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Some more co-stars who despise each other. Apparently the root of this feud is that the younger B- list actress said some very nasty things about this A list actress and the reasons why she split with her husband. The pair did the tiniest amount of press together for their movie, did not speak forever until the Emmy Awards and did not speak while being photographed. (CDAN)

So Kate Winslet is the one who paid that dancing French ho to "accidentally" knock a toof out of Evan Rachel Wood with their elbow at a club in Paris? That's a well played hit, Kate!

Which current “Dancing with the Stars” contestant has such a bad temper that producers fear he could blow a gasket at any time? Producers have taken special precautions and hired an on-set psychiatrist to make sure the wannabe hoofer doesn’t lose it on stage! (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip)

Three beautiful words that every Los Angeles-area psychiatrist's office receptionist will say into the waiting room area at least once in their career: METTA WORLD PEACE.

Notice that this B- list movie actress looked a little harried and not quite 100%? It is because she had told her B+ television actor who sometimes masquerades as a really bad B- movie actor that she was not going to the show. She just wanted to stay at home because she does not get along with any of his cast. He talked her into it and she came grudgingly. (CDAN)

Fishsticks Paltrow works for the first part, but it obviously isn't her since the second part reads B+ television actor instead of A+ cunt singer. So I'll write Emily Blunt and John Krasinski's names on paper in black pen and throw that shit into the guessing hat.

This married, foreign born C+/B- television actress on a very hit show spent about ten minutes making out and groping this always ready to play B/A- list actor who just completed a run on a very popular show. It was not like the pair were not spotted. The actress was overheard saying later that she thinks her husband will understand. "It was just kissing." (CDAN)

I have zero ideas for the actress, but the man whore actor is either Jeremy Piven or Charlie Sheen. If you really want to know, just go to the Hollywood Free Clinic and wait until a C+ actress shows up to pick up genital yogurt cream for the HPV wart garden that grew on her tongue.

All of John Mayer's upcoming performances and the release date for his new album have been pushed back thanks to a growth that is clinging near his vocal cords and makes him feel like tiny Jessica Simpsons in spiked heels are tap dancing out the invisible words "sexual napalm" on his throat when he tries to sing. This is just too too toooooo easy (kind of like John Mayer's dickkk), so I'll just let you read what he wrote on his Tumblr (via Vulture) about the gonor-, I mean the granuloma that won't let him yodel.

Hi everyone,

After several months of going week to week monitoring and hoping to correct the condition, I am forced to cancel my upcoming singing engagements due to something next to my vocal cords called a granuloma.

I’m bummed to have to bow out of both the iheartradio Music Festival in Las Vegas and an appearance with Tony Bennett in Los Angeles. I know there were people depending on me to be there and I’m sorry that I can’t be on those stages.

‘Born and Raised’ is complete as far as music recording, song selection, and in some cases mixing, but because of this condition I couldn’t finish singing on several of the tracks. This means the record will be released next year instead of this fall or winter.

This is a temporary setback, though I’m not sure how long or short a period of time it will be. I’ve got the best doctors in the country looking after me and I will be singing and touring again as soon as I get the all clear. Until then I’ll be spending time writing and composing more music and kicking an empty soup can around the West Village.

I’m looking forward to seeing you again soon. Until then take good care.

John

Well, at least now John has more time to devote to perfecting his bottom of the barrel Johnny Depp impersonation. You need more white pressed powder, John!

Reformed boring person Brad Pitt is giving me slight stoner STAINS eyes on Sports Illustrated - Just Jared

I just want to run my fingers through Kit Harrington's hair, flick my hand over a frying pan and make some fried chicken - Lainey Gossip

Lindsay Lohan's transformation into Ginger from Casino is two snorts closer - The Superficial

Amber Rose's silver dollar nipples since she doesn't show them on the daily - (NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

JLo's video needs more product placement from Fiat - Towleroad

The day a dude in a pink tie married Naomi Campbell's nipple with his eyes - Celebitchy

It's totally fitting that Miley Cyrus' bedroom looks like a bordello - Hollywood Tuna

Kitteh vs. Printer - The Daily What

Uma Thurman's broken circulation t-shirt trend has spread to Kristen Stewart - Popsugar

The Lesbeaver needs to take those jeans off of Selena Gomez, slip them on and show that little ho how to really work 'em - Popoholic

Skeletor has a 17-year-old daughter - ICYDK

Tommy Girl will take one in every hide! - OMG Blog

Aaron Sorkin broke his nose while writing and a mirror was involved. No comment. - Videogum

For a change, Brit Brit's piece is the one with Code 5150 eyes - The Berry

Chris Farley is alive! - Cityrag

File under: Things I shouldn't type out loud. But am I the only shameless slut who thinks Brad Garrett is sort of hot? - SOW

Glazed eyes galore. All three of them were obviously hot boxin' in the plane's lavatory - I'm Not Obsessed

Basement Baby in London - Hollywood Rag

When Elisabetta Canalis was with George Clooney, she'd wake up in his sex dungeon with the drunks in her eyes hoping that heavy thing on her hitchin' finger was not the dildo ring she used on him the night before, but a real wedding ring. It never was. But in this commercial for a Norwegian bank, Elisabetta's dream is brought to life when a blondie wakes up and finds out she has just done the impossible: married George Clooney. The truth is, we'd all make that "barfing up my life" face if we married multimillionaire George Clooney and he only bought us that cheap ass single level.

