Even on this Labor Day Weekend, the hardest working poser on the ho stroll does not press pause on work and continues to make the kids vomit up awes at the cutlets gone wild glamour she throws at the camera.
At some kind of chili cookout in Malibu yesterday afternoon, international supermodel, shining symbol of patriotism and the most beautiful creature in your grocer's freezer Phoebe Price set off the freckled fireworks on her body with a red, white and blue bikini. Throw a little feed and get some of this.
Of course, some of you poultry racists are going to say that the boy up there is spelling out the word G-R-O-S-S with his facial expression, but you know that's a lie. DON'T LIE. What's really going on is that he is so transfixed with her subtle grace and quiet beauty that he's afraid unless he witnesses a shooting star falling into a ginger unicorn's ass he will never witness anything as stunning as this again. How can he tell his first love that they are the most gorgeous thing he's ever seen? It wouldn't be true since he's seen thee Phoebe Price in all her chicken cutlets glory! That is the look of fear for the future.
I was going to write about how Lauren Bush became Lauren Lauren in Colorado yesterday, but who gives two shits about that mess. Now, this is a wedding that is relevant to all of our interests. In this video from the olden days, we see what "can't get a man" spinsters did before Sex and the City marathons, Entenmann's and the late night companionship of an HSN operator.
Dog historians also say this is the exact moment when the Pekingese developed its signature suicide face. Known today as the "it's times like this that I wish Michael Vick would adopt me" face.
In case you missed it, here's ScarJo, Jeremy Renner, Chris Pine, Robert Downey Jr., Mark Ruffalo and Chris Hemsworth playing dress up on the NYC set of The Avengers on Saturday morning.
You know, if you took everything I know about The Avengers and used it to power your American flag finger vibrator this Labor Day, you'd be the opposite of patriotic because that shit wouldn't bust out one tingle due to the fact that I know absolutely nothing about The Avengers. Nothing. I don't know what their damn costumes do. I don't know why they're running around. I don't know why Jeremy Renner is dressed like a top at a gay leather bar who carries skinny starter dildos in a wine bottle carrier just in case he runs into a trainee bottom who needs a little assistance in the loosening up department. I don't know!
But I do know that The Avengers desperately needs the bulge budget that Superman has.
The Daily Mail has a way too long article on Jane Fonda's second husband Tom Hayden, a left-wing activist who made her give up her fancy ways to fight the cause or some shit, and in it they include a priceless quote she apparently said at a feminist rally.
"My biggest regret is I never got to fuck Che Guevara."
Che Guevara?! The famous t-shirt model? Why in Urban Outfitters clearance rack hell would she want to fuck that?
No, Jane must be talking about Che from that Andrew Lloyd Webber musical Evita. Jane, you not-knowing tramp, Che was just a character in a musical played by Mandy Patinkin! But if you really need it like that, I'm sure Mandy would be nice enough to bring that fantasy to life for you. Dust off your coochie, pull out your pussy beret and make your dreams come true.
And since it's Labor Day, I will do some labor for you by posting your official response to this:
You can also dub Dan's voice with the word "Michael" instead of "Jane" and it works just as well. Thank you.
Note to you: Now you know that the only way to protect your brown-skinned baby boy from the claws of Madge is to line his crib with hydrangeas. Some vampires hate crucifixes, Madge hisses at hydrangeas.
During a press conference last week at the Venice Film Festival for the latest cinematic shit dingle that Madge has squirted out, a reporter type handed her a hydrangea since he knew very well that you're supposed to bring some kind of offering to the vampire queen and he couldn't get a hold of a basket of baby veins at the last minute. Being the refined English lady of the manor that she is, Madge graciously accepted the flowers with a fraudulent smile and when he turned away, she did the bitch squint with her eyes and then said to the ho sitting next to her, "I absolutely loathe hydrangeas. He obviously doesn't know."
It should warm your cunt gene to see that Madge's oh-so-subtle bitchiness gets better with age. On the other hand, it should eat the edges of your nerves to see that Madge still talks like she's Maggie fucking Smith in Downton Abbey. Bitch, you've had too much Paltrow in your life.
And right after Madge's cold zombie hands let go of the hydrangea, it turned into death dust and was carried up into the lungs of the reporter by the airs of self-importance that she regularly queefs out. His last words were, "And I was going to give that cunt a good review."
Here's the hydrangea hater and her child army going through Heathrow Airport yesterday
No, this is not a still from this week's Jersey Shore of a boozed Snooki coming out of the hot tub after The Situation's dick hole of destruction lets out a toxic waste load when he gets a little too close to the jet. No, it's also not an ultrasound scan of Trace Cyrus and Brenda Song's fetus. And it's really not a still from John Travolta's colon cam. It's the BEST NEWBORN EVER: the alien baby from V: The Final Battle!
Today is Labor Day in Canada and the US, and it's supposed to be the day we all take off of work to honor ourselves for working ("Weak ass whore bitches" - the Chinese) by doing what we do on the Fourth of July, Memorial Day and every other holiday: guzzling meat, eating booze and fighting my mom over the last 80% off package of Jockey cotton panties at JcPenney. But most of us know that Labor Day really exists so we can honor the vaginas that were torn apart by our huge ass baby heads. And what better way is there to honor that than with the one of the best television labor scenes of all time.
This scene is perfect for Labor Day for two reasons: a) It shows the birth of the American beauty of our time Courtney Stodden and b) It also shows what some of us will birth out from our mouths later tonight after having one too many guacamole margaritas and salmon sausages.
Happy Labor Day, everyone!
Freddie Mercury (1946-1991)
Kat Graham (22)
Sondre Lerche (29)
Paddy Considine (38)
Rose McGowan (38)
Dweezil Zappa (42)
Kristian Alfonso (48)
Michael Keaton (60)
Loudon Wainwright III (65)
Werner Herzog (69)
Raquel Welch (71)
William Devane (73)
Carol Lawrence (79)
Bob Newhart (82)