Taylor Lautner emotes only one emotion some hos describe as ".........." when he's acting in front of a camera, but the wires in that robot chicken hawk's control panel were sparking something extra during his appearance on Spain's El Hormiguero show yesterday, because he gave FACE! FACE! BEAUTY! FACE! HE GAVE! FACE! BEAUTY! FACE!
Taylor did it so good that he even exhaled an imaginary cloud of cigarette smoke afterward.
FINALLY! A double-sided dildo in mushroom head style - Videogum
Princess Charlene's outfit is obviously a loud cry for heeeeeelp - Lainey Gossip
The Twitter Whale being in fetus position on the bottom of the Twitter ocean could have something to do with the fact its daddy stopped following its mommy - The Superficial
Still sounds better than Taylor Swift's natural singing voice - The Daily What
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
"Girl, I'd wish he'd jump this Cooper" - Bradley Cooper - Towleroad
Lacey Schwimmer and Kirstie Alley must share the same measuring tape - Celebitchy
Micaela Shaefer is what elegance is - Hollywood Tuna
Ke$hit is bloating in Brazil - Just Jared
The Trollsens just chewed on that doorman's soul with their eyes and he don't even know it - Popsugar
We're living in a world where Eva Longoria makes as much as Tina Fey does - The Berry
Jack Osbourne is going to be somebody's husband - I'm Not Obsessed
How many Fraggles died to make Rosie Huntington-Whateverly's vest? - Hollywood Rag
Vin Diesel can't drive - Cityrag
So I guess the Black Widow and Catwoman are sharing the same uniform or some shit - Popoholic
Brad Pitt sees you, Brangeloonies - ICYDK
Chris "The Dutchess" Walton, the Greta Gremlin-like beauty with the longest finger nails (and longest gums) in the world, has to clean her ass by sticking her butt against the bathtub faucet stream and the easiest way for her to do herself with a dildo is to strap one to the back of her foot, lie down, bring her foot up to her chocha and then kick her way to an orgasm. But one thing The Dutchess can do without resorting to tricks is to make a milkshake and that's what she did at the fame whore mecca Millions of Milkshakes in West Hollywood, CA the other night. Would you like extra under nail cheese with that shake?
Page Six says that Justin Theroux's BMW motorcycle has been parked in front of Jennifer Aniston's West Village apartment all week and some shady trick decided to send him a little message by showering his bike with what Aniston should've made for doing The Bounty Hunter: a bunch of cold bologna slices! Filling my head right now are scenes of Jennifer Aniston putting on a serious face to seriously tell a package of Oscar Mayer bologna that what it did to her was really uncool.
One of Jennifer's neighbors tells Page Six that while they were walking their dog early yesterday morning, they found a bologna bukkake scene playing all over Justin's bike. They said bologna was on the seat, the muffler, the engine, the everywhere! The neighbor is a regular Detective La Toya, because they said this about one of Justin's enemies losing their lunch all over bike, “I got the impression it was some weird message, like, ‘You’re full of bologna. The bike was in otherwise in fine condition.”
Maddox wouldn't touch a piece of gross bologna with Jennifer Aniston's hooves, so you can quickly pull his name out of the suspect pile! Maddox only eats Beanie Baby meat and Cabbage Patch legs. But who ever this is should be punished to the maximum extent of the cold cut laws. Not because they fucked with Justin's bike. Who cares about that bitch. They deserve punishment for wasting bologna IN THIS ECONOMY. That bologna could've been doing more important things like slapping a stripper's ass.
But we really shouldn't believe this shit until Terry Richardson posts pictures he took of Jennifer Aniston and bologna to show us that she's happy and she's okay with bologna even though it did her wrong.
