It's amazing what smearing Rogaine on your chest and dumping your make-up drawer into the trash can do! Yes, Zac Efron is still so pretty that I just want to miniaturize him and keep him in a jewelry box so I can watch him twirl whenever I want, but look at him trying to butch up his princess look!
Over the weekend, Zac Efron flashed his scattered chest pubes and made everyone forget for a second that his b-lips taste like strawberry kiwi lip gloss and that he pisses Victoria's Secret Pink body mist. I mean, I don't even think that's a concealer stick in his pocket! Okay, it's totally a concealer stick in his pocket. You don't expect Zac to change his easy, breezy, beautiful ways overnight!
One thing I know for sure after looking at these pictures of Janice Dickinson on the beach in Malibu yesterday is that when I'm 56 years old, I hope I too have zero fucks to give and will strut out in public no matter what.
Who cares if people won't sleep tonight, because Janice looks like one of the cave creatures from The Descent in a two piece! Who really cares if scientists would like to poke at Janice, because she looks like a mutated piece of overcooked steak fat that fell in a vat of acid! Who cares if it looks like all the muscles inside of her body are scurrying for the next exit! Who cares if I was Jerry Hall I'd have the weirdest lady boner right now! Who cares if Janice is leaving people confused, because she doesn't have a sales tag from Wilson's Leather sewed onto the back of her neck! Who cares if the bottle of SPF lube I keep next to my desk for outdoor fapping just dried up when these pictures hit my screen!
Who cares, because Janice certainly doesn't! And yes, if Janice Dickinson introduced herself to me as Iggy Pop, I so would.
What's the number to 911? That Chilean wart hog is attacking Danny DeVito! - The Superficial
I hope SamRo's new piece just loves rage texts from a scorned crackhead at 4 in the morning - Lainey Gossip
Nothing says "failing at life" like getting arrested for stalking Parasite Hilton in the year 2011 - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
From the department of Boo Hoo Bitch - Towleroad
Lily Allen does not look like Lily Allen in Elle UK - Celebitchy
JWoww's titty sacks look like they are just trying to escape to her armpit - Hollywood Tuna
Brad Whitford is looking awful! - Just Jared
Beyonce's wig gets its own Vogue Italia spread - The Berry
At this point, roasting Charlie Sheen is like roasting burnt crack rock remnants on a plastic spoon - ICYDK
Breaking: Miranda Kerr pumps her own gas - Popoholic
Lazy baby is lazy - Cityrag
Trouty lips is getting sent up the river - OMG Blog
Holly Madison wearing a dress made from the wallpaper samples from a book my abuelita snatched from Home Depot - Hollywood Rag
Someone's pissed off (GONG, etc) - Videogum
Evan Rachel Wood is back with Billy Elliot - I'm Not Obsessed
The gut brand on Reese Witherspoon looks exactly like the stomach tattoo my cholo cousin got in prison - Popsugar
Attention whoring Simian alert - The Daily What
When Casey Anthony was given the go ahead by the jury to make up for 3 years of hard partying, my first reaction was to cover my ears and take cover under a table, because I just knew pieces of Nancy Grace would come flying through my window at any second. Because if anybody was going to gnaw their fingers off and then spit the bits in the face of the jury out of disgust, it was going to be Nancy Grace. Because whatever is left of Nancy's sanity has been a speeding White Bronco throughout this entire trial.
So I was a little surprised, disappointed and looking for a refund when I watched Nancy's reaction to the verdict. Why didn't Nancy sprawl her legs out on the desk, give birth to a Lady Justice replica made of her internal organs and then repeatedly punch it in the face? Why didn't Nancy do this?! My only explanation is that Nancy was exhausted, because her head popped off her body, flew all the way to The Soup studios in L.A. and landed on Joel McHale's lap.
