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Bikini models hoping to spend the rest of summer sunning their nipples on a yacht in the South of Wherever should stop waiting to a call for a go see at Leonardo DiCatchaho's office, because the dude is not back to catching hos. Now Magazine said earlier this week that Leo pushed Blake Lively off of his dick because his mom thought she was too far up her own oatmeal ass. (I'm trying to picture that image too and I'm coming up with this.) Either Now was freebasing Wite-Out and made this mess up or Leo's mother realized that she can't be mean to a ho who has the face constipated pony with heatstroke.

Because UsWeekly says that Blake and Leo were buying sunglasses together at some store in Santa Barbara, CA on Wednesday. Some source they were holding on to each other the whole time and then went on to BLAH BLAH this out, "They seemed very much in love. They were in the store for about 10 minutes before a crowd of fans noticed them and they rushed out."

Sooooo Blaaaaaaaaaake and Leeeeeeeooooooo are stiiiiiiiiil fuuuuuucking. Yes, I'm trying to make you care about this by using as many vowels as possible so it reads like I'm screaming it out full-mouth. Didn't work, I know. So for your troubles, here's a video of a baby sloth giving his response to this post:

Liquor store owners in Penbroke Park, FL have been warned of two sophisticated ladies in full-length gowns from Dress Barn who are quenching their thirst for the finer things in life (see: refrigerated Andre) by lifting up their dresses and snatching up an open bar. Reader Stephanie sent this in and puts it more eloquently than I ever could:

Here go some lovely elegant hos on the Florida stroll using their vag muscles to hide some of the sweet nectar. I guess if you're looking for an Amaretto Sour, look no further than up their skirt (watch out for the Piv chillin in their cobwebs)

Amaretto Sour? What about a Clamato Bloody Mary?

The store owner said that upskirt bandits got away with $400 worth of booze including 2 bottles of champagne.

The heat has got even the most refined and pristine of bitches resorting to common thievery to cool their panting pussies with chilled champagne. Or maybe they've got the Robin Leach of coochies that won't swallow anything that's not bubbly.

The liquor store owner can try to tell me that these booze snatchers strapped some kind of bottle holder under their gowns, but I don't believe it. Genteel beauties like this would never fuck up their silhouettes. Nope. The fact of the matter is their pussies be yankin'.

via WPTV.com

Is this the real Brandi Glanville or did LeAnn Rimes finally get that Brandi Glanville skinmask permanently attached to her face? - Hollywood Tuna

Oh shit, Ryan Reynolds and Charlize Theron are already sort of matching - Lainey Gossip

CORRECTION: Wonky McValtrex really said that she was disappointed Dan Harris didn't "rambush" her - The Superficial

Vintage Adele - Towleroad

But more importantly, why didn't THE QUEEN bring her pocketbook?! THE QUEEN brings her pocketbook to the toilet and yet she doesn't have it in these pictures? This is obviously a decoy QUEEN - Popsugar

Jared Leto, is that a bread dick in your bag or are you just... - Hollywood Rag

James Franco is now free to date his true love: an anime body pillow - Just Jared

I can almost see the hand of Elvis' ghost floating up Spaz de la Huerta's outdoor nightgown - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

Kate Beckinsale and Rachel McAdams are fighting over Michael Sheen - Celebitchy

Spider nonsense - Cityrag

Do hos really think Lindsay Lohan paid for those $1100 shoes? Suckers. - ICYDK

Jamie Kennedy needs to fuck off, because this makes me miss the genius of Dollhouse Dude - I'm Not Obsessed

Mila Kunis wants you to know her ass did about 0% of its own flashing in that Friends with Benefits movie - Celebslam

Please tell your mom that it's not that serious - Videogum

Don't you just want to miniaturize them even more and stick 'em to the top of your dashboard - The Berry

THAT COUCH - The Daily What

Which chatty TV personality’s boyfriend was so broke that he sold fried turkeys out of his home for Thanksgiving and Christmas in order to pay for an engagement ring? It worked – she said yes! (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip)

Sherri Shepherd? But I can't hate on a dude peddling homemade fried turkey on the street so that he begin a kiss with Kay. It's way better than a deep fried turkey (Kim Kardashian) buying her own engagement ring and trying to act like her fiance put his credit card down for that mess.

