Archives

If you were sitting there thinking that no Hudson is as insufferably annoying as Kate Hudson, then meet Bill Hudson the man who pushed out the sperm that was later transformed into the dwarf monster who terrorizes romantic comedy after romantic comedy. Bill, who made Kate and Oliver Hudson with Goldie Hawn and later wiped his hands of parental rights when Kurt Russell came on the scene, is releasing an ESCANDALOSO tell-all this fall without the ESCANDALOSO part. Bill is basically Michael Lohan-ing this shit by crying about how Goldie and Kurt are the ones who pushed him out, and now Kate Hudson won't even talk to him or her memaw who is dying from Alzheimer's.

Bill is whining so hard that he's making Kate seem as pleasant as a hand job from a daisy. The details about this mess from Radar:

Life in the spotlight is not without its consequences, and the Hudson family was no exception," the book's website touts. "While enjoying success as a part of the 1970s musical group The Hudson Brothers, Bill Hudson fell in love and married actress Goldie Hawn.

"After their divorce, Bill found himself in the middle of the controversial issue of parental alienation. His rights as a father to see his children were often played out in the media because Oliver and Kate became actors themselves."

Devastating secrets and salacious details of both Goldie and Kate's lives are expected to be revealed.

As RadarOnline.com was first to report, Bill accused Kate of not visiting or calling her dying grandma, who is battling Alzheimer's disease.

"Kate doesn't have to talk to me and she doesn't have to give her a dime of her millions. All I want is for her to call and say, 'Hi grandma', before it's too late," Bill said.

"I love Kate, but... She has done stuff which is just awful. She is a spoiled brat in my eyes and at the end of the day, she should meet her little sister. I should meet my grandchild and she should help her grandmother."

That shit is supposed to be salacious? Bill is just trying to shame Kate into throwing some of her Something Borrowed money into her grand mama je'e's pocket book while trying to make a check himself. Well, I guess if you can't get your daughter to give you some money, you might as well make some money off of her ass by calling her a "spoiled brat" in a tell-all book that not even dust will touch. But you know, after watching the last part of Bride Wars the other night, I'm totally on Team Asshole Bill.

Long before Rachel Uchitel was Tiger Woods' head side piece turned Celebrity Rehabber, she was a girl mourning the loss of her fiance who died during the attacks on 9/11. So because the 10th anniversary of 9/11 is coming up, Page Six Magazine asked Cuchitel about the death of her fiance. Cuchitel said in so many words that if he didn't die she would've been wiping baby barf off of her fupa in Long Island instead of being one of the country's highest paid whores and best known married man fuckers.

“I believe Andy was meant to die because he was too good. I’m almost happy it ended the way it did because I’ve learned so many lessons from him. It would have been tragic if we got into fights and then divorced.

I would be a fat housewife with three kids in Sands Point, LI."

BUT WAIT! The mound of delusional stuffed into a silicone empanada tells TMZ that just like her lips, that story from Page Six is made of lies. Cuchitel says that Page Six twisted her words and what she really said is that she'd love nothing more than to be Andy's housewife. Her lawyer Gloria Allred is already barking at Page Six and The New York Post, but they stand by what they printed and are refusing to say they're sorry.

Who(re) to believe. Who(re) to believe. Page Six is an esteemed literary journal that would never play a game of Twister with a ho's words in order to add a heavy dose of WTF to one of their articles. And Rachel Cuchitel is the epitome of tact and gracefulness who would never EVER ejaculate dingles of ridiculousness from her mouth in order to keep her name on the public's eyes. This is obviously just a case of misunderstanding. Page Six has selective hearing and thanks to those bloated collagen cocoons on that bitch's mouth, she probably sounds like a baboon farting out the lyrics to the Star Spangled Banner into a fan when she talks.

1. Your choices as a parent might be questionable if you named your child Paisley. Tartan or Argyle I can deal with, but Paisley?!

