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Fishsticks Paltrow tells Johnathon Ross (via The Mirror) that if you put a can of Easy Cheese (or Slut Cheese as I call it) and a crack pipe in front of her and asked her to choose one, she'd make like Whitney Houston and let the white ghost in.

"I'd rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a can."

If Fishy's trying to get every crack dealer to change their occupation to spray cheese dealer, it's working. Of course, Fishy's crack comes from her private crackmonger Lionel who makes it with organic coca leaves from a small South American tribe you've never heard of and cooks it in a wood burning crack oven in his backyard. And when Fishy's not smoking crack out of a hand blown pipe from Portugal, she's boozing it up!

“I drink constantly while I’m cooking. Wine, either color."

While cooking up crack, I'm sure.

And now to stop my eyes from rolling (Yes, I can roll my eyes and type at the same time. It's my only skill.) after reading this insufferable bitch's words of pretension, I'm going to need to smoke dried squirt cheese out of a crack.

(Thanks Allen)

There's really not much to Beyonce's video for "Best Thing I Never Had." Part of it is a bare bones budget Victoria's Secret ad, another part is her screen test (SPOILER ALERT: she got an F) for a David's Bridal commercial and the last part is her singing in her wedding dress on a hill to the high school prom date who hurt her feelings once. You know, because on your wedding day you really want to take time out to sing an elevator song to a dude who was mean to you a million years ago. Nice try, but no.

Will the Glittery Gays of YouTube grab their video phones, their mom's best lace panties (Note: Make sure you shake 'em out good afterward so your stray pubes doesn't end up in your mother's business. We wouldn't want that.) and show Miss Beyonce how to really do a video on a zero dollar budget.

via HuffPo

Slip on a pair of freshly pressed reading trousers, pull out your Baccarat decanter and pour out zero calorie air into a crystal tumbler and sip on it as you read what Tom Ford told Time Out Hong Kong about how America should probably import its people from China too since our national anthem has become the fat bitch wheeze and our national mascot is the double stuffed fupa.

"Americans are too fat. And in London they are starting to get fat too. So I have to say that if we have to talk about race system and nationalism, I find it refreshing that everyone [who is] Chinese is slim."

The only response I have to this is a prayer asking who ever is in charge of assigning babies to wombs puts this in Tom's surrogate:

If there is a God (and he's fat as fuck), please let this happen!

via The Cut

Jennifer Aniston was honored with a hand and footprint ceremony at Grauman's Chinese Theater in Hollywood today, because when a studio hands over a check with "publicity" written in the memo, they aren't doing it for fucking charity. Yeah, I know Aniston barely deserves to be honored in a kindergarten handprint plaque ceremony, but we should let her have her stupid moment. I mean, she didn't make Justin Theroux wait in the car this time and he did shave the Charles Manson off of his face for the occasion, so obviously this is important to her. YAY for her. Maybe I'm just bitter because whenever I get on all fours and make that face in public I get a citation from a police officer, not forced applause and an introduction by Chelsea Handler.

Ryan Phillippe has no idea if he is the father of Alexis Knapp's baby, but he was still at her side in the delivery room at Cedars-Sinai on Friday when she birthed out a son she called Kai. Ryan could've asked for her DNA test Kai was just a fetus, but apparently he didn't want to complicate Alexis' pregnancy. You could say that Ryan is a responsible and upstanding man or you could say that he's got nothing else to do and had Maury's "You Are Not The Father" marching band on the sidelines in case her baby came out black.

A source tells People that that if Ryan is Kai's father, he's all ready to write a monthly check and help Alexis take care of their baby. No word yet on when the DNA test will take place. Ryan and Alexis should know that there's a simple way of knowing if Kai is his. If Kai's first coo sounds a lot like a slow motion duuuuuuuuuh, then Ryan is his father! Now on to more important matter: like the baby's name!

The truth is, I like Alexis Knapp for three reasons: She's sophisticated enough to know that a white satin bra goes with everything, she's a strong supporter of the 90s black headband and she opens her mouth around any vanilla snake. The latter is something EVERYBODY should do. If it's long and slithers, open your mouth! There's a chance that snake could be attached to Ryan Phillippe. And yes, there's also a chance that snake could bite your tongue and leave you paralyzed from the neck up, but life is about taking chances!

With that being said, the name Kai is disappointing. Alexis' last name is Knapp so the possibilities of an amazing baby name were fucking endless. When life hands you the last name "Knapp," you have to do everyone a favor by naming your first born something like Disco Knapp or Cat Knapp or Ginger S. Knapp....(I'll be doing this all day, by the way.)

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen prove that nothing sells denim shorts like the "catch a troll fart" pose - Hollywood Tuna

The Payless of fashion reality shows gets Nicole Richie as a judge - Lainey Gossip

DORIAN LORD LIVES!!!!!!!!!!! - Reuters

Megan Fox or an Asian cyborg? - The Berry

Boring Nicky Hilton is boring (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

The unsexiest fake lesbian action you'll see all week - The Superficial

It's the job of every president to call it "the internets" and Obama fulfilled that duty yesterday - The Daily What

Little Mister Sunshine - Towleroad

Kimbo Stewart takes Benicio Del Toro's unborn wolf baby out for some Pinkberry - ICYDK

Joan Rivers to Jennifer Garner: "Leave him! He's a pokaaaaah playah! A pooookaaaaah playa! Does he even know his friend's last names?" - Celebitchy

Halle Berry's got the hair of a snotty schoolboy circa 1964 - Popoholic

Did Bob Saget art direct this Olsens photo shoot? - Hollywood Tuna

And then after Justin Timberlake's mom caught him in bed with a girl, she mom screamed, "Britney, why do you have a Cheeto shoved up his...OH MY GOD" - Just Jared

Couldn't Emma Watson let DanRad and the ginger one borrow her brush? - Popsugar

Kate Middleton is still in Canada - Moe Jackson

Ageless tattoos - Cityrag

Kelly Osbourne was either sucking face or on the wrong end of an Xtina sneeze - I'm Not Obsessed

Ugh, Ugh, Douche - Hollywood Rag

Modern Family's baby Lily got fired - SOW

Let's analyze this picture of Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux out in NYC last month. Is that an authentic hot memaw in the middle of them, or could it be the wicked Angie Jolie after downing a potion that turned her into a peddling grandma who will put Aniston to sleep with a poisonous apple (or a viewing of Changeling) so she can snatch that bitch's man? InTouch Weekly (via Hollywood Life) thinks the latter is true.

