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Didn't Brenda Song's trainer teach her to always use a saddle (aka Trojan horse condom) when going horseback riding? I guess not, because Celebuzz is saying that inside of 23-year-old Brenda Song's womb a tiny fetus is putting its little tiny fetus hooves together and praying that the Song gene is its dominant one. A source tells them that Brenda, who was in some Disney crap and The Social Network, pulled some Catherine the Great shit on 22-year-old Trace Cyrus' horse dick and now she's going to birth out an Asian centaur that will gallop out of her pussy in a few months. Brenda led a horse to her vagina and it did more than DRANK.

While I NEEEEEIGH at the image of Auntie Noah and Auntie Miley try to pull an apple off of a tree to feed it to their nephew Flicka, read what Celebuzz had to say about this mess:

Big congrats to Brenda Song and Trace Cyrus! The couple is expecting their first child together, Celebuzz can exclusively report.

“They are beyond thrilled,” a source tells us. “They are about eight weeks along.”

The Social Network star and Miley Cyrus‘ brother have been quietly seeing each other for several months, but made their first appearance together on the red carpet at Nylon Magazine’s party in early May.

Trace’s publicist could not be reached for comment.

This Emo bestiality shit was probably Equus' original ending, but even Peter Shaffer knew he was going too far.

Well, the good news is that first time birth shouldn't be that bad for Brenda. All she has to do is shove a live snake up her ass and that hapa foal will come galloping for ITS LIFE out of her coochie before you can say "sugar cube." And if Babies 'R Us hasn't already stocked their shelves with newborn feedbags and baby hooves for Kimbo Stewart's baby, now might be a good time to do so.

The 16-year-old horny garden lizard with a weave nest on top of her head and her 51-year-old husband with gay serial killer face brought their love to Australia's The Morning Show today and it was a luded up, dragged down mess as usual. Courtney Stodden is the kind of mess my 11-year-old gay self wanted to be and Doug Hutchison is what my 51-year-old gay self will be if I do too many poppers and accidentally order a lady bride while in a meth haze.

I still don't know how these are real human beings who breathe in oxygen like the rest of us. How are they not mutated pieces of porn bots, Komodo dragon labias and charred foreskin? I keep waiting for the Tales of the Crypt credits to come up after every single one of their interviews. Bitches are the circus that keeps on circus-ing!

While Courtney's strap tried to get as far away from her "coked up zombie pushing out a hard shit in slow motion" facial expressions, the demure goddess flower said that they are working on a reality show and it will be like no other. Then Courtney and Doug let out a gutter river of quotes that will make your stomach lining and your tongue become one:

Doug: 51 + 16 = Love....in our world.
Courtney: Sexy love!

Courtney: Because of his face, his body, his sexy hair. Talk about seducing! He seduced me immediately! I knew off the bat that he was the one for me and that was it. When you find that one man you know you love, go for it!

Doug: Courtney embodies the classic iconic figures of the past. The Marilyn Monroes. The Sharon Tates. The Pamela Andersons.
Courtney: Old Hollywood. Very classy! The world should not forget beautiful woman like that. They have made a beautiful impact on the world.

AND Doug and Courtney's dogs are named Tuna and Bizarre! TUNA AND BIZARRE! That's pretty much what the room would smell like if they tried to fuck. I say "would" because Doug is gayer than a unicorn horn butt plug up a Care Bear's ass. And those dogs. I've seen a dog make a FUCK MY LIFE face before, but I've never seen one like the one Bizarre is making. Bizarre is looking at Courtney the same way Ripley side-eyed that blind alien trying to eat her face. Looking like Riff Raff from Rocky Horror Show is no way for a dog to go through life.

Now, I leave you with a few of Courtney's hilarious Twats presented without comment, because they speak for themselves:

Experiencing such a wet 'n wild afternoon by turning on a water hose and squirting it all over my heated flesh! Mmm feeling rejuvenated! XOs
20 Aug

Had a blast last night @ the Santa Monica Pier. I loved performing dances on the light up poles. Who knew a ferris wheel could be so fun?!
22 Aug

While Doug prepares a delicious din-din, I arouse his appetite by shakin it on the kitchen counter to "Car Candy" ... Just doin' my job! ;-)
21 hours ago

via Radar

In possibly related news, a street pole is now pregnant - I'm Not Obsessed

Puppies around the Mimi pole - Lainey Gossip

I vote Papa Bear's back tattoo off the island - Towleroad

Dear Vanessa Hudgens, Deedee Magno from the Mickey Mouse Club called, she wants her 1991 wardrobe back - Hollywood Tuna

You know you're doing something right when you look like a Toddlers & Tiaras beauty queen in the swimsuit portion of a pageant - Hollywood Rag

Hot Helen Mirren being hot - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

