Madge not only loathes hydrangeas since their seeds are so pure and weaken the evil powers she possesses in her silicone sack cheeks, but she also loathes the eyes of film festival volunteers and will not walk backstage unless their eyes are kissing the wall. We've all heard bedtime stories about how Madge orders the eyes of peons and mere mortals to not look her way when she walks by, and she was at it again during a press conference at The Toronto International Film Festival for the bland turd out of cinema's asshole called W.E.
The Globe & Mail reports that before the Dark Cuntress floated on a cloudy sliver of virgin souls through the hallway, the volunteers were told to turn around and the face wall so that they couldn't make eye contact with her royal bitchiness.
Sounds like Madonna was all smiles and compliments for Canada in general and TIFF in particular, when she visited the festival Monday to promote her new film, W.E., about famous divorcé, the Duchess of Windsor, Wallis Simpson. One observer even heard her thank the festival's orange-shirted volunteers.
It was a bit of a different story backstage, however, when eight of those volunteers were asked to turn their faces to a wall so that they would not look at the pop-star-turned-movie-director as she made her way to her press conference about the film. One volunteer told the Globe they all dutifully stood with their backs to her as she passed.
HAHAHAHAHA. As a ho who has developed a strange craving for an uncooked phyllo pocket stuffed with Elmer's Glue from staring at HQ pictures of Madge's face, I can say with complete confidence that she did them a favor.
I swear, Madge is cunting harder than Kunty Karl, Heather Mills and Kate Gosselin's cunts combined. They can all fist themselves before having a seat, because the true cunt queen is ruling hard right about now. Madge would order her army to blind a kitten with a rusty ice pick if it stared at her too long. When are we going to get to the part where Madge starts pushing children in ovens and orders the death of the fairest maiden in all the land? Bitch's cunt powers knows no bounds!
Really. Telling some volunteers to turn around is some Medusa shit. The TIFF organizers tried to get the spirit of Perseus to shoot Madgedusa with an arrow, but he was too busy rolling his eyes at her ridiculousness.
That being said, I will never forgive the volunteers for turning around just as she sashayed down the hallway to throw hydrangeas directly at her face. Missed opportunity.
Because every white actress with a SAG card has to terrorize the image of Marilyn Monroe by playing her, Michelle Williams is playing MM in that My Week with Marilyn movie and here she is in full MM drag on the cover of October's (Happy Halloween!) Vogue. Yes, this is Michelle Williams AS Marilyn Monroe. It's not a still from a Halloween episode of Dawson's Creek where Jen is waiting for Grams to pick her up after Henry dumps her at a costume party or some shit. It's very "Ahs juss sittin' here waitin' for my ride.... durp... durp.... durp... duuuuuuuuuuurp."
Why couldn't they get the other Michelle Williams (from Destiny's Child) to play Marilyn Monroe instead?
After God showed us he existed by getting the executives at TLC to put Kate Plus 8 to bed forever, Jon Gosselin shimmied out of his douche cave to say that now is the time for Kate Gosselin to get a real job like he did and stop pushing their chirruns in front of the camera for a check. That was also the day that God showed us he existed by getting Jon Gosselin to make a sense! However, peroxide, a too-tight weave and a camera light on her face 24/7 has fried the part of Kate's brain that operates reason and she no longer knows what a real job is. When you ask Kate to get a real job, she says the same shit my abuelita would tell the border guards after they asked to see her papers: NO SE? US Citizen.
During an interview on Today this morning, Matt Lauer brought up Jon's advice and Kate the Kunt responded by basically saying that anybody who works a real job is a loser who doesn't care if they raise loser kids:
"Well, it's a situation where Jon may be accepting of mediocre for his kids and working a regular job. I want the best for my kids and the best opportunities not unlike every parent. I think that to be a good parent is to work as hard as you can and give them the best opportunities in life, and this has provided that.
I think at this point, the best opportunity for all of us would be me continuing on TV as a way to provide for my kids. Something that’s exciting and challenging for me has been TV, and I wouldn’t be opposed to it.”
Translation: "I want the best for ME ME ME ME ME including a credit card from Bisou Bisou, weekly Juvederm appointments, monthly weave appointments with Beyonce's weavemaster's cousin and a team of nannies so that I can spend as little time with my money makers as possible and don't have to hear them call me by my stage name of 'mom' off camera. I want all of this with minimal effort. If doing so, completely damages all of my children and makes them run away from home as soon as they're old enough to throw their bodies into the car of a runaway train, then YAY! More money and free party time for me!
