got the best of me. I am deeply sorry.
I was with (not really) Anarchista Boy until he called himself an "artist."
Over at UsWeekly, they have pictures of the struttin' Canadian Magic Kingdom we know as Ryan Gosling "canoodling" with Eva Mendes at Disneyland on Saturday night. Ryan and Eva are currently shooting that movie together where he plays a death eater trash version of Draco Malfoy who left the wizard world to work as a house painter by day and a scooter racer by weekend (see above). A source type says that Eva and Ryan have always been friends, but now that she's single and they're working together, their fuck parts are really heating up for each other. And they made that shit perfectly clear at Disneyland.
Yes, Ryan is still hard up on Disneyland the same way your lady nipples are hard up for him. I swear, if Ryan told me he wanted to take me to the happiest place on earth for some churro eatin', I'd be throwing a pissed look as soon as he got off on Katella Blvd. from the 57 freeway. Nothing kills a boner like the sight of Katella Blvd. UsWeekly had this to say about Ryan's latest union:
"They were very playful. Eva was skipping around like a little girl...She would lean into him and she held his arm the entire time."
And the sexy twosome did Disneyland right -- riding the Toy Story ride, the California Screamin' rollercoaster, a Little Mermaid adventure and the ferris wheel, snacking on churros, cotton candy and corn on the cob. "She fed him," the onlooker says.
When the hipster maple leaf wants to really make a lady feel special, he takes her to anywhere but Disneyland since he takes all of his tricks there. BlakeLivelyOliviaWildeRachelMcAdamsKikiDunstetc.. They've all held his hand as the Toy Story ride attendant said to him "Why hello there, Mr. Gosling. Right this way to your favorite car. You prefer the yellow cannon, am I correct?"
If Ryan ever asks you out on a date, just ask him for the Fast Pass into his pants so you can bypass all that wooing at Disneyland shit.
Not all celebrities burst out of the closet. Some just peek out to see if it’s OK to tell the truth. Such is the case of this gay news personality. Even though he’s not an atheist, he has reported from plenty of foxholes. On his new show, he will actually mention his partner’s name on air for the first time. This will happen during one of his first few shows. If that action gets a good reception, he’ll start doing it more. Baby steps, people. (Blind Gossip)
Unless Mah Boo Anderson Cooper says my name followed by the words "...will you marry moi under an altar of gummy peens right after you hand your bouquet of my silvery pubes to your pussy of honor Maru," I don't give a Deparnumbertwo about this. (Note: I'm lying. Expect a supercut from me of my name dubbed over Ben's name.)
This A list actor is allegedly very controlling of his famous wife. He orders for her at restaurants, controls her finances and even picks out the clothing she wears. She tells friends she is happy to submit to him because it makes their marriage stronger. (BuzzFoto)
From the department of TOO OBVIOUS, I present to you my guess: Tommy Girl and Stepford Katie?
C List musician who likes to show up at Red Carpet events. Had a recent breakup. Had a recent secret meltdown. Allegedly went to his ex-girlfriend’s house while she wasn’t home and broke in. He took waste from his dogs and spread it all over her walls. Yeah…. that’s one way to get revenge. She suspected it was him but didn’t press charges and ignored it. The fact that she didn’t report it and hasn’t said a word to him about it, is driving him even more crazy. (BuzzFoto)
Nikki Sixx? But really, scatting up the walls with dog caca? That's the best he can do? Dude is giving psycho ex-boyfriends a bad name. Every psycho ex knows you're supposed to write the lyrics of a Police song on her walls with your own jizz, her dirty tampon sludge found in a trash can outside and the ashes of the teddy bear on her bed you torched. Bitch just needs to quit while he's not ahead.
If this doesn't give you a reason to feed your Labor Day hangover with a morning office cocktail made of Wite-Out, stamp blotter water and the juice of a fermented crab apple left in back of the refrigerator by one of your co-workers, then I don't know what will. ABC poured equal parts Photoshop and sequins into fuckery's asshole and stood back as it shat out these messy promo pictures from the new season of Dancing for Relevancy. These pictures are even more awkward and uncomfortable than the pictures from Tommy Girl and Stepford Katie's wedding. There's more tension in these pictures than there would be at a joint prom between the KKK and the NAACP.
