By the time you read this, Christopher Nolan would have already shut down production on The Dark Knight Rises, pink-slipped every single cast member and locked himself up in his basement office where he's re-writing the whole story to focus on a freckled heroine who's the chicken coop love child of Poison Ivy and The Joker and was raised by Alfred in a half-broken incubator in the corner of the Bat Cave. It's BAT CUTLETS!
When you shine her signal in the night sky, she rushes to the spotlight and strikes poses in front of it for hours until the villains get bored while waiting for her and go and get a Double Double instead. Have you ever posed with the Cutlets in the pap's flash light?
For the second year in a row, Nerdapalooza felt the A-list (A is for "aim a camera at her and she'll pose") powers of Phoebe Price who brought some free range glamour to the streets of San Diego by posing in costumes EXCLUSIVELY picked by PP from KMart discount bins the day after Halloween.
The major Comic-Con events might've been inside, but the real show was outside. Yes PP can pose with SD's finest who almost put her in handcuffs for flashing farm raised labia. Yes PP's mother can wear a Kinko's original t-shirt that I want to be buried in. And yes Lynda Carter will bawl on all 60 of her birthday candles tonight and wish the same thing she wished last year: THAT PP WILL STOP SHOWIN' HER UP LIKE THIS!
You have to be a special kind of infuckingsane to make the crazier fanboys at Comic-Con look like they're on the right side of sane, but Welsh actor and former piece of Sienna Miller Rhys Ifans managed to do just that before a screening for The Amazing Spider-Man. Rhys, who plays The Lizard in that shit, acted like a fourteen karat cunt when a member of his entourage (the word "entourage" has hit hard times when even Rhys has one) didn't have the right credentials and wasn't allowed into the screening. Rhys brought the bitch, shoved a woman to get in and declared that the United States of America sucks. Rhys was not only under the influence of stupidity, but he was also under the influence of the sweet nectar.
The Wrap says that Rhys was allowed to take part in the panel, but afterward a security guard did my favorite thing ever. The guard busted a CITIZEN'S ARREST on Rhys' ass. Sometimes when I'm bonging with friends, the good shit smoke floats into my brain, unlocks my bucket list and makes me want to issue a CITIZEN'S ARREST on one of them for smoking an illegal substance. You know, just so I can say I CITIZEN'S ARRESTED bitch. Better yet, can you CITIZEN'S ARREST yourself? That's a question for another pass 'n puff party....
Lt. Andra Brown explained the details of Rhys' act of drunk dumbassery like this: "He was aggressive and belligerent. He was... berating everyone from the security staff to the United States of America. He was cited and released, which is a non-custodial misdemeanor arrest. But, according to him, the U.S. sucks and he doesn't want to come back."
Sony apologized for this mess and the San Diego District Attorney will later decide if they want to press charges.
When you're in the US, promoting an American movie made an American production company that lined your checking account with American dollars, maybe it's not a good idea to say that the US can suck your hairy twat nuts (which I'm sure look exactly like his hairy face).
I swear, I'm parking my ass at Comic-Con next year. Last year, nerds stabbed each other with BICs and this year Sienna Miller's old fuck buddy got CITIZEN'S ARRESTED by a security guard. Comic-Con is where the real tragic cunt theatrics are.
Straight from Comic-Com comes the promo pictures for
Stoned Snow White and the Huntsman starring Kristen Stewart as Snow White, Charlize Theron as The Evil Queen, Chris Hemsworth as The Huntsman, Sam Claflin, Eddie Izzard, Nick Frost and Toby Jones. This is the second Snow White movie coming out next year, and this one is going to turn Snow White into a Joan of Arc type bad bitch who drops the innocent maiden act to take down The Queen.
I know these are just pictures, but since only premature overreactions are allowed on the internet, I just have to say: THE FUCK?! Kristen Stewart as Snow White = No. Kristen Stewart as Dopey = Si. How is Snow White going to bite the apple when she's too busy biting her own lip? How are we going to know the difference between Snow White in an apple-induced coma and Snow White not in an apple-induced coma since Kristen Stewart always looks like she's been bitten by the Lunesta moth. And even a half-broken lezzie mirror with Twihard tendencies who has never felt the drop of Windex would never say that Kristen Stewart is "fairer" than Charlize Theron. Bye Ho....Bye Ho....
