Prince William and Duchess Kate flew into LAX today and they were immediately greeted by some ho who gave her an FTD patriotic bouquet leftover from a Fourth of July barbecue. (I see the yellowing. Don't try to fool, bitch.) Kate Middleton wore some dress that I'm sure will sell out in three min - it's sold out - and she quickly changed into the L.A. uniform of choice: UGGS, ripped denim shorts, a white tank top and a Burberry scarf.
Later tonight, they'll all pile into a Range Rover to drive 4 hours in traffic to get to a Starbucks 5 miles away for Frapps and a bathroom break. Then they'll eat the flashes of the paps at the Look At Me Cafe with Chicken Cutlets before dancing on top of Kim Kardashian's ass until they get really tired and have to check into rehab for exhaustion.
Welcome to America!!!!
By the way, doesn't Kate know that when you come to somebody's house you should always bring a hostess gift. Would it have killed her to bring a half used Glade candle, a 3-pack of wine coolers, a tub of barf wipes (the perfect hostess gift, honestly) or a greased up and naked Prince Hot Ginge?! And she calls herself a lady of manners. RUDE!
Here's the trailer for Jack And Jack, which stars Adam Sandler, Katie Holmes, Dana Carvey, Shaq and Al Pacino. If you haven't guessed already what the answer to the riddle about is, it's: WHY IN FRESH HELL ARE YOU DOING THIS AL PACINO?????????
Does Al Pacino have a secret love child who suffers from a rare disorder that can only be treated by eating a nutrient only found in hundred dollar bills so he has to take any job offered to him?! Is Al Pacino's for real goal in life to win every acting award imaginable including the Razzie? Has Al Pacino always had a strange fetish for Adam Sandler's GAP girl wig? Why else would Al Pacino want to play himself in a movie where he's supposed to be attracted to a tragic creature who was created using the worst features of Jill Zarin, Jennifer Aniston, Barbra Streisand and Blossom?!
On November 11th, if you're looking for a private place to take your fuck partner to for a quick beej, just sneak into a theater playing this busted mess, because NOBODY will be in there.
Watch it make $150 million in its opening weekend.
via Best Week Ever
Unless you're the person in charge of writing Tommy Girl's rider, you probably don't get the word "PENIS!" shouted at you in the workplace. But the lucky (or unlucky, depending on who you ask) employees at Archie Comics know exactly what it feels like to get harshly fucked in the ears with the "PENIS" word by their co-CEO Nancy Silberkleit and now they want her out.
TMZ reports that Nancy, who inherited the job from her late husband and has no experience in running a comic book company, is being sued by Archie Comics Publications for bullying and sexually harassing employees. They say that once during a meeting in 2009, Nancy crashed into the conference room and shouted "PENIS! PENIS! PENIS! PENIS!" while pointing at each person there. Nancy went on another verbal PENIS! frenzy last year and also told a few employees that her "balls hurt."
A firm who specializes in sexual harassment cases advised Archie Comics to pull the PENIS! out of their company and fire Nancy. Archie Comics wants a judge to ban Nancy from the offices and keep her from representing their shit at events.
Either this is marketing for Horrible Bosses, ho has Tourette's or she's my kind of boss who uses PENIS! to spice up a bland and boring meeting. Most of us have sat in useless, stupid meetings wishing that who ever was talking would say the word PENIS! on a loop and that there would be cups and plates of PENIS! on the table instead of stale crackers and tap water, so I'm not even mad at Nancy. PENIS! is a beautiful word and should be used as much as possible. But maybe this crazy penis-loving bitch just isn't right for Archie. Nancy should get a job where PENIS! is cherished, loved and appreciated. You know, like the Scientology Center or the office of an anti-gay politician.
"Ole as Methusalem" and "EBT Card Awards" are just a few of the priceless nuggets my second favorite philosopher next to Megan Fox spat out of her finger tips in an eloquent blog post on her personal A to Zs. While Beyonce and Chris Brown sip purified beluga whale urine out of black diamond goblets on their flying Maybachs, Khia did the real work by renting out a computer at Kinko's for 2 hours to read all of them their rights! Beyonce's handlers better have a chalk eraser handy to wipe off the outline around her, because Khia pretty much destroyed her (not really).
The best of are below and I really hope to see Khia's version of the ABCs in an upcoming episode of Sesame Street. You haven't really heard the phrase "turned to the side ass pussy" until you've heard it from Elmo.
Letter A- Amber Rose: Imma show this bitch a little love cuz she from Philly bald headed and all….She cute!!!! I aint gone judge the hoe because we all know she been on a strippa pole since she was 5 years old, suckin clits since 12, and decided to TRICK and SUCK every nigga in the game and wanna be a model at 35…… Get Money Biiiiiitch!!!!! But I am gone roast at the fact that she leaked photos on the internet of that MILE loooooong, 18wheeler, turned to the SIDE ass pussy, with her DUMB ass and lost ALL of the MONEY! It didn’t work for KATRINA HARBOR and it’s NOT gonework for YOU!!!!! Someone stole your computer, someone stole her phone……Heard it all before!!!! Chile boooo…Stick to what ya know
Trickin, Strippen and Suckin dick and pussy lips…..Get Money Biiiiiitch!!!!!
