I'll give you three hints as to who's giving a complimentary thigh show at a gas station in L.A.: She's a she, her nickname is a delicious food item and you'd definitely make a question mark with your face if someone seriously asked you the question, "Why is she famous." And the answer is....GO!
The Dutch reality show Who Is The World Driver In The Netherlands? got their answer when one of the contestants (who isn't Asian or a woman, thankyouverymuch) went full Lohan by crashing into the show's host, putting him in the hospital. None of the passengers were injured and the show's host was released from the hospital after a quick minute. The video above is as educational as it is horrifyingly hilarious. It has taught me that right before I'm about to turn the camera crew into a bunch of bowling pins, I should probably not cover my face and/or step on the gas pedal instead of the brakes. A lesson for the future!
Dear producers of America's Worst Driver, please get this Dutch contestant for next season and don't forget to switch out the hosts! Michael Lohan is available! So is The Situation! And Parasite Hilton! And Nancy Grace! And Kim Kardashian! Get all of them! Line 'em up!
via The Daily What
Nicole Kidman, Baby Faith, Sunday Rose and Keith Urban all blew through LAX this morning as a happy family, but there's something terribly terribly wrong with this picture. Start on the left, now softly dance your eyeballs across the cloudy river of pastel pink cotton candy across the sparkly road of white gum drops, so pretty....so soft...so pretty...and then BAM! You'll land directly on top of a whole lot of cig-stained, whiskey-scented black! This is not what Nicole Kidman had in mind!
Does Nicole have to lay out Keith's white chinos, baby pink gingham shirt and oatmeal cardigan on the bed for him?! Does she have to write him a reminder note on her dry-erase board forehead in black marker to please change into his uniform before they leave for the airport so they can all look like they fell out of a J.Crew catalog together? Why is Keith fucking up their perfect picture?! I mean, Keith Urban already has the highlighted hair of a lesbian tennis player, so he might as well dress like one too.
Gerontobear tries to get him some old coke whore in the pages of Italian Vanity Fair - Celebitchy
Can Jennifer Aniston take Katherine Heigl, Kate Hudson, Cameron Diaz and Fishsticks Paltrow with her? - Lainey Gossip
From Stephanie Seymour's School of Motherly Love: Paulina Porizkova gets her nipples out in front of her son (NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather
Jennifer Aniston's character uses the word "faggot" in Horrible Bosses. Adjust your levels of rage accordingly - Towleroad
Do you think the crew wanted to get peanuts from the catering table and throw them into Adriana Lima's mouth since she never closes it? - Hollywood Tuna
When assholes collide - The Superficial
Please lie to me and tell me James Spader is playing his character from Secretary on The Office - The Daily What
Felicity got herself a case of the babies again - ICYDK
Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel are at it again - Just Jared
A Jesus eye view of three holy messiahs - Popsugar
MiserAlba, still pregnant, still miserable - Popoholic
Turtles to the rescue - Cityrag
Too. Easy. - I'm Not Obsessed
Is that first picture lost footage from Parasite Hilton's sex tape? - The Berry
Detective La Toya was on The Talk yesterday to peddle her new memoirs and she dropped a story about the time her late ex-husband tried to sell her chocha to Mike Tyson. Let's play a game! The price tag on La Toya's nipple read one of the following:
a) Evander Holyfield's ear
b) a fleet of synchronized flying pigeons
d) Joe Jackson's smug ass grin wiped from his face
The answer should be "b," because it would make so much sense that Mike Tyson is only turning himself into The Pigeon Whisperer so that one day he'll have a fleet impressive enough to win La Toya's down low giggle box. The answer is really "c." Yeah. La Toya said this about her abusive ex-husband Jack Gordon:
"Mike Tyson later told my mother and father and some other friends that he had told him that if he wanted to sleep with me he has to pay $100,000. I was in brothels and everything….he made me do Playboy twice and had me sit on the stage and say “Oh no, it was all my idea”…and I had to do that because I knew what he said he would do, he would do it.“
Now you will never hear me say that a wet rumble with La Toya isn't worth $100,000, but is she sure her mama heard right? Mike Tyson's got a lisp like Donald Duck with a burnt tongue, so maybe he really said "one hundred flighty pigeons." Because again, that would make sense on every level.
via The Life Files
I used to think that I wanted the IcyHot years of my life to based on Big Edie's final days at Grey Gardens, but this picture of the honorable head bitch of glamour Little Richard has forced me to makes changes to that blueprint. THIS is what I want to look like. Hell, this is what we should all want to look like. Something tells me that there's no feeling like the one you get when you roll into a room and everybody pulls out their paper fans to cool off the piping hot words "MISS HONAY YES" that come jumping off their tongues whenever they're in your presence. There is no need to get up when Little Richard comes rolling into a room, because he doesn't like to raise his precious head to watch your eyes turn diarrhea green with envy over his exquisite beauty.
Here are all the ingredients needed to be the forever debutante queen at the retirement community:
1. A poly blend wig bought on clearance at the local beauty supply shop that you cut with safety scissors before slathering with Brandywine wig gel. Lay that wig on your head the same way you lay down souls with a wink.
2. A coral scarf to hide the hickeys your admirers give you in rec room's darkest corner. A true gentlemen never displays his sex souvenirs.
3. Using the leftover pieces you cut from your wig and a dab of Spanish Fly, make yourself a skinny moustache wig that'll make El DeBarge jealous.
4. A grandmother of the bride reception suit, get one!
5. Oh, and when you're getting that grandmother of the bride suit at Chadwicks, pick yourself up a grey leather handbag to beat bitch's with.