The Hollywood Reporter put out an unconfirmed list of how much money each cast member from the American Pie Reunion movie put into the shoe boxes under their beds and this is what it looks like:
Jason Biggs - $5 million plus a small slice of first-dollar gross
Sean William Scott - $5 million plus a small slice of first-dollar gross
Alyson Hannigan - $3 million
Eugene Levy - $3 million
Chris Klein, Eddie Kaye Thomas, Thomas Ian Nicholas, Natasha Lyonne, Jennifer Coolidge, Mena Suvari and Shannon Elizabeth -$500,000 to $750,000 plus the possibility of bonusing
And last....and least....
Tara Reid -
Severe fucking atrocities have been committed when a treasured drunk dandelion who can entertain a world with a flash of her pulled pork stomach makes only a tiny piece of what Jason Biggs makes. "He's still alive?" is the question most hos spit out when Jason Biggs' name comes up and he makes more than Tara Reid?! Yes, that same question also comes up when you bring up Tara's name, but that's not the point!
I don't care if Jason is the star of that mess of a shit show and Tara only worked one day before getting replaced with a janitor's old mop. This is a direct threat to the alcohol industry.
But you know, Tara doesn't need that shit anyway. I'm sure she'll make zillions doing The Big Lebowski sequel.
And Tara came out the real winner here, because thanks to her ingenious idea of stealing all the sugar packets and dinner rolls from the craft service table, she was able to make a week supply of Moonshine! Take that, Jason Biggs.
If you polled a hundred people on if the Kuntrashian Klan look like a) a trio of kow gonads sprayed with a mixture of lead paint and bile; or b) a trio of transflowers, not one ho would let the letter "b" fall out of their mouth. But that's not what the Kuntrashians think. Khloe, Kim and Kourtney tell xoJane (via Radar) that when they were teenagers their dad bought them lessons with a make-up artist for Christmas and ever since then they always leave the house looking like like their tuck game is unstoppable. Let the eye rolling begin....
Khloe: We joke and we say we are like trannies because we love hair and makeup. I don’t think we necessarily need it, but we love it. But Kim, definitely, if you take off what’s on her face, her face is the exact same. She doesn't need it -- it's just like a mind thing to her. She really doesn’t need any of that on her face.
Khloe: At first we had like publicists and people who would tell us, “Girls, tone it down, stop wearing all the makeup.” But they we would read on our blogs -- like in the comments and everything -- and everyone was like, “What lipstick is this, what mascara do you use?“ We were like, "We love makeup -- so why try and be what we are not?"
It's already bad enough that Mr. Snuffaluffagus can't wander around Sesame Street without someone stopping him to say how much they love his reality show on E!, but now those KKK Kunts are offending the entire trans community with this inaccurate comparison? Stupid heffas. They wish they looked like transflowers. The only thing the Kardashians look like they're transforming from is a piece of shit into an ever bigger piece of shit. Pimp Mama Kris better lay the pimp smack down on these trash can trollops for this.
By popular demand (aka two friends emailing me), here's Adele walking around Paris singing a song that I always think is a James Blunt song whenever it yodels out of my iTunes. Listening to an Adele song makes me thank Shauna Sand's exquisite lucite heels that she wasn't around during my first major-ish relationship when I was 18. The disc changer in my Mitsubishi Mirage would've never survived if she was around then. It would've been a disgusting display marinated in a gross puddle of sappiness.
Whenever my first boyfriend and I would get into a fight over some stupid shit (examples: Him looking at the waiter at Coco's for way too long. Him not answering any of my 35 voicemails in a timely manner. A timely manner being 2 seconds after I left it. I don't care if you're taking a caca. Cut it short or learn how to push and talk at the same time.), he'd put himself on mute and ignore me for days. This happened almost every week.
Every time he did that, I'd get into my Mitsubishi Mirage and take the pilgrimage (in search of the pathetic me that lounges in the shallow parts of my soul) to his house in the middle of the night. I'd sit in my car and loudly sing along to some easy listening Emo crap while picturing him tapping his peen on the ass cheeks of that skanky, homohome wrecking Coco's waiter! Sometimes I'd sink down into new levels of teenage desperation by leaving my car to drop a small mound of dirt on his porch. I'd go to Denny's, eat a plate of fried woe is me and then I'd go back to his porch to see if the mound of dirt I left was disturbed (it never was). Just a mess that nobody should admit.
