If you think your relationship lacks affection or intimacy and think you are the only one in the world, then this will make you feel so much better. This married couple consists of two solid B- movie stars. Never above the line stars, but generally the second lead for him, while the actress has been a female lead, but only in indies is it ever more than just fluff. The couple is so sterile that when they see each other even after several weeks apart, all that ever happens is an awkward hug hello. No kissing or touching, and definitely no sex, which when you consider one of her roles is rather surprising. Staying together for the child/ren? (CDAN)
Matthew Broderick and SJP? But they don't strike me as the "awkward hug hello" type. Not those theater queens. They probably hug with jazz hands, recite a few lines from The Wizard of Oz's reunion scene and then fall into their silk pink sofa before watching a Judy Garland marathon while eating rainbow popcorn.
So maybe this is the greedy A hoarders known as Maggie Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard? It's how the Nords do it.
Which A-list actress banned the director’s bisexual wife from the set of their last film because the woman wouldn’t stop hitting on her? Even though the star’s also an admitted bisexual, she was creeped out by the woman’s unwanted attention. (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip)
St. Angie Jo and whoever's the wife of the dude who directed The Tourist? But you know she still scissored her.
After three years of dating, this celebrity couple is calling it quits. One is a musician, one does a lot of things in the industry, including sleeping with married costars, which might help explain the split. (BuzzFoto)
John Legend and that Danielle Abreu chick? It doesn't exactly fit in there. But other than typing "CHARO?CHARO?CHARO!" over and over again because it makes my soul jizz, I've nothing.
This is the third time we’ve heard bad things about this West Coast Celebrity’s restaurant. This time, a source tells us that they a found cigarette butt in their food. After complaining about it, the management tried to claim the butt belonged to our source (who has never smoked a day in their life) and then after an argument ensued, escorted our source out of the restaurant. (BuzzFoto)
This has to be Eva Longoria. The source should look at it through a half-full glass, though. Would they rather have a cigarette butt in their food or Eva Longoria's butt. Exactly.
Instead of writing about how Hugh Hefner is bragging on Twitter that he sticks his overcooked crypt noodle into several vaginas on the weekly, I'm going to share this educational baking video with you. It's the better option for everyone's genitals. This is a hungover Chelsea Handler (this is not a hungover Chelsea Handler) showing you the easiest way to get some creamy coochie on your plate next to putting your creamy coochie on a plate.
I'll just sit here with my bag of mini malt balls and dried apricots while waiting for her to show us how to make anus cupcakes.
Long gone are the days of RiRi getting chased down by Morrissey with a shank made out of a celery stalk, because she has finally ripped the Ronald McDonald/Side Show Bob/Annie out of her hair!
While shopping for stupid shit at Saks Fifth Avenue in Beverly Hills last night, RiRi's scalp no longer looked like it was having a heavy flow day. RiRi's weave is now the exact shade as the hair color of my junior high school friend after she got inspired by an episode of House of Style (damn you, Todd Oldham) and poured cranberry juice on the top of her head while laying out on the driveway. It looked like dead hell and also didn't cure her hair's bladder infection.
And while doing research for this breaking news story, I came across these works of tampon art. Tell me what your lobe size is and I'll send you a pair next Valentine's Day.
Kate Bosworth and some dude try to look like they're not together while the lady in the back thinks to herself, "Shit. I should give one of them this apple. It's what Sally Struthers would want." - Lainey Gossip
Straight from the CDC's manual on how a new STD is born - The Superficial
What in Latino Katy Perry hell is Selena Kay Letourneau wearing? - Hollywood Tuna
American Idol kept Glamberace from admitting what's obvious to anybody with working eyes and a no-no that puckers - Towleroad
Boring Ashley Greene being boring in a boring toddler boring onesie - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
I guess rubbing the bone dust of virgins on her cellulite isn't working for Madge - Celebitchy
Knocked up orange alert - The Daily What
What an acoustic duet between Kim Zolciak and Countess LuMann would sound like - The Berry
Hurley nips! - Popoholic
Ryan Murphy needs a moment - Just Jared
Is Vampire Beeeeeehl saying "prune"? - Popsugar
ENABLER: ABC is - OMG Blog
Nicolette Sheridan got another new face - Hollywood Rag
Speaking of semi-new faces, is Teri Snatcher wearing one of those million dollar Casey Anthony masks? - I'm Not Obsessed
Walken this way - Cityrag
Fun fact: You could fit at least a dozen knocked up Poshes inside Scary Spice's swole baby sack - Crunk + Disorderly
(Image via Pacific Coast News)
Meet a 6-week-old furry clump of awww who nearly died of starvation when she was left abandoned on the side of a road and is now feeling more cold shade from humanity. The staff at Godmanchester's Wood Green animal shelter, who nursed her back to health and named her Kitler, told Metro that nobody wants to adopt her and they think it has something to do with the natural born Hitler stache over her tiny mouth.
"We re-home five and a half thousand animals every year but we cannot find a loving owner for Kitler. We think her unusual markings are putting people off. Kitler is an adorable little girl who will make a wonderful addition to the right family. She is really playful and a typical sweet kitten."
