Here's Slash and his on-and-off again wife Perla Ferrar giving the international sign for holy matrimony after renewing their vows in Ibiza, Spain today. Slash and Perla first got married on October 15, 2001, which I'm pretty sure was also the original release date for that Chinese Democracy album. For this blessed day, Perla chose her original wedding dress as her "something old," but she turned into her "something new" by giving it a Billy Ray Cyrus cut.
Now, I've always said that lubed up thighs and a "not sure if I just burped from my butt or my vag" facial expression is what really makes an elegant bride, but Perla takes things to exciting new levels of grace and sophistication that Kate Middleton and Kim Kardashian wish they could reach by wearing THAT TINY TOP HAT on her head. When you wear a tiny hat, you either look like the flower girl at a My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding or Speedo's arch rival. Both are those are wins so you can't go wrong.
Here's more of Slash, who sorts of looks like Taylor Lautner in a Rick James wig here, and Perla with their children in Spain the other day. Fun Fact: Before Perla married slash, she was a pussy selling madam. So I guess you get your madam name when you pair the kind of underwear you're currently wearing with the kind of car you currently own. That means my madam name is Skid Marks MTA Card!
Last year, Mad Mel Gibson offered Oksana Grigorieva $15 million as a break-up settlement in exchange for a blow job before jacuzzi (you can't blame an asshole for trying). After OctoSana shook her head no to that offer (which because of her inner tube lips sounded like the dick slap dance from Kids), Mad Mel offered her $15 million straight up. That's when OctoSana took a gold digger gamble by turning Mel down and decided to take him to court instead. Well, in case you couldn't tell from the fuck my life face she's making in that picture above, bitch gambled and LOST.
TMZ says that when OctoSana turned down the $15 million last year, she tried to make it sound like she did it because part of the settlement included Mad Mel spending unsupervised time with their daughter Lucia. But their source claims that she thought her shovel could hit more gold if she dragged his crusty prune face to court.
Today was court day, and when OctoSana put her open palms out to collect her money, the court put a single $750,000 coin in her hands. $750,000!!!!!! The court stenographer immediately stopped her typing to play this sound on a boombox:
That's not even worth a fart from that original $15 million settlement! If that isn't already a kick to a gold digger's shovel, the settlement also gives Mad Mel even more unsupervised visits with his daughter.
The $750,000 will be paid over the next 5 years. The house she's living in will be sold and that money will go into a trust for their daughter. OctoSana and Mel will share both legal and physical custody of Lucia. OctoSana will also get child support every month, but that amount wasn't disclosed. Both OctoSana and Mel agreed to never speak of their relationship to the media again.
DAMN. DAMN. DAMN.
Let this be a lesson to gold diggers everywhere. When you make a baby with a Jew-hating, child-punching, anushole monster who has the face of a peach seed shat out of a walruses' ass and he offers you $15 million as a break-up settlement, TAKE THAT MONEY! Use it to change your name to Diabetes Tits Grigoriewitz and immediately move into a jacuzzi-free house in the middle of Israel. Mad Mel will never come for you and you'll never have to hear the words "BLOW ME BITCH" come out of his face lips ever again.
Taylor Lautner throws his best Grace Jones face on VMan - OMG Blog
Did you think Madge just magically has the endurance to chase after baby toys when they try to escape from her dungeon? That shit takes work! - Lainey Gossip
Matt Boner and Cheyenne Jackson are going to be husbands (for play) - Towleroad
The (f)art project Johnny Cade should put that "prosthetic penis" to good use and fuck herself - The Superficial
Rosanne Arquette as a magician's assistant in Desperately Seeking Susan > AnnaLynne McCord - Hollywood Tuna
That leather baby diaper on Rose McGowan ain't the look - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
I'm sure Blake NotSoLively flew in a Prius jet since Leonardo DiCaprio is our environmental savior - Celebitchy
Mona Robinson is a great grandmother now - Just Jared
That time of the day when I pretend that Prince Hot Ginge's crotch bubble is a gigantic royal bulge - Popsugar
Cheryl Tweedy's got 90s newscaster hair - Popoholic
Never mind the Klan shit, was Baby Mason the one who did that fuck effort Photoshop job on those whores? - ICYDK
Rupert Grint and Tom Felton are doing fashion ads now - The Berry
Proof that only a puddle of barf can from the Insane Clown Posse and Jack White joining forces - The Daily What
My final guess is Steven Tyler? - Cityrag
More like butt blood and dick cheese - Hollywood Rag
Amy Sedaris presents hot dogs on a rake (which sorts of sounds like a reworking of Snakes on a Plane starring Bob Vila) - Videogum
Err, Michelle Branch, you've got a little Paris Hilton on your lip - Celebslam
T-Boz's hair tails found a new home on the sides of Patti LaBelle's head! - I'm Not Obsessed
So this is the reason why that whenever I'm about to bust into any kind of dance move, a sign flashes in front of my eyeballs that reads: "WARNING: Are you currently 'don't give a fuck' tanked? If not, proceed with caution."
via The Hairpin (Thanks Kenny and B. Mont for sending this shit in)
You can escort yourself to the exit box in the corner if you were about to type: "I didn't know Susan Boyle was in Dancing with the Stars?" May a pair of control top hose never control your top again for that one!
