As the chapel's window fogged up with a greasy cloud of whiskey burps, coke sweat and future regrets, the original Lindsay Lohan, Tara Reid, broke her streak as an always fiancee by becoming a bride in Greece today. I would write "hopa" in all Kanyes, but if I type it that loud I may wake Tara up from her drunk marital coma and she'll once again crash the nearest bar to give another wedding night beej to a full Ouzo bottle. Nobody wants that.
Tara's rep (yeah, don't you call your dealer your "rep" too) confirms to People that she married her boyfriend of about five seconds, Danish businessman Michael Lilleund, in Greece today. Michael Lilleund is not to be confused with Tara's last fiance and my personal favorite, Michael Axtmann (that's Michael Assman if your anus lips whistle at man bulge).
Michael Lilleund and Tara were only engaged for a quick second. In the span of just a few hours, Tara Twatted that she was engaged and then she announced that she was Michael's wife. This is your engagement on speed. Here's what Tara slur Tweeted yesterday:
I just got engaged!
Thank you for all of your support! I love you guys
Love in Greece...I am now a wife:)
Just got married in greece I love being a wife!
21 hours ago
I swear, the coke in Greece is no joke. What happens in Greece, gets quickie divorced in the Dominican Republic!
Seriously, I haven't checked Tara's Twatter in the past hour, but I'm pretty sure it reads: "I'm divorced! I love being an ex-wife!" HOPA! Oh, shit. I didn't mean to scream type that. There goes Tara barreling toward the bar....
In case you haven't heard, Lizzie McGuire is no longer a 14-year-old high school student who still thinks that heavy petting is some shit you do to goats at the zoo. Lizzie McGuire, got her period, grew up, gave balcony head, got married and now has a womb full of baby. 23-year-old Hilary Duff announced on her website today she's made a baby with her 30-year-old hockey playing husband of one year Mike Comrie.
“Hello everyone! This weekend, Mike and I are celebrating our 1 year anniversary! In memory of the special day, we decided to post some of our favorite pictures from our wedding! I can’t believe it has already been a year, time really flies when you’re having fun! We also want to share the exciting news that BABY MAKES THREE!!! We are extremely happy and ready to start this new chapter of our lives. Thanks to everyone for the continued love and support throughout the years!”
For Hilary's sake, I hope that baby is born with her original teeth and her head. If not, bitch is going to scream her Veneers off from birthing out a dinosaur egg head with tiny arms and legs. It's going to take a few hours just for the baby's surfboard head to clear her pussy. As soon her Herman Munster baby crowns, the doctors and nurses can play a few games of traveling Mahjong on its forehead while waiting for its eyes to show up. Hilary will have to support her baby's head with a catcher's mitt during feeding. Bitch better invest in a lifting bracelet for her wrists.
And yup, you can go ahead and file this news under "Shit that is pushing me towards the Metamucil phase of my life."
At last year's Gathering of the Juggalos it was proven that Faygo-filled trailer clowns and free clinic midgets don't get along when the Juggalos tried to murder Tila Tequila by bombing her with their own shit. So when the crackhead warlock known as Charlie Sheen said that he was going to make an appearance at this year's Ground Zero of civilization, I figured shit would go either two ways. Either they'd declare him as their new leader and bring him gifts of Juggalette snatch and toilet meth, or they'd rip out all of his veins and smoke that shit out of an empty Faygo bottle. Sadly, neither of those things completely happened.
The Juggalos didn't turn Charlie's face into their personal septic tank, but they didn't worship his ass either. When Charlie got on stage, they showered his ears with a few boos, and forced him to pull out his Major League catching skills by throwing crap at him. But bitch still got out of there alive.
That being said, this time two years ago, Charlie Sheen was at the damn Emmys and now he's getting booed by Juggalos? If that scene was a mural, it'd be painted on the bottom of a barrel.
Skeletor's arch rival and the true power holder of Greyskull, Brooke Hogan, let out a Twatter cry yesterday over SUCIO whores (like this SUCIO whore right here) saying that her relationship with her daddy is as gross as watching Marcus Bachmann try to keep his puckering no-no in control while nibbling on a long stick of hot meat.
Brooke was talking about hos heaving with their eyes over those pictures of her kissing on Hulk Hogan's salmon jerky face at the unveiling of her nekkid portrait for Peta. Brooke's "LEAVE ME ALOOONE" roar went like this:
Im SO sick of people saying me and my dad are in some perverted relationship! Go home and do your own thing! Stop picking on me!
You dumb bitch, I am home.
"Go home and do your own thing" is probably the same shit she says to Hulk when he comes over and tries to do her thing. NO! I'm joking. That's just me needing to go home (?). Brooke is right. There's nothing gross about bringing your daddy to a gallery to stare at a picture of your CGI-ed nekkid body in a dog cage. It's not like Hulk hasn't seen Brooke's naked body in a dog cage before. Did you think she was wearing a sweater when he adopted her from Petco those many years ago?
There's nothing gross about Brooke and Hulk's relationship. However, being a Hogan is all kinds of gross.
Herman Cain, the former head bitch in charge of Godfather's Pizza and a Republican presidential candidate. Okay, before you crawl up into my asshole to eat the crazy out of me, I know nothing about Herman's politics. Herman could want to raise the sales tax on lucite heels by 100%, rid the country of all Tweezers and believe that my gay soul will be doing shots off of Lucifer's ass in the 10th circle (aka the VIP section) of Hell. I don't know. But I do know that Herman knows who the true poets of this country are!
During Herman's closing statement at the Republican debate on Thursday night, he slipped in this gem that was a wink to the Pikachu constituency:
"A poet once said, 'life can be a challenge, life can seem impossible, but it's never easy when there's so much on the line.'"
The Daily Intel says that Herman's camp claims the line was taken from the closing song at the 2000 Olympics. But the line is actually a lyric from the Donna Summer song "The Power of One" that was used in Pokémon: The Movie 2000. Need I say more? Any dude who sheds a tear when he sees a cake out in the rain and who is up in the polls in Pokémon Island is the right candidate for all of us!
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