2. Your choices as a parent are definitely questionable and you should probably resign as a mother to take up a full-time position as the creative director of PedoBear's Children's Theater when you push your kid in front of the Toddlers & Tiaras cameras dressed up as Julia Roberts from Pretty Woman. Not even the classy Julia Roberts in the brown polka dot dress after she gets de-whored on Rodeo Blvd. But the pussy peddling Julia Roberts who picks Richard Gere up on Hollywood Blvd. What kind of crazy is running through that bitch's brain to think it's okay and cute to dress her little daughter as a straight-up hooker whore?!

I'm surprised this little prostitot didn't stop, pull a rainbow of condoms out of her boot and tell the audience that she's a safety girl. I don't know whether to laugh as I pray that the world stops so we can throw that girl's parents off of it, or to weep as I pray that the world stops so we can throw that girl's parents off of it. Allow me to quote Snobby Saleswoman #1 from Pretty Woman when I tell Paisley's parents: "You're obviously in the wrong place. Please leave!"

The thing is, what really offends me is that if you're going to hooker up your daughter by dressing her up as a prostitution whore, you could at least do it with the right wig. That wig is more Lady Caca than hooker Julia Roberts. How dreadful.

Do I always have Winchell's (and wangs) on the brain or does Jason Biggs' gut look like a pink frosted donut ready for a peen tip? Warning: The following link will lead you to Biggs crack and a pube fan - SOW

Michael Ass Bender in Venice - Lainey Gossip

Olivia Munn breaks out the bikini for the burned children of the world - The Superficial

I'd hit it - Towleroad

I bet CoCo getting into that latex dress sounded like a family of raccoons trying to crawl into a plastic pluming pipe - Hollywood Tuna

Tara Reid's 28 Days Later legs look like they need braaaaaaaains - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

Speaking of 28 Days Later legs... - Popoholic

Guy Ritchie's gives birth to a son that Madge will totally date in 18 years - Celebitchy

Things that accidentally get caught in Billy Ray Cyrus' possum trappin' net: that wig on Miley Cyrus' head - Just Jared

See the kitchen sink where Jennifer Aniston maternally washes the lint dingles out of her Beanie Babies' ears - The Berry

They see me rollin'..... - The Daily What

No. - ICYDK

How is that yacht not sinking from massive ego overload? - Popsugar

Gabrielle Union in a two piece - Hollywood Rag

Some dude from Hollyoaks has a freshly waxed ass and here it is (NSFWish) - OMG Blog

Desperately Seeking Kelly Osbourne - Cityrag

Patrick Schwarzenegger is very Palm Springs 80s twinkie gay - I'm Not Obsessed

This February, the biggest dressing room at the Kodak Theater will be filled with tranny hookers and fat suits a plenty, because Eddie Murphy is going to host the 84th annual Oscar awards. Brett Ratner, who is producing that shit, made it official in a statement to Deadline:

"Eddie is a comedic genius, one of the greatest and most influential live performers ever. With his love of movies, history of crafting unforgettable characters and his iconic performances -- especially on stage -- I know he will bring excitement, spontaneity and tremendous heart to the show Don and I want to produce in February."

The last time Eddie was at the Oscars, he flew into a full-on dramatic cunt queen tantrum complete with chapped ass when he lost to Alan Arkin, so this is the perfect choice!

Here's hoping that Brett Ratner finds a way to resurrect "Raw" Eddie Murphy or asks Ricky Gervais to fill Eddie with some of that "not trying to give a fuck" attitude. But you know, if Eddie told every one of his "jokes" from Meet Dave while wearing a fat lady suit as a choir of animals from Doctor Doolittle hummed out Party All The Time, it would still be more entertaining than the unflavored skid mark that James Franco and Anne Hathaway scooted across the stage at the last Oscars. Actually, Eddie better open with the Doctor Doolittle animals singing Party All The Time.

Okay, okay, technically it's a marshmallow rolled in bubble gum extract and deep fried until your blood sugar level starts screaming for mercy. That makes it sound less diabetes-ey, right? And how can your mouth deny something that looks like a Care Bear's bowel movement?

via Buzzfeed

Before we begin our favorite weekly activity of stoning Fishsticks Paltrow with stones not imported from the coast of Majorca and not cleansed with the distilled tears of an albino dolphin (that's the worst part for her), let me ask if any of you know the exact time in that Contagion movie when she dies a slow, painful, tonsil-curling, eye-bulging, blood-spewing, nipple-shriveling death? Because that's obviously the only part worth sitting through and I need to know what time I should make dinner reservations at the Chevy's across the street from the theater. Now on to THE STONING!