The story goes that while rock climbing in the tower of her evil castle with the leader of her child army, Angie Jolie asked him, "Maddox, Maddox on the wall, who's the fairest one of all?" Now, you know Maddox is not above twisting the truth into lies in order to keep the drama going, so he answered non-nonchalantly, "Oh, you know, that one who always has stray toy cat whiskers on her Mr. Potato Chin. Yeah, that trick." Lightning struck (aka Brad's dumb ass turned on the lights to ask Angie if she's seen his favorite bong), thunder boomed (aka Brad's dumb ass bumped into the wall after turning off the lights, because he has trouble finding doorways in the dark) and Angie made a vow to finally DESTROY THE THE CHIIIIIIIIIIN!

Angie's first move towards drowning Aniston in a pool of tears, pie filling and cat drool involves working with Justin Theroux. The source explains, “[She] is actively trying to set up a project on which she and Justin would work together. She has been a fan of his for a few years, but she certainly wasn’t in such a hurry to work with him before Jen started dating him. Her timing is suspicious…”

A different source says that Jennifer knows what's going on, "The mere thought of Justin working with Angelina sends her into a tizzy; if it actually happened, it could destroy her. Stealing one man from Jen was bad enough, but stealing two would be the coup de grace."

You just have to HAHAHAHA at this whole mess. Angie trying to wrap her eight clitoricles around Justin Theroux so that she can drag him into a den of Aniston's miserable wails?! I mean, really. Why would I not be surprised if Jen, Angie, Brad and a creative writer meet every Saturday afternoon in the back room of a deli in The Valley to come up with this shit together.

Here's a tip if you ever run out of lube and are too lazy (or naked) to run to the store: Bring up this post on your computer device of choice, lay a paper towel over the screen, let it soak, pull it off and then wring it out over the genitals that need some wet to keep on whistling. Don't forget to send a thank you note to the international treasure that is Valentino!

A pug's best friend Valentino held court at The White Fairy Tale Love Ball in France last night
while the likes of Anne Hathaway, Natalia Vodianova and Daphne Guinness silently prayed that the SPF 10 million they slathered across their faces would protect them against the radioactive rays shooting off of his face. But Valentino is the real brave one here for showing his delicious hushpuppy face around a bunch of skinny skinnies who have been starving themselves for days to fit into their gowns. Seriously, staring at Valentino's face makes me wish I was at a Panda Express with a red plastic tray in my hands and about to say the words: "And make that an extra serving of tangerine chicken with extra GHB gravy, thankyouverymuch."

Here's more stills from The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Oompa Loompa Testicle.

Where oh where am I supposed to feed my craving for sensationalized trash headlines about British reality stars, stoner royals and well aged placentas?!!!!! Evil media mogul Rupert Murdoch and his son James, who runs the company that publishes News of the World, announced today that the earth version of News of the World will be buried this weekend. Oh, at least The Sun is STILL there.

Rupert and James decided to lay off around 200 NotW employees, because readers and advertisers dropped like flies after we all found out that the tabloid allegedly hacked into the cell phone of a murdered teenage girl. Earlier this month, NotW apologized to Sienna Miller and handed over $164,000 in damages to her after they admitted to hacking her phone. They have also been accused of hacking the cell phones of dozens of other celebrities. If that's not enough, police are also investigating claims that their officers were paid by the tabloid for information.

Rupert pet his fluffy white cat and cackled out this statement:

Recent allegations of phone hacking and making payments to police with respect to the News of the World are deplorable and unacceptable.

I have made clear that our company must fully and proactively cooperate with the police in all investigations and that is exactly what News International has been doing and will continue to do under Rebekah Brooks' leadership.

We are committed to addressing these issues fully and have taken a number of important steps to prevent them from happening again.

Translation: "We won't get caught again! Pinky swear!"

But fear not, minions of hell! Rupert Murdoch's News of the Underworld will continue on without an interruption in service. In fact, the cover of this weekend's edition will feature EXCLUSIVE and SCANDALOUS pictures of the devil giving free lap dances over the headline: "Our Girl Nancy Is Always Right!"

Above is the teaser trailer for The Irony Lady, which sadly isn't about Tony Stark's Russian cleaning lady who becomes an accidental crime-fighting heroine when she falls into the Iron Man suit while cleaning the crotch of it with Windex. No, this is about Margaret Thatcher's story or some shit.

Meryl Streep could get a paper bag an Oscar nomination for Best Supporting Actor just by acting out of it, but in this trailer she looks like she has the inner mechanical workings of a Teddy Ruxpin doll. It's very Teddy Ruxpin as Joan Crawford. That being said, she'll still get an Oscar nom and we'll all scream out about the injustices in the world when she loses to MilaKunisRooneyMaraAnneHathaway, because the Academy likes their Best Actress winners the same way a power top pig likes his man holes: young, pretty and hammy.