And see if you can spot the very special cameo from Trace Cyrus!

via Jezebel

If your pussy just clamp shut like it just heard John Mayer's name and you can feel your uterus trying to shrivel down to the size of a bumblebee bat's nutsack, that's because your parts know exactly what's going on in these pictures and they're scared.

What you're looking at are the exhausted faces of three woman with sweat shop wombs and Chapter 11 pussies who are staring at the fertile as fuck fool they wished they never let up into their sugar walls. That right there is what tired looks like when it puts on a house dress.

Guanabee introduces us to 90-year-old Brazilian farmer Luiz Costa De Oliveira who has overpopulated the world with at least 50 chirruns from 4 different women. When he's not planting seeds, he's planting seeds if you know what I mean. This dirty whore's (or this "putito sucio" as my abuelita would probably say under her breath) made 17 children with his first wife Francisca. After Francisca died, Luiz met Maria Francisca and made 17 more babies with her. Maria Francisca must've been tired of her uterus trying to escape every time she took a piss, because she asked her sister Ozelita to come help her take care of her ten million children. You know what happened next. As soon as Ozelita stepped into the door, the bitch had a womb full of Luiz's baby. They made 14 more tiny people together. 15 in total. The full fresh fuckery does not end there...

Ozelita asked her mother to come live with them and that old ho ended up spitting out one of Luiz's babies too! So if you ever get a call from a Brazilian number you don't know, back away from the phone like you're in The Ring. It's Ozelita calling and she wants you to come to Brazil to take one of the loads that Luiz is shooting out on the hour every hour.

But Luiz says that now that he has around 50 children and 100 grandchildren, he's putting his deadly weapon back in the holster and retiring from his spawning days.

"I could have other children out there that I don't know about because I've always liked making love. I don't know all their names. I hardly make love anymore these days, even though I'm in good health. But I still remember how wonderful it is to be in bed with a woman."

Luiz, his baby-making harem and his ten million children is what would happen if you put OctoMom, The Duggars, Kate Gosselin, Lil Wayne and KFed into a room together with nothing but IVF shots and a glimmer of a good time in their eyes. Nope.

Luiz has jizzed out a small principality and now he's done. Luiz needs to zip up his dick hole and stay away from beds...and vaginas. Just stick your pinga in a bucket of Mountain Dew and don't move.

And with one Tina Fey photobomb, any thought I had left about that Emmys shit has really been blown from my mind. There's nothing more to say!

Source: CoF via Buzzfeed

There's a really good reason for why I keep a piece of Sizzler's heart attack toast (aka what Paula Deen serves at communion) wrapped in my paper napkin until after I've stuck my mouth hole under the ice cream spout, because you should always save the best shit for a palate cleanser. And that is why I'm ending my Emmy coverage with the best grand finale possible: SPAZ DE LA HUERTA! Spaz is just like Sizzler's cheese toast. Well, more like a digested piece of Sizzler's cheese toast found inside of a corpse by a coroner during an early morning autopsy. Stunning.

The vodka sponge in Spaz's head must have forgotten about which cable show she's on, because her face came out in full support of The Walking Dead. I would say that Spaz should've finished off the look with leaves in her hair, a body bag cape and a toe tag, but she's a demure beauty who would never give us too much look.

Spaz also answered two very important questions that I know have been on your mind. When she puckered those lips (slathered in a lipstick shade called "Zombie Jizz") she answered the question: "What does a Chinese Crested's swollen anal glands look like?" And she also answered the question: "Do drunk zombies spray tan?"

It's okay to admit that Spaz's beauty has turned you into a full-on necrophiliac.

In case you missed it, below is the clip of Charlie Sheen at the Emmys last night awkwardly wishing his former co-workers at a Two and a Half Men nothing but good things for their upcoming season. Now, I'm going to tell Charlie Sheen the same thing I told a way-too-hot piece who talked to me at a bar once: You a suspicious bitch! Is this one of those What Would You Do? situations? Where's John Quinones? See what I mean:

No punchline. No joke. Just Charlie saying nice words while using his tongue to search his upper gum area for stuck coke bits. Now I know how the cops feel when they're interviewing Charlie in a hotel hallway knowing very well that he's hiding a decapitated hooker, a pregnant goat and a portable crack smoke sauna in his room. After Charlie uncomfortably did step 9 of The Twelve Steps in front of millions of people, he posed for a picture backstage with his replacement Hobo Yanni.

