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Remember that bright pink OctoMom butt plug that made your b-hole and uterus snap shut at the same time? Do you also remember that statue of Brit Brit birthing out a Cheetoling that made you never look at canned chicken jelly the same way again? Or the one every Brangeloonie had made into travel-sized dildo form? Or what about Suri's gold-plated shit? Well, all those works of nightmaric art came from artist Daniel Edwards and he has once again created some shit that'll make you point at the eyes on a molestation doll and scream that Daniel touched you there.

The nightmare machine in Daniel's head commanded his hands to sculpt a bronze statue of a nekkid ass nekkid Justin Bieber conjoined at the torso with a nekkid ass nekkid Selena Gomez (Lori & Reba are definitely not amused). The maple leaf over Justin's Barbie crotch represents Canada and the star over Selena's chocha represents Texas. And because staring at the horrific skid mark of a three-legged Beibez monster isn't enough to make your head swallow your eyeballs to end the madness, Daniel just had to add a Canadian goose fucking on a Texas armadillo.

While you might call this mess "NOOO!!!!," Daniel is calling it "Justin & Selena as One." It will make its debut at the New Fine Arts sex toy store in Dallas, TX sometime soon. Yes, Daniel's going to showcase this shit at a sex toy store, because you should have to show your ID and pass through a rubber curtain to see it.

The worst part is that when the robot aliens are scanning the earth after 2012 ate our civilization, they are going to find this and think these were our Gods. I hope they find Suri's gold shit instead.

Because Lindsay Lohan's days as the Lohan family's main cokewinner are long gone, White Oprah is getting desperate to find a ho to pay her bar tab so she doesn't have to try to overcome her allergic reaction to actually working a real job. That's where 17-year-old Ali Lohan comes in. Before White Oprah completely sells Ali Lohan to a gerontophile for a bag of Oxies and some drink tickets, she's going to try to make some cash off of her in the modeling world. White Oprah somehow managed to score Ali a multi-year modeling contract with NEXT Modeling Management. Benjamina Button's portrait will hang alongside pictures of Miranda Kerr and Molly Simms on NEXT's wall of models.

The only reasonable explanation for this is that White Oprah threatened to visit NEXT's office every single day and flash her freckled chest testicles at their front door security camera until they signed Ali. The press release NEXT burped out confirms this. White Oprah stood over them with her deep fried talons grabbing the bottom of her shirt, threatening to show them the double faces of hell if they didn't make the press release sound as delusional as possible.

If you ever want to be committed immediately without a psychiatric evaluation, just read the following release word for word. And do it with feeling. From Just Jared and E! Online:

"We are very excited to be representing Aliana Lohan. She represents the future face of fashion and will be a photographer's dream with her chameleon-like beauty.

In fashion, Ali will set herself apart as a bona fide icon.One that fashion fans will follow not because of her famous last name, but because of the beautiful images and fashion trends she is helping create."

Future face of fashion? Chameleon-like beauty? Bona fide icon? Has anybody at NEXT been heard from in the past few hours? Methinks White Oprah roofied their Diet Coke cooler, snuck into their offices and then typed out that wreck of a press release while they were all passed out on the floor. I don't know. But I do know that this news will make every copy of Photoshop commit suicide.

And no, that picture isn't of Hank Azaria as Gargamel. Just clearing that shit up.

Oh, it's truly a sad day when It's Pat has fallen on hard times - Cityrag

Aziz Ansari gives good comeback - Lainey Gossip

In case you didn't already know that Kim Kardassian's shame gene was lipo-ed out to make way for more plastic in her face - The Superficial

Just when I was about to call Vida Guerra a boiled Slim Jim with bolt-on titty sacks, I spot a pair of exquisite lucite heels on her feet. So let me correct myself by saying that Vida Guerra is THE MOST BEAUTIFUL boiled Slim Jim with bolt-on titty sacks. - Hollywood Tuna

Maroon 5's Moves Like Jagger video confirms that Adam Levine and Xtina do not move like Jagger - Towleroad

Tommy Girl's hold on Stepford Katie's hand is probably not unlike his hold on a hard dick - Just Jared

Kate Bosworth and her downgrade piece were at Chateau Marmont last night - Popsugar

Sharon Stone looks hot. The end. - Celebitchy

Tamara Ecclestone is in a two piece - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

How many of your memaw's tea cozies did it take to make RiRi's leggings? - Hollywood Rag