Bitches need to explain all of this right after they explain why Charlize Theron looks like Heidi of the Alps at a Brother of the Wolf costume party.
As Amy Winehouse rolls around in the gigantic filthy ballet slipper that is heaven, everybody has a million words to say about her death, music and addiction to the bad shit. Russell Brand wrote a long piece on his time with Amy and his thoughts on addiction. And of course, the self-proclaimed Captain Save-a-Ho Courtney Love told Rolling Stone that she tried to knife fight Amy's demons twice.
Amy's father Mitch Winehouse was at JFK in NYC when he found out about his daughter's death and he immediately jumped back on a plane to be with his family in London. Mitch, Amy's mom Janis and her brother together issued this statement:
"Our family has been left bereft by the loss of Amy, a wonderful daughter, sister, niece. She leaves a gaping hole in our lives," the Winehouse family tells Us Weekly in a statement. "We are coming together to remember her and we would appreciate some privacy and space at this terrible time."
Before she asked for privacy, Janis told The Daily Mirror that she spent a little time with Amy on Friday and her daughter told her she loved her before she went left. Janis said that Amy seemed completely out of it on Friday and she knew this day was coming, "but her passing so suddenly still hasn't hit me."
Amy's autopsy has been scheduled for tomorrow and Scotland Yard is telling the media not to assume that she died of a bad shit overdose. But the Daily Mirror is hearing that Amy twirled into The 27 Club from filling her body with a bad ecstasy pill and a lake full of booze, which many ravers have told me not to do. During my ten second-long raver days (I couldn't burn my Elmo backpack and JNCO jeans fast enough), sensei ravers always warned my ass that booze and ecstasy went together like weed and vegetables. In other words, they don't.
Oh, and what about BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE?! Blaaaaaaake is currently locked up in the chokey, but his mom tells The Daily Star that she's putting him on suicide watch, because she says Amy's death will push him into a bad place. Georgette Fielder-Civil said, "Blake will kill himself. He won't make it without her. He will be devastated, totally and utterly devastated. He'll go straight back to self-harming. I'll have to ring the prison and he'll have to be put on watch. He was always ringing her and she was always ringing him. Blake always wanted her back. She couldn't walk away from him and he couldn't walk away from her. Her and Blake were both lost and we handled it badly."
Wait. Blaaaaaake is STILL in prison? They should shackle his ankles and let him out for Amy's funeral, because it wouldn't be right if she was buried without Blaaaaaake throwing himself on her casket while screaming, "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamy."
Kitty Lambert and Cheryle Rudd, the first same-sex couple to marry in New York State a second after midnight today.
Rojo Caliente and Cynthia Nixon should've been the ones to inaugurate same-sex marriage in New York since Frédéric Bartholdi looked into the future and based the Statue of Liberty's torch on Rojo's flaming locks of red hot freedom, but if anybody besides them deserved to be the first it's Kitty and Cheryle. As the lights of every Home Depot in the state flickered the lyrics to an Indigo Girls song in Morse code, Kitty and Cheryle became wife and wife in front of Niagara Falls. The gayelle memaws and mothers of five have been waiting for this day for over ten years. Kitty told The New York Times, “This is one of the most incredible moments of my personal life, but it’s also an incredible moment for New York.”
It's also an incredible moment for those really hot wedding ensembles, which haven't felt the touch of outside air since Kitty and Cheryle wore them to their prom over 35 years ago. Looking like Tyne Daly as a mother of the bride circa 1981 and Johnny Cash at his communion is definitely the look. Say FUCK YES to that dress and tux.
Congratulations to Kitty and Cheryle! My feelings about all of this have already been expressed by Cheryle's fupa, which is filled with so much excitement that it's about to pop and send that button flying across the state and into the stupid mouth hole of an anti-gay marriage protester in NYC.
Happy Gay Marriage Day, New York!