And where was Demi Moore last night? Demi actually stayed away from a field of cameras?! Talk about suspicious bitches. Either bitch is off getting her pulled head transplanted onto an 18-year-old's body AGAIN or unlike beard bichitos, Demi can't fake wanting to be near Ashton.

(Image via Twatter House of the Warlock Tiger)

Trying to prove that the stick that's permanently shoved up her ass is actually a funny bone, Fishsticks Paltrow showed up to the Emmys last night in a hilarious dress that got more laughs than the shit was on Charlie Sheen's head. When she was talking to Ryan Gaycrest on the red carpet, I thought his peen was going to crawl up into his stomach so he could barf it out when he said that her Pucci dress was so sheer that we all faced the threat of seeing her cucci. Bitch's sense of reality is as fried as her hair if she thinks this shit looked sexy. GOOP looked like she was wearing a dildo cozy made of funeral doilies and grandma's old panties complete with Metamucil-induced skid marks.

Fishy is as skinny as a tampon string, but that dress made her look like she's serving up organic caca souffle. But I'm sure that a mere mortal will soon write an essay in The Morton Report about how they were choking on a chicken wing at an Emmy party when the sight of Fishy's stomach made them dry heave it out and SAVED THEIR LIFE! Fishy saves lives even when she looks like cold vanilla shit wrapped in memaw's table runner. Move on...

Here's a small gallery of more hos from last night along with my one-second comments. In order:

Paula Abdul who I'm assuming is wearing a sash made of bedazzled Vicodin pills for easy access.

Claire Danes who needs some fucking Latisse for her limp ass hair.

The Ginger Keeper of the Magnificent Chichis whose husband was obviously Mother Theresa in a past life.

Stepford Katie whose jooree box was obviously raided by Suri Cruise and Tommy Girl.

Heidi Klum whose coochie looks like its foaming at the mouth. Cujo coohie!

TWO CROSS-EYED GLAMOUR GODDESSES!

Jenna Aushwitz (I forget how to spell her last name and don't make me Google on a Monday
morning) who is wearing a reworked version of Brenda and Kelly's prom dress.

Sofia Vergara whose teeth scare me.

Jon Hamm with Jennifer Westfeldt whose face is starting to look like it's made of non-biodegradable materials. And I don't know if Jennifer's sticking out her stomach in that second picture or if her ovaries are orgasming from touching her piece (probably the latter).

Kristen Wiig whose nostrils must've had a case of the shies last night.

Evan Rachel Wood who at first I thought was Austin Scarlett in drag and got really disappointed when I learned the truth.

Peter Dinklage who made my nipple holes squeeee when he picked up that big Emmy and spoke at that tiny microphone.

Julianne Marguiles who should throw those clear aquarium rocks at whoever told her to wear that busted dress.

Olivia Munn who needs to have a seat and stop.

Jim Parsons who needs to spend less time dipping his face in a bowl of foundation and more time manicuring those brows.

Kate Winslet who is there.

And finally, Melissa McCarthy, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!!!!

A flock of pigeons out of Prince's ass carrying a dreamcatcher crashed into Phoebe Price's head, but that didn't stop the international supermodel and the hardest non-paid hustler in Hollywood from singeing the carpet fibers at the Emmys with her her charbroiling posing skills. Every year, the nominees (except for Mad Men who will still be nominated posthumously even after the show gets cremated and sprinkled into a whiskey) and host changes at the Emmys, but one thing always stays the same: Chicken Cutlets is always there to fill a bitch's seat when they're not in it and if she happens to leave a butt burp that smells like star dust and burnt bouillon on it, then they should consider themselves the real winner of the night!

I can already hear you PP haters (let's call you Incontinent-als) asking, "But Michael, it wasn't the Ho Stroll Strollers Who Don't Have A Real Job Awards, so why was PP there?!") Please do your research before you ejaculate the hate from your fingertips. I'll have you know that Chicken Cutlets played the pivotal role of "Marie - Customer with Car" in an episode of The X-Files in 1993. PP is practically TV royalty! The academy obviously knows they wronged Chicken Cutlets by not giving her an award for that groundbreaking performance, so they bring her back every year and quietly honor her in the backroom with a special ceremony (aka seat filler orientation). And PP also makes a few extra coins from handing out mints in the women's restroom during commercial breaks. The Emmys is NOTHING without her.

And here's a few pictures from last night's shit (don't worry, I'll get to the attack of Goop's gut in a second). In order: Chicken Cutlets, Kyle Richards, Chris Colfer, Christine Baranski, David Boringanus with his wife (their high school prom pose game gets an F), Elisabeth Moss, Azteca from Antz, Joel McHale with Rainn Wilson, Julia Stiles, Kelly Osbourne, Lea Michele, LL Cool J, EMMY WINNER Margo Martindale!!!!, Padma Lakshmi, Rico Rodriguez and Taraji P. Henson.