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One of the first things I did this morning (after weeping at the morning and praying to my traveling Rojo Caliente altar aka a Nike shoe box with a Hobbit sock doll in it) was paid tribute to my new favorite Mayor of HoShitville whose campaign slogan is: Yes I Can Get Hit From The Back On Top Of A Tower In Broad Daylight. So it only felt fitting to end the day with this New Mexico State Trooper who told a ho to raise her labia where he can see them before pulling out his baton and performing an internal investigation on the hood of her car with his uniform and belt still on! That sound of grease splatters you hear is Gerard Butler running his ass to Santa Fe to join the police department.

A camera that was set up at Santa Fe County Ranch to catch taggers instead caught the officer reading a trick's chocha her rights with his peen. The Santa Fe County Sheriff's Office put the officer on leave while they investigate to see if he broke any laws.

Three things:
1. I hope she got out of her speeding ticket, because that would be some wrong shit if he handed her one while she was cleaning her coochie with Handi Wipes.
2. Can't he just say that he had reason to believe she hid a dime bag up her cooze and he is so devoted to getting the bad shit off the streets that he performed a cavity search with his drug-sniffing dick?
3. Whatever happens, Officer McSlutty and his ho should be proud that they made a horny meerkat's (or whatever that is) day.

via USA Today

In "A Check is a Check" news, FOREVER A-LIST SUPERSTAR Shannen Doherty is using her celebrity to support this nation's education system by getting her liberal arts degree at a Poison Ivy League (which is sort of like ivy league, but sexier) online university thanks to Education Connection.

Brenda Walsh doesn't say in this mess, but if I sign up will I run into her in the cyber hallways, or get cyber drunk with her before the cyber prom, or cyber hold down that homewrecking whore slut Kelly Taylor while she cyber slaps her in the cyber mouth? Because that's a selling point. Better yet, Shannen should just dump this Education Connection mess and open an online West Bev High School. It'll be like Dungeons and Dragons for whores of the early 90s who can't let go.

(Thanks Shamah)

This B- list model is not used to actually having to do anything for the money she is paid. Oh, not for modeling, but for being a girlfriend. See, our model previously was the girlfriend for an A list rapper and he only wanted her by his side to look pretty so people would think he liked women. She loved the role. He finally got tired of paying though so she moved on to another rapper who did not have as much money or fame, but it beat trying to audition for modeling jobs. The thing is though her latest guy is straight and expects way more from the model other than to look pretty. At this point she cannot stand the guy but has no other options. Plus, she thinks she can get a reality show out of this. (CDAN)

Orange Carnation (aka Amber Rose) and Wiz Khalifa? But if she's a B- list model, then Lindsay Lohan is an A-list voice of reason.

Although she works hard to present herself to the world as a wonderful person, this actress has a black streak a mile wide. She wants what she wants when she wants it, and she enjoys it even more if it hurts someone she dislikes. In this case, she is still pouring salt into the wound of the woman whose husband she stole. The woman has since moved on to a new relationship, but the actress just can’t leave bad enough alone. She wants the woman’s new beau to star with her in a movie. Considering that the beau is barely on anyone’s radar as an actor, it’s clearly a move designed by the actress to hurt the woman. BTW, although it would mean a big boost to his career, the beau will turn down the part out of loyalty to the woman. (Blind Gossip)

Angie Jo, Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux. No question mark needed since here's Exhibit: EVERYTHING. But importantly, why in clogged arteries hell do we need Salt 2: Saltier?!

This B/C list film actress from a series spent a summer as a young girl in Europe and allegedly had a baby from a fling there. She gave the baby to the father’s family. Ever since making her money in Hollywood, she has sent financial assistance to the family, under the strict instruction that child not know who the money was from. (BuzzFoto)

Teri Polo from Meet the Parents? It's all I've got.

What former just about A list tweener singer who now makes her living being a party girl wants new breasts. She already has fake ones but wants to go bigger, because as she said it, "Lets face it. My breasts are the only reason I get hired for anything and I need to find a guy before the rest of me goes." (CDAN)

This is probably Noah Miley Cyrus, but I'm going to say it's Hoku, because every time the name Hoku is typed a tiny bubble dances across the wind in Hawaii.

What former Housewife crashed a premiere party for another show and begged producers to put her on their show. (CDAN)

I have no idea. But here's some pictures of the prostitution whore-ah herself Danielle Staub giving "The Grinch doing kabuki" face at yesterday's Basketball Wives L.A. premiere. I'm just posting this mess for no reason, because it's totally not related to the blind item above at all.

This might be because I've always got dick on the brain, but Hugh Jackmeoff's torso hair is shaped like a skinny peen with a mushroom head - Lainey Gossip

Pimp Mama Kris is giving her daughter a touching wedding present by buying the sex tape that made her whole family famous - The Superficial

This. Tape. Must. Leak. Now. - Towleroad

Save our animals, especially Pamela Anderson's camel toe - Egotastic!