In Contagion, Fishy plays a cheating wife who bring a virus (GOOP) to the United States that makes people spit out liquid death as their insides slowly turn into the meat that Taco Bell slaps between a shell. It's the same suffering Fishy briefly went through when she had to kiss Matt Damon during a scene after he drank an entire Pepsi. One of her slaves-in-waiting to quickly change her sheepskin tongue condom (she wears one whenever she has to come in contact with a bitch who hasn't been deemed 100% organic by the FDA).

Fishy talked about both cheating whores and viruses to The Daily Telegraph. First up, is Fishy's thoughts on passing the peen:

"I am a great romantic - but I also think you can be a romantic and a realist. Life is complicated and long and I know people that I respect and admire and look up to who have had extra-marital affairs. It's like we're flawed - we're human beings and sometimes you make choices that other people are going to judge. That's their problem but I really think that the more I live my life the more I learn not to judge people for what they do. I think we're all trying our best but life is complicated."

"Learn not to judge people"? BITCH, don't act like if I ate a Twinkie in front of your face, you wouldn't shit out the stick that's stuck up your ass, chisel into a gavel using a Cartier shank and bring it down as you yelled, "GUILTY OF NON-GOOPERY!"

Fishy then went on to say that if a virus killed cheaters, there would be no mortals on earth for her to terrorize.

"If death by virus was a punishment for extra-marital affairs there would only be three dudes left in this world right now...... I'm lucky - I have a wonderful, blessed life. I have two fantastically delightful children and a very nice husband, so... Knock on wood."

And then she went on about how disasters happen for a reason (Note: There's NO reason for GOOP so ho's belief ain't shit):

"I don't believe in religion at all but it's spiritual. I believe in a divine power and I believe that everything happens for a reason and if it's your time to go, it's your time to go."

But back to the cheating thing. I love how she basically says that all husbands cheat before she quickly tries to pull Chris Martin out of that category by saying how happy she is. I see what you did there, GOOP, and it didn't work. "Very nice husband" is like saying "cheating whore bastard who hates my wood-burning pizza" with a fake smile.

If a virus killed man cheaters, we'd definitely see Chris Martin's face during the In Memoriam at the Annual Cunt Awards.

The grade school gutter gremlin is at it again. Fresh off of his jet plane publicity stunt, Soulja Boy is once again getting his name on Twitter feeds by telling the army troops to "fuck off" in his new song called "Let's Be Real." The entire poignant lyric that will soon be featured in a book of beloved American poetry along with works from Maya Angelou and E.E. Cummings goes like this:

"Fuck the FBI and the army troops. Fighting for what? Be your own man.

I'll be flying through the clouds with green like I'm Peter Pan."

You can burn two of your five senses by watching the video for this piece of shit mess here, but you'd be better off watching the grainy video of you dancing to "Thuggish Ruggish Bone" in your parent's garage so I'd go with that instead.

But anyway, after several members of the military and veterans dissed this generation's MC Hammer for dissing them for fighting for his right to diss them, he made his publicist/cousin take a break from their full-time job as a check cashing clerk to write this apology statement to Global Grind for him. You know this didn't from the same brain that shat out Kiss Me Thru the Phone.

"As an artist, I let my words get the best of me. Sometimes there are things that we feel, things that we want to express, and when we put them on paper and speak them out loud, they can come out wrong," he wrote in a statement. "When I expressed my frustration with the US Army, not only did my words come out wrong, I was wrong to even speak them. So, I write this to give my sincerest apology to all members of the United States military services, as well as their families that were offended by my most recent lyrics.

As a young man who grew up in the post-9/11 era, I have watched our country fight two wars that seem like they are never going to end. I have seen thousands and thousands of our brave men and women get killed in battle and often times, I think for what? A lot of people in this country are struggling to make ends meet and I think a lot about what if we had never gone to war. Where would our economy be? Our schools, our after-school and work programs, our streets? I mean, damn, 48 people got shot in New York City just this past weekend ... in 3 days ... I'm not saying that it is just because of a bad economy, but at a certain point we have to take care of our own people.