Which legendary athlete and his D-list actress wife are worried sick about their daughter’s risky behavior as she navigates the Hollywood party scene? The gorgeous 20-something, who’s also a budding actress, is boozing and sleeping her way around town. (Blind Gossip)

The only legendary athlete in my mind is Tina Ferrari from Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling, so I couldn't push out a guess for this one. But when your 20-something moves to Hollywood, don't you sort of expect them to booze and bone their way through town? Some parents (White Oprah) might even be disappointed if they didn't.

It is one thing to be stepping out with someone other than your girlfriend of many years, but when you do so with her assistant, that is another thing entirely. Oh, I guess I should identify the participants. Well, for one they were both way bigger a few years ago. The guy used to be an A list singer and rapper. Now? B- on a good day. His significant other? She used to be B back in the day, but now is probably just remembered because her name is easy to remember. Oh, and this will be revealed. (CDAN)

Diddy and Cassie?

Which B list actor from a hit cable show who has a bigger ego than brain was telling someone he thought was an actress how he had seen her work and thought she was great and they should go to his hotel room and he could give her some help and advice on her acting career. Turns out it was one of the women from the US Soccer team. Instead of giving up, our actor started saying how she could be an actress and they should go to his hotel room and he could give her some advice. (CDAN)

I'd like to be different and say this is Danny DeVito, but when a blind item reeks of canned hair and mercury-scented Summer's Eve you can't ignore that its answer is probably Jeremy Piven.

Twenty five minutes after this picture of the Empress of Lucite mounting her slave boy's scooter was taken, a delicate pop followed by a celestial hum that sounded almost like cherubs blowing into crystal conch shells passed through Miami. Most thought it was just one of Celine Dion's twins burping and cooing again. The sound actually came from a group of firemen prying Shauna Sand's suction cup flower off of the seat. Those of you who wish to show your gratitude to Shauna for giving you the sensation of heaven whispering into your ears can do so by donating a pair of exquisite lucite heels to a needy stripper. It's what The Empress wants.

The one time I visited Chicago was in the ice cold dead of winter and this was long before I moved to New York, so I really didn't know what it felt like to get hypothermia up in my anus. My saliva froze to my teef, my genitals crawled up into my body for hibernation (come to think of it, they've never come back) and I had to learn how to breathe through my ears since white snow cubes blocked my nostrils and I looked like I had just nose fucked a snowman's asshole. During my two week visit, there was one day where the temperature reached above -10 and hos stripped off their North Face down comforter body cocoons like they were at Hedonism in Jamaica. Nobody makes a fur coat over a bikini top look especially exquisite like a Chicago native.

Well, Chicagoans might not get excited for a little heat now that YOU KNOW WHO is moving there part-time while her bought-and-paid for husband shoots The Playboy Club. When LeAnn Rimes isn't throwing a side-squint at any trick slut who gets close to her bitch, she's going to be flaunting her gross bikini no-body all over the place. LeAnn Tweeted this (via UsWeekly):

Boxes are a go for Chicago! Very excited for our new adventure! Lots of flying back & forth, but well worth it! Beyond proud of my husband.

Three sets of toiletries, three sets of clothes. Starting Thursday, our time is split between L.A., Chicago and the world! I'm ready! All great things!

Truth is, the people of Chicago shouldn't only be worried during warm days. They should always be worried. The weather will not stop LeAnn from showing off her emaciated silicone lizard body. Bitch is famewhore-blooded and has a suitcase full of battery-powered heating pad bikinis. You've been warned.

On last night's season finale of The Real Horseflies of New York City, Cuntess LuMann de Lesseps threw a party on a boat to celebrate the 1 year anniversary of dating her boyfriend Dahveed Schwimmière. LuAnn throwing herself a fancy party for her 1 year dating anniversary is one kind of confusion, but Natalie Cole agreeing to sing at that mess is another. Earlier in the episode, Natalie magically ran into LuAnn at a recording studio and agreed to sing a duet with her at the party. This crap put the du(du) in duet.

If you crawled into Nat King Cole's grave, opened his coffin and gave his skeleton mouth to mouth bones, the sound that comes out of him would sound a million times better than what came out of LuAnn's last night.

I never saw Natalie shake her head and make a "so it's come to this" face, but I did it for her. I'm surprised that Natalie Cole singing a duet with The Cuntness didn't make Hell freeze over and send an icy glacier up through the Hudson to break that boat in two.

L is for the way my ears leak blood....