Matt Damon is a GOOPophile - Celebitchy

The beard wears a stache, and other pictures from Julianne Hough's hacked cell phone - Celebslam

Kate Hudson's chichis brought to her by her growing fetus - Popsugar

RiRi's vacation is never going to end - Hollywood Tuna

Claudia Schiffer's got the whisper of brows - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

Dean Rainbow Sherbert is a husband (to a woman) again - Just Jared

It's going to be a long few months watching Hilary Duff walk to and from her car every day - Popoholic

Lies Young Outlawz told me - ICYDK

The Glittery Gays and Girls of the Femme Fatale Tour do their own tribute to Our Lady of Cheetos - The Berry

Soggy white buns provided by the Foo Fighters - The Daily What

Things my dog needs - OMG Blog

Every Hollywood ho but Lindsay Lohan is in that Pregnancy Day movie - I'm Not Obsessed

Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake are back together and look happier than ever (served in a bicycle basket full of sarcasm) - Moe Jackson

The Who Are Yous of the VMAs- Hollywood Rag

More like fugly ass heels of the VMAs - Cityrag

William Shatner rides Craig Ferguson - SOW

Breakfast at Dionne's - Crunk + Disorderly

Cancel all your plans tonight (e.g. figuring out how to grow weed seeds on a Chia Pet and coming up with a way to ferment your tears), because you must take a field trip into the dark part of your closet.

Because you're going to need to fish out your Dee Lite bell bottoms (they're next to your box of velvet chokers and right over your Doc Marten Mary Janes) now that the fashion icon of the halfway house Spaz de la Huerta has let it be known that fall is all about airing your ankles out. Just make sure to accessorize them with patent vagina shoes and permanent period face like Spaz haz!

Just when you thought Lindsay Lohan was already lying at the bottom of a mountain of pathetic desperation, the moronic duffel bag of clearance bin coke grabs a shovel and digs even further.

While watching Chris Brown beat the stage at the VMAs, Blohan felt the urge to subtlety purge about her horniness for Urkel Turner by blowing him a Twatter wink:

@ChrisBrown killed it. #MTVVMAs

@chrisbrown wanna meet?

All the used kitty litter Blohan snorts when she can't afford an 8-ball has eaten every bit of dignity she had left, because bitch doesn't even give a fuck anymore. Yes, most of us scream our faces off about how this dumb fuck needs to get some sense beaten into her, but I don't think this is what we had in mind. Speaking of that, Blohan is going to be extremely disappointed when she finds out that the kind of fisting she gets into is not the same kind of fisting Chris Brown gets into.

Life & Style says that at a party in Malibu over the weekend, LeAnn Rimes' life idol Brandi Glanville stuck her lizard tongue down the dark tunnel of random pussy juices that is Gerard Butler's man whore throat. Eddie Cibrian better start hiding cash in a bread box in the food pantry (a place LeAnn will never ever go), because it looks like her ass is about to sink her bony claws into another one of Brand's pieces. Eddie has been warned.

A witness at the party says that when Brandi and Gerard weren't filling their mouths with the sweet nectar, they were filling their mouths with each other's saliva. The witness put it like this: "They were at a private beach party -- drinks were flowing, and one thing led to another. Next thing you know, they're dancing together to some music, hands started getting frisky and it was a full-on make-out! Everyone saw it. One girl tried to snap a photo of it on her phone, but Gerard politely asked for privacy."

This is not surprising. Brandi will hump on anything that will get her a blurb in Life & Style (well played) and Gerard will hump on anything period. Don't believe me, if you ever need to make chicken fried steak and don't have a tenderizer handy, just throw the meat toward Gerry. Gerry will pound that meat until it's pan ready. Yes, there will be bits of genital wart skin stuck inside of it, but just eat it with a condom over your tongue.

But still. Brandi and Gerry making out in public? Gross. It probably looked like a banana slug eating a praying mantis and sounded like a Whoopee Cushion getting hit with a sponge full of bacon grease.

Here is a visual artist's interpretation of what it feels like to watch Brandi Analglandville and Gerry Slutler make out:

The Cathedral of Saint John the Baptist will be closed for renovation today as crews take down the Shroud of Turin and throw it into the back alley dumpster outside since there's no need for it now that Vanity Fair has published THE HOLY FACE OF ANJESUS on their new cover. In Vanity Fair's new issue, which the Gideons will distribute to motels across the country beginning next month, Angie Jo says that the child army isn't hiring at the moment and also said that she and Brad Pitt will not bless the sanctity of marriage anytime soon.