Letter B- Beyonce: Fuck this hoe………Can Kelly Rowland make a little bit of MONEY???? We all seen Kelly on the EBT card awards shut that shit down and here you come making Jay Z call in all of his favors to put you on the TV screen with that TIRED, THROUGH and DELAYED performance. We ALL could have passed on that! Imma a fan, true enough but we really sick of looking at you! Give Solange a chance or give your husband Jay Z some children cuz he getting ole as Methasulem and his time is running OUT!! Who runs the world? Girls…..Girls!
Letter C- Chris Brown: Oooooooooooo Hoooooooney…… How many records you sold????Cuz the sissy’s and punks all around the world saw ALLLLLLLL your bizness With your “Who told Harpo to beat me,” Blonde hair, Dick down to ya knees….. Redirect your anger please!! Looks like another Dennis Rodman to me….. I aint the one to gossip so you aint heard it from me!
Letter K-Katrina Laverne Taylor and Kimberly Denise Jones: I done let Lil Kim have it on my single “Fix Your Face,” available on I-tunes, so we gone dedicate the letter K to Katrina Harbor, who done gave all
these niggas and bull daggers HIV, Lupus and Grave’s Disease loosing hair and weight, with eyes and thyroids bulging out of the socket! Katrina Harbor has been killing niggas and bull-daggers for a whole decade…… When is yall niggas gone tell the truth? The hood already knows dis…..Easy E aint the only one who went out with a BANG… So glad I didn’t Juuuuuump on that dirty Diiiiiiiiiiick!!!!!!!
Besides, I have already let the world know on the “Hit Er Up” diss that Katrina Harbor’s DURTY, ROTTEN and CORODED ass can’t have no babies…..Weezy aint been the same since he left your ass!!!! Aint no need to tweet about you NOT being PREG! When you don’t take your meds you shrink like a prune and when you do, you big as 2 Burger Kings!!!! Keep it real hoe!!!!!
I hear CVS has a new Minute Clinic but the problems you have with your PUSSIE pussy, you gotta go to the free CLINIC for that!!!!! Bobble Head Biiiiiiiitch!!!!!
Letter Z-Kim Zolciak: Kim you finally dropped Big Poppa like a bad habit because he couldn’t keep the rent and lights on at Shannon Mall in Union City! We all knew that you’s a gold digging, money hungary ass whore with no talent! Kandi wrote you a national hit and you couldn’t even perform it live because you were too busy trying to keep that synthetic wig in place that Derrick been sewing and stitching for years.Its funny how Kandi can write everybody else a hit…Opps, well enough of that back to the subject at hand..You finally struck gold with that young and tender football player after knowing him for only 90 days, you hit a home run with his first born son!!! Get Money Bitch………
Toss every poetry book in the library and replace them with a copy of this! I wish my life was like an episode of Herman's Head and I wish Khia was one of my emotions. Click here to read even more musings from the Shakespeare of Philadelphia.
Oh, RPattz just got a little panty pudding in his eye from the Twihards who waited ALL DAMN NIGHT for him. Crazy. But I won't put the beauty with the Nancy Reagan hair in that category, because she's just here for the photo bomb. - Lainey Gossip
We finally know the answer to what's 2 + 2!!!!! - The Daily What
In dumb bitch's defense, I'd hit the bottle too if I found out I was carrying Weston Cage's child - The Superficial
Kellie Pickler needs a beer bra for occasions like this (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather
Taylor Momsen is demure as always - Hollywood Tuna
But what we really want to know is if they strapped Michael Lohan and the entire Kardashian Klan to the bottom of Atlantis? - Towleroad
Rachel Bilson walking. Yup, this is what it's come to. - Popoholic
Becks tries to make us believe that Posh didn't bring in three hairstylists, a make-up artist just for her bump and a lighting designer for this picture - The Berry
"I Farted On You" would've been a more appropriate name for Jessica Simpson's new fragrance - ICYDK
The Noxzema Girl might be knocked up again - Celebitchy
If LeAnn Rimes was not photographed in a bikini, was she photographed at all? - Just Jared
Will Smith is at the beach - Popsugar
Casey Anthony's future - The Morton Report
Wet jet - Cityrag
Aim for the criminal stars, Nene Leakes' son, aim for the criminal stars - Crunk + Disorderly
George Clooney, still not gay, still allergic to marriage - Celebslam
The paparazzi had a choice: Take pictures of paint drying or take pictures of Reese Witherspoon on her cell phone. Needless to say, they made the wrong choice. - Hollywood Rag
Robert Downey Jr. wearing the exact same outfit I wore to the first day of the second grade - I'm Not Obsessed
Neil brain farted on a stressful television game show in front of millions of people last night, but his stuttering ass response reads like the first and only draft of every single one of my posts. Truth is, Neil doomed himself from the beginning by not drawing a smiley face under his name.