6. Always keep a bottle of Fanta at your side. Make it your sidekick.
7. Bottom it all off with a pair of rhinestone boots. Nothing more needs to be said about that.
AND that's how you do it!
Roland Bunce, the Hot Slut of the Day who looks like he should have five giant fingers next to his head, has unsurprisingly won Next's "Make Me A Model" contest by a serious landslide!!!! Thanks to the Internet banding together, Roland B took first place with 66,000 votes and left all of the runners-up in a cloud of his ass dust. But sadly, the people's supermodel does not want a life of getting hit on by Leonardo DiCatchAHo and doing lines of the bad shit (Roland would cut his with Bisquick) with Naomi Campbell in the mirrored coke room on Cavalli's yacht. Roland was supposed to battle it out against 249 other model wannabes in the finals later this month, but he has rolled out of the competition due to haters trying to bully his beauty down. According to Metro, Roland wrote this on his Facebook page:
"Just to let you all know I am quitting the Next Model contest.
It was a big honour to win and it's been fun but the amount of abuse I've been getting since Thursday is out of control and I've now just been threatened.
Thanks to everyone who has supported me but I am now bowing out before this gets any worse."
Why in red hell fuck don't the haters chase away models we really don't need in the industry! Roland B is a star and has IT. How could you hate a man who has a head like Katie Holmes' belly button and who can Super SMIZE your emotions with his eyes? Eff me with Naomi's BlackBerry and pour me into Kate's coke spoon, because this is sad. But I don't think we've heard the last of Roland! A dude whose name sounds "Rollin Blunts" is definitely going places!
The 10-minute long clip above is not an SNL sketch starring Amy Poehler, Rachel Dratch, Fred Armisen and Will Ferrell. It's the ring leader of the Casey Anthony Circus, Nancy Grace, and her company of crazed freaks verbally smearing shit on their padded walls over a Florida jury's decision to acquit the object of their lunacy: Tot Mom. Nancy disappointed me earlier when she creepily calm about the Casey Anthony shit, but the deranged bitch made up for it on her show later on when she declared that the devil is dancing tonight! Yup, the devil definitely dropped it low to the sound of a bow of insanity scratching against Nancy's vocal cords. YES!
Watching the ends of Nancy's Labyrinth wig catch on fire over this mess is my new favorite sport, but that's not the best part. The best part is when that Sue Moss nut job opens her mouth and out comes a sandpaper sack full of screeching squirrels. It's what it would sound like if Donald Trump scream coughed into a Gilbert Gottfried fart. If hos really want to punish Casey Anthony, they should just play Sue's voice on loud speakers in front of her house every morning. That is a voice that'll make you dig into the wooden floor boards with your fingernails to find the gateway to Hell.
And now that Casey Anthony is probably going to go free, can we end this sexual tension by putting her in a cage with Nancy Grace! Nancy has been rage flirting with Casey for YEARS and that's the only reasonable way it should all end.
Kim Kardashian's dumb dumpster rat mouth said she was SHOCKED and Khloe Kardashian said she was DISGUSTED about the Casey Anthony verdict, but neither of those useless toilet tank tramps were as inappropriately eloquent with their responses as the used makeup puff in a weave known as Aubrey O'Day.
The Shameless Attention Whore Code of Non-Ethics states that when a bitch is found not guilty of allegedly murdering her 2-year-old daughter, you should respond by posting a picture of your NOT RIGHT ass in a bikini. And Aubrey O'Day did just that. You can always count on Aubrey to break the tension with her plastic titty sacks that still have Diddy's greasy fingerprints all over them. Thank you, Aubrey!
But to be fair, this is how Aubrey handles all serious news. "Shaking your tits in a bikini" is the fame whore's equivalent to "shaking my head." When China's synchronized army finally takes control of America and makes all of us their slaves, we can find relief in knowing that in a Studio City basement apartment, Aubrey O'Day is sucking in her labia while doing the "MAKING IT ABOUT ME" pose in front of her bathroom mirror.
And that melancholy howl you hear is LeAnn Rimes wailing at the top of the highest peak in Fantasia, because she didn't come up with this mess herself.
Natalie Portman gave birth to a future Harvard valedictorian, Nobel Peace Prize recipient, savior of the animals and Oscar-winning human almost a month ago and we haven't heard one thing about any of them. No pictures of Natalie smiling next to her perfect human baby and the completed illustrated book report he did on Pride & Prejudice in his own drool for fun. No talk of how Natalie's perfect human baby has already discovered the cure for cancer in his own piss. We don't even know his name! We don't know if she named him Natalie Portman's Perfect Baby Portman-Millipied or Hebrew National Dijon Portman-Millipied. But when you don't say shit, you can always count on your relatives to say shit for you.
One of Natalie's cousins tells an Israeli newspaper (via ONTD) that she's given her baby the name of:
Alef is "A" in the Hebrew alphabet and apparently also means leader.
How is it pronounced? Is it pronounced "a leaf"? You know, like the thing Natalie pulls from the tree in her backyard and nibbles on in the middle of the field with a side of sun-baked sprouts as the woodland creatures happily dance around her because she's not eating their asses? Or is it pronounced "a lef." You know, like what Natalie is going to scream out at nobody in particular when Benjamin eventually twirls out of her life to get with a hotter slut in a tutu? "OH MY GAW! Benjamin A LEF ME!!!" No, since this is Natalie's baby, I'm pretty sure we have to pronounce it as: "our lord and savior."
Anyway, the name Alef Millipied is so Natalie (see: pretentious as fuck) and surprisingly I don't want to hiss at it. But maybe that's because if you drop the "e" in Alef, you'll have the name of a cat-eating hairy alien with a bread loaf nose.