I feel like I need to be face-numbing stoned or wearing an ironic t-shirt to fully enjoy OK Go's Muppet Theme Song video - The Berry

Why does Milla Jovovich looks like she has a knee growing out of her thigh? - The Superficial

George Michael and Kenny Goss broke up two years ago - Celebitchy

When desperate bitches ask their desperate friends to send out a desperate Tweet to desperately save their job - Just Jared

The Disney princesses (sans Zac Efron) sing their sequins off - The Daily What

Something tells me the earthquake had a lot to do with that herd of elephants and army of tow trucks trying to get JLo out of those leather pants - Popoholic

Just here for the PUPPY in a basket!!!! - Popsugar

ANGIE JO'S FACE - ICYDK

21 Marilyn Monroe tattoos that are less shitty than Megan Fox's - Cityrag

Swipethemagnets speaks for me today - Videogum

That little blank space on Khia's mug shot gallery was making me itch and so the OCDer deep in me thanks her for doing something about it by getting busted in Dekalb County, Georgia over the weekend. My favorite poet and the mug shot supermodel graced the police station camera with her pose skills after she was arrested for "concealing/endangering property-secured interest." Straight from the A translated that into real talk: Bitch hid a car she owed payments on. Sonia from Operacion Repo is coming for you, Khia! Hopefully, Sonia also repossess Khia's gremlin brows while she's at it.

Khia posted $500 bail and was released back into the wild, but not before she gave the world her latest:

You never thought you'd see Elmer Fudd as Annie, did you? Khia is a true chameleon.

Every Glamour Shots should be shut down and replaced with Khia's Academy of Mug Shot Glamour, because there are some sad and dusty mug shot takers out there (Lindsay Lohan) who could use her expertise and learn how to smile like it's first grade picture day or some shit.

As I was watching this video of a Miss Brazil 2011 wannabe go bitch boom on the stage floor, I felt my life shake. That is some 4D shit. I'm rusty when it comes to earthquake riding, so I figured one of my neighbors was playing Dance Dance Revolution again. But then I realized that God brought down his mighty fist over all of his basic cable channels focusing all their airtime on that Kartrashian bullshit. When God shakes his head, we must listen.

I hope this 5.9 earthquake is a one time wink from the rapture, because I really don't want to have to find a safe place outside of my apartment to keep my earthquake kit (aka lube and a plastic jug full of vodka for disinfecting the river water, of course).

via SayOMG

Welcome to another edition of "The Shit That Comes Out Of Megan Fox's Mouth Hole." The future Oscar ceremony sweat warmer and the reincarnation of Plato (not Dana, the other one) must have just come across Marilyn Monroe's Wikipedia page, because she tells Italian magazine Amica (via ONTD) that tattoo of Marilyn's face on her arm is queefing out negativity into her positive aura and so she's lasering it off. Sort of like how that fire roasted douchebag Michael Bay lasered Megan Fox's negative energy off of the Transformers movies. Megan adjusted the energy-cleansing dildo of burning sage in her ass and said this about her Marilyn tattoo:

"I’m removing it. It is a negative character. She suffered from personality disorders and was bipolar. I don’t want to attract this kind of negative energy in my life. And who knows? I’m thinking of removing some other tattoos, but the pain in the sessions of laser removal is terrible."

Bitch, that busted tattoo could say the same thing about you. In other words, bitch's facelift pushed the thin layer of bull shit out of her eyes and made her see that her tattoo looked more like a Blasian Beyonce impersonator in a dusty swap meet wig.

This is good news for the other hos in Marilyn's crypt since they can rest now that her body will stop rolling, but this is bad news for all of the casting agents of Hollywood. They can no longer use Megan's shattoo to hide the fact that they aren't casting her because her acting skills make a dried cat piss stain on a cardboard box seem like the Meryl Streep of its kind. The "we just don't have the make-up budget to cover up Megan's lovely tattoo...yeah, that's it" excuse is out of play. Damn, that Megan!

That being said, don't ever change, Professor Whore Face!

The blood veins in Amy Winehouse's body were not flowing with narcotics of the illegal kind when she rode on a dirty ballet slipper up to the giant weave hive in heaven. That's what Amy's family tells Reuters. They say that the toxicology reports have come back and not one dollop of the illegal (key word: illegal) bad shit was found in her system, but booze was. Amy's family put out this statement:

"Toxicology results returned to the Winehouse family by authorities have confirmed that there were no illegal substances in Amy's system at the time of her death. Results indicate that alcohol was present but it cannot be determined as yet if it played a role in her death."

Scotland Yard tells TMZ that a Bloodhound dog in a bobby hat has yet to deliver the report to them (that's how their reports get delivered, right?).