In no way would I ever want to offend those who are protecting our freedoms ... a lot of homeboys who I grew up with, a lot of people who come from the neighborhoods we live in ... In no way do I want to hurt any of our honorable soldiers who put their lives at risk, regardless of how they feel about the two wars we fight in. I am just frustrated that we haven't been able to bring you all home quick enough and my frustration got the best of me. I am deeply sorry.

~Soulja Boy

I was with (not really) Anarchista Boy until he called himself an "artist."

Over at UsWeekly, they have pictures of the struttin' Canadian Magic Kingdom we know as Ryan Gosling "canoodling" with Eva Mendes at Disneyland on Saturday night. Ryan and Eva are currently shooting that movie together where he plays a death eater trash version of Draco Malfoy who left the wizard world to work as a house painter by day and a scooter racer by weekend (see above). A source type says that Eva and Ryan have always been friends, but now that she's single and they're working together, their fuck parts are really heating up for each other. And they made that shit perfectly clear at Disneyland.

Yes, Ryan is still hard up on Disneyland the same way your lady nipples are hard up for him. I swear, if Ryan told me he wanted to take me to the happiest place on earth for some churro eatin', I'd be throwing a pissed look as soon as he got off on Katella Blvd. from the 57 freeway. Nothing kills a boner like the sight of Katella Blvd. UsWeekly had this to say about Ryan's latest union:

"They were very playful. Eva was skipping around like a little girl...She would lean into him and she held his arm the entire time."

And the sexy twosome did Disneyland right -- riding the Toy Story ride, the California Screamin' rollercoaster, a Little Mermaid adventure and the ferris wheel, snacking on churros, cotton candy and corn on the cob. "She fed him," the onlooker says.

When the hipster maple leaf wants to really make a lady feel special, he takes her to anywhere but Disneyland since he takes all of his tricks there. BlakeLivelyOliviaWildeRachelMcAdamsKikiDunstetc.. They've all held his hand as the Toy Story ride attendant said to him "Why hello there, Mr. Gosling. Right this way to your favorite car. You prefer the yellow cannon, am I correct?"

If Ryan ever asks you out on a date, just ask him for the Fast Pass into his pants so you can bypass all that wooing at Disneyland shit.

Not all celebrities burst out of the closet. Some just peek out to see if it’s OK to tell the truth. Such is the case of this gay news personality. Even though he’s not an atheist, he has reported from plenty of foxholes. On his new show, he will actually mention his partner’s name on air for the first time. This will happen during one of his first few shows. If that action gets a good reception, he’ll start doing it more. Baby steps, people. (Blind Gossip)

Unless Mah Boo Anderson Cooper says my name followed by the words "...will you marry moi under an altar of gummy peens right after you hand your bouquet of my silvery pubes to your pussy of honor Maru," I don't give a Deparnumbertwo about this. (Note: I'm lying. Expect a supercut from me of my name dubbed over Ben's name.)

This A list actor is allegedly very controlling of his famous wife. He orders for her at restaurants, controls her finances and even picks out the clothing she wears. She tells friends she is happy to submit to him because it makes their marriage stronger. (BuzzFoto)

From the department of TOO OBVIOUS, I present to you my guess: Tommy Girl and Stepford Katie?

C List musician who likes to show up at Red Carpet events. Had a recent breakup. Had a recent secret meltdown. Allegedly went to his ex-girlfriend’s house while she wasn’t home and broke in. He took waste from his dogs and spread it all over her walls. Yeah…. that’s one way to get revenge. She suspected it was him but didn’t press charges and ignored it. The fact that she didn’t report it and hasn’t said a word to him about it, is driving him even more crazy. (BuzzFoto)

Nikki Sixx? But really, scatting up the walls with dog caca? That's the best he can do? Dude is giving psycho ex-boyfriends a bad name. Every psycho ex knows you're supposed to write the lyrics of a Police song on her walls with your own jizz, her dirty tampon sludge found in a trash can outside and the ashes of the teddy bear on her bed you torched. Bitch just needs to quit while he's not ahead.