Angie mostly talked about the new movie she wrote and directed called In The Land of Blood and Honey. No, it's not about the civil unrest on Pooh Corner. It's also not a post-apocalyptic tale about a battle for the last box of Nuttin' Honey (I WISH!). It's a love story between a woman and her torturer set during the Bosnian War. So it's sort of like a symbolic film about the time you watched The Tourist while sober (sans the love story part). Here's what Angie Jo had to say about that shit:

On how Brad thinks she's going to throw shade at directors now that she's a director (I see you eye rolling) herself: “Brad thinks I’m going to be a nightmare. I had such a good experience he thinks I’m going to be impatient with directors, which I already am. I get impatient with people working on a film that have their head in their hands like it’s the most complicated thing in the world.”

On how she'll thank her crusty green phlegm loogies when she wins every Oscar for her movie: "I had the flu. I had to be quarantined from the children for two days. I was in the attic of a house in France. I was isolated, pacing. I don’t watch TV and I wasn’t reading anything. So I started writing. I went from the beginning to the end. I didn’t know any other way.”

On what Brad thought of the script after she gave it to him to read: “He called and said, ‘You know, honey, it’s not that bad.’”

On taking directing advice from Brad: “He’d come in and say what he liked or what he didn’t understand. Like any woman, I would listen to most of it and fight a few things. He’s been so supportive. But it’s hard to separate the person that loves you from the critic, so I don’t think he’s a fair judge. People will judge for themselves. I think if you make a good movie people walk away arguing.”

On baby and wedding crap: “I’m not pregnant. I’m not adopting at the moment. There's no secret wedding."

And here's another picture from the issue of Zahara and one of the chosen ones:

The photographers should've taken the picture from the other side, because I'd rather see the "Trick, you called me over here because you said you had some crap to whisper in my ear and now you're suddenly a mute? And quick posing like you're letting out a slow-to-come queef with your mouth. It's creeping me out. My time: you're wasting it!" look Zahara is obviously throwing.

David Gest really needs to keep his bestiality fantasies involving Bubbles, Whitney Houston and Michael Jackson to himself, because the world doesn't want to know the SUCIONESS that slithers around in the gutters of his imagination. Okay, maybe we do, because if he did keep that mess to himself we'd never have this hilariously creepy story about a chimp's toe sucking fetish. This is what David Gest said during a Michael Jackson documentary that's supposed to air in the UK this October:

“Whitney was having dinner with Michael at his Neverland home when she accidentally dropped her knife under the table. While Michael was retrieving it for her, Whitney felt her toes being sucked. She moaned, ‘Michael, is that you? Don’t stop. That’s so sensual’. Yet Michael’s head popped up and her toes were still being sucked. It turned out it was Bubbles."

HAHAHAHA. David needs to show us the receipts or shut his second face, because this really reads like bad fan fiction. Like Whitney would ever use the word "sensual." Bitch isn't Courtney Stodden! Whitney would say something like "Ooooh, baby, suck the dirt out of that nail!" or "Get that jam like your tongue is peanut butter and we're trying to swirl up some Goobers!" or "When you're done there, baby, use that sweet suction cup mouth to suck out my doodie bubble, because I got a boatload with a stuck anchor."

Wait. Maybe that's why they call him BUBBLES?! Shit. Good. Night.

via The Mirror

Remember back in March when you had to stand in the long line at the free clinic to get your ear holes gargled out with an amoxicillin rinse after you made the mistake of listening to Kim Kardashian's whorrendous shit single which sounded like a drugged skank toddler faking an orgasm for an illegal underground chat line? Well, Kim made a video for that piece of shit and above is a 1-minute preview that leaked yesterday. To say that the leak Ray-J's crooked dick made on Kim during her sex tape was more enjoyable to watch than this leak is a damn understatement bigger than the corroded cum ball Pimp Mama Kris pushed out after E! passed her a check for her main whore's wedding.

But it brings a fart to my asshole to see that Kim has finally returned to what she's good at: slithering around like a fat fish dying in an oil slick. This is some public access soft core shit from the early 90s and I'm mad that Robin Byrd doesn't pop out to tell us that you can get a personal lap dance from this lovely lady during her day shift at Cheetah's.

Kim is as brave as she is untalented, though. The last time a gross, greasy pig crawled around like that in a Kardashian's presence, Khloe galloped onto the set, grabbed it by its neck and dragged it kicking and squealing to her eatin' den. Where the the hell was Khloe Kardashian when we needed her most?!

If you're like me and made the mistake of watching that pile of ass lube, then I guess I'll see you in line at the free clinic for an amoxicillin eyeball rinse!

Here's Kourtney, her kid, Scott Dickhead and Kim arriving at JFK last night to start shooting their reality show Kim & Kourtney Take It Up The Ass in NYC. I didn't know Louis Vuitton made custom made Nuvaring cases for big-pussied whores?