Will somebody heil those dumb bitches in the back of the head? It's not because of her markings, it's because of the fact that you named her KITLER! You can try to make her seem as adorable as possible by naming her cage "Meowschwitz" and telling people she loves to recite meows from Meow Kampf, but it's not going to work! Hitler cannot be adorable. (Okay, Kitler is slightly adorable). They need to squash the rumors of Kitler's hate for Jew cats by putting together a friendly photo-op between her and Yarmulkitteh.
When Spaz de la Huerta slid into a Manhattan courthouse yesterday to plead guilty to slapping a trick, she drizzled high art fuckery on the thirsty masses by giving a free show at the security screening checkpoint. Here I was thinking that all the best performance art pieces happen on a Penn Station subway platform when the highest levels of messy art go down at the courthouse.
Page Six says that everyone was "riveted" when Spaz sashayed through the magnetometers and then slowly slathered her legs with lotion. One courthouse employee was so "riveted" that he obviously stored Spaz's high art lotion show in his brain's memory chip to pull out later while he's doing "very nice lotioning" stuff to his down low parts. Dude ejaculated these words from his mouth:
"She did both legs all the way up to the thighs. It was lovely. Very nice lotioning!"
I wish I was very nice at lotioning. It would solve of all my social problems. But seriously, that wasn't lotion Spaz lubed up her legs with. Lotion is for breathing humans and Spaz is beyond a breathing human. Spaz is like a walking chorizo with matte pink lips. So it wasn't lotion. It was Crisco. Very nice Criscoing! There, I fixed it for him.
Here's Criscoing champion and the most beautiful woman in the world arriving at court yesterday while looking like she just finished a 12-hour-long orgy in a boiler room.
If Gary Busey could remember who Meat Loaf is, he would laugh his mouth Chiclets off over what went down in Pittsburgh last night. Meat Loaf was in the middle of a show when his knees suddenly hit the stage floor like a narcoleptic bat out of hell. As one person slow clapped for Meat Loaf, medics helped him up and took him backstage. Meat Loaf later stumbled back on stage to finish the show and said the words most of us long to say from the bottom of a bathroom stall at the end of a Saturday night.
"I fucking fainted. I have asthma ... I can't breathe ... and then ... oh wait, I forgot ... I got poked by a pin and bled half to death ... and then I got slapped in the face and my tooth is loose."
So, basically Meat Loaf felt the way most of us feel when we read a dozen Buseyisms in a row.
Vegan, animal activist and noted cuntatarian Morrissey puked out a quarter pounder of shit with an extra slice of inappropriateness the other night when he compared the massacre in Norway to the slaughter of cows for McDonald's "meat." Hold that thought, Morrissey, because Lady Caca's slaves delivered bags upon bags of McDonald's to all of the fans that waited outside of the Chateau Marmont for hours to meet her. Why wait for hours to meet Caca when they could've been at home fucking themselves with a Breathless Mahoney doll since it's practically the same thing? But that's a question for another day.
Along with the bags full of screaming cow patties, Caca attached this little love note:
"Dear little monsters. Thank you for singing to me all day and night. I love you with all my heart. You make everyday worth living. Kisses to the cops for keeping you safe. Love Lady GaGa"
Do you want to wrap the map to Caca's meat Nazi (Meatzi?) bunker in lettuce leaves and pass it to Morrissey or shall I? Wait. Or are we supposed to bolt the theater doors and hold Caca down while Morrissey writes "MEATZI" on that bitch's forehead in tahini sauce? I forget how the movie goes.
And here's Lady Hitler leaving her hotel last night while looking like a lazy-eyed, coked-up trans bunny in a Donatella Versace wig and one of Morticia's old dresses. Or if you want the short version: looking like Elvira Aguilera.
According to Celebrity Net Worth, selling albums and collecting residuals for playing the title role in Troll has earned Soulja Boy (Google it, you dumb fuck) a net worth of $23 million. $23 million is $23 million, but it's still $32 million away from $55 million. TMZ claims that Soulja Boy dropped $55 million of his own money on a G5 jet. Financing a $55 million jet when you only have $23 million is one of way turning to the last page in Chapter 10.
Soulja Boy's management, who should really reserve the domain Brokeaboy.com for future use, says that the private jet cost $35 million. Soulja Boy spent another $20 million on a new bathroom, custom leather seats, travertine floors, flat screen TVs and a paint job that includes his stupid ass logo on the side. The living ghost of MC Hammer's past bought it as a 21st birthday present to himself.
Is there such a thing as time sharing a private jet? You know, you pay for a small piece of it and every time you fly it a salesperson makes you sit through a 4-hour breakfast where they try to sell you an even bigger piece? Because we all know that gremlin leprechaun's pot of gold isn't that big. I guess we'll never know how he paid for that mess.
Actually, you can ask Soulja Boy that question in 5 years when you're sitting next to him on a Southwest flight to Sacramento, where he'll perform at the opening of a third party cell phone store on a makeshift stage made of upside down garbage cans and plywood. I shouldn't hate. I'm just jealous, because that G5 jet is going to make a perfect backyard planter when Soulja Boy can't afford to fly it anymore.