So I thank Adele for not being around then or my tonsils, my Mitsubishi Mirage and my first boyfriend's Long Beach neighborhood would've all had to enter the Scorned Gay Protection Program.
The me of today watches this video and thinks: "Bitch, just get new dick! Isn't there a bar around that bridge? Shit."
The teenage me would've called my ex-boyfriend and played this song in its entirety on his voicemail over and over again until his box filled up (throw that image back into the gutter, you sick ho), because it could no longer take the crazy.
Just like some of us, the First Lady stocks up on life's essentials like lube, wine cubes, Febreze and Pizza Rolls at the caviar to Walmart's gutter fish head known as Target! I'm sure your eyeballs have already graced these pictures when the Lifetime news bureau cut into the rerun of Dance Moms you were watching to bring you this highly important breaking news story, but I'm giving them to you again to show you that I still have an uncanny ability to bring you a story a day late. I've still got it!
As secret service agents in Target employee camouflage tased any bitch in the eye lids who threw a suspicious look at the First Lady, Michelle Obama strolled the aisles of a Target in Alexandria, Va for 30 minutes yesterday afternoon. The only person who recognized Michelle Obama was her cashier......and the Associated Press photographer who said he received a "tip" that she was there. (delivered in my best Pearl from 227 voice) Er herr. A tip. Is that the official code for Bo texting tips to AP photographers in exchange for Snausages?
You know, I'm not mad at Michelle Obama for joining good company by inducting herself into the Stunt Queen Hall of Fame. But I am mad at Michelle Obama for going to Target instead of Walmart. I mean, while inducting herself into the Stunt Queen Hall of Fame, she could've also joined the demure graceful flowers at the People of Walmart Hall of Fame. Missed opportunity!
Presenting the 2011 graduates of the Phoebe Price Seat Fillers Academy. - OurMissC
This month's meeting is adjourned. You'll find refreshments, lubricants and an air compressor in the lobby. - Snarkley
Well, it's not all that bad. Either way, dude gets the arm rest. - NoAnjl
At the world premiere, the stars of the movie Lars and the Real Girl, sit with the stars of the lower budget sequel Jim and the Not Even Fucking Close to Real Girls. - DMoan
The incredibly magical Dallas Raines!
When I was in California a couple of weeks ago and filling my insides with Double Doubles, Sourdough Yacks and the strange green shake my mom made me drink to kill the fast food pesticides that were slowly eating my internal organs (her words, not mine), I loved throwing my bloated carcass over my mom's sofa to get my daily dose of Vitamin D from the weatherman with one of the hottest made-up names in the game. Dallas has been the weatherman on Channel 7 in L.A. since the beginning of time and I grew up being dazzled by his smooth Billy Flynn-like moves. Being reunited with Dallas, taught me that either he gets his body reupholstered with the finest Corinthian leather found in a Cadillac every year, or it's really true and leather does get finer with age. Stunning has a name and it's Dallas Raines.
If it was hailing on top of my head and Dallas told me it was hailing on top of my head, I still wouldn't believe him, but I would get lost in the twinkles that spark off his unicorn finger nail veneers. (Yes, unicorns have finger nails.) Just as much as Dallas Raines loves being Dallas Raines, his bathroom mirror loves being his bathroom mirror. And I don't blame it.
And one would think that "shade" is Dallas' greatest arch rival, but that isn't the case. Dallas Raines' sworn nemesis is a big fly!
Oh, how I love Dallas Raines. And I'm guessing Nicolas Cage loves Dallas Raines as much as I do, because it's obvious that he's based all of his mannerisms on the human solar flare that is Dallas Raines.