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Crystal Harris continued on her Failed Gold Digging Whore Tour today by talking with Howard Stern about the first time she ever humped the bone dust out of Hugh Hefner's grave worm dick. It was pretty much the kind of romantic shit you'd expect between a 24-year-old lazy gold digger and an 85-year-old grandwhore. Crystal got to bypass Hef's usually conveyer belt line of blonde sluts and go straight to the front for a two-second long ride that made her pussy frown. Crystal spoke the language of true romance when she put it like this to Howard:

"[It lasted] like, two seconds. Then I was just over it. I was like, 'Ahh.' I was over it. I just, like, walked away. I'm not turned on by Hef. Sorry. He doesn't really take off his clothes. I've never seen Hef naked."

Sugar Pie better stick her little paw out, because Anna Nicole Smith is about to shed one single tear from heaven over this hurtful shit. Anna Nicole would've never behaved like that. That bum bitch Crystal Harris is a shame to all gold diggers. Yes, the thought of riding on Hef would make most coochies stiffen up like they've got rigor mortis, but you slap it loose and handle it.

You picture Hef's wrinkly flesh stick as his checking account and you picture your vag as your checking account. With every thrust you make, you picture a "transfer transmitting" bar. Don't hit back, just keep thrusting. Make that transfer, bitch! Seriously, that's how a real gold digger does it. I swear. If I was related to Crystal, I'd erase her name from our family tree on Ancestry.com. A shame.

via UsWeekly

Tami "It Wasn't Not Funny" Roman strikes again. On last night's Basketball Wives, Meeka and Tami both crawled into the ring at a club in Rome to battle it out after the former talked shit about the latter to Slow Suzie (the trick in the middle). Anybody who has seen 10 seconds of Tami in all her reality show glory should know not to turn your eyes away from her during a fight or she will give you a surprise in the form of a palm to the damn face. BITCH GOT PALMED! Tami patty caked Meeka right in the face and let that bitch's nostrils know whether or not she washed her hands after wiping her ass. Tami stop in the name of love-ed that bitch!

Even Suzie, who is always operating on a 10-second delay, closed her eyes real quick and prayed that she also wouldn't be stumbling back to the hotel with Tami's palm print on her face. It's a good thing that greasy ass Meeka's face pores naturally secrete Vaseline or else she would've had Tami's palm print on her face. Meeka's face is always prepared for a brawl.

If you need to see the violent face palm felt around Rome in action, here you go:

What would Bethasaurus say about this mess?

via Crunk + Disorderly

This celebrity couple is pregnant, but both parties aren’t happy about it.

She is all about the family. She loves children and would happily have whole gaggle of kids. But he is just not that into being a husband and father, and was looking for a way out of the marriage. In fact, he already had one foot out the door. Why? Because an ex of his is going to be back on the market soon, and he was excited about giving that relationship another shot. But with another bun now in the oven, he knows he would look like a total jerk if he left his wife within the next year.

Expect the baby announcement to be made within the next three weeks. And expect him to pretend he’s happy about it. After all, his many talents do include acting. (Blind Gossip)

Jennifer Garner, Ben Affleck and JLo? If it is their asses, we should silently gives thanks to that unborn Affleck baby for keeping us from suffering through the second coming of Bennifer 1.0, because their joint interviews are the stuff barf is made of. Thanks for taking one for the team, baby.

When this D List actor dad from a popular, mostly 90′s show couldn’t cut the line on the Indiana Jones ride at Disneyland, he shoved the kid attendant and told him to “Fuck off!” He then yelled at the crowd, “What are you looking at? Don’t act like you people are anything like me. I’ve done things. Don’t fucking look at me!” He stormed out of the ride even though the staff did their best to console him and were polite. Most people stood in shock, but the crowd actually applauded as he left. (BuzzFoto)

Bob Saget was the name my brain first burped up after reading this shit since he was forced to say G-rated words for so long that nowadays all he does is say fuckofffuckofffuckoff on a loop. Dude has a lot of fucks to off since he couldn't say those words for most of the 90s. But I'm going to guess Alfonso Ribeiro, because it's been way too long since I've typed the name Alfonso Ribeiro.

Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony are not the only celebrity couple who have been able to keep their breakup on the DL. This other dual-celebrity couple has also called it quits after several years of marriage. The husband and wife are each very successful in their chosen professions, though she tends to sample other creative outlets. Both are award nominees/winners, but she is the much more high-profile of the two. The breakup happened several months ago, but they are stalling the public announcement until later this year while the finances and custody arrangements are being worked out. We expect that it will be a very intelligent and civilized divorce (Blind Gossip)

SJP & Matthew Broderick or Fishsticks Paltrow & Chris Martin? If it's the latter, we should've this coming for two reasons: a) Two cunts only work in a lesbian relationship and b) When Fishy talked about how she would rather smoke crack than eat canned cheese, she was obviously making fun of Chris' dick cheese.

This D list actress has not been in anything in forever. Oh, she still has close to A list recognition which is remarkable considering how little she has done in years. It is that child star thing. It sticks with you. Anyway, her boyfriend was overheard commenting the other night that he only stays with her because she is rich, gives great head and has the best supply of coke anywhere in North America. (CDAN)

That's my Kimmy Gibler!

You know the recession is an international issue when a wax museum in Paris takes the black glasses off of a Colonel Sanders wax statue and calls it a Brad Pitt wax statue - The Superficial

Aubrey O'Day is just queefing BlackBerries now - Hollywood Tuna

Prince Pierced Peen doth protests a lot - Lainey Gossip

Bitch busts into a bush (not a still from a LiLo/SamRo sex tape) - MiserAlba's unborn baby must be set to: elephant - Popoholic

"I wish I had tits like yours" - Cameron Diaz to A-Rod - Popsugar

The holy child army already owns every single toy ever made in the history of toys, so I'm guessing they're just doubling up now - Just Jared

Dear Katie Price, UGGs in costume as Moon Boots are still UGGs. Now burn them, bitch. - (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Blake Lively takes a break from playing Leonardo DiCaprio's pretend piece to play some other role - Popoholic

The world according to New York - Cityrag

Breaking News: Katherine Heeeeeeeeeiigggl is an annoying bitch - Celebitchy

Kristin Calamari bites the paps that feed her 15-minutes - Hollywood Rag

One of Kirstie Alley's tits is trying to jump into that tacky ass bag and the other is trying to float off toward Xenu - ICYDK

Ben Affleck's wig spat out a baby that crawled onto Jason Alexander's head - SOW

And I'm going to need to know the name of Lauryn Hill's latest baby friend - I'm Not Obsessed

Colin Firth's southern accent sounds like Matthew McConaughey trying to do a Brit doing a southerner - The Berry

Poke at me when the sequel to Britons in Walmarts called Britons in Costco comes out - The Daily What

Your afternoon isn't complete until your eyes have had a cup of Jason Fleming's soft serve dick, so here you go (NSFW) - OMG Blog

Precious from Silence of the Lambs feels left out - Videogum

It's German tradition for the schoolchildren of the village to gather together in the middle of the summer to skip down to the local well where they tie a Sharpie to the top of it and hum the melody of "Maria Magdalena" while patiently waiting for a bronzed unicorn to twirl up in a cloud of shooting star dust. As the children throw heidelbeeres soaked in hummingbird juice at the bronzed unicorn, he gives birth to dozens of rainbow-colored uterus sacks and passes them out to the young. Yeah, in America, parents take their kids to Big Lots for school supplies, and in Germany, parents take their kids to the local well. That is the full explanation for these priceless pictures of former Hot Slut of the Week and the most beautiful creature in Germany Harald Glööckler in Berlin the other day.