Here's the rainbow in a L'eggs egg putting a twinkle in everyone's toes at an aerobics class in Beverly Hills yesterday afternoon. This is knocking every tiara off of every toddler, because nobody does sweet priss mugging for the cameras the way Richard Simmons does. Since I know you already used up your daily allotted sugar allowance during lunch, I won't tell you if Richard wore bloomers over his hose or not. But I will tell you that some people in Beverly Hills were overheard saying that their lives are complete now that they have feasted their eyes on two baby chicks snuggling in a butterfly cocoon.
This is definitely what a L'eggs commercial looks like when you watch it through a rainbow. He's got L'eeeeeeeeeeeeegs.
When Giuliana Rancid isn't digging tunnels in the earth for her colony queen, she's throwing shade at can't dress hos on Fashion Police and during last week's episode she barfed out a few calorie-free words about the malnourished body of the skeletal skank horse of Fantastica.
"She lost a lot of weight from all the stress in her life. She seems a little thin right now, and I think she looks great when she's a bit curvier."
The former country singer and professional full-time Twitter hooker whore of course had to scratch back at Giuliana. LeAnn Rimes put on her Tweetin' 'kini and chewed on the side of a dried carrot stem to build up her energy. LeAnn then responded with this:
Hey, we should go to dinner sometime. You get criticized all the time for how small you are. You can see just HOW much I eat and maybe put a stop to this crazy 'shrinking' once and for all.....
oh, & then we should workout together! Good luck with your restaurant!!!
How is that rude?! It's the truth. well wouldn't you?! I think it would be good. We have lots in common to chat about."
Giuliana told E! yesterday that she's not going to meet LeAnn at the foot of the dirt mound to eat at the air together anytime soon. Giuliana says she's done opening her mouth about this. But mostly because every time she opens her mouth, hos around her try to throw cheese fries into it and she's sick of spending her days wiping the salt off with Fen-Phen wipes.
"I don't see anything wrong with pointing out that someone looks good curvier. There's nothing hotter than a girl with some curves. I wish I was a curvy bombshell!...trust me!
I didn't mean it as an insult but apparently some people took it the wrong way. If someone told me they prefer me with some more weight on me...I'd give them a big, fat kiss! I think this is just a big misunderstanding and hold no hard feelings towards LeAnn. Hope to see her on a red carpet soon!"
Both of these alien-faced, lolly-headed sticks need to sit down. Specifically, they need to sit down on an Ensure enema. But really, Giuliana is lying. Dlisted has learned EXCLUSIVELY that Giuliana and Leann did meet up last night to settle this the way every bitch in the insect world settles a war and here's the footage:
DING! DING! DING! SCORE ONE FOR GIULIANA! That was Giuliana, right? Praying mantises all look the same to me.
Before we get back on Matthew Fox's Dharma party van of pussy punches, I should let you know that mug shot isn't really Matthew Fox and has been around for years. I know. I wish that after Matthew allegedly right hooked a trick in the tit, he wept like a strained turtle whose head is too fat to hide in its shell during his mug shot session.
CNN says that prosecutors in Cleveland have charged Dr. Jack Shepard with assault for acting like a drunk assbag when he threw fists at a (to be read in the slurry voice of a boozed bitch with a party yard long cup in hand) PAAAAAAAARTY BUUUUUS driver when she refused to let him on. The party bus driver Heather Bormann said that Matthew punched her in the legs, but his fists eventually ended up on her chichi sacks and coochie zone. Heather turned off Matthew's punches by fisting him in the face. Matthew was detained by the police that night but quickly released. Prosecutors took pictures of the bruises that Matthew left on Heather's arms and legs. Matthew has said nothing about this so far.
Let's see. Jin was busted for DUI. Libby was busted for DUI. Ana Lucia was busted for DUI. Mr. Eko was busted for driving without a license. And now Matthew Fox. The LOST curse will never leave the island! The smoke monster, that dead polar bear, Sawyer, Hurley, Ben and the others better keep their fists in their ass cracks and act right on the PAAAAAARTY BUUUUS or this could be them! I've heard that Kate can't get even get arrested in this town, so that bitch is safe. Lucky for her.
For a sex tape that's not even worth 29 dingles and a crotch berry, Steve Hirsch of Vivid Entertainment says that he's going to need at least 30 million dollars to take Kim Kardashian and Ray J's sex tape off the market forever. Vivid owns the rights to the tape that shows Kim moaning like an overstuffed warthog in need of some TUMS while Ray J does her with his boomerang dick from behind, and apparently a "mystery buyer" from Tennessee is willing to pay to stop the sale of it. Why do I have a feeling that this "mystery buyer" is really Khloe doing a Scooby Doo voice?
Steve Hirsch tells TMZ that he's already spoken to the lawyer from Tennessee and it let it be known that Pimp Mama Kris will probably have to sell one of the Jenner girls to an Arab sheik if she wants to buy the rights to Kim's boring ass tape.
