Here's Jason Momoa with a side of Zoe Kravitz and a side of Lisa Bonet at the L.A. premiere of Conan the Barbarian, which is a shit show I'll wait to see in the comfort of my own private space so I can watch his King's Hawaiian sweet bread pecs bounce in slow motion. But this isn't about Jason Momoa's King's Hawaiian sweet bread pecs, surprisingly. This is about THOSE BROWS!
I've given several sermons about Jason's hairy eye triangles, but I'm still torn. There's the cholita lover in me that wants to wax them off with one swipe and throw them toward the Klingon homeland of Qo'noS where they belong. But then there's a part of me that think they look like the gentle waves that carried Jason Momoa to the shores of Hawaii after Neptune made him by mating with a black pearl oyster during a falling star storm. TORN!
While I continue to tear myself apart over this very important eyebrow issue, here's some more pictures from the premiere of this generation's He-Man movie including some pictures of Rose McGowan and Rachel Nichols. I'm guessing it rained Crisco in L.A. last night, because everybody looks greasy as all hell. Like they were in the wrong place when Tommy Girl sprayed out a lube fart. Well, everybody but Rose McGowan was greasy. But that's only because her skin is made of blotting papers. Rose is totally what it would look like if a sculptor with arthritis made a baby powder figure of Dixie Carter.
While some hos are moaning "NOOOO!!!!!!", Squinty Zellweger's stomach is letting out a cry of happiness, because it's finally going to get filled with something other than beard glue, dried kumquat seeds and coffee. That's because Entertainment Weekly says that a third Bridget Jones movie is about to slide down Hollywood's culito, which means that the fruit fly who weighs less than an actual fruit fly will be reunited with food again!
The plot and other details hasn't been given up yet, but last year Colin Firth explained the possible plot like this: “I can tell you that Bridget and Mark can’t have children, I think that’s the way it goes on. So then she makes the huge mistake of going back to Daniel Cleaver [Hugh Grant's character] for long enough to get pregnant. And I think he dumps her, and she’s left stranded, and guess who comes back to rescue her?”
Same damn love triangle with the same damn people. Bridget Jones 3: Trying To Make History By Being The Only Movie To Get Less Than 0% On Rotten Tomatoes. That shit plot sounds as torturous as watching Squinty's optometrist try to do a glaucoma test on her. But at least Squinty will be back to looking human. Shit. That's if she doesn't get sneaky by pulling out a fat suit. Just tell her that all fat suits are straight and she won't go near their asses.
Brit Brit humped on the back of Pauly D's neck last night and I bet it sounded like a rubber spatula slapping against a puddle of grease. One of them definitely got a yeast infection - Just Jared
Bradley Cooper has headband hair - Lainey Gossip
Donatella Versace should put a hex on who ever chewed on her bangs - The Superficial
The preview for Rise of the Planet of the Cats - OMG Blog
Those aren't Lindsay Lohan's nipples, those are quartz rocks - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
Brooke Burke's Beach Bikini Butt (I would've added the word " ottom" in there ut my keyboard ran out of rhymes with ees) - Hollywood Tuna
Leonardo DiCaprio as J. Edgar Hoover looks like Leonardo DiCaprio - Towleroad
The MTV VMAs has yet to pay homage to the greatness that is Sweet Sensation, but they're paying tribute to Brit Brit? Those morons need to learn their history! - Popsugar
RiRi's weaves must be made of red panda - The Berry
MiserAlba's case of the babies is stretching into its 99th month now - Popoholic
Rose McGowan was raised by drag queens after escaping her cult family. There's a Tyler Perry movie in there somewhere.... - ICYDK
Nasty skank whore cheated on a nasty skank whore with a nasty skank whore - Celebitchy
FYI: Jane Fonda still gets a good dicking - I'm Not Obsessed
Erin Somethingoranother is in a bikini - Hollywood Rag
Woofer twofer - Cityrag
This is why there should've been a Spider-Dog the Musical instead of Spider-Man the Musical - Videogum
"Pronounce Korean better?" Is that we're calling it these days? - The Daily What
Hornswoggle is good at hiding the fact that he's getting two nostrils full of desperation stank and Vajazzle glue fumes - SOW
Jack Wagner (on the right, I think) will be singing ALLL AAAAAAAAAH NEEEEED to Heather Lockler at the wedding altar really soon, because the two told People that they are getting married and will pay Michael Mancini $1 million to help them flee the country since she's wanted by the police for killing her almost rapist in high school. I'm not sure if the wedding will happen before or after Eve tries to turn them into gravel meat with her car. You know, I don't know my own blood type, but I know almost every damn Melrose Place plot line. Shit, I hope Eve and Sexi Lexi wrestle on top of a mound of Peter's ashes at some point during the wedding.