Before Harald was shot from the earth's core to the surface, the schoolchildren were told to not stare directly at the delicate ebony arches over his onyx ball eyes or his brows would wrap around their soul and leave them stunned. Obviously, this ginge didn't follow that rule:

Don't worry, they shaved the ginge's hair, threw it in a pot full of spider blood and mixed it into a rouge until Harald's star hole (no dirt there, thankyouverymuch) started to whistle like a hot kettle. Then they dabbed a little on Harald's cheeks, and just as he started to smile the spell broke and the ginge woke up. The end. And don't expect me to get into how Harald's lips stay so glossy.

These pictures of Kim Kardashian at LAX with marks on her legs are from last week and most figured that the lacquered shell that covers her body was starting to chip and she just needed to be wheeled into the mannequin factory for a touch-up. But nope. Those marks were a preview for the July 24th episode of Krapping Up the Kardashians where Kim breaks down on the set of a commercial and confesses that she has psoriasis. How many takes do you think it took for Kim to try to say "psoriasis" before the crew said fuckit and asked Khloe to do it in post-production? Kim then went on to wah wah wah about how it's so hard being perfect.

"People don't understand the pressure on me to look perfect. When I gain a pound it's in the headlines. Imagine what the tabloids would do to me if they saw all these spots!

I have to wear a sports bra and I have this rash all over my stomach. What will the producers say? In a photoshoot they can just photo-shop it out but this is on video. They can't hide this."

"Kim Kardashian looks perfect," said absolutely fucking no one.

"Imagine what the tabloids would do to me if they saw all these spots!" Bitch, they'd publish those pictures which is exactly what you sold your soul to Lucifer for. Why is Kim really acting like she doesn't use her "imperfections" to extend her time on the prime corner of the ho stroll? This is the ho who is on the cover of a tabloid every other week shouting: "I HAVE CELLULITE. SO WHAT?" So that's why I'm a little surprised that Kim didn't use her disease to get a "This is my psoriasis bikini body!" cover of Life & Style that should've out the same day as that KUWTK episode. Kris Jenner is slipping.

26-year-old Aimee Rachlin (aka Dumb Bitch #1) of Huntington, New York was arrested on Friday for leaving her baby in a giant unlocked oven while she shopped for 15 minutes inside of an air conditioned K-Mart. The cops were called, because everybody knows you don't leave a baby baking in a car. You chain their ankle to the rim and give them an ice cube! Well, Aimee didn't do this, so she was taken in for child endangerment.

News reporter Christine Insinga (aka Dumb Bitch #2) was sent to the baby broiler's mother's house, where she's currently living, and knocked on the door. Christine was greeted by an unknown woman (aka Dumb Bitch #3) who said "hello" by giving her a face full of tap water and then turning the hose on her when she refused to leave.

IN THIS HEAT (which is the IN THIS ECONOMY of summer 2011), bitch is bringing the stupid in heavy doses by wasting that water. Where was this bitch with a tub full of water when that overheated baby in the parking lot needed her most?! And if Aimee wore this mask, the police would've just let her go. Stupid ho should've known this. Dumb bitches, all of them.

via Asylum (Thanks Mox)

"Do you take Wiener Dog as your lawfully wedded wife?" are the words most of us wish we could hear on our wedding day and Caroline "Not The Model One" Murphy is the lucky bitch whose ears will be tickled by those words in the near future. Heather Matarazzo of Welcome to the Dollhouse tells Associated Press that her girlfriend of a long ass time took her aside and said to her, " Yo, Wiener, you better get ready, 'cause at three o'clock today, I'm gonna WED you!"

They're engaged! Heather put the happy news like this:

"My eyes and spirit have opened up since I found someone that I get to share my life with. I don't believe that I've found my other half. That would mean I was thinking of myself as incomplete."