"Based on its long term value, it looks like $30 million would be a starting point for a discussion on all of the rights.
I have no idea who is behind this offer ... but If it's Kim, I have a tremendous amount of respect for her. She has my number and can call me any time."
"BEHIND this offer." Nice blind item hint there, Steve. Steve Hirsch is a STUNT QUEEN of the highest order and so is Pimp Mama Kris. This is obviously just a publicity trick to get dumb hos to buy the Ambien of sex tapes they can download for free after Googling "Kim Kardashian sex tape Torrent." But don't even bother, because watching a piece of bacon slowly shrivel in a microwave is more exciting and erotic than that shit.
I mean, Pimp Mama Kris is smart enough to know that she can't make that boring mess disappear, but she can pull stunts like this to keep her main whore's name on top of CNN (this really was on CNN). Strike while the whore is hot.
If we could all glamour that pig and donkey fuck show from our lives, we would. Or we would go back in time and make it so that Ray J's piss stream shot too far, hitting the camera causing it to break. Then that sex tape would've never made it to our eyes and Kim's biggest claim to fame would be being a fourth tier character on Parasite Hilton's failed reality show. Where are Bill and Ted when you really need them?!
And here's Kim and Mr. Kim (being a total gentlemen by carrying around her travel size ass dildo for her) leaving their hotel in NYC last night. I take it back. That's not her travel size ass dildo. That's just her booster dildo since I'm sure it doesn't even touch her culito hole.
Well, I guess even Robert Downey Jr.'s wife Susan Downey has that one chismeando auntie who always sits right next to the food table at family reunions to scoop up the gossip with her ear holes so that she can pour it out later through her mouth hole to her husband as he eats the smashed piece of sheet cake she brought him because a stupid soccer game was on TV and he wasn't even trying to go to that party.
(Side rant: Whenever my mom brought me a piece of cake from a party, why did she almost always make it "car ride safe" by stuffing it between two Styrofoam plates before wrapping it in Reynolds? The frosting would always end up on one plate, and the cake on the other. When cake and frosting get together, they're in it until the end. They aren't mean to be separated. It's like giving me a hard dick on one plate and its cum shot on the other. It makes no sense. Cake and frosting work together to make a beautiful special moment and when you tear them apart, you're just fucking with nature. There's got to be a better way.
And if you're about to say to me, "But Michael, what about those individual cake piece containers from Tupperware you can buy at Target," then I'm about to throw you a lip smack and an eye roll on behalf of my entire family. Individual cake piece containers? Bitch, stop. We're not a family of Martha Fucking Stewarts. As far as I know, Juan Pollo, the place we get all of our family reunion food, does not provide you with individual cake piece containers. I KNOW! How uncouthy of them. Although, sometimes I'll wash off one of the Styrofoam containers the chicken came in and use that to take some cake home. But now we're Inceptioning this bitch, because we're about to get into a rant inside of a rant. Let's just stop now. Put on your lip gloss, plump your chichis and let's get back to the main event.)
So Susan's auntie Nancy Miller (it's ALWAYS a Nancy) called up Radar and whispered into their phone pieces that she knows her niece has got an iron fetus growing in her womb:
“I think it’s wonderful that she’s pregnant. The baby is due in February. Susan’s father, my brother, called me about three weeks ago with the good news. Her parents are over the moon about it. It [doesn’t] really matter if it’s a boy or a girl. What really matters is that the baby is healthy.”
No, Tia Nancy, what really matters is that you're dribbling out talk about your niece's uterus situation to hos outside of the family circle and you probably did it for a check. That is ALMOST worse than bringing a bitch smashed cake. But what's even worse than that is putting an OVER THE MOON violation into the mouths of Susan's parents. That's like saying that Susan's parents put on a pair of CROCS and kicked a kitten in the neck. Just illegalness all around.
This will be RDJ and Susan's first baby friend together. RDJ has an almost 18-year-old son named Indio. I really hope RDJ keeps with the Riverside County theme and names his new kid La Quinta.
And as I was about to hit publish on this shit, RDJ just confirmed the news with this statement:
“Robert and Susan could not be more excited over this news. They can’t wait to welcome this new baby into their wonderful family.”
But you're still on notice, Tia Nancy!
Who cares if Superman looks like he gets a blowout at the same place Bruno Mars gets his every morning. Who cares if Superman washed his signature period panties in the his bathroom sink, hung them up to dry on the towel rack and forgot to put them on before he flew out the winda. Who cares if that suit was made from the blue perforated leather loafers I had as a kid that made me look like an old priss queen on a cruise to Italy. Who cares if he's probably wearing a muscle suit underneath that shit made from a mold of Madge's biceps and Jada Pinkett's twelve-pack. Who cares that it's taking me four Who Cares to say that it's all about the "It's a bird! It's a plane! It's happy to see you!" bulge!
That bulge should be wearing a little red cape and flying hos in distress to safety. That bulge should get a spin-off. It's a total BILF. Or since this is Hollywood we're talking about, it's a total CILF (Codpiece I'd Like to Fuck).