What the hell kind of GD outfit is Nicole Scherminger wearing? - Popholic

Um. Can the new Catwoman suit transform Anne Hathaway into Michelle Pfeiffer? Because if that's one of the things it can do, I'll be pleased and impressed - ICYDK

I'm tired of these motherfucking... Oh, you know the rest - The Daily What

Pfft. It's no Do The Urkel - I'm Not Obsessed

And here's Ron Artest's extra shiny dick situation (NSFW) - OMG Blog

The top of Harrison Ford's head looks like an alley cat after someone tried to cut the mange out of its fur - SOW

Nicole Scherminger in Marie Claire - The Berry

(Image via Flynet)

If you don't have 7 minutes to watch this architect give a tour of his 78-square-foot live/work space in Midtown Manhattan, then just eat a bowl of microwaved eggs under a twin bed to get the same effect.

Okay, when you move to NYC, you know that you're most likely going to live in an apartment that is smaller than Parasite Hilton's snatch (and has more bugs too). But this dude is going beyond! Dude pays $800 a month to live in a giant coffin that has no kitchen AND his ass has to share a bathroom with the other apartments on his floor. David Blaine couldn't sit in that apartment for longer than a few hours without an assistant feeding him ice chips through a door slot.

Even though this apartment is just as big as the refrigerator Cherie's stupid got stuck in during that very special episode of Punky Brewster, it's not the size that bothers me. Call me a spoiled bitch, but I'm way too old to be smelling someone else's shit fumes while I'm getting a glass of water from the shared bathroom sink.

via Neatorama

While the malnourished luckdragon of Mississippi partied with Eddie Cibrian at Chicago's Lollapalooza this past weekend, she showed everyone (read: the photographer's camera) a fake tattoo she got on the side of her carcass. The temporary tattoo is of her wedding vows and was made using the dark tears her stomach spits out because it's HONGRAY. LeAnn's tattoo says this:

"You gave me the courage to be truthful. I promise to give you the comfort to be trustful."

Can a tattoo cross itself, because that one totally is. That really is the eye roll of tattoos. I can get "I Want A Hot Clit In My Mouth" inked into my body, but that doesn't mean the tattoo is going to compel me to follow through with it. (And now I suddenly want "I Want A Hot Clit In My Mouth" tattooed on my lips.)

LeAnn then went on Twitter and tried to act like she was shocked that the media is talking about a fake tattoo she got so that the media can talk about it.

Too funny! I got a stencil not a tattoo! Its not "news"... however, I can't get it off. In search if rubbing alcohol I think!

That is too funny. "I can't get it off. In search of rubbing alcohol" is the exact line Eddie Cibrian is going to huff out when his side whore tells him she's uncomfortable with him finger banging her with his wedding ring on. No! Eddie Cibrian isn't that stupid. He's a seasoned cheater now. He only wears a clip-on wedding ring.

Which hip-hop star’s gold teeth are emitting a foul stench? Music industry noses are turning away in disgust because of his vile breath—but it doesn’t seem to put off the ladies. (Page Six)

Lil Wayne? That goblin sees the dentist about as much as his dick sees a condom. I bet his bref reeks like a constipated pig's ass after a bareback butt orgy in a trough full of trash water.

Note to hos: If you ever let Lil Wayne go down on you, make sure you gargle your cooch out with Listerine afterward. You don't want gingivitis of the pussy and you certainly don't want to queef out food chunks.

This future bride is now in full panic mode about her wedding day. Her dress doesn’t fit. Rather than spend the next few weeks exercising and dieting, she has decided on more drastic measures, and has a three-point plan at the ready: She has ordered up a liquid diet for the week before the event; she has scheduled a colon cleanse during the final hours leading up to the big day; and, if she’s feeling particularly desperate, she has some little white pills at the ready. (Blind Gossip)

Sherri Shepherd? Kim Kardassian can squeeze her fat ass into anything since she has no bones or internal organs and is only filled with the blood of Satan.

This D list “actress” that was really made famous for her work on a drama/sitcom in the late 90′s is finding it hard to pay for her pill habit. To fund her dangerous and dark habit, she has been meeting people on Craig’s list for money. (BuzzFoto)

Lisa Nicole Carson from Ally McBeal? Lisa was shown the exit door on Ally McBeal, because she allegedly was hooked on the bad shit and kept acting the fool on set, so I'll guess her. Listening to Vonda Shepard sing cover after cover can do that to a ho.