This will be Heather's third time wearing a ball and chain in the form of a wedding ring. It will be Jack's second.
Heather Locklear has looked like she's been pregnant in the cheeks with twins for a long time, but when did Jack Wagner no longer look like Jack Wagner? Did Heather's cheeks eat his eyelids? Now he sort of looks like Derek Hough's old lesbian auntie. Will somebody please tell Heather Locklear's cheeks to spit out Jack Wagner's eyelids so he can go back to looking like Jack Wagner.
Today, the definition of SUCIO SHIT is the sight of the Tang battered popped hemorrhoid known as Hulk Hogan smiling like he just made a happy in his chonies while his son Brooke Hogan kisses on him at the unveiling of her nekkid portrait for PETA in Miami last night.
Never mind that several copies of Photoshop were abused to make Brooke not look like she's about to snap into a Slim Jim, the way Hulk's nasty ass gives his daughter's ass the shocker with his eyes and tries to cover (aka grab) her bare parts with his hands is making me wish that there was such a thing as holy water enemas for the brain.
I don't even know which bleached orange skeezer is his daughter and which one is his wife. I doubt Hulk Hogan knows either. The only thing he knows is that he's going to be late with Linda Hogan's alimony check next month, because he's going to use that money to buy that portrait and.......forget it. This mess is already a visual heave and I don't need to make it worse. Even Brooke's lucite kitten heels can't save this.
And I really feel extra sorry for the animal who is going to be thrown into that cage after Brooke's nasty ass has been all over it.
In a new interview with ABC's Nightline, Corey Feldman says that the biggest evil in Hollywood isn't the remake butchery of classic movies. It also isn't the fact that Katherine Heigl still gets cast in shit. Corey says that the worst problem in Hollywood is a group of high-powered pedophiles who go after child actors. Corey, who has admitted to being molested, went on to say that he blames one particular child touching Hollywood mogul for the death of Corey Haim.
According to Corey, the Hollywood pedos were circling around him when he was about 14, but he didn't realize what they really wanted until he was about 17. Corey said, "I can tell you that the number one problem in Hollywood was, and is, and always will be pedophilia. That's the biggest problem for children in this industry... it's all done under the radar. It's the big secret. There are so many people in this industry who have gotten away with it for so long that they feel they're above the law. And that's got to change, that's got to stop."
Corey won't name names and says he's not the one to unmask the pedo who ruined Corey Haim's life. Corey Haim's mom refused to comment and only said that she wishes Corey Feldman would keep her son's name out of his mouth.
Yeah, I know Corey Feldman's hair is fried from sucking out every ray of light from the spotlight, but I believe him and don't think he's saying this shit for attention. But instead of going on ABC to say "I can't name names!", he should pull Chris Hansen off of his latest side piece and drop some To Catch A Predator shit on Hollywood.
The power of trimmed brow merkins, black eye pencils, horse tails, extra hung Bumpits, high-powered fans and the "lipstick lez" tool on Photoshop cannot be denied!
Kristen Stewart normally looks like a homeless runaway who chews on her lip scabs inside of the ATM room at Chase bank on 2nd Avenue and spits at you when you don't put a dollar in her cup after she opens the door for you, but W Magazine glamoured her up for their fashion issue. Yes, their fashion issue. Because when you think of fashion, you automatically think of the ho who looks like she buys all her clothes at a gas station. If they wanted a Twilight-related cover, they should've went with the forever fashionable Nutty Madam instead. Truth.
Click here for KStew's interview with W if that's what you need on your eyes today and here's more of her looking like a cross between the Ghost of Priscilla Presley's Past and Lindsay Lohan before meth ate the young from her face.
These pictures will definitely have a place at the Harpo, Who Dis Woman Museum one day.
Anybody who has seen Paula Abdul's masterpiece of a trainwreck reality show knows that she's a sane and level-headed employer who treats all of her assistants with the utmost respect and would never make unreasonable demands. Since it's Opposite Day, what I really mean by that is Paula is Forever Your Crazy Bitch and working for her is probably not unlike babysitting a psychotic toddler who has never been spanked and will only go into its calm submissive state if you stick a pacifier made of Vicodin in its mouth. I bet if you walked into any padded room and asked who has worked for Paula Abdul, the one patient in there would stop chewing on a pillow tile to raise her hand a dozen times (one for each personality that was created to deal with Paula's crazy ass).
UsWeekly says that Skat Kat's former beard (Skat Kat, totally gay, totally loved the Q-Tip in his no-no) gives all of her assistants this list of demands they must follow or she'll feed them to Simon Cowell's tits.
1. Each assistant must carry and use a tape recorder at all times "because she doesn't trust her own conversations," the source says.
2. "She also makes them check the TiVo for any mention of her and put it on a DVD."
3. Abdul team members should also prepare to go through her email -- and respond to family and friends as the star herself.