Oh, fucking well. We'll be able to witness a real Nancy Grace meltdown when Casey inevitably joins the cast of Dancing with the Stars, and when she gets paid six figures for a spread in Hustler Magazine, and when she releases a tell-all/cocktail recipe book, and when she becomes one of Charlie Sheen's goddesses, and when she shoots a Skinemax movie with Lindsay Lohan...
Casey Anthony just got away with child murder (Jodie Sweetin, dye your hair brown and call your agent NOW!), but let's forget about the female OJ for a second and watch this seal do a spot-on impersonation of a Snooki queef instead. Oh, snoring seal, when they named the show America's Got Talent, they were talking about you!
Today, the role of full-fledged fuckery will be played this story from TMZ. Below are the series of events that led my face to make the same look Katt Williams is making in the picture above. Love is killed and made in the parking lot of a Jack-in-the-Box and now here's proof of that.
- On June 24th, Katt Williams' tour bus pulled into a Jack-in-the-Box in Williams, Arizona. At about the same time, Lester, the retired police dog on the left, got away from his owners during a walk and ran towards the tour bus. Whatever it was (examples: mistaking Katt's hair for two beaver tails, trying to find the crack on the bus, etc....), something made Lester get Cujo-ey and he bit at Katt's bodyguard twice. Katt's bodyguard fought back by shooting Lester dead.
- Katt came running out of the bus, looked at Lester's dead body and told the dog's owners that he will definitely fire a pink slip into his bodyguard's chest for doing that shit.
- Katt then told Lester's owners to wait and he went inside of the bus for a few minutes. When he came out, he magically had a Mastiff puppy in his arms and gave it to the family as an apology gift for sending their dog Lester on a one-way ticket to heaven. Lester's family took the puppy. Why do I have a feeling that Katt randomly carries around spare Mastiff puppies for occasions like this?
- Sad faces quickly turned into happy faces and Lester's family asked Katt to pose in a picture with them and their new Mastiff puppy named Bella. Lester's family tells TMZ that they are glad Katt took responsibility for killing their dog and they will never go back to Jack-in-the-Box again. You know, because Jack-in-the-Box is the reason why their dog Lester got shot up.
- The police showed up, interviewed everybody involved and left without pressing charges against Katt's bodyguard.
How many times did you make a scratch under WTF while reading this mess of a story? I count 6 at least. Something in the crack pipe definitely got smoked. I know the facts aren't completely there, but I'm still going to declare this as the most adorable yet tragic drug deal gone wrong ever.
Sean Penn has the hair of a low-ranking mobster turned car salesman whose fingers always smell like cigars and tuna fish water, the face of a scorched Proboscis monkey, the sanity of a bat's colostomy bag and the temper of your average MTA bus rider, but would you stop sitting with me at the back table if I said that his body makes me say that I would? I was about to say that I wish I was a rescue boat that needed plugging, but that's going too far and it's only Tuesday in Monday's clothing. So I'll eat the rest of my thoughts about this topic while your brain eats the image of the sentence before this one. On that note....
Here's more of 50-year-old Sean Penn with his new piece-of-the-moment Stacey Koplin in Malibu yesterday.
The wise gay fish that is Kanye West once said that you can say whatever kind of bullshit you want on Twitter as long as you throw an LOL after it. Trying to prove him right, LeAnn Rimes threw this picture of her "curves" up on her Twitter page the other day. This will make a lovely picture for the ad campaign for LeAnn's new perfume "Insecurity by LeAnn Rimes" (fragrant notes of Brandi Glanville's cloned DNA, yellow bile, Bastian Bux's crotch, the slobber that comes out of Eddie Cibrian's mouth when he looks at the balance of his joint checking account with LeAnn, wrecked house dust, dental veneer glue, baked silicone, Twitter Whale farts and the no-so-subtle hint of delusional desperation).