David Duprey / AP
Lynda Carter (60)
Bindi Irwin (13)
Daveigh Chase (21)
Mara Wilson (24)
Elisabeth Moss (29)
Anna Paquin (29)
Summer Glau (30)
Rose Byrne (32)
Torrie Wilson (36)
Kristin Chenoweth (43)
Laura Leighton (43)
Kadeem Hardison (46)
Barry Bonds (47)
Gus Van Zant (59)
Michael Richards (62)
Robert Hays (64)
Chris Sarandon (69)
Dan Hedaya (71)
Ruth Buzzi (75)
John Aniston (78)
Professional Minka Kelly impersonator (or is it the other way around?) Leighton Meester of Gossip Girl is making Christmas dinner all sorts of awkward by throwing a lawsuit at the woman who gave birth to her in prison. Leighton is suing her mother for shaking her shit down. TMZ reports that Leighton was giving her mother $7,500 a month, but the money was supposed to go to the care of her sick younger brother. Well, Leighton's mother would've paid the balance on those medical bills, but she sort of used up all the money on plastic surgery and hair weaves instead. Oops.
Leighton's mother Constance refused to get a job, but she felt bad for her brother so she kept sending money. Once Leighton learned that the cash was going to keep Constance's face plastic fresh, she closed her wallet to her mother. That's when Constance's prison days came in to play and she tried to convince Leighton that they had made a verbal agreement and her daughter was supposed to send her $10,000 a month. Constance never pulled out a shank made from a toothbrush, but she did pull out a threat. Constance threatened to sue Leighton for $3 million if she didn't get her monthly allowance. Leighton is now asking a judge to declare that there is no contract between them.
You can take the mom out of the prison....
I'm surprised Connie The Con (her prison name, of course) didn't sneak up on Leighton while she was sleeping, put a razor to her froat and whisper into her ear that she'd better add a carton of Reds to her monthly allowance or she'll cut her in the showers. Didn't Connie learn that this is not how you swindle cash of out of your celebrity child? You blackmail them with threats that you'll leak ESCANDALOSO pictures of them to The National Enquirer? Didn't White Oprah teach her the protocol of stealing from your own child during the weekly pimp mom meetings?
Here are two hints:
1. If I typed out his name letter by letter some of you might still be like, "Que?"
2. The above does not apply if your ass still subscribes to BOP Magazine and has copies from 2004 stored in a Chinese Laundry shoe box under your canopy bed.
A few of you sent this in so I figured that maybe a few of you want to see it. But I promise I won't follow it with posts about Amy Winehouse's last ice pop or Amy Winehouse's last lit fag or Amy Winehoue's last etc.... I'm saving that for my tribute Tumblr page.
On Wednesday night, Amy's goddaughter/protege Dionne Bromfield performed at the iTunes Festival and she took the stage with her. She refused to yodel into the mic, so she just danced on stage for a bit. It's pretty much the same awkward clap dance my abuelita does on the pavement dance floor at a backyard party when an old Menudo song comes up and she doesn't know how to adjust her moves accordingly. Totally like that.
Sky News has confirmed that Amy Winehouse was found dead inside of her home in London. I'm going to need more receipts before I do the slow wall fall while silently screaming out, "Wi-noooooooooooo."
It looks like I got those sad receipts. The police issued a statement to the BBC saying that a 27-year-old woman was found dead in Amy Winehouse's house at a little after 4pm today.
"Police were called by London Ambulance Service to an address in Camden Square NW1 shortly before 16.05hrs today, Saturday 23 July, following reports of a woman found deceased.
On arrival officers found the body of a 27-year-old female who was pronounced dead at the scene.
Inquiries continue into the circumstances of the death. At this early stage it is being treated as unexplained."
Unconfirmed reports say that Amy died of an alcohol and drug overdose.
A lot of people are saying that we all saw this coming, but I really didn't. Maybe I'm naive as all fuck. But I thought Amy Winehouse would outlive us all and make a million more albums and throw spit bombs at a million more bitchy fans. You know, like Keef Richards or Courtney Love. I really don't know what to say. I'm sure Amy's sitting around the 27 Club table with Kurt Cobain, Janis Joplin, Brian Jones, Jimi Hendrix and Jim Morrison right now.
Rest in peace, Amy. Your voice spoke to my broken heart, nobody could wore a busted mound of black polyester hair like you and ballet slippers will never be the same again.