Heather and Caroline, who looks like she could've been Becky #3 if Roseanne needed another one, are planning a wedding in New York for this fall. There's gonna be Ring Dings, Pop Tarts, Jello-O, whatever and Steve Rogers will sing a re-worked version of this at the reception:

Last week, Leighton Meester threw a lawsuit at her prison bitch mother Constance Meester (that's Connie the Con if you've ever used commissary soap as pussy lube) for trying to pull $10,000 a month out of her by saying they had a verbal contract. Yeah, some "our tongues shook on it" shit. Leighton also said in the documents that she gave Connie $7,500 a month and the money was supposed to be used to care for her sick younger brother, but her mom bought a new face (Botox, etc...) and new hair (weaves, etc....) instead.

Connie is now countersuing Leighton for some shit I swear she pulled out of White Oprah's ass. No, seriously. Connie went up to fellow pimp mom White Oprah and told her that Leighton is trying to cut her off. White Oprah calculated some things in her head and then shat out the solution: A COUNTERSUIT! Because the legal equivalent of a pimp smack is a countersuit.

E! Online says that Connie gave up her life so that Leighton could make it in the business that is show. Connie moved her family to New York for Gossip Girl and then moved them back to Los Angeles all for Leighton's career. Like any good pimp, Connie kept track of all the cash she put out for acting classes and private schools, and says Leighton owes her $230,000. Connie went even harder by saying that she's legally a "dependent adult" due to a medical condition and is eligible for parental support. Because Leighton stopped paying Connie's bills, her house fell into foreclosure and she doesn't have health insurance anymore.

Connie's son and Leighton brother recently had brain surgery to get rid of a tumor, and she claims her daughter is trying to turn him against her. Connie says that Leighton threatened to stop paying his medical bills if he didn't move to New York.

Finally, Connie is trying to paint Leighton as a crazy cunt beast who brought the prison yard to the living room when she attacked her mother with a bottle last December.

If White Oprah is a piece of work, then Connie the Con is a piece of art in The Museum of Shameless Whore Mothers. Basically, charging your own child for renting out your uterus and eating your food for 18 years is a genius move. Connie had no choice but to get plastic surgery since all those times she woke up in the middle of the night from Leighton's selfish baby screams fucked with her face. "Leighton owes her!" - every reasonable judge in America

Forget gold digging, get me on the "dependent adult" ticket. All I have to do is find a way to birth out a child, push said child out onto the ho stroll until they start bringing in the checks and then claim that due to some medical condition (concave anus, can't wipe myself, etc...) they have to pay my bills for the rest of their lives! If I wasn't allergic to -20 count thread sheets, I'd check into prison since you obviously learn the best cons there.

Mitch Winehouse, Janis Winehouse, Kelly Osbourne, Reg Traviss, Mark Ronson, Nick Grimshaw and dozens of mourners who aren't famous (so they were safe from me right click save-ing them) gathered at a synagogue in London this afternoon to pour a melted ice pop out for Amy Winehouse and say their goodbyes. Amy was cremated after the ceremony, because Mitch says it's a family tradition. Mitch also spoke at his daughter's funeral and told jokes about her childhood, says Amy's rep.

After the memorial, which was in Hebrew and English, Carole King's "So Far Away" played as everyone shuffled out. Amy's usually mute on-and-off-again piece Reg Traviss, who I didn't even know could speak words out loud, gave a statement to The Sun before her funeral.

"We have suffered a terrible untimely loss and want peace now.

I can't describe what I am going through and I want to thank so much all of the people who have paid their respects and who are mourning the loss of Amy, such a beautiful, brilliant person and my dear love.

I have lost my darling who I loved very much."

The prison wouldn't give Blaaaaaaake a day pass, so sadly he wasn't there to throw himself on the casket, chase down the hearse and then get into a slap match with Mitch in the middle of the street. That's the dramatic mess of a conclusion we all needed. And as for Pete "Dreamboat" Doherty, he couldn't make it either because he was on his way to South America to plead with La Pequena to come out of retirement so she can perform an in memoriam tribute to Amy at the Grammys. Stay tuned, as hos say.

It was as humid as an Amazon's armpit in NYC this past weekend and my hair still looks like Allison Janney's in Drop Dead Gorgeous, so I'm just going to say this is my head's way of paying a half homage to Amy. R.I.P.