As invisible prison bars surrounded them, Angie Jo, Shiloh Two, Shiloh Three, Maddox, Pax and Zahara caused a lukewarm commotion when they left a movie theater in London after watching Harry Potter. Yes, the living saints actually sat in a theater where regular people who don't piss out blessed holy water go. But don't worry, nobody was wished into Aniston's Cabbage Patch Doll collection after throwing Maddox an around-the-shoulder bitch eye when he kicked their seat. The holy family had the theater all to themselves. But still. Isn't Brangelina the most powerful entity on every face of this planet? Couldn't they have ordered DanRad and the rest of the kids to their 45-room castle to perform that shit for them live in their ballroom? Cheap! I guess that wasn't an option at their private prison's commissary.

Farrah Fawcett just reincarnated herself so that she could drop dead again and roll into a new grave.

Courtney Stodden, the 16-year-old child bride of 51-year-old Doug Hutchinson who makes Ali Lohan look like the freshest newborn in the nursery, stretched out her 15 seconds of fame by taking her tits to a plastic surgeon so that he can examine them and tell the world they're as real as the terror you feel when you watch her in interviews. Dr. Gabriel Chiu is a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon who has slipped nearly 10,000 pairs of plastic titty bags into chests and he tells Radar that Courtney's chichis are made from organic materials.

"In my professional opinion Courtney Stodden does not have implants. Her breast are 100 per cent natural and organic. I did four tests to determine that she has not. I looked and carefully examined the four areas where someone would normally have a scar from surgery - the armpit, aureole border, the belly button and the fold under the breasts, and Courtney did not have any scars. If you know how to look for the scars you can find one and I did not find a scar.

I did a breast examination and Courtney's felt like normal breasts. If someone has implants either below or on top of the muscle you can squeeze and felt the implant moving around but I did not feel implants in Courtney.

There is a test where a patient holds their palms in front of their face and pushes their palms together. If there are implants they will rise, but when Courtney did the test, her breast did not rise. No implant was identified.

When a person with implants lies down the implants will stay perky, they won't fall and if they're put in through the armpit they will ride up but when Courtney laid down neither happened. Her breasts fell like natural breasts do."

Does it really matter if Dr. Chiu is telling us that Courtney has farm raised titties even though they look like they're filled with silicone from the Turkey region in 1995 (that was not a good year for silicone, obviously)? Does it also matter if Courtney gets a scientist to tell us that she's not a geriatric alien made of the discarded facelift skin of Real Housewives who bases all of its human mannerisms on old porns from the Spice Channel? It doesn't even matter if this is a publicity stunt (which it is), because I can't stop watching. I've always wanted Christopher Guest to write an entire movie based on Jennifer Coolidge's character in Best in Show and this is the closest thing to it!

I already linked to this yesterday, but in case you haven't seen it yet, please watch Courtney tweak the hell out during an interview with E!. Doug is like Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs and Courtney is what he would look like if he finished that woman suit before Jodie Foster shot his ass down.

A for real downgrade is when you go from bending your ass for Michael Fassbender to spitting out the pubes of Penn Badgley through your coochie. Zoe Kravitz has apparently done just that. Zoe was humping on her X-Men co-star Michael Fassbender, but now it looks like bitch plummeted down the hot piece ladder and landed on some Gossip Girl dick. Page Six reports that Zoe is officially fucking down and has moved on from Fassbender with Penn.

Zoe and Penn were first seen together at the after-party for Friends with Benefits on Monday night, and some other source says that yesterday they touched skin while going to see Horrible Bosses. The source, who obviously has night vision eyeballs, says Zoe and Penn left right after Jennifer Aniston's character made a joke about how she fapped off a nail tip to him on Gossip Girl. The source said this riveting stuff, "He had his arm around her while they waited in line. But an awkward moment happened when Jennifer Aniston quips, 'Did you see 'Gossip Girl' last night? I fucked myself so hard [watching] that Penn Badgley guy, I broke a nail.' The look on Penn's face was priceless. They left the theater right after."

Zoe and Penn actually make more sense than Zoe and Michael Fassbender. Zoe and Fassbender looked off to me. Like they were always on an awkward first date after meeting on Craigslist and neither of them wanted to tell the other that they didn't look like their picture at all. But Zoe and Penn both look like they just fell out of an Urban Outfitters catalog and they both look like Dark Crystal characters who didn't make the cut. I bet their mixed together fuck juices smell like patchouli and American Spirit butts. Match made.