I think at this point, the best opportunity for ME would be ME continuing on TV or any other kind of job where I don't have to wear a company ID. PLEASE! SOMEBODY GIVE ME A TV SHOW! I can't go back to buying off the rack at Dress Barn and wearing clip-on hair from Sally's. PLEASE!!!!!"
Which young film hunk has a HUGE crush on gay activist/actor James Duke Mason – the 19-year-old openly gay son of Go-Go’s singer Belinda Carlisle? This star won’t be coming out of the closet anytime soon, but he and James are quickly becoming BFFs! (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip)
Taylor Lautner? Or John Travolta in fifty pairs of industrial strength Spanx, a muscle suit and a Taylor Lautner mask?
Which married big-screen tough guy has let slip his fascination with transsexual porn stars? The actor – currently going through some bumpy issues with his famous wife – was overheard at a party discussing his attraction to a certain famous she-male! (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip)
Bumpy famous wife = Jennifer Garner = Ben Affleck? So many Blake Lively jokes, so little time.
This former A+ comic movie actor and now still one in his mind, but probably just a B never speaks to this other A list movie actor. The reason? Although they both go both ways, they love guys the most and fought over one guy in particular who actually ended up going with neither of them because they both would not stop bugging him. (CDAN)
Mike Myers and Will Smith?
This foreign born, married B list movie actress who is married to a B list movie and television actor spent much of the weekend drinking and curled up in the arms of this married, very good looking also foreign born B+ movie actor. He has an open marriage. Her?
Emily Blunt, John Krasinski and Ewan McGregor? But booze cuddling is NOT cheating! The rule is if you can do it with a puppy without it being illegal, wrong or ending up on Consumption Junction, then it's not cheating. Booze cuddling with a puppy is totally G-rated (I think).
What James Franco looks like after giving a two-handed hand job to Slimer during a Pepto-Bismol storm - Towleroad
Presenting Emmy award-winning Fishsticks Paltrow who puts the EGO in EGOT - Lainey Gossip
Justin Bieber hasn't even started ovulating yet and he's already got BABIES!! on the mind - The Superficial
Swizz Beak is already thinking about sticking his Toucan nose in another ho's fruit loop - Celebitchy
RiRi of the Damned, take two - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
RiRi's weave needs an IV drip and a deshedding - Hollywood Tuna
5 more months of Beyonce's pregnancy wig is a long 5 months - Popsugar
Panty Creamer of the Day: Jason Momoa with his nipples out - Just Jared
You are what you sing - The Daily What
JLove's size 2 ass puts the threads in that dress to the test - Popoholic
Dear Natalie Portman, if you're going to suffocate Baby Aleph, please do it with a hotter looking sheet - ICYDK
Matt Dallas maybe peen tells me that his last name is referring to Dallas, Wisconsin and not Dallas, Texas (NSFW) - OMG Blog
What I'm getting from this is that Keira Knightley's shoulder blades are bigger than her tits - Cityrag
Kitten hoarders are starting younger and younger these days - The Berry
Jessica White in white - Hollywood Rag
One is named Ryan and has abs harder than a rock hard lady nipple and the other is named Ryan and can make lady nipples harder than rock hard abs. Totally the same person! - Videogum
LOATHE it - I'm Not Obsessed
Like a camel wearing a baby blue Welly sock - Moe Jackson
It's just a fact that Jenga Dog is the most talented bitch on Dlisted today, yesterday and tomorrow. Jenga Dog has the patience of a hooker on Ritalin trying to get a coke peen to stand up and the balancing skills of an Iranian tea house waiter. If you're still not impressed, then watch Jenga Dog do this while on his back!
These skills are going to come in handy when Jenga Dog has to get a job waiting tables at IHOP after he runs away from home, because he's sick of his owner teasing his ass with a tower of milk bones. This is like putting a warm wiener under Marcus Bachmann's nose while telling him not to nibble. CRUEL!
File this under: Riveting news is RIVETING!
Jason Sudeikis and Lindsay Lohan, seen here looking like a (don't click on that) prolapsed anus wearing expired eyeliner, were both at a party for Purple Magazine on Saturday night when one thing led to them trying to bust a nut into each other's mouth holes. A ho who witnessed this important moment in peanut history gave this first-hand account to Page Six:
“Jason and LiLo were sitting across from each other, then Jason started throwing peanuts or paper at her. Lindsay kept ducking to miss them until she decided to throw them right back at him. Then they began throwing nuts at each other trying to get it into each other’s mouths. Once finished they got up and hugged and started laughing together.”