And the whipped dollop of mess on top of all of this is NANCY GRACE! You didn't know your retinas could go flaccid until you laid eyes on Nancy Grace sticking her chichis out and wearing the indescribable hose my abuelita bought from Sanborns in Tijuana. (Seriously, you could use those hos to muzzle a hyena and they would not tear.) Bitch looks like Chris Griffin in low-budget drag to play the lead role in a community theater production of Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. Hopefully, this image makes Casey Anthony chloroform herself. Or it could make Casey Anthony try to duct tape those giant baby heads on Nancy's chest. Either way, it's a win for the rest of us.
Here's the rest of this mess of a cast in order: Our Girl Nancy (with Tristan MacManus), Carson Kressley (with Anna Trebunskaya), Chaz Bono (with Brooke Hogan), Chynna Phillips (with a stick of pure cheese), David Arquette (with Kym "Siamese Cat" Johnson), Elisabetta Canalis (with Val Chmerkovskiy), Hope Solo (with Maksim Chmerkovskiy), J.R. Martinez (with Karina Smirnoff Ice), Kristin Cavallari (with Mark Ballas), Rob Kardashian (with Mop Head), Metta World Peace (with some one-legged trick) and Ricki Lake (with Derek Hough).
What you're looking at is Jakey Gyllenhaal and Rashida Jones going to lunch together in L.A. over the weekend while his dog Atticus doesn't even try to be slick about the "You're not going to take him apple picking like that the last bitch, are you?" side-eye at her. Just because Jake and Rashida ate food together doesn't mean they later took it to a lawyer's conference room where she rolled around in beard wig glue while their publicists romantically planned their first staged UsWeekly cover together and worked out their photo-op schedule. Can't a bald butch bitch and Quincy's daughter just be friends?
Besides, a day after these pictures were taken, Jake was seen giving that bland Anna Kendrick ho the Christian side hug. Yes, their side hug is about as awkward as the side hug you give to the one night fuck partner who got soft mid-thrust when you run into him on the street (or about as awkward as the side hug a gay gives the chick he lost his vagina virginity to when they run into each other at their high school reunion), but I guess this still means that Rashida isn't getting that second interview. Back to Monster.com's beard section you go, Rashida!
Everytime K-Fed jizzes on the chia pet , this happens. - fleawatch
Beyoncé: "That's the last time I'll ever let Jennifer Aniston do my hair." - YourClothesAreDead
The rejected Suri-bot head prototypes morph together to form THE ULTIMATE SCIENTOLOBRAT!! - perky
The neweset gift craze... Headible Arrangements. - mahaatma
The Coke Bottle-Playing Mariachi Man!
Some might say this is some chunti ass shit, but I say this is some ingenious ass shit! IN THIS ECONOMY, trumpet players have to blow into whatever is available (Cut to John Travolta painting his b-hole like a trumpet).
When it's your My Big Fat Quinceañera time (Note: Why isn't there a My Big Fat Quinceañera reality show? TLC, get on that!) and you've spent your mariachi budget on a lit up dress with matching fiber optic veil and a Menudo cover band, you're going to wish that you had this dude's number. I mean, you can't say that he's THAT low-budget. He's using a Mexican Coke bottle, not a Shasta bottle. Give him some pointy boots and he's really ready to party like it's the real thing, baby.
Pippa Middleton (28)
Kerry Katona (31)
Foxy Brown (33)
Cisco Adler (33)
Naomie Harris (35)
Justin Whalin (36)
Nina Persson (37)
Justina Machado (39)
Idris Elba (39)
Anika Noni Rose (39)
Dolores O'Riordan (40)
Macy Gray (41)
CeCe Peniston (42)
Rosie Perez (47)
Elizabeth Vargas (49)
Jeff Foxworthy (53)
Jane Curtin (64)
Swoosie Kurtz (67)
Roger Waters of Pink Floyd (68)
Jo Anne Worley (74)