Nancy Grace is the only maniacal Botox beast crazy enough to bite through Casey Anthony's chloroform-stained fingers and rip the smug smile off her face, so she should get the first interview but we all know the chances of that happening are about as slim as Jose Baez's testicles after he victoriously fapped himself dry over the verdict. But since Nancy isn't going to get the first interview, it should naturally go to Jerry Springer! Jerry knows this and so he has offered Casey Anthony and her family $1 million to spend 1 hour on his stage.
A source type tells Star Magazine (via Radar) that Jerry is trying to solidify himself as the master barker of the trash heap carnival by trying to book Casey, and apparently, she's interested! The source said, “The offer was made to Casey’s defense team Friday. They are interested. The show would get huge ratings. The family will be presented with the offer shortly.”
Part of Casey's defense was that she's permanently damaged because her father allegedly child touched her and her ex-fiance said her family is a mound bat dingles wrapped in dysfunction, so Jerry would like to get them all together on his stage!
This just seems like the most fitting finale to the bubonic plague that is the Casey Anthony story. The final shot of the Casey Anthony mini-series (starring Dobby in a wig) should be of a metal folding chair flying towards her as she stands barefoot on Jerry Springer's stage with a torn house dress, chunks of hair missing from her scalp and Stove Top Stuffing smeared all over her face. Basically, it should look like this.
If any of us had a stumpy mast of seasoned Italian gristle with a slug hugger full of soft bulging love communicating to us in body language to ravage him whole, we would not turn our backs to him the way Michelle Rodriguez did in Sardinia yesterday. But that's exactly what MRod did while climbing rocks and shit with Italian businessman Gianluca Vacchi. I mean, Gianluca is throwing his arms up and begging for a stick up, but MRod is denying him! Or maybe she left her dildo gun on the boat. Whatever the case may be, I hope that after those dykes on a bike rode into the sunset, their love story ended with Gianluca checking into the emergency room at 4am because he accidentally fell culo first onto a broken off strap-on. Il finito!
In case you needed a reason for not having 8 chirruns at once, here's Ann Curry wishing she had a Ritalin hose while trying to control the OctoKids on Today this morning. Shit was just a hilarious mess. It's what it would look like if a blind man tried to herd two dozen cats out of a catnip field. One OctoKid stumbled out onto the NYC street to live the real life Baby's Day Out, another one went for the Darwin Award by trying to smash into the window, another one tried to make a meal out of Ann's knee and the others sat there trying to wish themselves out of the crazy.
Meanwhile, OctoMom's stupid ass is blinded by insanity and is rambling on and on and on while her toddlers are in the process of either murdering themselves or others. BITCH, SHUT THE FUCK UP BECAUSE YOUR KIDS ARE BRINGING THE STUDIO DOWN! I know that Octo is just a natural born lunatic, but having all those toddlers around is like injecting steroids into her crazy gene. Octo just needs to put all of them into a cardboard box and hand them out in front of a Babies 'R Us, because this is not going to end well.
And Octo's future psychiatrists don't need to waste ink when writing about her current mental state in her file. They just need to throw this picture in there. It explains everything.
How do they not have a reality show?! TLC is slipping!
Yesterday was Prince William and Duchess Catherine's second to last day in Canada and three major things happened: Will and Kate wore big ass white cowboy hats that were almost bigger than their big ass white molars, the fart from the wind pushed up Kate's dress which almost revealed the "Property of The Queen" brand on her upper ass cheek and the rotten piece of bitter flesh in my chest nearly burped up a beat when Kate met with a young cancer patient. But first, the hat!
Prince William doesn't do shit for me. Looking at him feels like getting teabagged in the eyes with a pair of wet, cold, used Earl Grey bags. My eyes make the same expression they'd make if I was eating a soggy crumpet out of a bulldog's ass (cut to this face). But what do you know? Throw some Brokeback Mountain on his body and suddenly I'm neigh-ing like Camilla when Prince Charles comes prancing into the room dressed up like a Tampax Pearl. Don't get me wrong, my genitals still pledge the allegiance to Prince Hot Ginge, but Prince William has got me rubbing my moustache (aka pubes) at this interesting development! He should just glue that hat onto his head, because it's doing something right for him. Now on to the Kate and the young cancer patient....
6-year-old Diamond Marshall, who was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer last year and lost her mother to the disease when she was 18-months-old, met Kate Middleton in Calgary with help from the Children's Wish Foundation after she wrote this letter:
July 8th is the day it is revealed to me that a letter from a cancer patient on pink paper is my Kryptonite. Yes, you've got something in your eye. Just tell your co-workers that you've been shooting heroin into your eyeballs in the bathroom again. Or tell them your eyelids are sweating because you exhausted yourself from choking out a kitten earlier. You have a reputation to uphold!
And long before Pippa Middleton flies little Diamond to London and takes her to lunch to Princess Diana's favorite restaurant?! Pippa will not be topped!