This is the part in the post where I come clean and admit that I only posted this non-story so that I could use that naturally gorgeous picture of Blohan looking like hot death warmed over a plate of dehydrated scab skin. I also posted this so that when the Clinica Mobile nurse lets you know that you have once again contracted Chlamydia of the retinas, you can blame it on that headline.
One week ago, Madge made hydrangeas the happiest flowers alive when she sort of publicly declared she loathed them, and today she released a bitchified video "love letter" to her arch rival (hydrangeas, not aging with dignity) where she gave her best performance since her water bottle blow job scene from Truth or Dare!
Warning: If you're unlike Madge and don't loathe hydrangeas, you should prepare your emotions since several hydrangeas were harmed in the making of this shit.
I know it's not about the stupid flower (and more about the sad fan who probably chewed off the hand that gave Madge that hydrangea and has now developed a new hate for hydrangeas that will lead him to serial hydrangea killing), but at least Hydrangeagate is officially done!
(Thanks to everybody who sent this in)
Make no mistake about it. Terrence Howard looks like a dapper, debonair gentleman who only farts into the finest of silk scarves and mostly speaks in a smooth cashmere tone of a Barry White after-cognac burp, but if you mess with his marriage, he will SERENA WILLIAMS out and kill you through the froat! Case in point: Radar says that some moron with dirty ass for brains got a hold of what she thought was Terry Howard's cell phone number.
After getting some liquid courage in her veins, she tried to call Terry but her phone was dead. So she used her male friend's cell phone, called the number and professed her undying love for Bishop Baby Wipes in a voicemail message. But it turns out that the number she thought belonged to Terry actually belonged to his wife. So what is a Terry Howard to do when a strange lady voice verbally blows his ego on his wife's voicemail? Well, he threatens to a kill a trick, of course. Terry left this (click here to get it in your ears) love song on the dude's voicemail:
"Nigga, you been calling my wife... If you call my wife again I'm going to come to your house and I'm going to cut your fucking throat. Understand that. I'm gonna tell you this one time. You call my wife again, I'm going to kill you."
But after Terry went to his calm happy place by sniffing his wife's baby wipes fresh asshole, he called back a few days later to apologize for the misunderstanding:
"I'm so sorry for calling you and speaking that way. I thought you were somebody that's been harassing my wife. Please forgive me. My wife told me that she was receiving obscene text from you and that she was being harassed. Therefore I responded with the protective nature that a husband has for his wife. Forgive me for the anger, but as you are watching over your girlfriend, I too am devoted to my love."
If you're going to get your throat cut up, it might as well be by the hand of Terry Howard. Yes, you would die a slow painful, blood-curdling death and the last face you'd ever see would be the smug crazy face of the dude from Glitter, but at least your crime scene would be as sparkling clean as a newborn baby's fresh out of the womb ass! Terry cannot strut away from a body covered with orifice goo of any kind. Terry would whip out his baby wipes attache (seen above) and clean your body the same way he expects all of his females to clean their caca holes. Your dead body would be so damn clean that even Terry would sit next to it at dinner.
Your family members would walk in on your murdered body and scream "AAAAAAAH!," but then they'd take a whiff of the air and calmly say, "But damn it smells precious in here!" Thanks to Terry!
At a restaurant called Per Se (ugh) in NYC on Saturday night, the romantic scent of free publicity and freshly grown Puerto Rican beard hairs was in the air when JLo and Bradley Cooper sat down together for a date. TMZ says that the dinner was of the romantic kind and they were the only two at the table. Well, that's if you don't count the team of publicists who were hiding under the table and tricking B.Coop into gazing toward JLo's way by dangling Victor Garber's head shot over her head. But yeah, other than that, it was totally intimate and romantic!
Someone who works at Per Se told UsWeekly that they were there for a while, but didn't say if JLo decided to move fast by skipping to step 9 in Renee Zellweger's Ancient Art of Bearding manual by hand canoodling with B.Coop across the table as he refreshed his location on Grindr with his other paw. BUT WAIT! A different source tells People that JLo and B.Coop's Saturday night dinner date was strictly business and they only met to talk about doing a project together.
It would make sense that JLo would move fast to quickly get the taste of Skeletor's crypt dust dick and grave dirt cum balls out of her mouth, but I believe People's source. This is strictly business! If you don't believe me, do the Renee by squinting at the fine print on JLo and B.Coop's preliminary relationship contract that reads: THIS IS STRICTLY BUSINESS! GOING OFF THE SCRIPT BY PUTTING YOUR LIPS ON MY PERSON WHEN A CAMERA IS NOT AROUND IS NOT ONLY A BREACH OF CONTRACT BUT IT'S ALSO JUST GROSS. EWW!