Mitch Winehouse has already said that he didn't think Amy's lips touched a crack pipe for a while before her death, so this report has put him one step closer to getting an honorary monocle from Detective La Toya Jackson. However, Mitch Winehouse has also said that he thinks Amy died of sudden booze withdrawal since she quit the bottle cold turkey, so that honorary monocle has just taken one step back. Don't let that stop you, Mitch. Keep on getting down to the BOTTOM OF EVERYTHING.

Everything that needs to be said is being said in that picture above, but I'll say it in anyway. InTouch is hearing from some "insider" that Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith have both skipped into a barber shop together and shaved the beard off of their faces:

After 13 years of marriage, Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith have decided to separate, an insider tells In Touch Weekly exclusively. They have two children, Jaden and Willow, together. And Jada is stepmother to Will's son, Trey, from a previous marriage.

When TMZ asked Will and Jada's rep, Karynne Tencer, to either give a thumbs up or a thumbs down to this shit, she didn't even try to give half of a fuck about it.

"What? In Touch said that? I know nothing about this ... Lord. I'm going back to bed."

Karynne says almost the exact same thing every time she accidentally walks into a room and catches Jada wielding a mighty strap-on attached to some genitals that are not attached to Will Smith. But seriously, I won't believe this until I see Will carrying a box full of Xenu-shaped dildos out of the Scientology rec room. Will and Jada are stuck together like Tommy Girl's mouth on a David Beckham poster. (Seriously, the Scientology slaves have to threaten to spray Tommy with a hose full of liquid anti-depressants if he doesn't take his mouth off of it. It's a gross scene).

I find it hard to believe that Will & Jada would skip away from their infinite cycle mansion and more importantly, skip away from all the attention they get for being a happy couple who can't stop fucking each other. If there's no hope for Will & Jada, then there's no hope for Tommy & Katie or Kelly & John Travolta. This is a direct threat to the art of bearding. I'm going back to bed too.

UPDATE: Will's son Trey went on Twitter to say, "Will and Jada getting a DIVORCE ..NOT TRUE AT ALL !! RETWEET."

Will and Jada's rep finally got out of bed and only said that the rumor about her crotch doing the limbo under Skeletor's wrist dick is not true, "All the rumors regarding Marc Anthony and Jada are false. Completely untrue. As for [the reports of a split between] Will and Jada, I'm not commenting on their personal life."

UPDATE II: Will and Jada finally issued this shit: "Although we are reluctant to respond to these types of press reports, the rumors circulating about our relationship are completely false. We are still together, and our marriage is intact." Translation: Contract negotiations were successful!

With all those pictures of Jennifer Garner wearing shirts straight from Walmart's maternity line, hos figured that she's either on that KFed diet or a baby is squatting in her uterus and paying for the placenta cutlet it's eating with fetus barfs and belly kicks. It's the latter. Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck announced last night that she'll soon birth out a third child whose tiny nostrils will have to get used to the musky scent of casino smoke, wig glue and cologne you buy from one of those gas station cologne machines to cover up fuck fumes that have marinated into your crotch. This is what the Associated Press had to say about the newest Garfleck.

A one-sentence statement released Monday says the actors are "thrilled" to have another baby on the way. The couple has two daughters, 5-year-old Violet and 2-year-old Seraphina Elizabeth Rose Affleck.

No other details were released.

Affleck and Garner, both 39, were married in 2005.

Those quotation marks hugging thrilled make it looks like that shit was delivered with a sarcastic eye roll and the kind of huff a ho lets out when it's 4am, her newborn baby is killing ceiling paint with its holler, her husband is not in the building and his cell phone keeps going to voicemail. "I'm thrilled that you're listening to this shit as you throw the nasty boxers you used to wipe your whore's pussy juices off of your dick into the dumpster outside of Burger King," is the message she'll leave.

But yeah, my first thought when I read about this last night was that a blind item finally got its sight. My second thought was that Band-Aid Begonia Affleck does have a certain ring to it.

Valerie Simpson is without her Ashford today, but heaven is now with a mighty lion whose nipples blow out glitter confetti (proof above) and can whip out a melody with just the flip of his glorious mane. Nick Ashford of Ashford & Simpson is now singing God's permanent campaign song "Solid" live up in heaven today. Nick passed away from throat cancer at a hospital in New York last night. Nick was 69 years old.

Ashford & Simpson's love first bloomed when they met in 1964 and they immediately started making beautiful music together. Together they wrote: Ain't No Mountain High Enough, I'm Every Woman, Reach Out and Touch Somebody's Hand, Found a Cure, Ain't Nothing Like The Real Thing, You're All I Need To Get By and a million more. Basically, if Ashford & Simpson never wrote songs together, our ears, Marvin Gaye, Chaka Khan, Diana Ross, romantic comedies, every stupid contestant on every stupid singing reality competition, karaoke bars, your mom on cleaning day and wedding DJs would all be fucked.

Nick is survived by his partner in everything Valerie and their two daughters.

Rest in peace, Nick.