Proving that no marriage vows are sacred in Hollywood, this B- actress who will drop to a C- after a certain franchise is over apparently is ready to be the next Mrs when the marriage of this A- actor is finally announced to be ending. The couple has had a few moments here and there over the past few months and the other night, our actor was overheard telling his assistant that the actress cornered him, dragged him into a bathroom and orally serviced him. He also said the following. "You know who would never do that." (CDAN)

Ashley Greene and Ben Affleck?

If you're a woman who should ever find Jeremy Irons' hand cupping your nalgas without a verbal permission slip, there's no need to reenact everyone's favorite sexual harassment PSA by telling him that you don't have to take it! Jeremy is just being friendly. Jeremy doesn't believe in tooth bleach and he also doesn't believe that an ass pat is worth getting the law involved.

Jeremy told Britain's Radio Times (via CM) that he thinks women nowadays are way too quick to scream ADULT MOLESTATION when a man gently patty cakes them on the ass cheek. Jeremy blames political correctness.

"It's gone too far. There are too many people in power with too little to do, so they churn out laws to justify their jobs.

I hope it's a rash that will wear itself out. If a man puts his hand on a woman's bottom, any woman worth her salt can deal with it. It's communication. Can't we be friendly?"

Jeremy is completely right and it doesn't make him an old skeeze geezer pervert for saying so. Men were given hands to shake the hands of other men during business deals and to fix cars or some shit. Women were given hands to cook meals, change diapers and work a stripper pole. Women folk can't say "hi" with their hands, because they should have their hands full of pie dough, babies and stripper poles! So a man has no choice but to say "hi" by shaking a lady's ass cheek. This is from the natural laws of DUH!

And a lady can obviously return the "hi" by kneeing Jeremy. I would say "by macing him," but again, you should have BABIES!!!! in your hands, not mace!

And I don't know why I'm acting like women are actually reading this. They should be too busy getting ready for TUBE TOP TUESDAYS at the office. (Serious note: I really wish Dlisted's offices had TUBE TOP TUESDAYS.)

The next time your dude throws you "but that shit is hot pink, covered with rainbow studs and has a Hello Kitty purse chain hanging off of it" side-eye when you ask him to hold your handbag so you can squat over a toilet inside of the mall bathroom, tell him it could always be worse. You could ask him to hold your pink pistol instead.

An Arizona dude accidentally went for Darwin's very special Lorena Bobbitt Award when he tucked his girlfriend's pink pistol in his waistband and it prematurely ejaculated a bullet straight through his dick. Who ever comes to this story from Googling "pink pistol shoots load onto dick" will have to pull up their chonies and reschedule fapping time.

I would take this HIGHLY IMPORTANT work of broadcast journalism seriously if the local reporter wasn't dressed like a frat boy's idea of business casual. There is nothing casual about this story! Dude could've at least popped his collar up since we all know that a popped up collar in 2011 means serious business.

via The Daily What

Gavin DeGraw seems pretty damn harmless. Gavin wrote that song "Chariot" and that one song that was in the opener for One Tree Hill for a while, and the top of his head has never felt outside oxygen since it's always covered with a newsboy cap. Seriously, Gavin looks like a Newsies' extra who never let go. The question "Who the hell would want to issue a 'Whoop That Trick' on Gavin DeGraw?" has never filled my head, but it is now after reading that he got the beat down in NYC early Monday morning.

The New York Post says that Gavin was walking through the East Village at around 4 in the morning when he was attacked by a group of newsboy cap haters who broke his nose and cut up his face. After the attack, Gavin stumbled for 13 blocks to 19th Street and 1st Avenue where he was clipped by a taxi. Gavin is now laid up at at Bellevue Hospital.

Something in the milk ain't clean, because sources say Gavin was not robbed.

The world is going to shit. London is burning, hos are going crazy in the brains and our singer/songwriters can't safely walk the streets of NYC at 4 in the morning (THINK OF THE SINGER/SONGWRITERS!!!). Let's just fast forward to the near future where we're all covered in dirt and have to fight each other for the last chicken head in the alley using shanks we made from fish bones.

I mean, Gavin DeGraw?! It's not like he's James Blunt. Or Nickelback.

And I bet that newsboy cap never once left Gavin's head during that whole mess.

"I'd rather go naked than wear hur." - TexnDoc

Runners-up:

The bad thing about having a threeway with Spiderman is that he comes and then goes. - OurMissC

The Silence of the Lambs Dancewear Collection - Sweetas

The full effects of using Sevin Nyne weren't known until years later. - chinchilla

Source: Giz Factory via WOW Report