I get it that LeAnn's version looking in the mirror of self-affirmation and saying to herself "GOSH DARN IT, PEOPLE LIKE ME" is posting bikini pictures of herself so that her followers can tell her she looks hot. I get it, but damn. If I was married to Eddie Cibrian, I'd fill the time on my hands with his dick, not a camera phone and BlackBerry keys. But whatever, bitch. I type that as my eyeballs draw an imaginary curve in front of me. You know, an imaginary curve like the one LeAnn thinks she sees.
Here's 16-year-old Connor Cruise coming face-to-face with a pair of bare titties in Miami over the weekend. (For the NSFW version, click here.) The face Connor Cruise is making is the exact opposite face his dad Tommy Girl makes when he comes across lady chichis in the wild. If this was Tommy Girl, his face would contort into a glib seizure, the Thetans around his Scientolohole would throw themselves in Xenu's volcano and his handlers would have to sweep in to cradle him close while whispering in his ear to go to his happy place. THIS, being his happy place.
Topless homegirl's friend knows what I'm talking about. She's definitely throwing a "Bitch, you're braver than me. The last time I flashed a Cruise, his hos covered my tits with dick-shaped nipple cozies" side-eye. But they were safe around Connor who didn't seem to mind that he was sharing breathing space with areolas of the female variety. Meanwhile, back at his hotel...
The Daily Mail has pictures of Tommy Girl with a pussy all over his face. Yes, it's true that even Siegfried and Roy wouldn't throw a treat at Tiger Girl, but it's also true that looking at Tommy in tiger face is really making me with there was an animated children's series called ThunderGays.
This B- list movie actor who is not a bad looking guy at all continued his streak recently. Interesting streak. When he goes to a premiere for a new movie he is in, he always gets orally serviced. I need to clarify that he does not do it at every premiere city, but at one of the premieres he will get it done. He says it guarantees box office success. So far that is kind of hit and miss, but he got it taken care of
this last week. (CDAN)
Larry Crowne, The Conspirator and Transformers 3 all had some kind of premiere last week. This shit isn't Tom Hanks since he's strictly A-list and seems like the type who giggles during beejes, which would piss everybody in the theater off. Josh Duhamel is sitting on a solid C, so it isn't him. James McAvoy? No. So that leaves Shia LaDouche! It fits perfectly and this is some crazy OCD (stands for obsessive compulsive doucheorder) thing only he'd come up with.
And don't feel bad for the poor soul who has to bruise her torso on a movie seat armrest while trying to fight the voms from sucking on Shia's cheese doodle dick. At least she doesn't have to watch Transformers.
This actress had one of the longest careers ever. She starred in what is considered by some to be the best movie ever made. She was also an Academy Award winner/nominee. The thing about our actress is she never got married. She also never really had that many relationships. Maybe one or two that might have happened when the whispers got louder. Oh yes there were whispers about something. Why would I write about something if there were no whispers. It seems that our actress did have a lover. A lifetime lover actually. Not so strange or whisper inducing right? Well, it is if your lover is also your sister. (CDAN)
Old Hollywood did scandal so much better than the new hos. Nowadays, a celebrity would never softly sing "incest is beeeest" into her sister's cooch. Anyway, I've heard this one before. Lillian and Dorothy Gish. Exhibit: A.
Do you live in Westchester County? Have you ever fantasized about having an affair with a Major League Baseball player while his wife waits in another room? Now all of your dreams can come true! Simply respond to this Craigslist ad. Hurry, Ladies!:
pro ball player in town real post
So have a hot fantasy, I’m staying in westchester tonight with wife. Looking for a wild hot woman to meet at my hotel in a different room and ill sneak out. If we click looking for an on going thing. I’m white tall fit blue eyes. Send a pic and this is a real post. I play mlb but please don’t ask what team need discretion , I will tell you once I trust you..
Hurry ladies (Blind Gossip
When I Googled "famous white baseball player," I got Sammy Sosa. White skin... blue eyes... Seems like a fit to me!
P.S. - CDAN gave the answers to a ton of blind items yesterday. Surprisingly, every single answer is not John Travolta, ALL OF THEM or Blake Lively.