4. The "Forever Your Girl" singer also needed constant reminders that she is a "warrior, survivor and gift," adds the insider.
Okay, these aren't that weird. The second one isn't weird at all. The third one is easy since her assistant only has to respond with "please send percocets now" and her family knows she's doing fine. The first one makes sense, because Paula never knows which voice in her head controlled her mouth that day. Sybil wishes she would've thought of that! The fourth one is true in every way. Paula is a gift (to the pharmaceutical industry, The Soup and me), is a survivor (going through an 8-hour period with just one syringe of liquid morphine counts as surviving) and she's definitely a warrior! Don't you remember the battle of the Bratz (which she lost) or her never-ending battle against sanity (which she wins every time). Paula IS a warrior, survivor and a gift!
With all that being said, I'd rather get a job as that dog's full-time anal gland pincher than work for Paula's ass.
After walking her dog last week, this C list, (on her way to B list) actress (film and television) stopped by a park and let her dog run free. When her dog bit a young kid at the park, this actress allegedly gave the parents of the child a nice lecture on how they should control their child. She wouldn’t let them speak about their child’s injuries and threatened to sue the family because their kid harassed her dog. The parents stood bewildered as they held their crying child while the actress grabbed her dog and left. (BuzzFoto)
This act of ice cold bitchery sounds like it came from one of my dead-hearted idols January Jones? And I'm sure that before she disappeared in a cloud of cold white smoke, she handed the leash to the parents and told them that their brat of a child needed it more than her dog does. Then she told them that after she takes her dog to the groomers to get the child tears and blood out of his fur, she's going to send them the bill. She's going to make the best mother ever.
So much speculation and it’s been going on for years that she will finally leave him because he simply won’t, ever, change. But do you know the lengths she went through to get him, and keep him? Did you know she enrolled in classes at university, not because she was interested for herself, but because she wanted to be able to talk to him about...things? She wanted to be able to keep up. She wanted HIM to know/believe/think she could keep up. She worships his brain. She wanted to make sure that he was finding her brain adequately stimulating.
They say that he’s been trying to get out of there. He hasn’t tried. There has been no attempt. It’s kinda futile. First because, even if he were to want to bail, everyone in his life would be against it, and has warned him of the consequences, but also because she has told him straight up, on several occasions, “I will never leave you”. This one doesn’t get enough credit for her tenacity. (Lainey Gossip)
This is a new one for me. Going through years of higher learning to get some dick? I hope it was online courses at University of Phoenix and she didn't actually sit through hours upon hours of classes under fluorescent lighting. For good dick, I'd wax some of my parts until my vocal cords shriveled into the size of a newt's clit from screaming, but I wouldn't go back to a life of homework and writing papers. Fuck that.
I'll guess that Jennifer Garner is the one worshiping the brain inside of Ben Affleck's skull? Ugh. High school guidance counselors, please tell your students to go to college if they want a degree, not if they want some Affleck dick. It's not worth it.
There’s something about this top Hollywood star who secretly split from his D-list actress wife – and she’s about to file for divorce! They still pretend to be a happy couple and even appear in public with their children, but the truth is he has a weak spot for prostitutes! (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip)
Ben Stiller & Christine Taylor? There's probably a whole lot of prostitution whores out there who have had to pull Stiller pubes out of their mouths during the car ride home. Ben Stiller looks like he has coarse ass dick bush hairs that can poke through a condom. Whores beware.
One of my favorite American Idol castoffs was at it again the other night. Running from red carpet to red carpet to earn a few bucks and stay in the spotlight, she did spend some time hitting on this becoming very popular very quickly B list movie actor who is definitely not a bad looking guy. When he told her he was gay and not interested, she told him it did not matter to her. She thought they could help each other out. Well, he did help out someone else a few years ago. (CDAN)
Please tell me this is my former arch rival (in my head) Kristy Lee Cock and Taylor Lautner?
One of my childhood friends said that she was going to grow up and marry Jani Lane of Warrant, so I'm sure she's curled up in the WHY GOD WHY? position while clutching a poster of him and vowing to never let a piece of cherry pie touch her lips again. Because TMZ reports that Jani Lane (born name: John Kennedy Oswald) rode on a pair of hairsprayed hair wings to heaven last night at the age of 47.
The Los Angeles Police Department says that Jani was found dead in the room of a Comfort Inn in Woodland Hills, CA. No cause of death has been released yet.
Jani joined Warrant in 1986 and quit their asses in 1992 before coming back and quitting again several times over. Jani and Warrant went to their separate corners for good in 2008. Jani struggled with the booze bottle for years and was arrested for his second DUI last year.
Jani is survived by his two daughters (one with Bobbie Brown).
Rest in peace, Jani. Every stripper will be pouring their souls out on the pole tonight to this song: